Serpentine’s Brutally Honest Guide to Self Image
Because, frankly, it could be you.
The most frequent advice given to dateless persons in this thread seems to be “it’s just her/him, don’t worry about it” and “just be yourself”. While there is nothing wrong with this advice, and it may very well be true, it may also be glossing over the nub of the problem: That there is, in fact, something about you that drives away persons of the opposite (or same, if you swing that way) sex. That is definitely not to say that you shouldn’t “be yourself” – being anyone else is at best lying and deception, and at worst identity theft. The thing is, making who yourself is, who you want to be. It’s not about “becoming a new person”, it’s about making the person you already are, better. So, the next time you find yourself lamenting your datelessness, I want you to look over this list and check whether there’s any (fixable ones) that could be contributing.
This is by no means a comprehensive list (if you think of anything else to add, though, tell me so I can put it in), and there are several items that may not be clear-cut, that may be totally repulsive to one person and a huge turn-on to another. I just mean it to be something to think about, to make you consider properly the sort of front you’re presenting to the people around you, and whether that’s the face you really want to show. Furthermore, just because you give the “wrong” answer to some questions, doesn’t mean you’re a horrible, disgusting no-hope loser – I know I’ll definitely have some of these, and I think I’m still an alright person. It will just mean, hopefully, that you’re more aware of these things and their influence on those around you.
Final note, some of these may be gender-specific, though admittedly I am basically writing this for males as they seem to be the main ones who complain about such things, but I think most are unisexual.
I would like to begin with the most important, clear-cut, obvious and influential category, one, so I hear, distressingly ignored by far too many geeks:
Hygiene
o Do you wash regularly?
o Do you wash more frequently in humid and warm weather?
o Do you clean yourself thoroughly when you wash?
o Do you wash your hair regularly, well, and with a decent-quality shampoo and conditioner?
o Do you have excessive body odour?
• Do you wear deodorant?
• Do you put it on before you need it?
• Do you wash your clothes regularly, and when they need it?
• If you answered “yes” to all of these, have you seen a doctor about it?
- If not, do so. It may be a treatable medical problem.
o If you can’t shower, do you use an alcoholic (or anti-bacterial?) spray on (rather than roll-on) deodorant do get rid of odour already there?
o Do you have an acne problem?
• Do you wash your face regularly?
• Have you seen a doctor about it?
- If not, do so. Again, it may be a treatable medical problem.
o Do you clean your teeth regularly, especially when going out or when you will be around other people?
o Are you conscious of when you haven’t cleaned your teeth, and take appropriate steps to avoid breathing on anyone?
•Chewing gum or simply keeping your distance are good starts.
o Do you have excessively or persistently bad breath?
• Have you seen a doctor about it?
- Guess what. Do so, it could be a treatable medical problem.
o Do you visit the dentist regularly?
o Have you had any work that needs to be done, done?
o Do you have particularly crooked teeth?
o Do you have particularly large teeth?
• It’s unlikely that you could do anything about this, but it’s worth being conscious of, though by no means self-conscious about.
o Do you have excessively stained teeth?
o Do you have excessively white teeth?
• I’m looking at you, So You Think You Can Dance Pirahna-Lady =.=
o Do you shave or pluck any facial hair?
• If not, is it deliberately styled (as opposed to growing any which-way), trimmed, kept clean, and otherwise carefully groomed?
• If you do, do you do so frequently enough to avoid excess stubble?
- Some people look quite good with stubble, but it’s not exactly pleasant for make-outs. Just something to keep in mind.
o (girls only) Do you shave your armpits regularly?
• This would be one of those “some like it, some hate it” ones.
o Do you shave your legs regularly?
o Do you have any skin conditions, especially visible ones?
• Are you getting treated for it?
o Do you spit when you talk?
o Do you avoid coughing, sneezing or breathing on people when you’re sick?
o Do you wash your hands after every trip to the toilet, and any other time they need it?
o Do you wipe the sweat off before shaking hands with someone?
o Do you pick your nose in public?
o Do your feet smell?
o If you wear something frequently or constantly – a hat, wrist band, etc. – do you wash it as often as you would any other item of clothing?
oDo you smoke?
• Do you avoid doing so around non-smokers?
• Do you wash your clothes etc. frequently to remove the cigarette smell?
• Do you chew gum afterwards?
Social Skills
o Are you conscious of other people’s personal space?
• Are you excessively conscious of your own?
o Do you “lurk”?
o If you are around when someone is occupied with something else, do you do something – make conversation, watch TV, draw, read, whatever – or do you just stand there and watch them?
• Oddly specific because based on personal experience.
o Are you capable of making conversation?
• If not, quick and dirty guide: ask questions that encourage more than a “yes” or “no” answer, and respond to questions with more than “yes” or “no”. Seek help, this is a very important skill to learn.
o Do you speak clearly?
• Do you speak too fast or too slow?
• Do you slur your words?
• Do you enunciate your words?
• Do you usually get the pronunciation right?
o Can you talk to persons of the opposite sex as you would anyone?
o Are you willing and able to approach others?
o Can you “take a hint”?
• Can you recognise when it is time to take your leave, or when someone wants you to stay, etc?
o Do you listen when other people talk?
o Do you meet people’s eyes when you talk to them?
o Do you need to make yourself stop staring at certain places?
o Do you stare?
o Do you take a genuine interest in what other people have to say?
o Are you articulate?
o Do you have a sense of humour?
• Do you really, or do you just think you’re hilarious?
o Do you have a reasonably broad knowledge in a range of interesting topics?
o Do you laugh too loud, or too readily, or strangely?
o Do you laugh at your own jokes?
• Do you have trouble finishing a joke because you’re laughing too hard at it?
o Do you talk too loud or too softly?
o Do you have a speech impediment?
• Obviously not something you’re likely to be able to fix, but it might be worth talking to a speech therapist if you haven’t already.
o Do you take into account the interest of your audience before telling a story or anecdote?
o Are you a good storyteller?
o Can you finish a story well?
o Can you tailor jokes and conversation to suit your audience?
o Do you, by design or accident, dominate any gathering or conversation?
o Do you get excessively agitated whenever someone expresses an opinion contrary to your own?
o Do you argue for the sake of argument?
o When you argue, do you listen, address your opponent’s points, make your own well thought-out and articulate, allow for the possibility of changing your own view, avoid personal attacks, and other things conductive to an enjoyable and constructive discussion?
o Do you know when to let a matter go?
o Are you honest but tactful when offering an opinion, advice, or criticism?
o Are you overeager to offer an opinion, advice or criticism?
o Do you try to convince people that you are smarter or more knowledgeable than you really are?
o Do you tend to show off your intelligence?
o Are you excessively boastful?
o Do you readily make your own physical, mental, emotional or other problems a topic of conversation?
• “Hi I’m bipolar.”
o Do you carry a chip on your shoulder and/or your problems on your back?
o Can you handle someone making a joke at your expense?
o Do you make too many jokes at the expense of others?
o Do you pick out one person to make fun of?
o Do you blame others when they take offence at what you meant to be a joke?
o Do you “suck up”, “brownnose” or otherwise try to get into someone’s favour?
o Are you condescending and/or patronising?
o Do you go out of your way to make people feel awkward?
o Are you conscious of what makes other people uncomfortable?
o When approaching someone, do you “sidle” and suddenly appear behind or beside them?
o Are you excessively physical and/or intimate?
o Are you excessively uncomfortable with human contact?
o Do you tend to insult or belittle other people’s lifestyles and/or beliefs?
o Do you consider others to be lesser than you, stupider than you, or otherwise beneath your notice?
o Do you treat others with contempt?
o Do you find yourself telling people to “grow up” a lot?
o Do other people tell you to “grow up” a lot?
o Are you miserly?
o Are you helpful?
o Do you say “please” and “thank you” and other basic manners?
o Can you accept compliments graciously?
o Do you expect compliments?
o Do you give compliments?
• Do you do so excessively, and/or creepily?
o Do you seek attention?
o Can you take “no” for an answer?
o Are you violent?
o Are you intimidating, deliberately or by virtue of build?
o Do you drink too much?
• Are you unpleasant – randy or angry or violent – when you drink?
o Do you take drugs, legal or otherwise?
• Are you, to put it bluntly, drugf***ed?
Aesthetics
o Do you have a hair style that suits you?
o Do you have your hair trimmed when it needs it?
o Do you wear cuts and colours that suit you?
o Do you dress appropriately to your shape and size?
o Do you have, and wear, at least some interesting clothes?
o Do you wear interesting combinations of clothes?
o Is everything you own brand-name?
o Are many of your clothes stained?
o Is your default facial expression any of the following: scowl, half-open dullard mouth, frown, frogface, piranha (see: woman on So You Think You Can Dance)?
o Do you wear too much makeup?
o Do you wear too little makeup?
o Do you have any particularly prominent and ugly moles?
o Do your glasses suit you?
o Do you wear clothing, shoes, etc. ridiculously oversized?
o Do you wear a belt if your pants require one?
o Do you regularly make fashion faux-pas (e.g. socks with sandals), that simply don’t look good?
o Do you clean your shoes?
o Do you polish shoes that require it occasionally?
o Do you replace or repair shoes or other clothing when necessary?
o Do you brush your hair?
o Do you wear excessive amounts of hair products?
o Do you wear excessive amounts of any product?
o Do you wear strong perfume/cologne?
o Do you wear nasty perfume/cologne?
o Do you have an unusually large number of piercings?
o Do you have an unusual lack of piercings?
o Do you adhere to an “alternative” or fringe fashion?
o Do you adhere to strict mainstream fashions?
o Do you have at least the basic idea of cooking and other housekeeping skills?
o Do you have basic table manners?
o Do you avoid showing off a spotty or hairy bikini line?
o Is your underwear, indeed, "under"?
o Do you wear pants hitched too high or too low?
As I said, this is just something to ponder, if you’re searching for a possible reason why you might be struggling to find a significant other. Think about who it is you’re being, when you’re “being yourself”, and whether that’s the you you want everyone to be seeing. All we can see is what you present to us, and first impressions really do matter.