Normally I find portrayals of Pinkie Pie in writing (and in the show) annoying; so far you've done a good job of keeping her bubbly and happy without getting on my nerves. Hope it continues.
Quote:
“You're in a mighty fine mood today, deary,” Mrs. Cake said with her usual warm smile as she came out into the kitchen and picked up the twins. “I sure wish I had your energy every morning. You're a real life saver, Pinkie.”
I feel like the third sentence is unnecessary.
Quote:
A sudden craving suggested itself to her.
This sentence is a little weird because it's a strange way to segue out of interest in the food, but I do love the concept that this paragraph is establishing.
Unfortunately the shipping kind at this point kind of hits the core stumbling point that a lot of shipfics have difficulty with: Assuming attraction. I'm speaking in general terms here, understand, and I've been guilty of this myself. There's a bit of a bad reaction going around to shipfics that just assume that one party is interested in the other without explaining why or establishing it correctly. To really do it right, the transition between relationship statuses needs to be treated in more detail.
However, a deep, slow, emotional buildup to a full-fledged lifelong romance doesn't seem to be the objective of this story so much as pasta jokes; as long as it knows that it wants to be a comedy then it should be easy to overlook the assumption as part of the premise.
Short version is I think it'd be funnier if Pinkie stopped kissing Fluttershy all the time to open the floor to more scope for hijinks.
*Continues*
Quote:
Pasta ain't complete without cheese.”
Feel like Pinkie would use 'isn't'.
Quote:
pasta tentacle monster
hokay
I feel like further high brow literary criticism is would be inappropriate at this point.
Oh, hell with it. Let's enjoy the ride.
Final Thoughts:
"Well, this has been... strange."
Eeeyup.
It's a good story, solid punchline, but you really blow your hand early with the shipping. Play Pinkie Pie straight, have her completely unaware of any shipping implication, and have Fluttershy working up the courage to kiss her at the end be a surprise to her. That's the only thing I'd change, and I think the story would be funnier for it.
Otherwise, you shipped ponies in a story about pasta tentacle monsters. I think that's kind of the end of my thought process.