Slii Arhem
08-18-2012, 07:11 PM
So friendly friends and neighbors, a while back (or last night as the case may be) a few playgrounders and I were chatting and the topic turned to Lord of the Rings.
It only got worse from there.
So I present for your inspection, critique, and utter mortification the complete ruination of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, facilitated by water parks.
(Note, this is a parsed-down version of a chat-log, made forum-friendly and with all the non-subject related matter removed. It starts in the middle of another conversation, and is long enough that I'll need two posts to cover it, so bear with me while I get this ball rolling.)
PART 1
Or: "But what if Sauron wasn't such a bad guy after all?"
[03:30] Lord Herman: Yeah, Aragorn bought one of those, and it broke the first time he used it.
[03:30] Lord Herman: Later he made up some story about Sauron breaking it
[03:30] Ghar: XD
[03:30] Loony: Aragorn's kind of a jerk. =I
[03:31] Lord Herman: Come to think of it, we never really hear Sauron's side of the story, do we?
[03:32] Lord Herman: Maybe he's not evil at all, but everyone's just blaming their own mistakes on him
[03:32] Destro: well, he's just a big eye, isn't he?
[03:32] Destro: hard to talk back with no mouth.
[03:32] Lord Herman: Indeed
[03:32] Ghar: *orcs try and wreck up the place* "Uh... that big evil lookign eye told us to!"
[03:32] Slii Arhem: "Blink once for yes, and twice for being the evil guy in our next few hundred years of war."
[03:33] Slii Arhem: "Hey guys! Sauron volunteered to do it!"
[03:33] Destro: seriously, Sauron had like, no lines in the books
[03:33] Slii Arhem: "Three cheers for Sauron, and then we all try to murder Sauron!"
[03:33] Destro: we just have Gandalf's assurance that he's evil
[03:33] Slii Arhem: I don't know about that
[03:33] Destro: and all those orcs
[03:33] Slii Arhem: there was the forging of the rings
[03:33] Slii Arhem: that kind of corrupted people
[03:33] Slii Arhem: a lot
[03:33] Destro: there was that
[03:33] Lord Herman: And Saruman makes up all sorts of things about Sauron
[03:34] Loony: Maybe he didn't mean to.
[03:34] Destro: but nobody can prove that was him
[03:34] Destro: or maybe it was an accident
[03:34] Slii Arhem: the rings laid dormant until his master control ring activated them and put them under his sway
[03:34] Destro: actually, I don't think he even made those ones
[03:34] Terumitsu: ...Silmarilion covers a lot of ground on thsi very topic
[03:34] Lord Herman: Maybe the rings weren't corrupted at all, but the wearers just did some crappy stuff that they then blamed on these "cursed" rings
[03:34] Destro: don't bring your logic into this, Teru
[03:34] Slii Arhem: they got turned into immortal demon lords bound to his will
[03:34] Destro: I've read Silmarillion
[03:34] Slii Arhem: that doesn't exactly happen by accident
[03:35] Destro: it's a million pages long and has twelve thousand characters
[03:35] Lord Herman: How do we know it's /his/ will, though?
[03:35] Derjuin: isnt sauron just the errand boy of some greater evil god guy
[03:35] Slii Arhem: he sends them out to find his missing jewellery
[03:35] Derjuin: M-something
[03:35] Lord Herman: Maybe they're just evil bastards themselves, and they're using the rings as an excuse?
[03:35] Destro: you have any idea how many times I had to check the appendix to see who the hell was doing things right now?
[03:35] Lord Herman: Morgoth
[03:35] Ghar: maybe they just say it's his will
[03:35] Ghar: and they want the ring themself
[03:35] Derjuin: Morgoth is it
[03:35] Slii Arhem: I'll give you that, yes
[03:36] Destro: but yeah, I don't think Sauron made those rings
[03:36] Destro: he just made the one
[03:36] Derjuin: so silmarillion is like homestuck?
[03:36] Ghar: *decides that Sauron being the victim is now canon*
[03:36] Lord Herman: No, he made them all and gave them as gifts to everyone
[03:36] Lord Herman: Which was awfully nice of him
[03:36] Destro: the elves made some
[03:36] Slii Arhem: For a non-evil guy though, dude sure did surround himself with a load of spikes and fire and black rock and sooty skies and bleching clouds of acrid dust and lava and giant spiders and legions of doom
[03:37] Slii Arhem: just saying
[03:37] Lord Herman: They did make some other stuff themselves, but those rings were all gifts from Sauron
[03:37] Derjuin: and mind control
[03:37] Ghar: that's just stereotyping, slii
[03:37] Slii Arhem: hey, I'm not implying anything
[03:37] Ghar: you sure are
[03:37] Destro: I sort of want to look this up now
[03:37] Slii Arhem: just saying, he had an odd taste in decor
[03:37] Derjuin: he could very well be lawful good
[03:37] Ghar: feel bad, slii. Feel bad
[03:37] Derjuin: and just be emo
[03:37] Destro: I'm pretty sure Sauron only made the One Ring himself
[03:37] Slii Arhem: I'm not going to feel bad for pointing out the obvious
[03:38] Destro: I forget who gave the rings to men
[03:38] Destro: what the hell did all the other rings even DO?
[03:38] Ghar: You claim to not be implying anything, but I see right through you!
[03:38] Ghar: Stop picking on sauron!
[03:38] Slii Arhem: his home decorating scheme was off if he was a good guy. you can't deny that
[03:38] Ghar: good guys can like black, spikes, and lava too
[03:38] Derjuin: hey, slii
[03:39] Derjuin: just because his feng shui skill is higher than everyone else's is no reason to pick on him
[03:39] Slii Arhem: yes Derj?
[03:39] Derjuin: i mean
[03:39] Derjuin: could you FEEL the vibes going through his place?
[03:39] Derjuin: it was like
[03:39] Derjuin: perfectly tuned
[03:39] Destro: Gandalf's ring did fire stuff, and Elrond's ring did water stuff, and Galadriel's ring let her go all freaky-diki and see the future and whatnot. Stars or something.
[03:39] Slii Arhem: an omnipresent aura of oppression that drove you to your knees with every step?
[03:39] Slii Arhem: yeah, perfectly tuned that
[03:39] Derjuin: i thought gandalf was like an angel or something
[03:40] Slii Arhem: an angel wizard
[03:40] Derjuin: no that's slenderman slii
[03:40] Lord Herman: Some sort of demigod, at any rate
[03:40] Destro: but nobody ever mentions what the ringwraith's rings did. Aside from turning them into wraiths over time.
[03:40] Destro: and forget the Dwarf rings
[03:40] Derjuin: who are even the dwarfs??
[03:40] Derjuin: YOU HAVE MY MAXE
[03:40] Destro: the dwarf rings get mentioned like, twice
[03:40] Lord Herman: I think those rings tried to turn them into greedy, self-centred bastards
[03:40] Derjuin: dwarves have fingers?
[03:40] Lord Herman: But no one noticed any difference
[03:40] Slii Arhem: AND MY FLWORD
[03:41] Destro: Maybe the Dwarf Rings made their beards grow longer
[03:41] Slii Arhem: maybe they used the rings as beard accessories
[03:41] Slii Arhem: and never found out what they did
[03:42] Destro: I bet they used the rings as beard accessories
[03:42] Destro: and it made their beards grow longer
[03:42] Destro: and then they lost the rings in the tangle of longer beards
[03:42] Lord Herman: If they'd actually worn them, they'd have grown taller themselves?
[03:42] Destro: and that's why they don't have them anymore
[03:42] Destro: they never actually lost them
[03:42] Destro: they just can't find them amidst all the beards
[03:43] Slii Arhem: when one dwarf king dies, it takes three generations to cut back his beard enough to find the ring to pass it on to his surviving kin
[03:43] Lord Herman: Oh, I remember how the ring-making thing went
[03:43] Destro: and cutting back a dwarf's beard is undwarfy, or something
[03:43] Lord Herman: Sauron had some elven smiths over who helped him make the rings
[03:44] Destro: so they have to go digging for it
[03:44] Lord Herman: Then he handed them out to everyone
[03:44] Slii Arhem: so Sauron commissioned the rings
[03:44] Destro: see, I thought it was the other way around. Sauron played nice for a bit and got to help the Elven Smiths
[03:44] Lord Herman: And he made the one ring when the elves weren't looking
[03:44] Destro: and then he made the One Ring and they got all pissy at him and tossed him out
[03:44] Lord Herman: They were all made sort of at the same time, though
[03:45] Lord Herman: So everyone accepted their gifts, and only later found out Sauron had made another one
[03:45] Lord Herman: Then they got kind of upset
[03:45] Destro: I wonder if he always wore that spiky helmet
[03:45] Happy: http://xkcd.com/712/
[03:45] Happy: obligatory xkcd
[03:45] Lord Herman: That was just the fashion of the time
[03:45] Lord Herman: Everyone wore those
[03:46] Happy: hell on pillowcases though
[03:46] Lord Herman: But maybe he stood too close to the fires of Mount Doom, and his armour melted together so he couldn't take it off anymore
[03:46] Destro: who the hell named that mountain anyways
[03:46] Slii Arhem: that's what the first war was about
[03:46] Destro: I mean, Mount Doom
[03:46] Lord Herman: So he was stuck wearing late 2nd era fashion... FOREVER!
[03:47] Slii Arhem: And for that, the armies of man and elf united against him
[03:47] Destro: Mordor was fairly nice before Sauron hired that shady interior decorator on Morgoth's recommendation
[03:47] Destro: so why Mount Doom?
[03:47] Lord Herman: I guess it's also Morgoth's influence
[03:47] Lord Herman: I mean, the name says it all
[03:48] Slii Arhem: maybe it's a phonetic mispelling?
[03:48] Destro: put that on a travel brochure, nobody would go there
[03:48] Slii Arhem: Mount Duum
[03:48] Slii Arhem: or Dume
[03:48] Happy: "Really, all these crops? They have /got/ to go. Slag and poison water is what you want."
[03:48] Loony: Maybe the guy who named Mount Doom is also the guy who named all the places in the Gauntlet game.
[03:48] Loony: And after he left they were stuck with it.
[03:48] Destro: "hey, where are we going on vacation?"
'Well, kids, I thought we'd go to Mount fudging Doom'
[03:49] Slii Arhem: Let's just rename it Mount Squishypuppy
[03:49] Slii Arhem: that'll brighten it up
[03:49] Happy: "Does it have a waterslide?"
[03:49] Lord Herman: Sauron wanted to call it that
[03:49] Destro: 'It's got a rockin' waterslide.'
[03:49] Lord Herman: But Morgoth went around telling everyone it was called Mount Doom
[03:49] Happy: He squished /so/ many puppies there
[03:49] Slii Arhem: *warning, waterslide may actually be a hundred yard drop into lava
[03:50] Lord Herman: Morgoth was probably completely harmless too
[03:50] Happy: *warning, puppy corpses may carry magic plague*
[03:50] Destro: that would be hilarious, actually. If, on the other side of Mount Doom, there was a kickass waterpark
[03:50] Lord Herman: He just tried to seem like this dramatic doomy villain
[03:50] Lord Herman: But no one took him seriously
[03:50] Destro: and Frodo just picked the side with the lava and pain and death and whatnot
[03:51] Loony: To be fair, Dest, Frodo had an /awful/ tour guide.
[03:51] Slii Arhem: THIS IS WHY GONDOR FIGHTS! BEYOND THOSE BLACKENED HILLS LIES THE MOST AMAZING WATER RIDING EXTRAVAGANZA MANKIND HAS EVER SEEN! sERIOUSLY GUYS, I'VE NEVER BEEN, BUT I KNOW A GUY, AND HE SAID IT'S LIKE... WOAH!
[03:52] Lord Herman: Is that why they didn't go through the black gates?
[03:52] Lord Herman: They didn't want to pay for the ticket?
[03:52] Destro: and then Frodo destroyed the ring, Sauron's tower blew up, and it took the waterpark with it.
[03:52] Destro: Aragorn was pissed
[03:52] Ghar: XD
[03:52] Slii Arhem: instead they sent one little guy through the service entrance to try and sneak them in
[03:53] Lord Herman: Or maybe you have to be this tall to ride
[03:53] Slii Arhem: and then what Des said happened
[03:53] Lord Herman: Which was a problem for the hobbitses
[03:53] Happy: so he sent Faramir to Osgiliath to try to build the waterpark there.
[03:53] Destro: everyone said it wasn't as good
[03:53] Happy: Also because he needed to get his mistress out of town once Arwen showed up
[03:54] Lord Herman: Faramir was Aragorn's mistress? o.o
[03:54] Slii Arhem: One of them
[03:54] Loony: Aragorn was a playa.
[03:54] Slii Arhem: lots of duties come with the stewardship of Gondor
[03:55] Slii Arhem: why do you think the former steward burned himself alive instead of submitting to Aragorn?
[03:55] Slii Arhem: the constant 24 hour footrubs would be agonizing on his old hands
[03:56] Destro: that was cause Sauron's magic ball thing told him Aragorn had really gnarly feet from all that striding about
[03:56] Lord Herman: Did Denethor actually burn himself, or was it an 'unfortunate accident' arranged by Faramir?
[03:56] Slii Arhem: Faramir was unconscious
[03:56] Lord Herman: Or so he says
[03:56] Slii Arhem: and would have been burned alive with Denethor if Gandalf hadn't done something
[03:57] Happy: "Hehe... Imma totally fake my own near death just to get dad to immolate us both. This is the /best/ plan!"
[03:57] Destro: Sauron's magic ball thing told Denethor a lot of stuff
[03:57] Lord Herman: Things like "Ask again later"
[03:57] Destro: it probably told him that since hot air rises, if he set himself on fire he'd be able to fly
[03:58] Destro: or maybe it just let him download back issues of the Fantastic Four on Sauron's broadband
[03:58] Destro: that's totally why he jumped off the cliff in the movie
[03:58] Lord Herman: Was it actually Sauron who talked to them through the Palantirs, though?
[03:58] Lord Herman: Maybe it was just an ork wearing a Sauron mask
[03:58] Slii Arhem: orks pull the best pranks
[03:58] Destro: I don't think Palantirs get video chat
[03:59] Ghar: I bet they have tonnes of those helmets in clearance racks everywhere
[03:59] Destro: pretty sure it's voice only
[03:59] Slii Arhem: oooh
[03:59] Destro: unless you upgrade to premium
[03:59] Slii Arhem: it was totally the Mouth of Sauron
[03:59] Slii Arhem: he was behind the whole thing!
[03:59] Destro: Denethor was cheap, he would never go for that
[03:59] Destro: Saruman sprung for it, though
[04:00] Lord Herman: Well yeah, Saruman could afford it, of course
[04:00] Destro: that's why Merry was able to call Sauron on it. Only that was like, the middle of the night in Mordor, because of timezones
[04:00] Lord Herman: He used to be a world-class assassin, after all
[04:00] Destro: or was it Pippin?
[04:00] Destro: Pippin
[04:00] Destro: anyways
[04:00] Lord Herman: Although I do seem to remember James Bond killing him at some point
[04:00] Destro: so Pippin calls Sauron in the middle of the night
[04:01] Ghar: XD
[04:01] Destro: and Sauron, naturally, is sort of angry about what amounts to a prank call from an idiot hobbit without any legitimate reason for wanting to talk to him
[04:01] Destro: which woke him up
[04:02] Lord Herman: "Hello, Sauron speaking." "Can I speak to I. C. Wiener?"
[04:02] Slii Arhem: you do not want to talk to him in the morning before he's got his five thousand gallons of visene in
[04:02] Destro: and then Gandalf had to shut the call down because the Palantir's network didn't offer unlimited data, and Pippin was wasting their quota on video calls
[04:04] Destro: cause it turns out Saruman was charging the bill to Gandalf's account
[04:04] Destro: Saruman is a bit of a **** like that
[04:04] Lord Herman: Indeed
[04:04] Slii Arhem: in his defense, he thought Gandalf was dead
[04:05] Destro: well, he did try to kill him
[04:05] Destro: like, three times
[04:05] Slii Arhem: wasn't very thorough about it
[04:05] Lord Herman: Maybe someone had hired him? He used to be an assassin, after all.
[04:05] Destro: maybe it was Morgoth
[04:05] Lord Herman: Only he'd lost his golden gun, so he had to use magic.
[04:06] Slii Arhem: but once a guy is assumed dead, you start putting expensive loans in their names until the authorities catch on
[04:06] Destro: I am never going to be able to take LOTR seriously ever again...
[04:06] Slii Arhem: that's just common sense
[04:07] Lord Herman: I do wonder why Gandalf never seemed to use his powers of magnetism
[04:07] Destro: or setting pinecones on fire
[04:07] Happy: because all the swords would come flying at him
[04:07] Destro: he should have kept a whole load of pinecones on hand at all times
[04:07] Happy: ALL the swords
[04:07] Happy: stabbity stabbity stabbity
[04:07] Destro: that would be great
[04:08] Destro: Gandalf on the walls of Minas Tirith, tossing flaming pinecones at the orcs
It only got worse from there.
So I present for your inspection, critique, and utter mortification the complete ruination of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, facilitated by water parks.
(Note, this is a parsed-down version of a chat-log, made forum-friendly and with all the non-subject related matter removed. It starts in the middle of another conversation, and is long enough that I'll need two posts to cover it, so bear with me while I get this ball rolling.)
PART 1
Or: "But what if Sauron wasn't such a bad guy after all?"
[03:30] Lord Herman: Yeah, Aragorn bought one of those, and it broke the first time he used it.
[03:30] Lord Herman: Later he made up some story about Sauron breaking it
[03:30] Ghar: XD
[03:30] Loony: Aragorn's kind of a jerk. =I
[03:31] Lord Herman: Come to think of it, we never really hear Sauron's side of the story, do we?
[03:32] Lord Herman: Maybe he's not evil at all, but everyone's just blaming their own mistakes on him
[03:32] Destro: well, he's just a big eye, isn't he?
[03:32] Destro: hard to talk back with no mouth.
[03:32] Lord Herman: Indeed
[03:32] Ghar: *orcs try and wreck up the place* "Uh... that big evil lookign eye told us to!"
[03:32] Slii Arhem: "Blink once for yes, and twice for being the evil guy in our next few hundred years of war."
[03:33] Slii Arhem: "Hey guys! Sauron volunteered to do it!"
[03:33] Destro: seriously, Sauron had like, no lines in the books
[03:33] Slii Arhem: "Three cheers for Sauron, and then we all try to murder Sauron!"
[03:33] Destro: we just have Gandalf's assurance that he's evil
[03:33] Slii Arhem: I don't know about that
[03:33] Destro: and all those orcs
[03:33] Slii Arhem: there was the forging of the rings
[03:33] Slii Arhem: that kind of corrupted people
[03:33] Slii Arhem: a lot
[03:33] Destro: there was that
[03:33] Lord Herman: And Saruman makes up all sorts of things about Sauron
[03:34] Loony: Maybe he didn't mean to.
[03:34] Destro: but nobody can prove that was him
[03:34] Destro: or maybe it was an accident
[03:34] Slii Arhem: the rings laid dormant until his master control ring activated them and put them under his sway
[03:34] Destro: actually, I don't think he even made those ones
[03:34] Terumitsu: ...Silmarilion covers a lot of ground on thsi very topic
[03:34] Lord Herman: Maybe the rings weren't corrupted at all, but the wearers just did some crappy stuff that they then blamed on these "cursed" rings
[03:34] Destro: don't bring your logic into this, Teru
[03:34] Slii Arhem: they got turned into immortal demon lords bound to his will
[03:34] Destro: I've read Silmarillion
[03:34] Slii Arhem: that doesn't exactly happen by accident
[03:35] Destro: it's a million pages long and has twelve thousand characters
[03:35] Lord Herman: How do we know it's /his/ will, though?
[03:35] Derjuin: isnt sauron just the errand boy of some greater evil god guy
[03:35] Slii Arhem: he sends them out to find his missing jewellery
[03:35] Derjuin: M-something
[03:35] Lord Herman: Maybe they're just evil bastards themselves, and they're using the rings as an excuse?
[03:35] Destro: you have any idea how many times I had to check the appendix to see who the hell was doing things right now?
[03:35] Lord Herman: Morgoth
[03:35] Ghar: maybe they just say it's his will
[03:35] Ghar: and they want the ring themself
[03:35] Derjuin: Morgoth is it
[03:35] Slii Arhem: I'll give you that, yes
[03:36] Destro: but yeah, I don't think Sauron made those rings
[03:36] Destro: he just made the one
[03:36] Derjuin: so silmarillion is like homestuck?
[03:36] Ghar: *decides that Sauron being the victim is now canon*
[03:36] Lord Herman: No, he made them all and gave them as gifts to everyone
[03:36] Lord Herman: Which was awfully nice of him
[03:36] Destro: the elves made some
[03:36] Slii Arhem: For a non-evil guy though, dude sure did surround himself with a load of spikes and fire and black rock and sooty skies and bleching clouds of acrid dust and lava and giant spiders and legions of doom
[03:37] Slii Arhem: just saying
[03:37] Lord Herman: They did make some other stuff themselves, but those rings were all gifts from Sauron
[03:37] Derjuin: and mind control
[03:37] Ghar: that's just stereotyping, slii
[03:37] Slii Arhem: hey, I'm not implying anything
[03:37] Ghar: you sure are
[03:37] Destro: I sort of want to look this up now
[03:37] Slii Arhem: just saying, he had an odd taste in decor
[03:37] Derjuin: he could very well be lawful good
[03:37] Ghar: feel bad, slii. Feel bad
[03:37] Derjuin: and just be emo
[03:37] Destro: I'm pretty sure Sauron only made the One Ring himself
[03:37] Slii Arhem: I'm not going to feel bad for pointing out the obvious
[03:38] Destro: I forget who gave the rings to men
[03:38] Destro: what the hell did all the other rings even DO?
[03:38] Ghar: You claim to not be implying anything, but I see right through you!
[03:38] Ghar: Stop picking on sauron!
[03:38] Slii Arhem: his home decorating scheme was off if he was a good guy. you can't deny that
[03:38] Ghar: good guys can like black, spikes, and lava too
[03:38] Derjuin: hey, slii
[03:39] Derjuin: just because his feng shui skill is higher than everyone else's is no reason to pick on him
[03:39] Slii Arhem: yes Derj?
[03:39] Derjuin: i mean
[03:39] Derjuin: could you FEEL the vibes going through his place?
[03:39] Derjuin: it was like
[03:39] Derjuin: perfectly tuned
[03:39] Destro: Gandalf's ring did fire stuff, and Elrond's ring did water stuff, and Galadriel's ring let her go all freaky-diki and see the future and whatnot. Stars or something.
[03:39] Slii Arhem: an omnipresent aura of oppression that drove you to your knees with every step?
[03:39] Slii Arhem: yeah, perfectly tuned that
[03:39] Derjuin: i thought gandalf was like an angel or something
[03:40] Slii Arhem: an angel wizard
[03:40] Derjuin: no that's slenderman slii
[03:40] Lord Herman: Some sort of demigod, at any rate
[03:40] Destro: but nobody ever mentions what the ringwraith's rings did. Aside from turning them into wraiths over time.
[03:40] Destro: and forget the Dwarf rings
[03:40] Derjuin: who are even the dwarfs??
[03:40] Derjuin: YOU HAVE MY MAXE
[03:40] Destro: the dwarf rings get mentioned like, twice
[03:40] Lord Herman: I think those rings tried to turn them into greedy, self-centred bastards
[03:40] Derjuin: dwarves have fingers?
[03:40] Lord Herman: But no one noticed any difference
[03:40] Slii Arhem: AND MY FLWORD
[03:41] Destro: Maybe the Dwarf Rings made their beards grow longer
[03:41] Slii Arhem: maybe they used the rings as beard accessories
[03:41] Slii Arhem: and never found out what they did
[03:42] Destro: I bet they used the rings as beard accessories
[03:42] Destro: and it made their beards grow longer
[03:42] Destro: and then they lost the rings in the tangle of longer beards
[03:42] Lord Herman: If they'd actually worn them, they'd have grown taller themselves?
[03:42] Destro: and that's why they don't have them anymore
[03:42] Destro: they never actually lost them
[03:42] Destro: they just can't find them amidst all the beards
[03:43] Slii Arhem: when one dwarf king dies, it takes three generations to cut back his beard enough to find the ring to pass it on to his surviving kin
[03:43] Lord Herman: Oh, I remember how the ring-making thing went
[03:43] Destro: and cutting back a dwarf's beard is undwarfy, or something
[03:43] Lord Herman: Sauron had some elven smiths over who helped him make the rings
[03:44] Destro: so they have to go digging for it
[03:44] Lord Herman: Then he handed them out to everyone
[03:44] Slii Arhem: so Sauron commissioned the rings
[03:44] Destro: see, I thought it was the other way around. Sauron played nice for a bit and got to help the Elven Smiths
[03:44] Lord Herman: And he made the one ring when the elves weren't looking
[03:44] Destro: and then he made the One Ring and they got all pissy at him and tossed him out
[03:44] Lord Herman: They were all made sort of at the same time, though
[03:45] Lord Herman: So everyone accepted their gifts, and only later found out Sauron had made another one
[03:45] Lord Herman: Then they got kind of upset
[03:45] Destro: I wonder if he always wore that spiky helmet
[03:45] Happy: http://xkcd.com/712/
[03:45] Happy: obligatory xkcd
[03:45] Lord Herman: That was just the fashion of the time
[03:45] Lord Herman: Everyone wore those
[03:46] Happy: hell on pillowcases though
[03:46] Lord Herman: But maybe he stood too close to the fires of Mount Doom, and his armour melted together so he couldn't take it off anymore
[03:46] Destro: who the hell named that mountain anyways
[03:46] Slii Arhem: that's what the first war was about
[03:46] Destro: I mean, Mount Doom
[03:46] Lord Herman: So he was stuck wearing late 2nd era fashion... FOREVER!
[03:47] Slii Arhem: And for that, the armies of man and elf united against him
[03:47] Destro: Mordor was fairly nice before Sauron hired that shady interior decorator on Morgoth's recommendation
[03:47] Destro: so why Mount Doom?
[03:47] Lord Herman: I guess it's also Morgoth's influence
[03:47] Lord Herman: I mean, the name says it all
[03:48] Slii Arhem: maybe it's a phonetic mispelling?
[03:48] Destro: put that on a travel brochure, nobody would go there
[03:48] Slii Arhem: Mount Duum
[03:48] Slii Arhem: or Dume
[03:48] Happy: "Really, all these crops? They have /got/ to go. Slag and poison water is what you want."
[03:48] Loony: Maybe the guy who named Mount Doom is also the guy who named all the places in the Gauntlet game.
[03:48] Loony: And after he left they were stuck with it.
[03:48] Destro: "hey, where are we going on vacation?"
'Well, kids, I thought we'd go to Mount fudging Doom'
[03:49] Slii Arhem: Let's just rename it Mount Squishypuppy
[03:49] Slii Arhem: that'll brighten it up
[03:49] Happy: "Does it have a waterslide?"
[03:49] Lord Herman: Sauron wanted to call it that
[03:49] Destro: 'It's got a rockin' waterslide.'
[03:49] Lord Herman: But Morgoth went around telling everyone it was called Mount Doom
[03:49] Happy: He squished /so/ many puppies there
[03:49] Slii Arhem: *warning, waterslide may actually be a hundred yard drop into lava
[03:50] Lord Herman: Morgoth was probably completely harmless too
[03:50] Happy: *warning, puppy corpses may carry magic plague*
[03:50] Destro: that would be hilarious, actually. If, on the other side of Mount Doom, there was a kickass waterpark
[03:50] Lord Herman: He just tried to seem like this dramatic doomy villain
[03:50] Lord Herman: But no one took him seriously
[03:50] Destro: and Frodo just picked the side with the lava and pain and death and whatnot
[03:51] Loony: To be fair, Dest, Frodo had an /awful/ tour guide.
[03:51] Slii Arhem: THIS IS WHY GONDOR FIGHTS! BEYOND THOSE BLACKENED HILLS LIES THE MOST AMAZING WATER RIDING EXTRAVAGANZA MANKIND HAS EVER SEEN! sERIOUSLY GUYS, I'VE NEVER BEEN, BUT I KNOW A GUY, AND HE SAID IT'S LIKE... WOAH!
[03:52] Lord Herman: Is that why they didn't go through the black gates?
[03:52] Lord Herman: They didn't want to pay for the ticket?
[03:52] Destro: and then Frodo destroyed the ring, Sauron's tower blew up, and it took the waterpark with it.
[03:52] Destro: Aragorn was pissed
[03:52] Ghar: XD
[03:52] Slii Arhem: instead they sent one little guy through the service entrance to try and sneak them in
[03:53] Lord Herman: Or maybe you have to be this tall to ride
[03:53] Slii Arhem: and then what Des said happened
[03:53] Lord Herman: Which was a problem for the hobbitses
[03:53] Happy: so he sent Faramir to Osgiliath to try to build the waterpark there.
[03:53] Destro: everyone said it wasn't as good
[03:53] Happy: Also because he needed to get his mistress out of town once Arwen showed up
[03:54] Lord Herman: Faramir was Aragorn's mistress? o.o
[03:54] Slii Arhem: One of them
[03:54] Loony: Aragorn was a playa.
[03:54] Slii Arhem: lots of duties come with the stewardship of Gondor
[03:55] Slii Arhem: why do you think the former steward burned himself alive instead of submitting to Aragorn?
[03:55] Slii Arhem: the constant 24 hour footrubs would be agonizing on his old hands
[03:56] Destro: that was cause Sauron's magic ball thing told him Aragorn had really gnarly feet from all that striding about
[03:56] Lord Herman: Did Denethor actually burn himself, or was it an 'unfortunate accident' arranged by Faramir?
[03:56] Slii Arhem: Faramir was unconscious
[03:56] Lord Herman: Or so he says
[03:56] Slii Arhem: and would have been burned alive with Denethor if Gandalf hadn't done something
[03:57] Happy: "Hehe... Imma totally fake my own near death just to get dad to immolate us both. This is the /best/ plan!"
[03:57] Destro: Sauron's magic ball thing told Denethor a lot of stuff
[03:57] Lord Herman: Things like "Ask again later"
[03:57] Destro: it probably told him that since hot air rises, if he set himself on fire he'd be able to fly
[03:58] Destro: or maybe it just let him download back issues of the Fantastic Four on Sauron's broadband
[03:58] Destro: that's totally why he jumped off the cliff in the movie
[03:58] Lord Herman: Was it actually Sauron who talked to them through the Palantirs, though?
[03:58] Lord Herman: Maybe it was just an ork wearing a Sauron mask
[03:58] Slii Arhem: orks pull the best pranks
[03:58] Destro: I don't think Palantirs get video chat
[03:59] Ghar: I bet they have tonnes of those helmets in clearance racks everywhere
[03:59] Destro: pretty sure it's voice only
[03:59] Slii Arhem: oooh
[03:59] Destro: unless you upgrade to premium
[03:59] Slii Arhem: it was totally the Mouth of Sauron
[03:59] Slii Arhem: he was behind the whole thing!
[03:59] Destro: Denethor was cheap, he would never go for that
[03:59] Destro: Saruman sprung for it, though
[04:00] Lord Herman: Well yeah, Saruman could afford it, of course
[04:00] Destro: that's why Merry was able to call Sauron on it. Only that was like, the middle of the night in Mordor, because of timezones
[04:00] Lord Herman: He used to be a world-class assassin, after all
[04:00] Destro: or was it Pippin?
[04:00] Destro: Pippin
[04:00] Destro: anyways
[04:00] Lord Herman: Although I do seem to remember James Bond killing him at some point
[04:00] Destro: so Pippin calls Sauron in the middle of the night
[04:01] Ghar: XD
[04:01] Destro: and Sauron, naturally, is sort of angry about what amounts to a prank call from an idiot hobbit without any legitimate reason for wanting to talk to him
[04:01] Destro: which woke him up
[04:02] Lord Herman: "Hello, Sauron speaking." "Can I speak to I. C. Wiener?"
[04:02] Slii Arhem: you do not want to talk to him in the morning before he's got his five thousand gallons of visene in
[04:02] Destro: and then Gandalf had to shut the call down because the Palantir's network didn't offer unlimited data, and Pippin was wasting their quota on video calls
[04:04] Destro: cause it turns out Saruman was charging the bill to Gandalf's account
[04:04] Destro: Saruman is a bit of a **** like that
[04:04] Lord Herman: Indeed
[04:04] Slii Arhem: in his defense, he thought Gandalf was dead
[04:05] Destro: well, he did try to kill him
[04:05] Destro: like, three times
[04:05] Slii Arhem: wasn't very thorough about it
[04:05] Lord Herman: Maybe someone had hired him? He used to be an assassin, after all.
[04:05] Destro: maybe it was Morgoth
[04:05] Lord Herman: Only he'd lost his golden gun, so he had to use magic.
[04:06] Slii Arhem: but once a guy is assumed dead, you start putting expensive loans in their names until the authorities catch on
[04:06] Destro: I am never going to be able to take LOTR seriously ever again...
[04:06] Slii Arhem: that's just common sense
[04:07] Lord Herman: I do wonder why Gandalf never seemed to use his powers of magnetism
[04:07] Destro: or setting pinecones on fire
[04:07] Happy: because all the swords would come flying at him
[04:07] Destro: he should have kept a whole load of pinecones on hand at all times
[04:07] Happy: ALL the swords
[04:07] Happy: stabbity stabbity stabbity
[04:07] Destro: that would be great
[04:08] Destro: Gandalf on the walls of Minas Tirith, tossing flaming pinecones at the orcs