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Crystal_Shards
2006-09-22, 10:51 AM
I'm not much of a poet, but here are some recent ones of mine. The first three are ones I wrote while on a plane returning from Ireland this past summer... My ex and I had a sort of argument before I left, so of course I had that on my mind coming back. The fourth is one I wrote for AP Literature, and the last three... Well I think they speak for themselves.:

"You"
I kill time, you kill dreams
Spades of kings and rainbow rings
Serenaded flings this lady sings
I wonder why you'd do these things
I'm disappointed in you



"Dark Heart"
Go on, hold your grudge
I showed you nothing but love



"Don't Look Back Now"
Fading slowly life's a dream
Crush the fallen fruit beneath your feet
There's nothing left for you to dwell on
There are better days for you

---

"To Living"
How wondrous is the opening of eyes to the eternal sunshine that is our lives
The sweet sweet smell that rings the bells of memories long since past
It is so easy to not recall what small steps have been taken to get to this all

The sadness escapes you as the wind blows beneath you, as if it lifts you high
High into the breeze with the trees beneath your knees and the clouds within your reach
What cause is this? What sad crisp thoughts were dismissed to bring this bliss?

These laughing eyes bring you to cry with the realization this was all here already
Nowhere did it state you must not take life for granted but instead instate awareness
Yet you still wonder why no one blundered and told you this secret to happiness

Life is the unexpected, itís undetected until the right directive leads to its finding
The order is that there is no order, no patterns or borders to outline the life we lead
You ask for instruction but it leads to destruction of the path you should lead, your own

What inane purpose did they tell you to claim? Is it fame that leads you to this frame of mind?
So much beauty in so much space itís not a race to receive the grace of dramatic fakes
If you are to become human, have a heart thatís quick to start loving no matter the part it plays

Creation is the key to elation, the vibrations that pulsate through the veins of the earth
Cannot be compared with those who crave only to get slaves for mundane service
You must make your own resource, not force the course of history to another plane

So much disclosure in a small enclosure the mind is a wondrous thing
And all that is mated to be reinstated in this world so frustrated must come from within
For only your soul can realize its role that each living thing plays on this small sad stage

So open your eyes.

---

"Wallflower"
Stand and wait---
Am I listed in your diary
Somewhere in that super-secret world
Can I know what my place is

Watch and learn---
This wall and I are inseperable
And like a flower I stand still
Only to be moved by the winds of your breath

Ask and tell---
There's no form or rhyme to this
No courage to put myself out there
You take the wind from beneath my wings



"Whatever"
No that's quite all right
It's fine, no, she's cool
I mean, if you like those types---
Oh, nothing, I meant nothing
It's nothing
Whatever

I was a fool for---
Oh, nothing, it's nothing at all
No, that's all right
Dreams can't last forever
It's nothing
Whatever

I'm just saying, she's awfully---
I mean immature, mentally
I thought you were different
But hey, we all make mistakes, right?
It's nothing
Whatever

Just ignore me, I'm babbling
What? Jealous? Me? Don't make me laugh
What does she have that I don't?
Oh, that's right, she's got yo---
It's nothing
Whatever



"Mismatched"
I hate
the fact
you're with her
and not me
It makes it harder that we get along
I have to turn away
I can't watch her fawn over you
You two just look so wrong
Misplaced
A mismatch made in hell
You don't look happy with her
But she's beside herself with joy

I wish she was beside herself
Maybe then I'd be beside you

---

Comments. Now. =D

~Crystal

Vaynor
2006-09-22, 06:56 PM
Nice poems. I really liked them.

Mattaeu
2006-09-24, 01:07 PM
"You"
I kill time, you kill dreams
Spades of kings and rainbow rings,
Serenaded flings this lady sings
I wonder why you'd do these things
I'm disappointed in youqqwhat?? And I just got through expecting -ings? Why would you do this to me?

Actually, I think it would be better if you had something, anywhere inside that was a very good rhyme with 'you'; at the very least it would prep the reader to not be so distracted, and miss the point.



"Dark Heart"
Go on, hold your grudge
I showed you nothing but love
Nothing I would change. Cept the title, you can do better.




"Don't Look Back Now"
Fading slowly life's a dream
Crush the fallen fruit beneath your feet
There's nothing left for you to dwell on
There are better days for you
I was about to say, end stop it already, but for this one no punctuation works for how short it is.



"To Living"
How wondrous is the opening of eyes to the eternal sunshine that is our lives -good first line
The sweet sweet:O, means great. smell that rings the bells of memories long since past
It is so easy to not recall what small steps have been taken to get to this all This line stumbles with so many to's; would work better if tweaked.

The sadness escapes you as the wind blows beneath you, as if it lifts you high
High into the breeze with the trees beneath your knees and the clouds within your reach
What cause is this? What sad crisp thoughts were dismissed to bring this bliss? I'd rather see fewer rhymes in the second line, and to end rhymes between the first and second; as a whole, that would tie it together a little more nicely.

These laughing eyes bring you to cry with the realization this was all here already <--great slant rhyme
Nowhere did it state you must not take life for granted but instead instate (huh?) awareness
Yet you still wonder why no one blundered and told you this secret to happiness

Life is the unexpected, itís undetected until the right directive leads to its finding
The order is that there is no order, no patterns or borders to outline the life we lead
You ask for instruction but it leads to destruction of the path you should lead, your own...:-/ 'own'? while I would hate for you to end with 'should lead', 'your own' just doesn't do anything for me. :(

What inane purpose did they tell you to claim? Is it fame that leads you to this frame of mind?
So much beauty in so much space itís not a race to receive the grace of dramatic fakes
If you are to become human, have a heart thatís quick to start loving no matter the part it plays alone in it's superiority to your other stanzas. :)

Creation is the key to elation, the vibrations that pulsate through the veins of the earth
Cannot be compared with those who crave only to get slaves for mundane service again, not quite the word I think you want
You must make your own resource, not force the course of history to another plane

So much disclosure in a small enclosure the mind is a wondrous thing
And all that is mated to be reinstated in this world so frustrated must come from within
For only your soul can realize its role that each living thing plays on this small sad stage Added line break

So open your eyes.



"Wallflower"
Stand and wait---
Am I listed in your diary
Somewhere in that super-secret world
Can I know what my place is

Watch and learn---
This wall and I are inseperable
And like a flower I stand still
Only to be moved by the winds of your breath

Ask and tell---
There's no form or rhyme to this
No courage to put myself out there
You take the wind from beneath my wings Noo! All of you other lines are so much yours, don't succumb to lay phrases. Please?




"Whatever"
No that's quite all right
It's fine, no, she's cool
I mean, if you like those types---
Oh, nothing, I meant nothing
It's nothing
Whatever

I was a fool for---
Oh, nothing, it's nothing at all
No, that's all right
Dreams can't last forever
It's nothing
Whatever

I'm just saying, she's awfully---
I mean immature, mentally
I thought you were different
But hey, we all make mistakes, right?
It's nothing Your prior lines do not make these last two seem anything but a return to a phrase.
Whatever

Just ignore me, I'm babbling
What? Jealous? Me? Don't make me laugh
What does she have that I don't?
Oh, that's right, she's got yo---
It's nothing
Whatever




"Mismatched"
I hate
the fact
you're with her
and not me
It makes it harder that we get along
I have to turn away
I can't watch her fawn over you
You two just look so wrong
Misplaced
A mismatch made in hell
You don't look happy with her
But she's beside herself with joy

I wish she was beside herself
Maybe then I'd be beside you

haha, Excellent ending.


I hope these comments are fine. I think that you have a nice command of short lines, but with your longer phrases, they just get broken down into those shorter lines.

I would recommend playing with very strict formal settings(sonnet{all forms}, haiku, villanelle{hard as hell}, &c. They are restrictive but they give you a place to go; doing free verse after torturing yourself with these will make the intangible expanse all the more containable, and connected while appearing wild.

But in all cases, write more. :)

Crystal_Shards
2006-09-24, 01:58 PM
You were right about the line break; that was supposed to be added in but I forgot it.

I do free verse mostly, and as you can tell the one longer poem was somewhat restrictive in itself because it had to be 300 words or more and in response to another poem or whatever it was I responded to. I am more of a respond-to-life type of person, and I hate word limits because as I hope you see, I get my point across better with less words.

Though, thank you for the comments. I'll keep attempting "fitted poems" (that's what I call them anyway) in mind for my next batch.

In the meantime, here's another short poem. Not my favorite, but... It's a poem.:

"Dad"
Please tell me you've opened your eyes
And that these lies no longer appeal to you
And that it's true you believe in me
If you could only see the way I looked up once

~Crystal

Crystal_Shards
2006-09-28, 03:19 PM
I apologize deeply for double posting, but I have a new poem.

---

"Ex"
Go ahead
Dive a little deeper
Sometimes I wish you'd die
Just so you'd realize
That I'm not the only one you hurt
When you grab another bottle

Well go on then
Go a little harder
Push yourself to the limit
Try to take your life with it
I wish I weren't afraid
Of every time you said goodbye

Just do it
Cause all that trouble
I know you want the spotlight
I know you have your head right
Just stop the pain
You're not my problem anymore.

---

~Crystal

McDeath
2006-10-02, 04:57 AM
That's why the Lord God created the "Edit" function. ;D Nice poems there, good writing. I do a little, so I know how hard it is to get the words right. My favorite is "You".

I am a Christian, so don't take my comment the wrong way. If you think I'm being paranoid, well, maybe you're right!

Crystal_Shards
2006-10-02, 06:25 AM
Normally the rule for updating an art thread is that you're allowed to double post once you have an update after 24 hours. ; )

~Crystal

Were-Sandwich
2006-10-02, 11:32 AM
I hope these comments are fine. I think that you have a nice command of short lines, but with your longer phrases, they just get broken down into those shorter lines.

I would recommend playing with very strict formal settings(sonnet{all forms}, haiku, villanelle{hard as hell}, &c. They are restrictive but they give you a place to go; doing free verse after torturing yourself with these will make the intangible expanse all the more containable, and connected while appearing wild.

But in all cases, write more. :)

Are you by any chance an english teacher?

Mattaeu
2006-10-03, 11:43 AM
:D

Nope. But I am working on an English degree, and write and/or read poetry nearly everyday; it's an addiction. :P

@Crystal/anyone that posts some: Just tell me if you want comments/critique. I'll try them out and give you an honest reply. :)

Crystal_Shards
2006-10-03, 02:51 PM
:D

Nope. But I am working on an English degree, and write and/or read poetry nearly everyday; it's an addiction. :P

@Crystal/anyone that posts some: Just tell me if you want comments/critique. I'll try them out and give you an honest reply. :)

Yay, another English degree!

I'd like anyone who has any sort of comment to reply, good or bad. =)

~Crystal