druid91
11-13-2010, 10:08 PM
Well I've been trying to write.
Emphasis on trying.
Below spoilered so that those of you who lack the ability to read poor writing can be spared the horror.
The story-tellers boy had come far to get where he was now. Deep in goblin country, practically a stones throw away from the capital sprikang. But it would be worth it, if his father was right it would all be worth it. A few months ago his father had stumbled across a copy of the story of Ared, the hero of the age of crusades. It was in patches but it gave hints of a deeper story than the usual. In most accounts the story focused on Ared and his human companions, leaving out all but the barest mention of his… stranger comrades. And once the story-teller knew that there was more to be had he began doing research in the subject, until finally for the hefty sum of 30 gold coins a goblin told that one of Areds companions still lived in the mountains above the capital, now an ancient being, it never stirred from its lair and was brought offerings of food weekly. Now if only he could hang on for just a few more feet, the cave was in sight... After a few minutes of frantic climbing he was in the cave panting from exertion and soaking wet. That’s when he heard the voice “Come boy… Sit by the fire.” It was sibilant and menacing but at the same time tired and carried no hint of malice. He had made it to the lair of Ibel lizard monster, last surviving companion of Ared. Soon enough the boy requested to hear the full tale of Ared, including the story behind the hero’s friendship with Ibel and Kivish. Ibel sat down in a chair by the fire. And began his story “You see this happened long ago, pieces of the tale abound, even I don’t know for myself what happened in the beginning, but I don’t doubt Ared. If he says he fought a night spouse, a troll in your tongue, hand to hand before losing use of his arm I believe him. He certainly showed himself impressive, even with only one hand. There were sometimes when I wonder if he was a human like he seemed. But you came to hear a story and I wish to tell it.”
Ared was born in a small hamlet, the circumstances of his birth were mysterious as his father never stepped forth to show himself, soon Ared was working in the fields like any boy, but he was certainly stronger than most. So Later on when he was grown and the village faced ever increasing predations by a monster who lived to the north the obvious choice to face it was Ared, he got together a backpack and traveling clothes and left. He made it through the wilderness without incident, passing by a kobold tribe in the hills. He made it to the beasts cave, there were bodies strewn about, some in various stages of being… processed for food. Ared felt that shiver of fear but ignored it and walked in, pushing the crude wooden door aside. Here were the corpses of previous “heroes” who’d attempted to put an end to the beast, and here was the beast itself. For hours the two fought. Exchanging blow for blow, kick for kick, and scratch for scratch. Until finally the monster threw him into the wall, and sank its teeth into his arm, Ared screamed in pain and fear as he felt his hand weaken, the blood flowing freely from the wounds. Certain that his end was near Ared looked about for something that he could use to get the beast off of him, and there it was a corpse not an arms length from him, impaled on a spear and mounted on the wall of the cave. Ared reached out and grabbed the spear and stabbed the monster in the mouth, prying the creature off of himself and then he finished it with a quick thrust to the throat, he dropped the spear and walked away, cradling his shattered arm on his other arm he made his way back home as the sun went down. Behind him a kobold acolyte went to visit the creature and beg its blessing upon the tribe. He opened the door and went in, finding the troll dead, its blood spreading across the floor of the cave.
He arrived back at town and immediately set about looking for allies to help him fight, now that his arm was ruined. He met with little success; none of the villagers had the courage to join him. In fact the only creature who offered was Ibel, the prisoner kept there since the last war with the goblins. But the mayor was adamantly against this wanted the monster kept prisoner till it rotted away. Ared wouldn’t have it, “If the only brave creature among you is a monster, then I suppose I have to trust a monster don’t I?” Ibel was soon freed. And then the two traveled to the court of the king, where they discovered Kivish the bison demon, a deserter, who had fought in the last war as well imprisoned in the castle. Ared asked him “Why do they keep you here?” Kivish took a moment to focus before answering “Becaushe I Drinksh too Much...” Ared looked to Ibel who said “We should free him; he was a good fighter, before he drank.” Ared nodded and walked out, he had a meeting with the king. The king was seemed distant, as he should be as the king of a land beset by all manner of monsters and outlaws. He refused to share news of trouble with a “local hero, no match for the soldiers of the massing kobold armies…” He did however grant Ared three swordsman to aid in ridding the area of bandits “If you can manage that, then we’ll talk about bigger assignments.” On the way out Ared stopped by the dungeons and released Kivish, And they set out, traveling to the location the bandits were last sighted, when they got nearby Ared took the lead and got out of sight of the group. When they found him again a man was lying at his feet, dead from his neck being snapped. They fell upon the rest of the bandits and soon the fighting turned to absolute chaos, Ibel and Kivish fighting back to back with Ared as all around the soldiers sent by the king perished, by the end of it the bandits were slain, but the only survivors were Ared, Ibel, Kivish and a swordsman named Rosmic. They piled and burned the bandits’ corpses, and buried their own in cairns. Then they loaded up the donkey with plunder and set off for the castle. On the way back they Heard a cry of “For Dronkas the terrible!” and arrows whistled through the trees as kobold warriors began bursting out of the foliage all around, Each member of the band was fighting ferociously the bodies of kobolds were everywhere. Soon the kobolds broke and fled, vanishing as quickly as they had appeared. Soon the band returned, and Ared met with the king, “You lost most of the men I sent with you, but you seem to have at least preserved the monsters you choose to travel with.” He points to a location on a map. “To the north there is a cave, there dwells warosp, the great winged terror. He has attacked us for years. But this has stepped up with the ongoing war with the kobolds. A war might I remind you that you started by slaying that troll. But what’s done is done, can’t turn back the past now and besides we’re winning. If you can strike at their monsters I’m sure we could end their threat permanently.”
It just feels wrong, wooden and bad to me. I'm just trying to write this story, I have the general idea the skeleton, but... Well... I'm terrible at coming up with the little stuff, the meat of the story.
Could someone please help. Point out the names of things I mess up, say I did something right, curse me for writing such horrible drivel, etc...
Emphasis on trying.
Below spoilered so that those of you who lack the ability to read poor writing can be spared the horror.
The story-tellers boy had come far to get where he was now. Deep in goblin country, practically a stones throw away from the capital sprikang. But it would be worth it, if his father was right it would all be worth it. A few months ago his father had stumbled across a copy of the story of Ared, the hero of the age of crusades. It was in patches but it gave hints of a deeper story than the usual. In most accounts the story focused on Ared and his human companions, leaving out all but the barest mention of his… stranger comrades. And once the story-teller knew that there was more to be had he began doing research in the subject, until finally for the hefty sum of 30 gold coins a goblin told that one of Areds companions still lived in the mountains above the capital, now an ancient being, it never stirred from its lair and was brought offerings of food weekly. Now if only he could hang on for just a few more feet, the cave was in sight... After a few minutes of frantic climbing he was in the cave panting from exertion and soaking wet. That’s when he heard the voice “Come boy… Sit by the fire.” It was sibilant and menacing but at the same time tired and carried no hint of malice. He had made it to the lair of Ibel lizard monster, last surviving companion of Ared. Soon enough the boy requested to hear the full tale of Ared, including the story behind the hero’s friendship with Ibel and Kivish. Ibel sat down in a chair by the fire. And began his story “You see this happened long ago, pieces of the tale abound, even I don’t know for myself what happened in the beginning, but I don’t doubt Ared. If he says he fought a night spouse, a troll in your tongue, hand to hand before losing use of his arm I believe him. He certainly showed himself impressive, even with only one hand. There were sometimes when I wonder if he was a human like he seemed. But you came to hear a story and I wish to tell it.”
Ared was born in a small hamlet, the circumstances of his birth were mysterious as his father never stepped forth to show himself, soon Ared was working in the fields like any boy, but he was certainly stronger than most. So Later on when he was grown and the village faced ever increasing predations by a monster who lived to the north the obvious choice to face it was Ared, he got together a backpack and traveling clothes and left. He made it through the wilderness without incident, passing by a kobold tribe in the hills. He made it to the beasts cave, there were bodies strewn about, some in various stages of being… processed for food. Ared felt that shiver of fear but ignored it and walked in, pushing the crude wooden door aside. Here were the corpses of previous “heroes” who’d attempted to put an end to the beast, and here was the beast itself. For hours the two fought. Exchanging blow for blow, kick for kick, and scratch for scratch. Until finally the monster threw him into the wall, and sank its teeth into his arm, Ared screamed in pain and fear as he felt his hand weaken, the blood flowing freely from the wounds. Certain that his end was near Ared looked about for something that he could use to get the beast off of him, and there it was a corpse not an arms length from him, impaled on a spear and mounted on the wall of the cave. Ared reached out and grabbed the spear and stabbed the monster in the mouth, prying the creature off of himself and then he finished it with a quick thrust to the throat, he dropped the spear and walked away, cradling his shattered arm on his other arm he made his way back home as the sun went down. Behind him a kobold acolyte went to visit the creature and beg its blessing upon the tribe. He opened the door and went in, finding the troll dead, its blood spreading across the floor of the cave.
He arrived back at town and immediately set about looking for allies to help him fight, now that his arm was ruined. He met with little success; none of the villagers had the courage to join him. In fact the only creature who offered was Ibel, the prisoner kept there since the last war with the goblins. But the mayor was adamantly against this wanted the monster kept prisoner till it rotted away. Ared wouldn’t have it, “If the only brave creature among you is a monster, then I suppose I have to trust a monster don’t I?” Ibel was soon freed. And then the two traveled to the court of the king, where they discovered Kivish the bison demon, a deserter, who had fought in the last war as well imprisoned in the castle. Ared asked him “Why do they keep you here?” Kivish took a moment to focus before answering “Becaushe I Drinksh too Much...” Ared looked to Ibel who said “We should free him; he was a good fighter, before he drank.” Ared nodded and walked out, he had a meeting with the king. The king was seemed distant, as he should be as the king of a land beset by all manner of monsters and outlaws. He refused to share news of trouble with a “local hero, no match for the soldiers of the massing kobold armies…” He did however grant Ared three swordsman to aid in ridding the area of bandits “If you can manage that, then we’ll talk about bigger assignments.” On the way out Ared stopped by the dungeons and released Kivish, And they set out, traveling to the location the bandits were last sighted, when they got nearby Ared took the lead and got out of sight of the group. When they found him again a man was lying at his feet, dead from his neck being snapped. They fell upon the rest of the bandits and soon the fighting turned to absolute chaos, Ibel and Kivish fighting back to back with Ared as all around the soldiers sent by the king perished, by the end of it the bandits were slain, but the only survivors were Ared, Ibel, Kivish and a swordsman named Rosmic. They piled and burned the bandits’ corpses, and buried their own in cairns. Then they loaded up the donkey with plunder and set off for the castle. On the way back they Heard a cry of “For Dronkas the terrible!” and arrows whistled through the trees as kobold warriors began bursting out of the foliage all around, Each member of the band was fighting ferociously the bodies of kobolds were everywhere. Soon the kobolds broke and fled, vanishing as quickly as they had appeared. Soon the band returned, and Ared met with the king, “You lost most of the men I sent with you, but you seem to have at least preserved the monsters you choose to travel with.” He points to a location on a map. “To the north there is a cave, there dwells warosp, the great winged terror. He has attacked us for years. But this has stepped up with the ongoing war with the kobolds. A war might I remind you that you started by slaying that troll. But what’s done is done, can’t turn back the past now and besides we’re winning. If you can strike at their monsters I’m sure we could end their threat permanently.”
It just feels wrong, wooden and bad to me. I'm just trying to write this story, I have the general idea the skeleton, but... Well... I'm terrible at coming up with the little stuff, the meat of the story.
Could someone please help. Point out the names of things I mess up, say I did something right, curse me for writing such horrible drivel, etc...