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Setra
2008-11-07, 05:22 AM
I've been reading a site lately about... well basically human stupidity.

Here is a link (http://notalwaysright.com/)

A couple Excerpts

Customer: “What movie just came out on video that’s like Lord of the Rings?”

Me: “I’m not sure, we haven’t gotten any big titles this week and definitely nothing that’s like Lord of the Rings…”

Customer: “Well, I saw a commercial that said, ‘Now available at your local *** Video’…and this is my local *** video.”

Me: “Hmmm, let me check with another manager.” (I call up to the office)

Me (to manager): “What came out this week besides Jeepers Creeper?”

Customer: “JEEPERS CREEPERS! That’s it!”

Me: “We have that, but it’s nothing like Lord of the Rings.”

Customer: “Yeah it has monsters in it, it’s like Lord of the Rings.” *customer walks away*

Another employee: “You should tell him to rent The English Patient too. It has talking in it, so it’s like Lord of the Rings.”


Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I need to return this d*** camera.”

Me: “Sure, was it not working?”

Customer: “I just don’t want it, okay?”

Me: “Okay. Have you opened the box yet?”

Customer: “Why does that matter?”

Me: “Well, as the sticker on the box says, if the box is opened and you return it, I have to charge you a restocking fee.”

Customer: “Oh. No… no, it hasn’t been opened.”

(I look and the box has been clearly opened, with a torn seal.)

Me: “Uh… are you sure it hasn’t been opened?”

Customer: ”LOOK! ARE YOU CALLING ME A F***ING LIAR? Where is your manager? I spend hundreds of thousands of dollars here and this is how I’m treated?!”

Me: “Ma’am, if you just–”

Customer: “THESE PEOPLE CALL CUSTOMERS LIARS! DON’T SHOP HERE!”

Me: “Ma’am, I believe you! I will return it!”

Customer: “That’s right you will!”

Me: “Can I see your receipt?”

Customer: “It’s in the box.”


WARNING: Contains Racism, Sexism, Stereotypical American Bigotry. Not for the easily offended. Use of the site may lead to headache, nausea, vomiting, dizziness, stomach pain, acid reflux, cardiac arrhythmia, mild heart explosions, varicose veins, darkened stool, darkened soul, lycanthropy, trucanthropy, arteriosclerosis, hemorrhoids, mild discomfort, vampirism, gender impermanence, sugar high, death, more vomiting, fallen armpits, Twonk's Disease, spontaneous combustion, flaming ninjas, inverted cranium, electric guitars, poor spelling, apocalyptic visions, apoplectic visions, Tony Danza, speaking in a badly-done German accent, a desire to add increasingly more ridiculous symptoms to a list on a memetic website, five meta-points, bears, headache, warts, flatulence, demonic possession, wandering skin, spam, cranial inversion, fin rot, null pointer exceptions, headache, exploding uvula syndrome, a desire to take over the world using eight reprogrammed robot masters, the 'dancing fingers,' and emo hair. And headache. (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/YesButWhatDoesZataproximetacineDO)

bosssmiley
2008-11-07, 05:36 AM
Good site, I have it on RSS feed. Nice to remind myself that other people have it worse and I really have nothing to complain about. :smallamused:

Fiery Diamond
2008-11-07, 05:41 AM
The first one: Kudos to the other non-customer.

The second one: Headsmack.

-Fiery Diamond

Ps: This one is hilarious, from the same site:



Me: “Thank you for calling ******, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I am in the back office and someone told me that we were supposed to be able to use wireless keyboards, so I cut the cable.”

Me: “You… cut the cable?”

Customer: “Yes, and now it doesn’t work.”

Me: “You cut the cable on your keyboard, and now it doesn’t work?”

Customer: “Yes”

Me: “You’re going to have to buy a new keyboard.”

Customer: “Why? I was told we could use wireless keyboards.”

Me: “That is not a wireless keyboard.”

Customer: “Yes it is.”

Me: “Just because you cut the cord does not make it wireless.”

Customer: “Can’t you just make it work?”

Me: “Does your phone have a cable?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “If you cut it, do you think your phone will work?”

Customer: *line disconnects after 20 seconds of silence*

Dallas-Dakota
2008-11-07, 05:58 AM
Indeed. The rule is : The customer is always right, if he or she isn´t a idiot.

EvilDMMk3
2008-11-07, 06:01 AM
The customer is never wrong:
They may be mistaken.
They may be misinformed.
They may be misguided
They may be confused.
They may be disorientated.
They may be drunk.
They may be stupid.
They may be insane.
They may be malicious.
They may be asking for a fist to the face.
But never wrong.

EDIT: Can I just say I have not laughed this hard in months!

OverdrivePrime
2008-11-07, 07:36 AM
:smallbiggrin: Those are awesome. Reminds me of that timeless quote from Ben Affleck in Mallrats: "The Customer Is Always An @*&%#+!!"

Felixaar
2008-11-07, 08:12 AM
Actually, that statement has been recently ammended to "The Customer Is Always Wrong".

This Statement Provided By the Felixaarian Council Of So Glad I'm Not a Cashier Anymore, Bitches!

Mauve Shirt
2008-11-07, 08:20 AM
Heehee, I love this one


(I just started working at a computer store, so my trainer has a phone call on speaker so I can listen in.)

Lady: “You sold me a faulty piece of s*** laptop!”

Trainer: “What seems to be the problem, ma’am?”

Lady: “The f***ing thing won’t open!”

Trainer: “Have you tried turning the laptop around, and opening it from the other side?”

Lady: “Oh.” *click*

Swok
2008-11-07, 08:22 AM
This...this is painfully hilarious. I feel the need to put more focus on the "Painfully" part.

evisiron
2008-11-07, 08:30 AM
We thank you for this link, we have laughed many times already! :smallbiggrin:

Edit: Especially this one!
(I am watering the plants in the nursery, about two hours before closing time, and see a customer down the aisle.)

Me: “Can I help you find anything, sir? ”

Customer: “Uh… uh… ”

(I then notice that he’s peeing on some of our boxwoods.)

Me: “What–”

Customer: “I AM THE TERROR THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT!” *zips up and runs out*

Coworker: “Did that guy just quote Darkwing Duck at you?!”

Me: *drops watering hose* “I’m taking a break.”

Silence
2008-11-07, 09:06 AM
A customer enters a pet shop.

Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean "miss"?

Mr. Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Owner: We're closin' for lunch.

Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

Mr. Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.

Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you
show...

(owner hits the cage)

Owner: There, he moved!

Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

Owner: I never!!

Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!

Owner: I never, never did anything...

Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?

Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.

Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour
ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

Mr. Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the
first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and
VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

Owner: No no! 'E's pining!

Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e
rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the
bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

(pause)

Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh,
we're right out of parrots.

Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Owner: I got a slug.

(pause)

Mr. Praline: Pray, does it talk?

Owner: Nnnnot really.

Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

Mr. Praline: Well.

(pause)

Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?

Mr. Praline: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.

Haruki-kun
2008-11-07, 09:28 AM
This is made of pure Epic Win. Which is the best kind of Win. :smalltongue:

It's amazing how this actually makes costumers look like the bad guys.

Mauve Shirt
2008-11-07, 09:38 AM
Oh gods.


Customer: “Look! My friend told me I could get this type of hammer at your store! Now go get it for me!”

Cashier: “Sir, I already told you… we don’t have ANY hammers back here that aren’t already stocked on the shelves.”

Customer: “LOOK HERE. F**K YOU! I KNOW YOU’RE TRYING TO SAVE MONEY BY SWITCHING OUT YOUR STOCKS! GET ME THIS HAMMER!”

(At this point, I come to the front of the store, overhearing what’s going on; note that I’m the manager.)

Me: “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “Yes sir! Your employee here is not doing what I tell her to!”

Me: “Well, you need to calm down and understand that we don’t have what you’re looking for. So maybe you should go back to shelves and check–”

Customer: “F**K THAT!!! IT’S NOT THERE, OKAY?! YOU NEED TO F**KING GET ME WHAT I ASK FOR!”

Me: “That’s it. Get out of my store.”

Customer: “What? NO!”

Me: “Sir, get out, or I have to take you out.”

Customer: “Then do it!”

(I go around the counter and approach the customer. I yank him by his collar & drag him to the door.)

Me: “Now, then… you wanna apologize and maybe come back in?”

Customer: “No! I just want my hammer! God, what is this madness?!”

Me: *puts the customer down*

Customer: *confused* “… What is it?”

(I turn back to the cashier, who nods in approval. I then turn back to face the customer.)

Me: “Madness? THIS! IS! SPARTAAAAAAAAA!” *kicks customer out of store and slams door*

Return of Lanky
2008-11-07, 09:47 AM
See, this is why I'm very damned sorry that the bar I used to work at went under. Nothing to do with the service (or at least, it wasn't bad service on my shifts) but the owner chose a very out-of-the-way location. Even on a Friday night the place was sometimes dead, which is never a good indication.

But right there in the break room, he had a sign on the wall:

"The customer is drunk. They are never right, often rude, and may require assistance finding the door, and subsequently the curb outside."

The owner really followed this message through to the hilt, too. About the only sensible part to this business plan was the fact it was a cash bar (excepting regulars, of course), so when a bunch of rowdy twits came in and started trashing the place six beers later, we didn't have to worry about extracting payment from them before booting them out.

valadil
2008-11-07, 09:48 AM
I RSS this one too. I don't believe more than half of these are real and far too many of them are about witty cashiers rather than dumb customers. But it makes me laugh all the same.

Haruki-kun
2008-11-07, 09:58 AM
Oh gods.


Customer: “Look! My friend told me I could get this type of hammer at your store! Now go get it for me!”

Cashier: “Sir, I already told you… we don’t have ANY hammers back here that aren’t already stocked on the shelves.”

Customer: “LOOK HERE. F**K YOU! I KNOW YOU’RE TRYING TO SAVE MONEY BY SWITCHING OUT YOUR STOCKS! GET ME THIS HAMMER!”

(At this point, I come to the front of the store, overhearing what’s going on; note that I’m the manager.)

Me: “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “Yes sir! Your employee here is not doing what I tell her to!”

Me: “Well, you need to calm down and understand that we don’t have what you’re looking for. So maybe you should go back to shelves and check–”

Customer: “F**K THAT!!! IT’S NOT THERE, OKAY?! YOU NEED TO F**KING GET ME WHAT I ASK FOR!”

Me: “That’s it. Get out of my store.”

Customer: “What? NO!”

Me: “Sir, get out, or I have to take you out.”

Customer: “Then do it!”

(I go around the counter and approach the customer. I yank him by his collar & drag him to the door.)

Me: “Now, then… you wanna apologize and maybe come back in?”

Customer: “No! I just want my hammer! God, what is this madness?!”

Me: *puts the customer down*

Customer: *confused* “… What is it?”

(I turn back to the cashier, who nods in approval. I then turn back to face the customer.)

Me: “Madness? THIS! IS! SPARTAAAAAAAAA!” *kicks customer out of store and slams door*


Oh..... my...... that is......

Words cannot begin to express that. I wish I could do it. :smalltongue:

The Linker
2008-11-07, 10:19 AM
This is my favorite. Busted in the highest sense of the word. :smallbiggrin:



Me: “Okay, so what seems to be the problem?”

Caller: “Well, it’s my son’s computer, it’s… smoking.”

Me: “It’s smoking? Is it making a loud beeping sound or is it hot? Anything else that would indicate that it’s on fire?”

Caller: “No! It’s not hot or anything. In fact, it seems to work just fine, but after it being on for about two or three minutes it starts to smoke.”

Me: “Okay… well, shut the machine down, unplug it, and then hold down the power button for about ten seconds.”

Caller: “Ok. Got it. Now what?”

Me: “Ok, open the case and take a look inside. Does anything look melted or cracked or–”

Caller: “Oh…”

Me: “You found the problem?”

Caller: *angry* “Oooh yeah. There’s… uh… there’s a little plastic bag taped to the inside of the case… full of dried green stuff.”

Me: *trying not to laugh*

Caller: “Thanks for your help. I need to go have a talk with my son.” *click*

EvilDMMk3
2008-11-07, 02:27 PM
My personal favourate, so far anyway:Me: “Hi, Ms. B***’s office.”

Caller: “Hi, is Ms. B*** in today?”

Me: “No, sorry. She’s on vacation. Can I take a message?”

Caller: “Yes. Wait… are you an answering machine?”

Me: “Uh… no, ma’am.”

Caller: “Are you sure?!”With this a close second:

Bookstore customer: “Do you have the CD, Lord Lift Our Voices Up On High, Volume 11?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry, we don’t have it. We do have Volumes 9 and 10. I can show you where they are.”

Customer: “No, no, I already have those. I like them. Do you have God Loves America, Volume 12?”

Me: “Let me check… yes! We have that one. I can show you.”

Customer: “Do you have God Loves America, Volume 11?”

Me: “Yes. I can show–”

Customer: “Do you have God Loves America, Volume 10?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Volume 9?”

Me: “Yes.”

(This continues until we get to Volume 3.)

Me: “Would you like to know about Volumes 1 and 2?”

Customer: “No, I have those. I like them. Have you heard them?”

Me: “No… so, let me just get these CDs for you.”

Customer: “No thanks.”

(I’ve been helping her for nearly 20 minutes, and suspect she has mental issues; thankfully, she goes away. Ten minutes later, I hear the same customer speak up loudly behind me.)

Customer: “Well, I don’t want to go to the doctor tomorrow, but they tell me I have to.”

Me: “Oh, uh, ehrm… yeah?”

Customer: “Yeah. Colonoscopy. I don’t want to, but they have to find out where the bleeding’s coming from.”

Me: *whimpers*

(At this point, I leave the music department and hide between the far right security sensor and a book display just outside it. The store manager walks by and sees me.)

Manager: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Hiding from a customer who was telling me about her upcoming colonoscopy! She says they have to find out where the bleeding’s coming from!”

Manager: “You can stay.”
Although the following line has to be the strangest thing I have ever read:Customer: Can I rent some condoms?

ghost_warlock
2008-11-07, 02:40 PM
I think the Darkwing Duck one is my favorite so far, but this was pretty good, too:

(I’m tending to the cats at our pet store when a young woman comes up and points at a small tabby, Velma.)

Me: “Ah, would you like to see Velma? She’s a little shy but very sweet.”

Customer: “I can has cat?”

Me: “Um… if you are interested in adopting, I’ll be happy to get out Velma or any of the cats so that you can get to know them a little better.”

Customer: “I can has lolcat?”

Me: “…”

Customer: “She is in her playpen, stealin our funs!”

Me: “You know, pets can be a big responsibility, and I’m not sure a cat would be the best thing for you right now.”

Customer: “K thanks bye!” *turns and walks out of the store*

Me, to Velma: “I think I may have just saved your life.”
This is great, too:
(I was teaching a 60 year-old or so guy how to use the internet.)

Customer: “So… I can search for… ANYTHING?”

Me: “Anything.”

Customer: “And this will just find it for me?”

Me: “Yup.”

(We search for a baseball score, find it, and go back to Google. He clicks on the search bar again and “baseball scores” comes up.)

Customer: “Oh, it keeps a list?”

Me: “Yeah, so it’s easier to find the stuff you like next time.”

Customer: *disheartened* “Can I get rid of that? You know, like if I… you know… buy my wife a present or something and don’t want her to know about it?”

Me: “Yeah, just click on ‘Reset Safari’ and it will delete any evidence of what you searched.”

(The guy is clearly dumbfounded at the world of opportunities now available to him.)

Customer: “You just saved my marriage.”

(Enjoy your pron, Gary.)

FoE
2008-11-07, 03:02 PM
"Hey, do you have that movie with that guy who was in that thing last year?"

Deathslayer7
2008-11-07, 03:13 PM
Awesome thread! *approves* :smallbiggrin:

Jibar
2008-11-07, 03:22 PM
One of my favourites:

(This conversation between a Returns Employee and a customer was overheard by me and others.)

Employee: “Hello, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I would like to return this.” (Heaves a large propane tank, the kind used for barbecue grills onto the counter.)

Employee: “Why?”

Customer: “It’s leaking.”

(At this point me, 4 managers, the employee, 2 other customers, and 3 other employees all within earshot, slowly turn their heads towards the leaking tank careful not to make any sudden movements.)

late for dinner
2008-11-07, 03:40 PM
My favorite...sorry I dont know how to do a "spoiler"


"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."


"What sort of trouble?"


"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."


"Went away?"


"They disappeared."


"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"


"Nothing."


"Nothing?"


"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."


"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"


"How do I tell?"


"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"


"What's a sea-prompt?"


"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"


"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."


"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"


"What's a monitor?"


"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"


"I don't know."


"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"


"Yes, I think so."


"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."


"Yes, it is."


"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"


"No."


"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."


"Okay, here it is."


"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."


"I can't reach."


"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"


"No."


"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"


"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."


"Dark?"


"Yes, -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."


"Well, turn on the office light then."


"I can't."


"No? Why not?"


"Because there's a power failure."


"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"


"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."


"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."


"Really? Is it that bad?"


"Yes, I'm afraid it is."


"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"


"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Dallas-Dakota
2008-11-07, 03:44 PM
Oh gods.


Customer: “Look! My friend told me I could get this type of hammer at your store! Now go get it for me!”

Cashier: “Sir, I already told you… we don’t have ANY hammers back here that aren’t already stocked on the shelves.”

Customer: “LOOK HERE. F**K YOU! I KNOW YOU’RE TRYING TO SAVE MONEY BY SWITCHING OUT YOUR STOCKS! GET ME THIS HAMMER!”

(At this point, I come to the front of the store, overhearing what’s going on; note that I’m the manager.)

Me: “Is there a problem?”

Customer: “Yes sir! Your employee here is not doing what I tell her to!”
Me: “Well, you need to calm down and understand that we don’t have what you’re looking for. So maybe you should go back to shelves and check–”

Customer: “F**K THAT!!! IT’S NOT THERE, OKAY?! YOU NEED TO F**KING GET ME WHAT I ASK FOR!”

Me: “That’s it. Get out of my store.”

Customer: “What? NO!”

Me: “Sir, get out, or I have to take you out.”

Customer: “Then do it!”

(I go around the counter and approach the customer. I yank him by his collar & drag him to the door.)

Me: “Now, then… you wanna apologize and maybe come back in?”

Customer: “No! I just want my hammer! God, what is this madness?!”

Me: *puts the customer down*

Customer: *confused* “… What is it?”

(I turn back to the cashier, who nods in approval. I then turn back to face the customer.)

Me: “Madness? THIS! IS! SPARTAAAAAAAAA!” *kicks customer out of store and slams door*

That is win. Just so much win......

EvilDMMk3
2008-11-07, 03:47 PM
My favorite...sorry I dont know how to do a "spoiler"

As below only using [] not {}

{spoiler}The words that must be hidden form view!{/spoiler}

late for dinner
2008-11-07, 03:49 PM
thanks for the info

Totally Guy
2008-11-07, 03:53 PM
This reminds me of the time I had to buy a book called SMM7 which is short for "Standard Method of Measurement 7th Edition." This was for work.

Anyway I had a gift voucher and decided to order from a local branch of a big book shop.

Me: Hi, I'd like to order in a book, I'd be very surprised if you have it in already.
Assistant: Oh, what's it called I can check.
Me: It's called SMM7.
(Shop assistant taps on her computer)
Assistant: No, I'm afraid I can't find it.
Me: Oh well, can I still order it in?
Assistant: No, I can't find it on the database, are you sure it's not a DVD.
Me: Yes I'm sure it's not a DVD.
Assistant: Let me check again.
(Shop assistant taps on the computer again)
Assistant: I don't think we sell material like that...
Me: No, I've bought things like that here before and I have a voucher.:smallwink:
Assistant: Hmmm, do you know the author?
Me: I think it's published by a construction industry consortium.
Assistant: Are you sure it's not a DVD?:smallconfused:
Me: Yes.
(I look around at the screen to she that she has been searching for S&M 7)
Me: Whoa, not S&M 7!:smalleek: SMM7 it stands for the Standard Method of Measurement. I need it for work.

Phew:smallsigh:

Evrine
2008-11-07, 03:56 PM
In point of fact, the customer is almost never right.

The store I work at is in Fayetteville, the next closest store used to be in Morrow until it closed about five years ago. Every three to four months we have a customer come in with a complaint that goes something like this.

Customer: I thought this item was on sale.

me: No, it's not on sale this week.

Customer: But I just bought one on sale at the store over in Morrow yesterday and it was on sale.

me: All of our stores run the same sale, but you could go back to the Morrow store and see if they have any more (keep in mind the Morrow store has been closed for more than a year)

Customer: (leaves in a huff)

And this just happened yesterday, although it was after I left so I didn't witness it firsthand.

Two customers come in, husband and wife, and try to return some $300 worth of paintbrushes and other high dollar items without a receipt. Our policy is that returns without receipts get a -20% discount taken off the current price. They were ok with this, but considering the high dollar amount, the store manager refused to accept the return without a receipt. They grabbed their items and hightailed it out of there. Later that day we got a report that the same couple tried it again at another of our stores, but were also refused. We checked our inventory and found that the counts for many of the items they were trying to return were inaccurate. So not only did they steal some of our stuff, they tried to sell it back to us, at more than one store. The problem is, we can't prosecute. If a customer has an item in their hand, tells us they're going to walk out without paying, and does so, we can't prosecute. It's the stupidest and most wasteful practice, but almost all retail chains do it.

EvilDMMk3
2008-11-07, 04:00 PM
I overheard the following in a cafe the other week:

Guy on phone:Hello is this Virgin Mobile? My phone doesn't work. When I turn it on it won't dial. I have it on contract with you. I want to know if I have done anything wrong. Yes my [customer contact info]. Hang on I will check.

He then, apparently on instructions from the guy on the other end, he looks at his phone and then reads off it's model etc. It was at this point I realized that he was ringing on the phone he said was broken. Several minutes passed before he realized, based on the conversation I guess he was asked how he was calling them, at which point he hung up.

Funniest thing in ages.

Raien
2008-11-07, 06:08 PM
Ha, I'd forgotten about this site, thanks for posting it!

Silence
2008-11-07, 06:19 PM
One of my favourites:

(This conversation between a Returns Employee and a customer was overheard by me and others.)

Employee: “Hello, how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I would like to return this.” (Heaves a large propane tank, the kind used for barbecue grills onto the counter.)

Employee: “Why?”

Customer: “It’s leaking.”

(At this point me, 4 managers, the employee, 2 other customers, and 3 other employees all within earshot, slowly turn their heads towards the leaking tank careful not to make any sudden movements.)




He must by lying. Propane is a gas, and is compressed into a liquid for the tanks.


BUSTED!

J/k, I'm sure it was a honest mistake.

de-trick
2008-11-07, 06:34 PM
Full Of S***
Car Park | Brisbane, Australia
(A guy with a dog walks up to our car park.)

Guy: “Can I bring my dog in here so it can take a dump?”

Me: “Sorry, we can’t allow you to do that. Plus, you don’t even look like you’re carrying anything to clean up the mess.”

Guy: “No, I’m not carrying anything to clean it up so you’ll have to do that. My dog needs to go to the toilet. You’re not being very helpful here.”

Me: “Sorry, I’m just here to direct people to where they need to park.”

Guy: “Look, my dog needs to go to the toilet and I’m bringing it in.”

Coworker: “Look, you bloody moron. This is a car park, not a g**d*** toilet! Take your dog and piss off!”

Guy: “You are not being very helpful at all! I’m going to go and issue a complaint against you but after I bring my dog in here and let it do its business!”

Coworker: “You bring your dog in here and we’ll have you fined. This car park is located on government property and allowing a dog to go to the toilet carries a fine.”

Guy: “It’s people like you who are what is wrong with the world!”


my favorite one so far, reminds me of one old guy and his dog, who always come in to my gasbar, and eiher get a pack of mints, paper, or a scratch ticket

EvilDMMk3
2008-11-07, 06:39 PM
You must by lying. Propane is a gas, and is compressed into a liquid for the tanks.


BUSTED!

J/k, I'm sure it was a honest mistake.

Propane may be a liquid under pressure in the tank but, due to the reduction in pressure, it comes out at as a gas. It is only a liquid because it is under pressure.

Silence
2008-11-07, 06:44 PM
Propane may be a liquid under pressure in the tank but, due to the reduction in pressure, it comes out at as a gas. It is only a liquid because it is under pressure.

Exactly. That's what I said, except with a tad more detail.

Quirinus_Obsidian
2008-11-07, 06:46 PM
So perfect... had to do this one time at an old job of mine at a convenience store


Customer: “No refunds due to inclement weather, eh? What if it’s nice?”

Me: “Yes, sir, very droll.”

Customer: “Alright, it’s for me and my two kids.”

(The customer attempts to pay with a hundred dollar bill for something that amounts to about $5.50.)

Me: “I’m sorry, we can’t accept hundred dollar bills.”

Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

Me: “Well, I’m afraid we can’t accept hundred dollar bills. Do you have any debit or credit cards with you?”

Customer: “No, but I have this hundred!”

Me: “Well, I’m sorry, but we don’t accept hundred dollar bills.”

Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

(This repeats for about seven or eight times before I start varying it up a bit.)

Me: “Bills hundred dollars accept we do not.”

Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

Me: “Dollar bills, hundred accept not we do!”

Customer: “But it’s all I have!”

EvilDMMk3
2008-11-07, 06:49 PM
Exactly. That's what I said, except with a tad more detail.
So how, exactly, did you prove the story wrong? I don't get your point.

Silence
2008-11-07, 06:51 PM
So how, exactly, did you prove the story wrong? I don't get your point.

It's impossible to see a leaking trail of gas. Unless it's colored gas, but even that's iffy.

EvilDMMk3
2008-11-07, 06:55 PM
It's impossible to see a leaking trail of gas. Unless it's colored gas, but even that's iffy.
1: It does not say that he does, there are plenty of ways of telling that something is leaking.
2: You can infact. A gas leak will often cause a visual disturbance not unlike the wavy appearance that the air over a hot road has.

Silence
2008-11-07, 06:57 PM
1: It does not say that he does, there are plenty of ways of telling that something is leaking.
2: You can infact. A gas leak will often cause a visual disturbance not unlike the wavy appearance that the air over a hot road has.

On second thought, my bad. It doesn't actually say that he sees a trail of leak-stuffs.

EvilDMMk3
2008-11-07, 06:59 PM
I have a new favourate, and I don't even care if it is real.

(Before a performance of Spamalot, I was watching a young attendant walking up and down the aisle selling spam sandwiches the way other plays would sell ice cream.)

Sandwich seller: “Spam sandwiches! Anyone care for a spam sandwich? Would anyone like to buy a spam sandwich?”

Audience member: “What flavour are they?”

Sandwich seller: “… spam.”

Destro_Yersul
2008-11-07, 07:06 PM
I like the one about the Halloween store.

Hehe.. 6.66% off.... (http://notalwaysright.com/just-another-day-at-work/1011)

Neftren
2008-11-07, 07:22 PM
I like the one about the Halloween store.

Hehe.. 6.66% off.... (http://notalwaysright.com/just-another-day-at-work/1011)

Did that really happen? Like seriously... poor guy in the costume there...

Jack Squat
2008-11-07, 07:58 PM
Did that really happen? Like seriously... poor guy in the costume there...

It's likely...I know people who would do the same thing as the customer.

I find it funny when people hastily toss a pack gum at me to ring up when their order is $6.66.

Neftren
2008-11-07, 07:59 PM
It's likely...I know people who would do the same thing as the customer.

I find it funny when people hastily toss a pack gum at me to ring up when their order is $6.66.

People really ought to go read Paradise Lost... they might learn something about Satan.

Jack Squat
2008-11-07, 08:04 PM
People really ought to go read Paradise Lost... they might learn something about Satan.

This is Knoxville, if it isn't the Bible or related to the Vols, people don't read it.

Neftren
2008-11-07, 08:05 PM
This is Knoxville, if it isn't the Bible or related to the Vols, people don't read it.

Pity. They don't know how much they're missing out on English Literature.

Keris
2008-11-07, 08:08 PM
Pity. They don't know how much they're missing out on English Literature.

Well, if they don't read, of course they don't.

Oh, and thanks a lot Setra. It's gonna take me hours to finish reading through that site.:smallmad::smalltongue: