A song I wrote... (Comments and Criticisms welcome)

[loopy]

I've been writing a lot of lyrics recently (no idea why, I'm no musician, though I'd really like to put them to music), and I thought I'd share this song with you, seeing as I value the opinions of my GitPites :smallbiggrin:. Its based on a few of my friends.

Run Away
She hides herself from everyone
Her mask contrasts with ever-changing
Shades of hair and lies
Tearing up and
Tearing out those perfect eyes
No one gets a glimpse
Into her beating
Hard to take away
Have to get away

I hear your voice as you say
You'll get out of here, ...run away
Faster, Faster
I'll be your jester prince
The king of fools for caring
So much for caring

Watching from within
As the dance continues
Stilted puppets sway and spin
According to her whims (and see that Cheshire grin)
A world of her creation
Night to write, wrong for so long

The matchstick men,
Come again
"Bring this tie to the ball
A slipknot, and why not, its so fashionable"
"Pull a trigger, be remembered"
"And call me in the morning"

I hear your voice as you say
You'll get out of here, ...run away
Faster, Faster

Comments and criticisms welcome! I know its a bit emo, but I'm kind of imagining it as an acoustic-y type song.

EDIT: Oh hey, I'm an Ogre now, woo! :smallsmile:

SECOND EDIT: And please don't hesitate to tell me if they are crap. I'd much rather have people tell me the truth. :smallsmile:

[EleventhHour]

Is rather sad...

::

There's repetition, but it doesn't seem to follow a pattern verse-wise...
I think it'd go best with a Blues-ish tempo, acoustic guitar/Harmonica. Or a piano by itself, since it tends to work well for almost everything.

[Maximum Zersk]

That's based off of one of your friends!? :smalleek:

Nice, would be interesting to see what the instrumental part would be.

[loopy]

That's based off of one of your friends!? :smalleek:

Well yes, she was desperately unhappy for a good long time. She never did get around to dealing with her isolation... As it was mostly a self-perception thing.

She did eventually run away. I barely hear from her nowadays. I miss her.

[Kaelaroth]

As a piece of writing, it's good. Sad, I'll admit, especially in its from-truth-ness, but effective. Perhaps you could (even very roughly) record it, or, if you can't, get a friend to sing it for you, so we could hear it as a song, rather than just a song-like poem?

[loopy]

As a piece of writing, it's good. Sad, I'll admit, especially in its from-truth-ness, but effective. Perhaps you could (even very roughly) record it, or, if you can't, get a friend to sing it for you, so we could hear it as a song, rather than just a song-like poem?

Well, that is the plan, my mate said he'd help me write some music for it. I'm stuck with the last two 'verses(es es es)'. :smallsmile:

Between the lines:
According to her whims (and see that Cheshire grin)
---
A world of her creation

and

A slipknot, and why not, its so fashionable"
---
"Pull a trigger, be remembered"

I feel like there should be another two lines, for the song doesn't quite parse in my head (or when I sing it to myself). I need to figure something out. :smallsigh:

Oh, and I saw the girl who this song was based on yesterday, just for a second or two. For a moment, we were together again. :smallsmile: