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Imagine a world where humans never evolved…
Imagine a world where ponies became the dominant species…
Now imagine the ponies evolved to reach outer space…
Where a single pony commander will lead her team of ponies to save the universe from destruction.
This is that story.
This is Mass Effect: Pony Edition.
The space port is one of the busiest place on Stalliongrad. But the lone lavender unicorn-pony paid little attention to the hustle and bustle around as she slowly walked towards her destination. A diminutive baby dragon sat on her back, apparently enjoying the ride. The black and purple armor with the large letters, M7 embossed on her flank identified her as one of Equestria’s special forces elite.
Finally arriving at her destination, the pony stopped to stare at the ship she was assigned to. The ship, measuring 300m in length, in sleek white with alternating black strips, is one of the very first pony-designed and pony-built frigate. The ship name, ESV Normaredy SR-1 can be clearly seen on the hull of the ship.
“Wow, I never expected it to be so big,” the small dragon known as Spike to her partner said in awe.
“Yes, impressive.” the lavender pony answered curtly. Spike rolled his eyes. His master, Twilight Sparkles, special protégé of the princess herself and one of the only few unicorns in the Equestrian Navy holding the rank of M7, can be surprisingly moody at times.
Twilight herself was not having a good day. Bad enough her warnings about the coming of the Reapers were ignored by the princess herself. But to be sent to the Citadel on a routine shakedown cruise. Worst of all was the Princess’ final instruction.
“Go make some friends,”
The lavender pony nearly planted her hoof on her forehead just at the thought. There she was researching Some Very Important things, and she is sent on a joyride around the galaxy, making friends. An important pony like her is too busy to make friends…
“Come on Twi, are you still depressed about this trip? You seriously need to lighten up.” The diminutive purple dragon on her back broke her reverie.
“Yes, I am still angry about this, Spike. The Reapers are real and we should be doing all we can to stop them. Not… not babysitting a shakedown cruise and meeting the ambassador on the Citadel,” Twilight said, a tinge of anger creeping into her voice. She stepped forward into the airlock, initiaiting the ship’s decontamination sequence.
“Standby shore party, decontamination in progress,”
“But Twi, those are just an old mare’s tale… Besides, you really need to get out more. All those old legends and ancient dead civilizations are starting to get into your head,” Spike protested.
“Spi-“ her words were cut off by the hiss of the airlock.
“Decontamination complete. Logged: The commanding officer is ashore,” announced the ship’s VI.
“Let’s just get this over with so that I can concentrate on real work.” Spike just shrugged his shoulders, as Twilight began to trot towards airlock doors.
“Howdy. Ya’ must be the new capt’. Welcome to the ESV Normaredy.” An orange mare with a surprisingly old-fashioned cowboy hat greeted her as the airlock opened. Wearing only regulation Equstrian navy saddle, a cutie mark of three apples can be seen at her exposed flank.
“Name’s Applejack. Ah’m the XO of this tub. Pleased to meet ya,” the mare shook Twilight’s right forehoof vigorously. “Err, yes. Hi there, Applejack,” Twilight mumbled in response.
“Isn’t she a beaut? Ah mean, it’s the best of pony engineering yet. Still don’t right know how those crazy ponies in Stalliongrad manage to cobble together this in 13 months.” Applejack continued obliviously as she continued to shake Twilight’s hoof. Twilight could hear a snicker from Spike as she tried to disengage her right forehoof as delicately as possible.
“Yes, I can see that,” Twilight said politely, before adding, “Um, you can stop shaking my hoof now,” Startled by Twilight’s voice, Applejack seemed to finally notice her attempt to dislodge Twilight’s right foreleg.
“Uh what? Oh right, sorry ‘bout that. Musta’ got carried away. Ah always get so excited to be on a new ship. Come on, let me show ya around,” the ship’s XO said enthusiastically as she trotted off to the command deck.
The ship is even more impressive on the inside, Twilight thought as she trotted past the command deck to meet her assembled ship crew in the briefing room. A holographic star map sat in the centre of the CIC, with workstations arrayed around the room. Two pegasi guards saluted the group as they approached the briefing room.
“Here we are. The Normaredy’s crew. Crew, meet our new capt’,” announced Applejack proudly. The gaggle of ponies around the room ceased their excited conversation and turned as one to face the trio. Twilight immediately felt a thousand pair of pony eyes staring at her. She gaped at the crowd wordlessly for a moment before realizing she was supposed to address them.
“Uh, hi. My name is Commander Sparkles. I will be in charge of this expedition.” Twilight gave a weak smile.
“Great, another egghead,” a boyish voice rose from the background.
“Scout Leader Rainbow Dash, you take that back. This is ya capt’ ya talking about,” Applejack thundered. Twilight turned to face the source of the voice and found herself looking at a skyblue pegasus-pony, complete with rainbow mane, tail and even a rainbow with a thunderflash cutiemark half-hidden beneath her white saddle-armor. Her purple irises shone with defiance.
“Does it look like I care? I’m not taking orders from a nerd like her,” Rainbow Dash retorted. Twilight felt her temper rise at the insult, and glared at the rainbow coloured pegasus. Then she remembered her mission and firmly clamped down on the impulse to shout back at the recalcitrant pony.
“I am in command of this mission by the personal order of Princess Celestia. If you happen to disagree, I suggest you take it up with her,” replied Twilight evenly, looking directly into Dash’s eyes. Rainbow Dash glared at her for a moment before looking away.
“Hmph, fine. Don’t expect me to help you when you get into trouble.”
“I’m sure we won’t come to that.” Twilight snorted.
Applejack coughed discreetly, “Well… as ah was about to say, we have a total of 53 ponies aboard this ship. Rainbow Dash here is the leader of our scout pegasi team.”
“And the best in the whole of Equestria,” added Rainbow Dash arrogantly.
“The white mare over there with froo froo saddles is Rarity, our ships’ chief engineer.” Applejack pointed to a white unicorn dressed in a garish blue dress and saddle, liberally decorated with feathers of many colours.
“Froo froo? Who are you calling froo froo? Why, this is the latest fashion in Stalliongrad and I must say it is made of the most exquisite…” Rarity’s voice trailed off as she realized Twilight was staring at her.
“Oh my stars, where are my manners? Pleased to meet you Commander Sparkles. I do so look forward to working together with you.” Rarity politely shook Twilight’s right forehoof with all the dignity she can muster. Twilight noticed that Spike was staring dreamily at the white unicorn but decided to ignore him for the moment.
“And over there is Dr Fluttershy, our ship’s medic.” Applejack cocked her head towards a yellow pegasus, who seemed more interested in the texture of the slate gray metal tiles rather than Twilight. As the lavender pony brought her right-forehoof to shake the doctor’s, Fluttershy gave a yelp and dashed to hide behind another brick-red pony. Twilight raised an eyebrow at the behavior of the pegasus and shot a questioning glance at Applejack.
“Uh, she might be a lil’ shy sometimes. Give her time. She’ll grow on ya,” Applejack added hastily as she realized Fluttershy was avoiding Twilight.
“If you say so, Applejack,” Twilight said, rather puzzled by the pegasus behavior. Fluttershy was now hiding behind another gray pony with crossed eyes. “Did you hear that?” Twilight asked nopony in particular.
The sound of drums and trumpets began to fill the room. Everyone looked around in puzzlement before Applejack, rather too late, realized what the source of the sounds was. “Oh no…” the orange mare thought, “Not her.”
A pink pony, complete with a curly pink mane with a cutie mark of balloons on her flank suddenly burst into the room with a display of confetti.
“HEY! Are we having a party huh? Is this a party? Are there cupcakes? There better be cupcakes. I love cupcakes… Is that our new captain? OMIGOSH! HI THERE. MY NAME IS PINKIE PIE. I love parties. Do you?...”
Applejack facehoofed as the pink pony pranced around Twilight continually shooting off questions. Twilight herself seemed mesmerized by the spectacle, or too dumbstruck to offer a response.
“PINKIE PIE! Settle down would ya’?” yelled Applejack after what seemed like an eternity of hyperactivity. “Give the captain some space.” Twilight looked positively frazzled after that display of energy, her indigo mane looking a bit tussled.
“Awww….” Pinkie Pie pouted as she hopped into the crowd of ponies, settling to bug Rainbow Dash instead. For which Dash shot a dirty look to Applejack.
“Thanks Applejack. For a moment there I thought I was back in training camp.” Twilight whispered gratefully.
“Anything for the capt’n ma’am.”
“Please, just call me Twilight. Anyways, let’s wrap this up, shall we?” Twilight said more conversationally.
Applejack nodded and continued on, “And that grey pony over there now is Navigator Derpy, our finest…”
***
“So Spike, what you think of our new crew?” Twilight asked, as he lay down on her bed in her quarters. The day was exhausting, with Applejack meticulously showing her around and topped off with a party in the crews’ deck arranged by Pinkie Pie.
“Well, they seem a bit odd, but nice folks. Plus, they have Rarity. Rarity…” Spike’s eyes took on a dreamy look.
“Oh by Celestia’s mane, we’re doomed,” Twilight covered her eyes in despair, her mind already filled with visions of the ship overrun with the eccentric crew she was stuck with.
* * *
“Where are we again? We should have been in the Serpent Nebula days ago.” said Twilight irritably. The young brown pegasus on the pilot seat, gave a shrug.
“Apparently we ended up in the Argos Rho cluster, ma’am. No thanks to our “finest” navigator,” replied “Joker” Scootaloo, the Normaredy pilot, glaring at the grey pegasus, Navigator Derpy. Derpy just smiled goofily and gave a shrug, her eyes crossed as per usual.
Twilight suddenly had a vision of lifting and tossing Derpy out of the ship’s airlock conveniently located behind the flight deck. Patience, Twilight. Just like how those books on friendship taught you, thought Twilight as the impulse subsided.
“Got it. Course correctly plotted for the Citadel.” said Joker happily.
“Finally. Let me know as soon as we get there. The sooner I’m off this ship, the better.”
“Yes ma’am,” Joker dutifully replied. “Jeez, that pony has some serious social issues,” Joker muttered under her breath as the lavender pony trotted off towards the CIC.
Twilight absent mindedly acknowledged the saluting pegasi guards and went down to the middle deck, intent in indulging in some greens for lunch. As she went and prepared some food in the mess hall, she spied Fluttershy entering the mess hall with Spike. Twilight sighed. Dr. Fluttershy is definitely bonding well with Spike better than her.
“… and that’s the story of my life up to today.” Spike paused with a smile. “Would you like to hear about today?”
“Oh, please do.” Fluttershy replied excitedly in her trademark adorable sweet voice, her wings flapping in response.
“Well… today…” Spike suddenly knocked off balance by some invisible force as Twilight trotted up to the pair. With Spike momentarily distracted, Twilight quickly intervened.
“Oh, would you look at that. Poor weedle Spike is tired and needs his rest.” Twilight said in the most cutesy voice she can manage. “Thank you so much for your care Doctor, but I’ll take it from here,”
“Oh.. okay… commander…” replied Fluttershy uncertainly as Twilight scoped Spike up along with her bowl of celery and dashed into her quarters as fast as she could before the yellow pegasus changed her mind.
“Rude much?” the small purple dragon glared at Twilight.
“Sorry Spike, but I need you for more important things. Like research on the Reapers.” Twilight shot an apologetic look at the dragon. “Look, if it makes you feel any better, I’ll go get some gemstones from the Citadel later.”
Spike sighed and said, “Fine fine, let me get my PDA…”