Under the Sun

[Z2theR]

This is a little creative writing that i'm writing. It's a somewhat short story. Please read and comment

Part 1


"Hurry up Lily!" George would yell to his sister as they were racing towards the spring. "im coming big bro" she would yell back. But today was different. Instead of racing the were walking, in sorrow. Why? they were mourning the death of there mother. She hadn't died of natural causes either she was killed by the monsters who called themselves the king of there land. They didn't know where they came from or who they were all they knew is that they were evil. Anyways, when George and his sister got to the spring something was different when they got there there were the general who killed his mother and his soldiers.

"Well, well, well look who we have here.... Trespassers." The general said.
"What, No!" George yelled
"Tresspassers must be killed" George stepped in front of his sister
"Grab the girl" The soldiers grabbed George and brought Lily to the general
"NO STOP!!"
The General pulled out his 44. Magnum and put it to Lily's head.
"NOOOOO!" George screamed.
"Tresspassers must be killed" He smiled and pulled the trigger.

For George, this went in slow motion. The flash of the gun and his sisters body falling to the ground. George did what instinct told him to do.


He ran.


To Be Continued.

Please comment.

[Zom B]

The story has a very large number of grammatical and punctuational errors and some problem with the prose in general. Let me first edit the story, and then give some suggestions on what would be good for a rewrite.

"Hurry up, Lily!" George would yell to his sister as they were racing towards the spring. "I'm coming, big bro!" she would yell back. But today was different. Instead of racing, they were walking in sorrow. Why? They were mourning the death of theretheir mother. She hadn't died of natural causes either she was killed by the monsters who called themselveshimself the king of theretheir land. They didn't know where they came from or who they were; all they knew is that they were evil. Anyways, when George and his sister got to the spring something was different: When they got there, there were the general who killed his mother and his soldiers.

Even correcting that, there are some glaring problems:

"...she was killed by the monsters who called themselves the king of there land. They didn't know where they came from or who they were all they knew is that they were evil."

If they know that the monsters that call themselves king killed their mother, then how come "they didn't know...who they were"?

"The General pulled out his 44. Magnum and put it to Lily's head."

All right, right up until this point I thought this was a fantasy story, what with all the talk of kings and sort. But okay.