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As the sun begins to set in the western sky, lighting up the village in a red blaze, a strange thing happens.
A tumbleweed blows through town.
This lone action sets off a number of cliches, turning the hamlet from blood soaked village to deserted ghost town in a matter of minutes. A fitting end, Penguinsushi muses to himself as he stares out the window into the widening darkness. Somewhere in the houses below, a lone torch springs up...
He comes tonight.
PenguinSushi plods off into the castle to make his preparations...
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Zar Peter cautiously pushes open the castle's front door, torch raised for light and pistol in hand, cocked. He glances about, his eyes darting left and right, but unable to find his opponent in the oppressive gloom of the castle. "The first thing we're ... well, I'm doing, when the rebels are in charge, is installing electric." Zar grumbles as he takes his first tenative steps into the building, the door thudding shut behind him. No more than ten feet from the door, however, candle shaped lights snap on all around him, illuminating the castle foyer.
"Greetings!" Penguinsushi's voice booms out around Zar, as if amplified from the top of the staircase, and yet projected from the sides of the room as well.
"I knew you would come tonight, so I took special care to make your welcome a warm one!" Penguinsushi cried, as the bucket suspended above the door via tripwire tipped over, spilling out flaming oil to the square Zar Peter had just inhabited, creating a nigh impassable barrier and forcing him further into the room.
Zar, looking on in horror, discovers a veritable fun house of traps and tricks, all seemingly ripped off... ahem... lovingly lifted from a certain Christmas movie starring Macaulay Culkin. Ornaments, wires of christmas lights with the electrodes bared, even a slightly larger than tarantula sized spider inhabiting one side of the room.
"You think I never saw this movie?" Zar chortles as he skips through the traps, using the dangerous tinsel to incapacitate the spider while leaping through the various ornaments. "We watched this every year!" he screams, ducking under the appropriately timed paint can on the stairs, dashing ever closer to his goal.
"Well then, perhaps THIS will come as a surprise!" exclaims the sushi master, as he leaps from the banister of the staircase behind Peter, brandishing his filet knife and his trusty rolling mat. With one deft move, he catches and removes the flint from Zar's old fashioned pistol. "Now, we battle on even terms." says Penguinsushi, advancing slowly towards his now unarmed, yet still formidible opponent. "...well, almost even, anyway." as he flicks his rolling mat out, distracting Zar while he dies forward with his knife set to "de-bone."
Too clever for such a feint, Zar catches hold of the top of Penguinsushi's shirt, pushing him down and under him, well out of angle for a strike, while leaping up and over him, grasping the chandelier with his newfound height. The momentum of his swing carries him to the throne, where he quickly dismounts the ornamental battle-axe of the realm. "En garde indeed." murmurs the gnome.
Penguinsushi flees at the sight of the maniacal gnome lumberjack, sprinting for his life while Zar sings out a warcry, "The best sushi is fresh!" Quickly turning a blind corner, however, the charging gnome skids to a stop, finding himself on an open air balcony. A weight crashes into him from behind, dislodging the battle axe and sending him head over heels over the railing. Managing to catch hold with one hand, he twists around to see Penguinsushi's gleeful face above him.
"Hang in there, friend! I have just the thing to help you back over!" Without another word, Penguinsushi produces a gigantic green blob, and shoves the entirity of it into Zar's mouth.
"Wath ith dis? EEEYAGHHH!!" Zar quickly grabs the giant wad of wasabi from his mouth, frantically wiping at his tongue to erase the disgusting flavor. However, in a fashion worthy of Wile E. Coyote, Zar fails to realize that one hand holding the wasabi, and one hand wiping his tongue, equals no hands on the railing. With one look down, and a squeak of "Mother!", Zar Peter dropped from the balcony, only to crash in a comical puff of smoke in the courtyard.
After a moment of silent reflection on his nemesis' demise, Penguinsushi ambled back into the throne room, kicking open a cooler next to the gigantic chair. He pulls out a piece of tuna sashimi, and with a final glance over the now empty chamber before his feast, he can't help but utter one final line.
"It's good to be the king."