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Return of Lanky
2008-11-07, 10:29 PM
Wikipedia defines Polyamory as "the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. The term polyamory is sometimes abbreviated to poly, and is sometimes described as consensual, ethical, or responsible non-monogamy. The word is sometimes used more broadly to refer to relationships that are not sexually exclusive, though there is disagreement on how broadly it applies."

So, what's a playgrounder's view on the subject? Lanky has been forced into a corner, and needs your assistance (aided by a dozen beers) to make sense of the subject.

valadil
2008-11-07, 10:45 PM
Poly is a nice enough philosophy, but I don't think it can work for everyone. I'm too jealous to have an SO that sees other people and I'm not outgoing enough to take advantage of it myself. I also think poly gets a bad rep from people who sleep with anyone and justify it by saying "I'm not a slut, I'm polyamorous - that's 5 syllables so it's gotta be good."

Return of Lanky
2008-11-07, 10:56 PM
My problem is that one grandfather held a Psychology doctorate, and had cause to comment (frequently) on an uncle caught between a girlfriend an an ex-wife. A group of three people is the most psychologically unstable grouping in existence (more so than a couple, even!) and I'm more than hesitant to put myself in that position.

Syka
2008-11-07, 10:57 PM
It definitely won't work for everyone. On another forum I am on, there are a number of members in poly relationships that work quite well. I also have a friend whose currently in one with a couple and they are amazingly happy together. I'm just glad there are people out there in happy and healthy relationships. :)

If you can do it, great. BUT it takes a lot of communication, more so than other relationships, and you have to know yourself very well. It's not something I could do personally, but who am I to say what other consenting adults can do with each other? I do believe it's possible to love more than one person at a time, which is why I don't think this is so weird. I'm just don't share my partners too well, unless I don't care deeply for them (hence why the one casual relationship I was in was fairly superficial, if fairly long).

Cheers,
Syka

EDIT: I'll add, there is a huge difference between a poly relationship and an open relationship. In the former, all three (or more) members have a relationship with each other- they are all involved. In the latter, each partner is free to be with other partners, but their main partner is not necessarily involved and there is usually no 'real' relationship between the extra partners.

And I would also like to take issue with the term slut. I feel it is very derogatory and judgmental to say something so negative about someone just because they view sex and their sexuality different than you do.

ETA Again: Wow...I come across as way to knowledgeable about this, don't I? oo' I'm a serial monogamist, but I am fascinated by relationships and after talking to a couple people in poly relationships, I've learned a lot about it. It's not all evil and sleeping around. With poly relationships, there is a true relationship and attachment there. Not just sex.

Semidi
2008-11-07, 10:58 PM
As long as no one is getting hurt and everyone involved is into it, I'm hard pressed to see a problem with it. Personally, it wouldn't be for me, but I also don't like doing a lot of things other people do.

Gray Jester
2008-11-07, 11:01 PM
As someone who has been in more then one polyamorous relationship, my feelings on it are still rather vague. It's not, in my opinion, a perfect substitute for all the issues of a monogamous relationship, and it instead just replaces one issue with another issue.

Polyamory is interesting. I would definitely say that one, it's not for everyone, and two, it's not a fix to relationship troubles. It's not "I'm not happy but I'm too invested to break up, so I want to expand my horizons.", and using it that way will screw the other partner over in a serious way. (Personal note: I've been on the receiving end of that, and it messed me up for about a month before the relationship ended.) Even if it isn't used that way, it's still inherently more risky in many ways then a monogamous relationship unless it's entered cautiously and with a lot of communication, and can make or break a relationship.

My view on it is that it can lead to just as meaningful relationships as monogamy, because/but it requires a lot more in the way of trust and respect, which also makes it much harder. On the other hand, if you're even the slightest bit insecure in the relationship, it's not a good idea. Same goes if you're an instinctively jealous person (well, most people are) and don't have an easy time banishing it/working it out. My main issues with it are jealousy based ones, which stem from slight relationship insecurity, and I find that you can solve that if you open the relationship slowly and communicate well throughout. (And both people are completely for it. If one person isn't for it, it will -not- work in the long term. Period.)

On the other hand, with the right people, it has its advantages, and can make a relationship more interesting. Loving more then one person at a time with the same intensity certainly is possible, and can lead to meaningful relationships that are more then just friendship.*

*Nothing against simple platonic friendship, it's wonderful and one of the best things in the world. However, in my opinion a little bit of physical interaction between friends never hurt either of them, when it's completely consensual, etc., etc.



My problem is that one grandfather held a Psychology doctorate, and had cause to comment (frequently) on an uncle caught between a girlfriend an an ex-wife. A group of three people is the most psychologically unstable grouping in existence (more so than a couple, even!) and I'm more than hesitant to put myself in that position.

Yeah, the thing is, a grouping of three is unstable because two people are relying on the one in the middle, and it's -very- easy to get jealousy that way (assuming this is a V shape relationship, as opposed to a full triangle, in which case it's more stable, but can still fail if one group starts even slightly to pair-bond and isolate the other person). I stress that if one partner is forcing polyamory, it won't work.

Raien
2008-11-07, 11:02 PM
I also think poly gets a bad rep from people who sleep with anyone and justify it by saying "I'm not a slut, I'm polyamorous - that's 5 syllables so it's gotta be good."

Yeah, if you're just using it to sleep around with people without having any real relationship with them, that's generally referred to as just having an open relationship. I'm pretty sure polyamory implies more of an emotional, loving attachment to whomever you're sleeping with.

I think I could do polyamory, but for one problem...I generally can't find one person I want to spend a lot of time with and have a romantic connection to, much less more than one at the same time. I'm much more comfortable with open relationships. I'm not jealous at all...I kinda take more of a Stranger in a Strange Land view of it, if you grok. :smalltongue: The funny thing is, almost every guy I date is appalled at the thought. I thought it would be easy to find a guy who'd be thrilled with the though I'd encourage them be with other people.

But I think as long as everyone involved likes each other and can spend a lot of time with each other, and isn't jealous, it can work out well.

golentan
2008-11-07, 11:05 PM
I always remain voluntarily monogamous, but I would have no problem with a partner pursuing relations with others so long as

A) They informed me beforehand.
B) They were upfront with the other party/parties.
C) No communicable diseases were involved.

Tarnag40k
2008-11-07, 11:07 PM
Having more then one woman at once!? WHy not!
White text ones you.

But really, I have a hard enough time keeping up with one woman. How would I ever be able to handle more?

Return of Lanky
2008-11-07, 11:12 PM
I'm going to go ahead and assume I'm not smart enough to hide everything from everyone here.

Essentially, for those who've been following my own personal drama (with getting stabbed and all) Tammy and Theresa have offered to bring me into their relationship and make it a polyamory thing. My problems here are entirely confined to a few issues:

-If Tammy and I get into a fight with Theresa, she's going to view it as two people with an extensive past ganging up on her. You know... Not freaking cool at all.

-If Tammy and Theresa team up on me, despite my placid nature, I'm sure I'm going to wonder (in the back of my empty skull) if it's the two veterans teaming up against the newb.

-I don't know how a Theresa and I versus Tammy could wind up bad, but like the topic title says, I've had a dozen beers and my judgement is flawed. I'm sure it'd be nearly as damning.

Regardless, my worry here is more concerned with the fact that if I accept, I'm going to irrevocably change Tammy's relationship with Theresa than anything. A small, bitter, overtly-male part of me wants to accept, but I sense impending doom.

I guess what I'm asking is... Was I right to turn them down for now?

I know. Maturity fits me like a Sailor Senshi outfit fits Bubba. The question stands.

Gray Jester
2008-11-07, 11:15 PM
Having more then one woman at once!? WHy not!
White text ones you.

But really, I have a hard enough time keeping up with one woman. How would I ever be able to handle more?

Because you have to be emotionally committed to more then one woman, for it to be polyamory and not just sleeping around/an open relationship, and you have to balance each one's wants and needs from the relationship, particularly with the fact that although your love of them may be equal and without limit, your time is not so infinite. If they're jealous, and you genuinely care about both, it would be absolute hell to go through.


Edit: Spanky: Gut feeling of extensive doom might be worth going with. Your stomach rarely lies to you, in my experience. However, if you think you might be able to ease into a relationship with one/both of them slowly, it might be worthwhile to try out, but keep in mind that you could be risking a friendship you have put a lot of value on. Although it is possible to remain friends with someone after a breakup, it's hard, particularly if you didn't part on amiable terms. In the end, it's up to you (and point? your overtly-male part of you is not a bad thing, or something to be ashamed of, it's simply part of who you are), and if you are willing to risk friendship for the serious possibility of love.
However, although it's still an unstable structure, a triangle is much, much better then a V. On the other hand, I stress that if you do it, you -will- have to communicate extensively in ways that may be beyond your comfort level, such as honestly telling a significant person in your life who's image of you is important to you that you're feeling jealous/etc. Communication of both negative and positive emotions is key, as is approaching the relationship with a certain degree of tact and maturity.

Felixaar
2008-11-07, 11:20 PM
I'd say you were right, Lanks, but that's just my opinion on the matter. I'm personally against Poly, but also respectful of peoples right to do what they want so long as they do not harm, physically or mentally, any individual other than themselves, or if they do then they do it so that individual avoids larger, certain harm in the future.

But... yeah. I'm not going to say where this quote comes from to avoid possibly breaking forum rules, but


A man cannot serve two masters, for he will end up loving one and hating the other.

In the long term you'll just end up liking one more than the other and that'll screw all to hell. And if this is to be a long term relationship, do you really wanna explain to your grandkids why they have two grandmas? (well, three, including your child's spouses mother)

p.s. If you were referring to Bubba from that trilogy by Christopher Pike... :smalltongue:

Zarrexaij
2008-11-07, 11:24 PM
It takes very special people to make polyamory to work. Personally, I couldn't handle it. I'm a fairly jealous person and I don't think I could handle that sort of dynamic relationship.

Zeful
2008-11-07, 11:40 PM
-If Tammy and I get into a fight with Theresa, she's going to view it as two people with an extensive past ganging up on her. You know... Not freaking cool at all.

-If Tammy and Theresa team up on me, despite my placid nature, I'm sure I'm going to wonder (in the back of my empty skull) if it's the two veterans teaming up against the newb.

-I don't know how a Theresa and I versus Tammy could wind up bad, but like the topic title says, I've had a dozen beers and my judgement is flawed. I'm sure it'd be nearly as damning.
The first thing you have to do if you accept is to lay some ground rules. The first about fights: If two of you are fighting the third has to stay out of it. This may sound mean but it really is the best thing to do. If Tammy and Theresa are fighting, walk away. Take a walk for ten minutes, go get sodas or chocolate or something. Then when their done, try to get them to talk about what they were fighting about, separately. This allows you to put your two cents in without seeming like ganging up on one of them. If you think Tammy and Theresa are teaming up on you (outside the bedroom), speak up, don't sit back and take it, that will make things worse.


Regardless, my worry here is more concerned with the fact that if I accept, I'm going to irrevocably change Tammy's relationship with Theresa than anything. A small, bitter, overtly-male part of me wants to accept, but I sense impending doom.
This concern is something that tells me you probably shouldn't join them, simply because you care that you might mess things up. Either way talk to them about this, and don't rush to a decision. Heck, show them this thread. They need to hear your concerns more than we do.

Raien
2008-11-07, 11:42 PM
And if this is to be a long term relationship, do you really wanna explain to your grandkids why they have two grandmas? (well, three, including your child's spouses mother)


I think this is a really BS reason against it...it's like saying gay people shouldn't get together cause they'll have to explain why their kids have two moms/two dads. I'm hoping that far in the future no one's going to care what sex your parents/grandparents are, or how many of them. I mean, I had four grammas for a while cause both my parents were remarried. Who cares?

Recaiden
2008-11-07, 11:50 PM
Regardless, my worry here is more concerned with the fact that if I accept, I'm going to irrevocably change Tammy's relationship with Theresa than anything. A small, bitter, overtly-male part of me wants to accept, but I sense impending doom.


How do you think it will change their relationship? I accept that it will, but what you mean by that is important. If you agree, and it doesn't work out, would your or their friendship be totally ruined? I think that if you are sure that you are able to handle a poly relationship, and sure that they are, then it could be okay. Having doubts about something doesn't mean that you shouldn't do it, but you need to talk with them and be sure of what oyu're doing.

golentan
2008-11-07, 11:56 PM
I think this is a really BS reason against it...it's like saying gay people shouldn't get together cause they'll have to explain why their kids have two moms/two dads. I'm hoping that far in the future no one's going to care what sex your parents/grandparents are, or how many of them. I mean, I had four grammas for a while cause both my parents were remarried. Who cares?

WOW! How many presents did you get for christmas? If they were good grandparents, I envy you, truly.

I agree, current social norms and biases should play little to no role in affairs of the heart. The issue here is whether you (lanky) believe that you (by which I mean the three of you) can make this relationship work. I would talk out your concerns with the others before making a decision, and weight that far more heavily than anything we say here. Also, do try laying out groundrules, and ask them for their own. I always do this at the start of any relationship, regardless of how unusual it is, and I've found it smooths things and helps the relationship last longer, be happier, and if it doesn't work it at least ends congenially.

And definitely wait till you are sober to do all that.

ghost_warlock
2008-11-07, 11:57 PM
I've had nightmares where I was simultaneously in a relationship, and living in the same household, with all of my ex-girlfriends as well as my current partner. Again, I stress that this was a nightmare! :smalleek:

I don't think I could ever be in a polyamorous relationship; I'm simply way too jealous/insecure. Though, the grunting caveman in me wouldn't mind a girl-girl-me relationship, in theory, but I don't think I could handle anything else without being also in love with any other male in the mix. Unfortunately, I have an extremely polarized heterosexual sexuality so that sort of relationship would never work for me. Also, I don't think I'd do well in any relationship with more than 3-4 partners, since I fear this would rapidly undermine my trust in the other partners.

Return of Lanky
2008-11-08, 12:00 AM
Recaiden: Essentially, the only reason Tammy and I haven't been dating is because one of us has been in a relationship. Two weeks ago, I got out of mine. Now, I'm being offered every man's dream... Not one, but two women more than willing to try and make things work.

Like I said, setting aside the fact that a 3-person relationship of an sort, let alone a commited relationship, is the most unstable... And no, I can't overemphasize that fact.

Tammy has a great relationship. I can't help but think Theresa thinks that she needs to accept the polyamory angle. And I honestly couldn't forgive myself if I broke those two up. Which is why I've declined, in the harshest possible terms.

Can anyone tell me why doing the right thing makes me feel like such a bastard? I'm new to this whole conscience thing.

Edit: And before anyone makes the joke... Yes, I feel like I've self-revoked the right to own and operate a p****. Tammy's friendship is worth it.

Gray Jester
2008-11-08, 12:04 AM
Can anyone tell me why doing the right thing makes me feel like such a bastard? I'm new to this whole conscience thing.

Because sometimes to do the right thing, you have to be a bastard. I felt like a horrible person after ending a certain relationship in the past, but it was sincerely for the best: it wasn't working for me, and I felt kind of selfish in ending it, but in the end, I maintain that it was the right thing to do, because I didn't see the person as anything more then a friend at that point in the relationship, and yet we were still committed to one another. Sometimes the best choice isn't the easiest one. If you feel that it is the right thing to do, though, then you made a good choice, in my opinion. Only you are your expert on the matters of your heart.

Syka
2008-11-08, 12:04 AM
I've had nightmares where I was simultaneously in a relationship, and living in the same household, with all of my ex-girlfriends as well as my current partner. Again, I stress that this was a nightmare! :smalleek:

I don't think I could ever be in a polyamorous relationship; I'm simply way too jealous/insecure. Though, the grunting caveman in me wouldn't mind a girl-girl-me relationship, in theory, but I don't think I could handle anything else without being also in love with any other male in the mix. Unfortunately, I have an extremely polarized heterosexual sexuality so that sort of relationship would never work for me. Also, I don't think I'd do well in any relationship with more than 3-4 partners, since I fear this would rapidly undermine my trust in the other partners.

Don't overestimate your willingness for MFF. On the site I go to, it's been unanimous that the girls who've offered their boyfriends such a deal have always been turned down. Why? Generally, they are as interested in girls as they are in boys, so it represents the same threat either way.

That said, OP, I think you were smart. I think the fact that you all have pasts would affect whether or not it would work. It doesn't sound like you think it would, so it's probably best to go with your gut feeling.

Cheers~

golentan
2008-11-08, 12:12 AM
"Doing the right thing" means doing something that you don't want to do in order to protect something you care about more. If you are ambivalent, even a little, it leads to feelings of regret, leading to self-loathing, which usually takes the form of pointing out to yourself all the fairly small mistakes you made in your actions. That leads to feeling like a bastard. At least, that's the way it always works for me.

Maybe "harshest possible terms" wasn't the right way to handle it though. No benefit to second guessing, but AGAIN consider talking out your reasons, fears, and motives with Tammy and Theresa. Explain why you did what you did, and do it calmly and without losing your temper.

And again, always make decisions of magnitude and have detailed discussions only after sobering up. Go to sleep, and don't check back here or talk to the other parties until you have slept for at least 8 hours. And for god's sake, don't drink before doing it. You WILL make bad decisions that way, and more people will get more upset.

Edit: And if you are that sure of it, yes you did the right thing, don't backpedal on that. But move forward with understanding and friendship.

Syka
2008-11-08, 12:16 AM
"Doing the right thing" means doing something that you don't want to do in order to protect something you care about more. If you are ambivalent, even a little, it leads to feelings of regret, leading to self-loathing, which usually takes the form of pointing out to yourself all the fairly small mistakes you made in your actions. That leads to feeling like a bastard. At least, that's the way it always works for me.

Maybe "harshest possible terms" wasn't the right way to handle it though. No benefit to second guessing, but AGAIN consider talking out your reasons, fears, and motives with Tammy and Theresa. Explain why you did what you did, and do it calmly and without losing your temper.

And again, always make decisions of magnitude and have detailed discussions only after sobering up. Go to sleep, and don't check back here or talk to the other parties until you have slept for at least 8 hours. And for god's sake, don't drink before doing it. You WILL make bad decisions that way, and more people will get more upset.

Edit: And if you are that sure of it, yes you did the right thing, don't backpedal on that. But move forward with understanding and friendship.

Yeah, really really really don't drink. Blech. I've only had one serious situation involve alcohol (not me, the two guys) and...yeah, it was awkward after that. It involved one confessing long held feelings for me despite the fact I was dating a mutual friend at the time. >> I highly discourage liquid courage.

Cheers,
Syka

Return of Lanky
2008-11-08, 12:18 AM
golentan: No, this is stirring survival instincts that didn't twitch when I got stabbed. There is no second guessing. And the harshest possible terms, to Tammy, were "If I broke up something wonderful out of my own self-pity, could I ever face you again?"

So, I burned no bridges. For the record.

Syka: For the record, Dutch Courage makes me introspective, which is why I didn't jump all over the offer like white on rice. I think it may have saved me in this case.

Felixaar
2008-11-08, 12:22 AM
I highly discourage liquid courage.

Listen to the foxy lady.

I mean, the smart fox.

golentan
2008-11-08, 12:41 AM
Yeah, really really really don't drink. Blech. I've only had one serious situation involve alcohol (not me, the two guys) and...yeah, it was awkward after that. It involved one confessing long held feelings for me despite the fact I was dating a mutual friend at the time. >> I highly discourage liquid courage.

Cheers,
Syka

Ugh. That's rough. I don't take mind altering substances myself, since I barely have any self control as it is. I can see the news report now:

"Today, _____ _____, of Pacific Grove, had a beer. Casualties are reported in the thousands, and the Army has been dispatched to Central California. They are reporting s/he has found a bottle of tequila, leading this reporter to ask: Is there hope for Mankind?"

Note: I am not against the use of drugs or alcohol in any way shape or form. I strongly advise people to go out and indulge in the recreational substances of their choice, with the understanding that they do it safely and do not operate dangerous equipment or relationships while under the influence. I personally refrain because I am dangerous equipment, and thus am violating the principles of recreational use.

Recaiden
2008-11-08, 12:42 AM
Recaiden: Essentially, the only reason Tammy and I haven't been dating is because one of us has been in a relationship. Two weeks ago, I got out of mine. Now, I'm being offered every man's dream... Not one, but two women more than willing to try and make things work.

Like I said, setting aside the fact that a 3-person relationship of an sort, let alone a commited relationship, is the most unstable... And no, I can't overemphasize that fact.

Tammy has a great relationship. I can't help but think Theresa thinks that she needs to accept the polyamory angle. And I honestly couldn't forgive myself if I broke those two up. Which is why I've declined, in the harshest possible terms.

Can anyone tell me why doing the right thing makes me feel like such a bastard? I'm new to this whole conscience thing.

Edit: And before anyone makes the joke... Yes, I feel like I've self-revoked the right to own and operate a p****. Tammy's friendship is worth it.

I don't know anything about Theresa, that's why i was kind of vague.
Choosing what's good for someone else over yourself feels bad, for obvious reasons, no matter who they are, and choosing what's best for you makes you feel llike you're being selfish. If you are at all uncertain that it really is "the right thing", you feel doubt because you could have made a huge mistake and made things worse for yourself and them, so you feel sadness and guilt. Don't second guess your decisions, but be sure before you make any final ones. Take time to consider this.

KnightDisciple
2008-11-08, 12:44 AM
Recaiden: Essentially, the only reason Tammy and I haven't been dating is because one of us has been in a relationship. Two weeks ago, I got out of mine. Now, I'm being offered every man's dream... Not one, but two women more than willing to try and make things work.

Like I said, setting aside the fact that a 3-person relationship of an sort, let alone a commited relationship, is the most unstable... And no, I can't overemphasize that fact.

Tammy has a great relationship. I can't help but think Theresa thinks that she needs to accept the polyamory angle. And I honestly couldn't forgive myself if I broke those two up. Which is why I've declined, in the harshest possible terms.

Can anyone tell me why doing the right thing makes me feel like such a bastard? I'm new to this whole conscience thing.

Edit: And before anyone makes the joke... Yes, I feel like I've self-revoked the right to own and operate a p****. Tammy's friendship is worth it.

I think it's admirable you made the decision to not just jump in out of concern for your friend. Your "harshest possible" wording is rather un-harsh, far as I can tell (which isn't very far, but still). I think if you are considering this, you need to sit down with both parties involved. And as others have said, do so when sober. Make sure your faculties are clear and alert.

Incidentally, you've revoked nothing. You have, in my view, shown yourself more of a man by listening to something other than your block and tackle. Good for you. :smallsmile:

rayne_dragon
2008-11-08, 01:36 AM
Can anyone tell me why doing the right thing makes me feel like such a bastard? I'm new to this whole conscience thing.

Edit: And before anyone makes the joke... Yes, I feel like I've self-revoked the right to own and operate a p****. Tammy's friendship is worth it.

As has been stated it takes a special sort of person to make polyamoury work, plus no small amount of persistance, understanding, patience and a number of other virtues commonly lacking in even monogamous relationships. It takes a smart person to know they're not right for it an admit it outright.

If anything you've proven your right to own and operate said anatomy.

I'd also suggest that you might feel like a bastard because it goes against you desires and is a rejection of a nice offer on the part of two people you care about. You may be hurting all three involved parties at least a little right now, although it's likely not as bad as a botched relationship would be. I'm not saying this to make it sound bad, you're just trying to do the best with a less than great situation. If you do feel too bad about it, you may want to talk it over with the others involved - communcation is important to all relationships.

Return of Lanky
2008-11-08, 02:15 AM
See, that's my hope.

At worst, I'm turning down exactly what I want and more. At worst, I'm losing my best friend.

Wait.

Aw, ****... (in the best Elan voice you can manage)

TSGames
2008-11-08, 03:11 AM
Can anyone tell me why doing the right thing makes me feel like such a bastard? I'm new to this whole conscience thing.

Edit: And before anyone makes the joke... Yes, I feel like I've self-revoked the right to own and operate a p****. Tammy's friendship is worth it.

You should not feel bad for choosing to do the right thing. It is not manly to risk destroying strong friendships simply for personal pleasure or gain. You are more of a man now for making the right choice and not acting in accordance with an offensive stereotype, than you ever could have been been otherwise.

valadil
2008-11-08, 09:31 AM
My problem is that one grandfather held a Psychology doctorate, and had cause to comment (frequently) on an uncle caught between a girlfriend an an ex-wife. A group of three people is the most psychologically unstable grouping in existence (more so than a couple, even!) and I'm more than hesitant to put myself in that position.

Poly is usually about several one on ones rather than a big happy threesome. I think it's also easiest if you have a designated primary who takes priority over the other SOs.

In your case of getting involved with Tammy and Thereasa, I don't think you'd be either's primary. And I agree with everyone else that your arguments would have to be one on one rather than you ganging up on someone.

Note: I'm not actually poly but I have a lot of poly friends who have tried to convert me over the years.

ghost_warlock
2008-11-08, 11:08 AM
Don't overestimate your willingness for MFF. On the site I go to, it's been unanimous that the girls who've offered their boyfriends such a deal have always been turned down. Why? Generally, they are as interested in girls as they are in boys, so it represents the same threat either way.

Well, like I said, it's all theoretical at this point. I've never been in a situation where MFF was even a possibility, to my knowledge so I haven't spent much time considering the issue. There's a significant portion of my brain that doesn't believe such a situation is even a RL possibility. I think I've met four confessedly-bi-sexual women in my non-gitp life. Two were in long-term, committed, exclusive relationships. One was the love-interest of my like-a-brother cousin so she was out-of-bounds for me. The other was...really not my type (heavy into experimentation with drugs).

Optimystik
2008-11-08, 01:57 PM
Corellon Larethian manages it just fine. :smallwink:

Triads aren't my cup of tea, but I would like to try one to see what it's like. I get the feeling it either makes bedroom escapades a breeze, or complicates them beyond all reason, with no middle ground.

But while an odd number might have jealousy issues, what about an even number? Then everyone can have a "primary" and swap to spice things up, without anyone feeling left out. They call it a "third wheel" for a reason, after all...

Zarrexaij
2008-11-08, 02:01 PM
Odd numbers have nothing to do with it.

Each time you had a person, you pretty much exponentially increase the amount of dynamics going on.

I mean, in a triad, there's X and Y's relationship, Y and Z's relationship, Z and X's relationship, X and Y's relationship to Z, Y and Z's relationship to X, and Z and X's relationship to Y.

You see what I'm going at here?

DanielX
2008-11-08, 05:26 PM
My $0.02:

You all should wait a month or two anyway. You just got burned bad in a relationship, not the time to be going headfirst into something...complicated (and, as the above posters have all said, polygamous/polyamorous relationships are more complicated, and ANY relationship isn't all that simple). The whole thing may also be a spur-of-the-moment decision by Tammy / Theresa anyway, one or both may decide its a bad idea in a week.

If both of them are still interested in pursuing a relationship with you after you've all had some time for things to cool off, then you should probably give it more serious thought. It would still be a risk, but so is life, and the odds that it will work will be much, much higher if you all go into it rationally, knowing the potential risks, having had time to think and discuss potential issues (i.e. jealousy) through, and not being unduly influenced by strong emotions (which... being stabbed by your then-girlfriend will do to you and your friends).

What you don't need, though, is a sudden 'pity relationship' that could just end up screwing your life up further by alienating you from your best friend, or alienating her from her partner, or both. So, regardless if this would be the best thing that could happen to you or not, you were right to refuse (at this time). You should tell them "wait a few weeks and see if you still think this is a good idea".

Quietus
2011-01-25, 11:09 AM
See, that's my hope.

At worst, I'm turning down exactly what I want and more. At worst, I'm losing my best friend.

Wait.

Aw, ****... (in the best Elan voice you can manage)

I sincerely doubt you'll lose Tammy over this. Hell, just from reading the thread where you describe being stabbed, and this thread, I get the feeling that the two of you are very close - probably close enough to more or less read each other's minds. That tends to happen after over a decade of close friendship, something I'm quite jealous of by the way. With how you put it to her, I suspect she understands that this isn't a rejection of any advances, necessarily, but a choice made out of the desire to not mess up a good thing in her life. At least, I hope that's the case.


Well, like I said, it's all theoretical at this point. I've never been in a situation where MFF was even a possibility, to my knowledge so I haven't spent much time considering the issue. There's a significant portion of my brain that doesn't believe such a situation is even a RL possibility. I think I've met four confessedly-bi-sexual women in my non-gitp life. Two were in long-term, committed, exclusive relationships. One was the love-interest of my like-a-brother cousin so she was out-of-bounds for me. The other was...really not my type (heavy into experimentation with drugs).

It's no less complicated when you're in a relationship with a bisexual woman, trust me. My current girlfriend has admitted to being bi, admittedly with a strong lean toward men but in general having some attraction to women as well. And even with that, I'd be torn if offered MFF. In my case it's because I have a strong jealousy reaction to the thought of her with someone else, I don't share all that well, but it does help that I'm introspective enough to know what my general response would be, and our relationship has been based on open communication, no matter how hard it might be to say something. And yet I'm curious; It's not something I've experienced before, and I love trying new things. Ah well, it's the hard choices that make life interesting, right? :smalltongue: