Previously on 'The Invasion' the Cybermen were animated and things were action packed! Also girls are morons every last bally lot of them, and Frollo controls the MoD.
Ooh yay, I get to see the birth of the Cybermadonna IRL thanks to
Classic Who's habit of repeating the last minute or so of the serial. This is so much more atmospheric than the animated version.
It certainly scares the Doctor! Oh for,
four seconds guys! Four seconds and they're in each other's personal space, and probably hugging too. I can't be certain, but I think that pale blob thingy on the Doctor's jacket
might be Jamie's hand.
Hehehe. Cybermen in bubblewrap. This will never not be funny.
Eh. The Cybermen are very clearly wearing fabric suits.
I get that there a budget issues, after all
Doctor Who only got a budget in 2005,
but the Cybermen are meant to be robots! Of a sort. Fabric is not a robot thing. Unless it's stitchpunk. This is where I'm going to have to start the ~budget~ handwave isn't it? (I've only just noticed that the Doctor is missing one of his bottom incisors. That'd be problematic for a regeneration wouldn't it?) Well, I knew about the budget of two rolls of bubblewrap, a roll of sticky tape and nine shoe laces before I started, so I should have expected it earlier.
J: Cybermen. Where do they come from?"
D: "I don't know Jamie, but they're here aren't they?" You don't know where the Cybermen came from? In the abstract or the specific sense? I'm certainly hoping you know
something about one of your bigger enemies.
And then they run back to the canoe. A very good idea. You've done your recon. now run away before you're assimilated into the collective!
I can't get over the canoeing Doctor. He's just someone I never imagined in a canoe you know, and it seems so absurd somehow. The Doctor and Jamie are performing industrial espionage on a electronics company in the centre of London via canoe.
This is so -
the Doctor is cano(e)odling with Jamie! Seriously, does the Doctor strike
anyone as the kind to canoe?
This is one of the craziest things I've ever seen in
Doctor Who. I am not being hyperbolic. And I don't know why. Even the music is surreal as if to say 'Yeah. We're feeling it too.'
And from surreality to idiocy, the Girls are onscreen. AND ZOE STILL HASN'T TAKEN OFF THAT GODFORSAKEN BOA!!!!! Zoe now stands at 5ive-sevenths of a Tallulah now.
But the worst part about the scene? Cpt. Jimmy Turner says the situation is "not really a military matter now". So we have the brainwashing/blackmail of high-ups in the British Armed Forces and Government, the kidnapping, the attempted murder of one British citizen (our Boys and Zoe probably aren't ones), the assault and attempted murder of the UNIT soldiers in the helichopter, attacking the military,
having a private army that opened fire on governmental forces, effectively declaring Not-Microsoft to be domestic terrorists AND IT'S "NOT REALLY A MILITARY MATTER"?!?!?!?!?!
Hands up readers if you think domestic terrorists are a military matter.
Thought so.
And this doesn't even include the ten tonnes of circumstantial evidence implicating Microsoft in assisting some form of alien life doing things that are almost certainly suspicious and bad.
Now. Yes, this could be our good modern major-general's fault, but I think such a bombshell for the Brig and our Boys would be something they would actually show onscreen rather than offscreen between an episode cliffhanger. I mean at the very least have it happen offscreen during an actual episode!
But the Cpt. says he's handing it over to the police! Now while the British police forces are . . . fairly good, they are most certainly not equipped (literally, British policemen don't use guns) to deal with a
private army.
And in the middle of a crisis - a key component of which being that the Prof. is still being held captive by Frollo - Miss Legs and Cpt. Jimmy Turner flirt, resulting in him inviting her out to dinner. British stoicism and stiff upper lippedness or sheer silliness, whatever, but I do admit that I kind of semi-shipped them earlier in this conversation, so it's gratifying to see it coming to fruition. They seem cute together. It's also proof I ship heterosexual couples too!
Good God Miss Legs, should I just call you a gold digger?! Because the first thing you after Cpt. Jimmy Turner
the man who saved your life asks you out is "Are you stinking rich?" HE'S A CAPTAIN IN THE ARMY WHO SAVED YOUR LIFE! ISN'T THAT FULFILLING ENOUGH DREAMS FOR YOU!
Look, there are only two girls in the serial: you and Zoe. And between you two women are nothing more than annoying, worthless, money-grubbing, aspirationless, looks obsessed, feeble, helpless wastes of space! I am actually started to get offended by the treatment of females in this serial. And I'm hardly a girl. Eh. I'll get over it the next time I see the Doctor and Jamie touching. I am easily satisfied.
And guess who just came in the door! The Doctor and Jamie. And I am no longer bothered by the unfeminist portrayal of female characters. And Cpt. Jimmy Turner has a rather nice bottom I do say.
Aha! Our Boys (screw feminism, I'm applying French grammar rules here!)
have seen Cybermen before. Good to know that. Gives me a sense of continuity (don't laugh). Oh Jamie, I could listen to you saying "Cybermen" for hours on end.
No really. Check it out
at 01:40.
And for those who only recently got into
Doctor Who (as in when this was first airing) we get a very short, fairly vague explanation. D: "They're from another world. Inhuman killers." This definition can also be applied to: the Daleks, the Sontarans, the Rutans (whoever they are), the Autons, the Raxacoricofallipatorians, the Sycorax, the Silence, the Nimon, the Gelth, the Ice Warriors (I just know the name), the Carrionites, the spider-thingies under the Thames, the Mighty Jagrafess - but you can call him Max, the Headless Monks, the Time Lords, and one Hell of a lot more because you can't ask me to name every single alien species on
Doctor Who that fits those criteria. Including those mutants from 'Utopia' and humans-that-live-on-another-planet-so-aren't-humans-from-Earth.
And Miss Legs, being
so smart and an obvious expert in alienology snarks about Cybermen, calling them "little green men". From this remark we see that Two throws a snit rather like Nine, Ten and Eleven do (but especially Ten) when they're being mocked when they have their Serious Face on. Nice to see that sort of thing. Inter-Doctor continuity that is.
(Revision
bites. I just rewatched the episode to refresh my memory, and then reread my review/commentary so far.
I have realised that as an English student I am constantly self-analysing how I speak and write, and I've noticed that I'm using fairly . . . kitschy phrasing and vocabulary, but I'm not entirely sure why. I know that it's fairly close to my usual casual vocabulary and phrasing anyway, but I think it also perhaps adds a bit of an endearing innocent quality as well, maybe to show that I'm going into things blind.
I don't even know why I'm including this in the review except as a brief nod to my absence, and to show that I'm
always overanalysing something - normally myself and my words - to show that I'm always having fun doing this, thus reemphasising how much I enjoy these reviews?
Perhaps.
I really couldn't tell you to be honest. My mouth is like a babbling brook that | O'erfloweth with meaningless nothings | Emptier than the very wind itself. Ha! Count the Shakespeare allusions there.
I am so lame. I blame revision. No I don't. I'm like that anyway.)
So as the Doctor snitily sits down Zoe says "We've met Cybermen before and seen what they can do." Although surely that was implied just seconds ago? Miss Legs must be
really dumb. Either way, Cpt. Jimmy Turner asks the sensible question: how many and where? And the two-part answer (adorably the Doctor talks over Jamie. Or possibly rudely.) is Frollo's place and maybe thousands of them.
Meaning we'll see maybe ten onscreen at any one time. Oh pre-CG low-budget live-action television and film how I love you. In other visual news, I can't get over Two's face. I can't.
It's strangely compelling in all its untraditional charm. And he's staring directly at us to tell us the plot point we'd figured out ages ago. I will cut some slack though as the contemporary audience weren't spoiled by DVD cases, but not too much, because it was pretty damn obvious that when a deep space radio transmitter is mentioned, and then alien ships are being shown that one leads to the other.
Jamie also states the obvious, but he's Scottish and adorable, so I don't mind that he's concluded that hundred of Cybership sightings equals hundred of Cybermen. No seriously, I think I can give Jamie a Free Pass For Eternity. Really.
The Doctor realises that the Brig is missing when he really should be here doing military type things and prepping for the titular invasion, but well, he's off at the MoD, and I'll be a monkey's uncle if that's not where we cut to shortly.
Well snap. D: "No, Captain. The people who went into Vaughn's headquarters were different when they came out, weren't they?"
C: "Yes." I think one of my siblings just adopted a monkey and that I've had a sex change. I'm worried for the monkey.
Ha! Zoe actually used her brain! For once. Z: "Do you think they're being controlled, Doctor?"
C: "Controlled?" Cpt. Jimmy Turner, you are tall, dark and handsome, a Captain in the Army, and can approach sarcasm. Please engage brain. It's bad when you're being shown up by
Zoe.
Z: "Yes, the Cybermen have means of controlling people's minds." By hacking into their bluetooth headset. "They appears to be almost normal, but they're not, they're controlled. That's what you said literally one sentence ago darling, not even Miss Legs is thick enough to forget something that quickly. Then again, by Jamie's adorable frown he doesn't seem to be following, this is rather awkward as he has experienced Cybermen and the Cybercontrolled before, and really should know this already.
Ha! The adoption failed, thank Christ. Although this means I'm still female. Damn. Either way, the Brig's on screen being all offended and saying "No cause for alarm? Billy, do you realise what's happened?" No because
he was staring at your 'tache, and I was staring at your bottom.
It's rather shapely. I should feel ashamed shouldn't I?
Still The Brig: "They tried to shoot down one of my helicopters."
TVMoAMM-G: "You were trespassing over their top-security area." Ah, Major-General, no offence,
but that doesn't exactly gel. I know
these laws are a little later than 1967, but they still apply. Now while I'm not
au fait with British civil law or even military law, I do know this: there was a famous case in the UK about . . . five years back? Maybe a little more as I was in secondary school. But a farmer shot a man in the back for burglary. This was considered a bit not good for various reasons.
Primarily, he was running away, and undefended.
While it
was true that they were trespassing over privately owned (and apparently top security) property it was: one - a military operation and there was reasonable belief that illegal things were going on; two - four people (that they knew of) were being held against their will and/or attacked by
armed men; three - an
ongoing investigation meaning there must have been
some prior paperwork documenting their suspicions about this place in the first place.
Why am I harping on about this? Well, I can reason that, while probably violating some minor laws, ones that justified a slight measure of response by the offended party,
such defence does not include shooting down a helicopter with people in it over the skies of London, one of the most populous cities in Europe. And probably with illegal weapons too. Hell, the fact that they had
machine guns or automatics of some sort violates numerous British laws and is itself grounds for a full-out investigation into Not-Microsoft in most ways imaginable.
TVMoAMM-G should know this too!
Point is, it's obvious as Hell that TVMoAMM-G is working for the other side. Even the red tape of the British beaurocracy wouldn't be
this obstructive. If nothing else they'd do the paperwork later because of the potential threat to Britain As We Know It or something. Again, see: potential domestic terrorism.
OR THE IRISH!
The B: "Oh for Heaven's sake, if you can't trust a UNIT force, who can you trust?" Well, given the myriad ways you can be mind-controlled, blackmailed, cloned, replicated etc. etc. you can't really trust anyone. Put your paranoia goggle on Brig. You could be a Cylon and not even know it!
TVMoAMM-G starts to say 'there's nothing we can do' but he pulls a series of funny faces that I think is meant to symbolise having a heart attack, dying or fighting the Cybercontrol. The Brig overlooks it anyway, and I frown at him for ignoring something that shouldn't be ignored, but I quickly get to smile at him and give him a little golden star because he does say "[S]urely we can at least request a thorough investigation". See! Ignorant civilians can still predict military wossnames!
Ooooh, the music's getting rather tense here, I like it.
There's more stuff with TVMoAMM-G being all 'it's not our jurisdiction' and the Brig being all "angry" and demanding who's province it is, and the music continues being subtle and electronic.
Oh, I love this. TVMoAMM-G "All you've given me is vague reports, nothing conclusive, no proof." The Brig, this is my clue stick, allow me to beat you over the head with it. This is not the Billy you were looking for. Screw the rules, you have reasonable proof and all those other 80s cop/buddy cop thriller clichés!
B: "No proof!"
TVMetc. "I', sure this is all a misunderstanding. I'll talk to the C in C [Commander in Chief] of internal security myself."
"But Billy, talk isn't going to help. I want some sort of action, and
I want it now." Gooses and geeses too? "At least get the civil authorities to investigate." But I got to admit it, I do like the relative accuracy of procedure and the bureaucracy here, it adds a touch of realism without sacrificing the conflict or the pacing, while at the same time highlighting the problems of bureaucracy and demonstrating that enough money/power/control can corrupt anything.
See, paper pushing is relative to the overrunning theme of the serial!
TVMetc.: "You'll have to leave this matter with me."
B: "Will I?"
TVMetc. "If you're thinking of going to C in C yourself" 'I'll have your badge for this Sergeant!' The Brig places his badge on the table, 'You can shove my badge where the sun does not shine sir.' and leaves. Well, no, he doesn't. What actually happens is TVMetc. says "I shouldn't bother, you'll be wasting your time." Because . . . ?
B: So you're going to do nothing?" TVMetc. looks uncomfortable and shifty. "What sort of hold has Vaughn got on you?" Oh I
wonder what kind of thing
was only recently made legal just before airing and is relevant to the Doctor? I jest. It's probably chickens or something.
TVMetc. "Vaugh? I . . .Brigadier, your UNIT force will take no precipitous action without top-priority permission. That is an order." LOOPHOLE ABUSE TIME!
Precipitous:
'extremely rapid, hasty or abrupt', can also refer to events done 'without due consideration'. Brig, you almost certainly were an Oxbridge graduate. Use and abuse this loophole. As long as you act with due care you can do
whatever you want.
B: "I see sir. Well, you can override my authority but not that of UNIT Central COmmand. I'm sending a full report to them in Geneva." Huh. Welll, kudos for you, but do you have to tell the Obviously Working For the Villains Man your intentions?
Well, thanks to you Brig TVMetc. decides to contact Frollo in his Villain Office in his Villain HQ.
*snerk* Oh Lord. 04:46, so very Cockney. I died.
Recap what we already now, Frollo asks how long it would take for UNIT CC to authorise stuff and TVMetc. stutters and hesitates over his response. Yep, TVMetc. is fighting the Cybercontrol. Frollo has to exert some sort of admin authority over TVMetc. to get him to come to him.
This is actually rather eerie. I suggest you watch this whole scene. I'm getting a very Dalek feel from TVMetc. thanks to his tone and how he says "I obey". I almost want to say they modulated his voice via some effects thingy, but I don't believe they did.
And some more exposition between PP and Frollo laying out plainly what we already know. Frollo's got Cybercontrol powers over certain people, and if TVMetc. doesn't obey them things will go up the proverbial creek without a paddle.
F: "Oh he will, Packer, he will." Oh Frollo, I've forgotten just how marvellous and condescending your voice is. You are one fantastic villain.
Back with UNIT and our Boys. Or more specifically our UNIT Boys, TVMetc. and the Brig are now missing in action so it's probably down to poor wee Cpt. Jimmy Turner to make decisions in the meantime. And by that I mean, let the Doctor tell him what to do.
That was quick. Back at Villain HQ Frollo keeps on insisting that TVMetc. tells him how long until the UN actually does something. [Insert Political Reference/Joke/Take That here]
TVMetc. "One day. Maybe two."
Frollo decides then that that's more than enough time to enact a full-scale invasion of earth (or at least a partial one to establish a firm foothold), PP on the other hand doesn't like it. "Suppose the UNIT forces me faster than that? Suppose they - "
F: "Let me do all the supposing Packer." He has a point though you know, a day doesn't exactly give you much leeway in case something goes balls up.
Except Frollo has one. It involves the CerebroMatic thingy and that Cyberman they woke up earlier. It's time to zap things with Science! Oh PP look, you're not the sharpest crayon in the box by far, but you know the CerebroDohickey upsets and worries Cybermen. You presumably know that there are freeze-dried Cybermen waiting to be defrosted in the warehouse.
Brains: use them.
PP: "What about him [TVMetc.]?"
F: "Oh leave him to me." PP nicks off (although with a concerned glance at TVMetc.) and Frollo open the Villainous Secret Compartment to reveal the CyberRadio. Methinks TVMetc.'s going to be converted. But first, more exposition! This time so the
aliens of our piece are filled in.
F: "There has been a difficulty. We must alter our plans."
CR: "Report the difficulty and we will assess it."
F: "We must bring the invasion forward."
[Cut to TVMetx. looking all sweaty and blinking excessively] CR: "Our invasion force is not yet complete." Methinks someone's worked off his CyberControl.
F: "The invasion must take place in fifteen hours time, otherwise we may have to face the combined forces of the entire world." Well, considering in
Nu WHo's rip-off of this serial it took four Daleks (well, one really, the other three just ate popcorn) to defeat an entire army, he has a point.
CR: "Wait while the report will be assessed." See, even an alien invasion has red tape to chew through! Civil servants are the enemy! Let us unite against them!
F: "You will accept what I say or our partnership is at an end." Um dude.
They can kill you as easily as they can wipe out the rest of humanity! Also, if you hadn't disobeyed
their explicit instructions to murderlise the Doctor you wouldn't be in this mess now would you? I get that you want on top in this relationship, but there's got to be
some give and take.
F: "The invasion will take place at dawn tomorrow." OH MY WORD! I can
smell the cheese! This is going to be the best. thing. ever.
CR: "It has been agreed. The data will be computed and the invasion details transmitted to you. DIsucssion terminated." Have a picture of the
CyberRadio. Or two.Told you it was pretty neat.
In the warehouse we have more Cybermen in cloth suits being born.
You can even see the zip! The low-budget sixties scent is truly marvellous. The mask itself is pretty good in a goofy way though.
You can definitely see the evolution of the Cybermen in the past fifty years. I prefer the look of the
Nu Cybermen obviously just because they actually look like robots rather than men in obvious costumes, but I think I might enjoy the kitsch appeal of the
Classic Cybermen.
They do look better when not in a CyberCloseUp. Also,
they have an electronic heart beat in time to the lights on their chest! And they do make an attempt to . . . do the robot.
That heartbeat of theirs is quite creepy.
BUT NOT AS CREEPY AS THEIR VOICE! It's almost like a Dalek voice, but not a shouty Dalek, a Dalek whisper perhaps. And a little sing-songy, bit higher pitched than in
Nu Who. Look, if you're watching the link I posted earlier you know what I mean.
But the plan is that the Daleks will rise
from the sewers! Cybermen. I mean Cybermen. Seems like a certain Dalek two-parter from
Nu Who's season two is playing Rip Off a
Classic Who Serial too.
Question: I know that at points the Tube network and the London sewers are very close together. Does this mean we can see Cybermen walking out of Tube stations? Oh I dearly hope so! And yes, London has some of the most spacious sewers in the world thanks to the Victorians. Next!
The Doctor's figured out the plan too. Or at least, there's a map that says 'MAIN DRAINAGE' on it upside down, some UNIT bloke (possibly Cpt. Jimmy Turner) said the tunnels were underground, and the Doctor had earlier seen Cybermen being defrosted in a sewage tunnel. So yes, he's figured out the plan.
Also. Guess which
other Nu Who Cybermen serial involved an invasion force lurking in the tunnels?!
YOU GUESSED IT!
Seriously, why did we get a sucky Rose-centred story in a story
based on 'The Invasion' when it could have been so much cooler. And centred around
Mickey to give him character development. But nooooooooo, we just had to repeat 'Father's Day' because Rose is such a ~speshul perfect unique snowflake~ whose sidekick
is the bloody Doctor! You know, before I started watching 'The Invasion' I thought 'Rise of the Cybermen'/'The Age of Steel' was a good, if flawed introduction to the Cybermen. Now it's just rage and annoyance and Rose!hate.
(It was the Brig by the by)
So our Boys are concentrating on the "main flood-relief sewer" as it runs right underneath the warehouse where all the Cybermen are. So this was before the Thames Flood Barrier was built then? Huh.
The Thames Barrier was only officially opened in 1984, and building only started a decade prior. Didn't know it was that young.
Stuff about Cybermen being waterproof and flood tunnels only being used during times of flooding. This was an actual thing that was said.
Miss Legs: "Then what'll we do? Pray for a cloudburst?" And then she gets burned by the Brig telling her that the invasion of earth is kind of serious business of the serious sort.
Scepticism is what makes her snark (darling, if you only snark for sceptical reasons, you've got a lot to learn), especially when
there's a military division specially created to deal with the supernatural. And
some of your newfound best mates have actually seen the Cybermen in real life. There is a time and a place for snark, and it is not here.
Unless you're watching.
Cpt. JT: "With all due respect sir, no one believe in the Yetis until they saw them. If you go to Central Command with this story, they'll think you're mad." One: the Doctor and the Brig versus Yetis. Do want.
Two:
you have photographic evidence and hundreds of eye witness statements. Including people who saw the actual aliens.
Three:
your helicopter was still shot at by Not-Microsoft whether or not aliens from outside space were involved.
Four:
the Yetis created precedent for their being aliens and whatnot. UNIT was created entirely in response to aliens and things that aren't human (as in bog-standard human) so if the dude who saw the Yetis tells you there are aliens, there damn well are aliens. Dammit!
Five: if you're that worried use the word 'alien' in its 'not-from-space' definition to just mean . . . you know,
foreigners.
Six: DO I HAVE TO THINK FOR YOU WHILE YOU THUMP YOUR CHEST AND BELLOW FOR THE PRETTY LADY!
For some obscure reason the Brig says that Cpt. JT's right, and that "what we really need is some sort of evidence, some proof." Like those dozens of photographs of obviously alien (or highly advanced and therefore possibly
COMMUNIST) ships flying low enough in British airspace for detail to be made out by poor-grade cameras.
D: "It might be better at the moment at the moment to find out what form this attack's going to take." Dude. Cybermen. CyberGuns. CyberShips. Assimilating. Or upgrading, whichever you prefer. Bit obvious the attack.
And you know where they are too.
Kill. Now. Use
the power of love already. This is the
perfect moment to confess your undying love for the glorious Jamie. DO EET!
YES!
D: "Jamie . . . "
J: "What?"
HE LOVES YOU!
D: "That transistor radio that Vaughn gave you. Have you still got it?"
My face.
Still, at least we're resolving that plot point. Finally. That only took what, an hour and a half. The Doctor has a lookie (again) and asks to see any IE equipment that UNIT has (they have some). Bet you ten bob they've got those not-bluetooth thingies in too.
Cut to the Cybermen and
oh their suits bend and flex like cloth not metal! THIS IS GENIUS! as they go into the sewers. PP is in a dorky looking hat (think policeman's hat in the 1800s) and Frollo's there to conduct there little experiment. The CerebralMatic look like a car battery. Probably because it
is a car battery.
Gregory (that's the Prof's first name) protests because the CerebralTron 5000 is dangerous, but Frollo rightly says that it's best to make sure they "have an effective weapon against the Cybermen."
PP: "You're going to try it out on one of them?"
F: "Why not?" Well if it doesn't work you're all dead anyway, what've you got to lose? Oh this is amazing, Cybermen are stored (born perhaps?) in "cocoon[s]". The whirly thing wakes up the Cyberman, then turns it off? I think? And Frollo orders the Prof to attach the machine to it.
Why does the Prof hesitate? I don't know, maybe he thinks it's murder? Either way - oh my word.
The CerebralMatic is made of a car battery and a stethoscope! This is the best thing in the history of best things.
And he actually puts it on the Cyerbman's ears! Words cannot describe how bad this is. Remember, this is an emotion inducer. And emotions go in through the ears.
Naturally, Frollo decides to induce fear in the poor wee Cyberman. I say this because I'm writing it
after hearing a Cyberman's distorted childlike scream. (13.11 in the link above) Then it goes insane and flails around in its obviously metal costume, and into the sewers. Thankfully it's stopped screaming. I think I'll be hearing that in my nightmares tonight.
Frollo wants more power to actually kill Cybermen, PP expresses concern about the CyberLoony being loose in the sewers, to which Frollo says "Anyone fool enough to be down those sewers deserves to die."
Cut to Miss Legs.
He was right.
ML: "Now you really believe that these Cybermen things are down in the sewers?" She's going to photograph them isn't she? Exchange of dialogue between her and the Brig leading to her saying, "Well, the answer's simple, surely. Go and get some proof."
Yes. You do that. I'll miss you . . . r legs.
B: "And how do I prove that in the sewers of London there are creatures from outer space waiting to attack us?" At least they're not teenage mutant ninja turtles. try explaining
that to your boss. "Go and get one?"
Photograph it. She's going to take pretty pictures of them. In all their fakeness. Because this was before photoshopping and photomanipulation, so obviously you can't fake -
oh wait, the Cottingly Fairies, 1917. Done by a ten-year-old and a sixteen-year-old. Both were amateurs. YOU ARE A PROFESSIONAL. Supposedly.
Blah, blah, blah, "Photograph them." Called it. Stuck up hoity toity woman.
And why is Zoe still wearing a damned feather boa?!
The Brig admits it's not bad, except "it'd be pitch-dark" in the tunnels. Hey, camera techies, is this right? ML: "You could use an infrared film, a 25 filter on a 35mm camera with a telephoto lens", is this a thing that is real and easy and fairly cheap? Or is she lying for gits and shiggles?
B: "Is that all gibberish or do you really know what you're talking about?" Oh Brig I love you. I bet you would be amazing on a rifftrax. And this serial's DVD release does have a commentary track. TO THE EXTRAS!
ML pouts because someone actually questioned her intelligence, and for some reason the Brig allows her to do this. Remember: he's a Brigadier
in the army. Second some reconnaissance equipment and people who know how to use it, don't use something you can buy on the common market and have a civilian operate it!
Okay I know, I know, sci-fi,
Doctor Who, not introducing more characters,
but it's the military and so far they've been reasonably good with it.
Oh thank Christ the Brig and I are soul mates. "[T]his is hardly a job for you [ML]."
ML: "Why ever not?" Civilian. Never engaged in any sort of military operation. Bit thick.
B: "Well, you're a young woman. This is a job for my men." Ah . . . while this openly screams misogyny (and this is almost certainly what ML will claim), I think it's poorly phrased rather than deliberately and openly condescending.
"In 1949 women were officially recognized as a permanent part of British Armed forces, although full combat roles were still available only to men." Also, the C in C referred to earlier? Queen Elizabeth II, sort of. It's complicated. She can veto anything excluding nuclear strikes.
Point
is, is that women were legally permitted to perform reconnaissance duties. I think what the Brig means by 'men' is his men with military experience. Because well, let's face it, there weren't many women in the Armed Forces in the 1960s. So misogynistic yes, but also militaristically he has a point.
ML: "Well of all the bigoted, anti-feminist, cretinous remarks". Yes, but no. And he has a valid point. IF ONLY HE WOULD ARGUE IT RATHER THAN FURTHER YOUR POINT OF VIEW!
B: "This is no job for a girl like you. Now that's final." Use logic. It's that thing you have that let's you think in a sensible fashion. No civilians on a military exercise. Easy. Done. Said. Nothing bigoted, anti-feminist or cretinous about it. Just simple procedure. And yes, that
was definitely a condescending line.
ML: "Oh you . . . you man!" Well. Yah. He has a penis. I'm pretty sure means he's a man. Although it is a bit more complicated now. The Brig goes off to get professionals to do the job while ML fumes like the incompetent airhead she is.
J: "Aye, well, he's right you know." Oh no Jamie, don't get involved in this. You'll be browbeaten into idiocy. Also, I finally get to know his last name! It's McCrimmon!
Shame we've got the 'My penis is bigger than your penis' argument going on between the sexes. Doesn't help that Jamie's from, you know,
the past
where it had been medically and religiously proven (by the standards of the time) that men were indeed superior to women in almost all areas that weren't maternal. (I'm pegging him as 1600s until I get further proof) Then again, he
has travelled with the Doctor.
Then again Rose never changed one iota.
Sadly, because of how Jamie was raised this means the two idiotic cows are going to go take photographs of some Cybermen.
WITHOUT AN ESCORT! LOOK, I KNOW FEMINISM IS THIS BIG THING AND YOU'RE FEELING ALL EMASCULATED (OR WHATEVER THE FEMININE VERSION IS)THAT YOU NEED TO PROVE YOURSELF, BUT THERE ARE ALIENS WITH BIG KILLING LAZOR THINGS AND WHATNOT.
AT LEAST MISS LEGS HAS THE SHIELD OF 'I DID NOT KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THESE THINGS WERE BECAUSE
I DON'T REALLY THINK THEY EXIST' BUT YOU ZOE HAVE
NO EXCUSE.
YOU ARE TAKING YOUR FRIENDS INTO LITERAL ENEMY TERRITORY TO PROVE YOU CAN PEE HIGHER UP A WALL THAN JAMIE!
Now who's being the idiotic, cretinous bigot? Here's a hint: she has a feather boa on. OH MY GOD! SHE TOOK IT OFF!
My mind is blown.
Jamie on the other hand . . . his face says it all really:
Oh crap.
Especially when he finds out the Girls are planning on
going to London without telling anybody! Jesus Christ.
So let's go find ourselves someone sensible. The Doctor's sensible. Sometimes. Well, he's not one of our Girls. Turns out that he's found a thing in a thing that's like the thing in Jamie's radio. Sadly, he doesn't know what it is.
Well, I say sadly, but I mean, 'worryingly' because, as CR tells us: "One hour until the invasion, and the Cyber-transmitter units will be launched into orbit around Earth." And the transmission they carry will "penetrate all areas". Hehehe.
Frollo asks what happens if it fails, and the CR says "Humans cannot resist CyberControl." Oh wow, I predicted canon before it happened! Also, yes, humans can resist CyberControl. Or at least they can in
Nu Who. CR: "Our forces will penetrate all areas and select suitable humans for cybernetic conversion." Hehehe.
I think this might be the first time that Frollo's heard about the Cybermen's tendency to pull a Borg on new lifeforms and destroy all those who resist or are incompatible with their technology.
Except it's actually the Borg who are pulling a Cyberman, but I saw the Borg before I saw the Cybermen so it's all confusing! Either way Frollo shouts, "No! This is not as we agreed!" Oh dear, is the poor little hoo-man being double-crossed by his alien partners? Who ever would have guessed?
CR: "It has been decided."
F: "We agreed that I should remain in control of Earth." (And that he would give them their minerals) You know, it's really weird to be watching, basically the first years of television sci-fi and recognise all these tropes that are so cliché they're almost extinct. Think on it! This used to be a valid and surprising plot twist!
F: "You will honour that bargain, otherwise there will be no invasion!" Excuse me while I go laugh in a corner somewhere.
CR: "To control, you must undergo complete conversion and become one of us." Wait what? Are they saying that -
F: "No! My body may be cybernetic" I KNEW IT! "but my mind stays human. That is final!" Also, hello officially better and original version of Lumic. Also, points for putting a twist on a cliché (possibly before it became too cliché) before it happened.
The Hell? And the Cybermen still agree with Frollo? Are the Cybermen just lying their faces off here? Has all this been designated a lie? Where have I heard that phrase before?
Star Trek probably.
PP and Frollo seem to agree with me that the Cybermen are planning to pull the rug out from under them, hence the Plan. Oh, the Cerebraton Machine that's it's proper name.
And Frollo's being playing the Xanatos Gambit with the Cyberman, he's made these audio-rejection implants (aka: techno
Treknobabble props) to make sure they're not Cybercontrolled. F: "Nothing has been overlooked." Except the wild card in your chess match - you cannot plan for the Doctor and his Crew. Or you could, but then they'd do something so off the wall it's in geosynchronous orbit around the Moon.
Back with the Doctor who's about to do or find something that will send him and his allies into geosynchronous orbit around the Moon as he makes up a Plan of his own. But first the Doctor really needs a lab, so rather than have one provided for him by the Army and relatively close by he's
also going up to London to use the Prof's lab in his house.
AKA: have a coincidental meeting happen.
The Brig's
just finished ordering his photo crew over for a briefing when it suddenly dawns on everyone in the room that the only civilians under twenty-five on the whole base have gone AWOL.
Well no. Sgt. Walters is a bit thick and let them go off unsupervised and without an armed escort into London "to get something for the Brigadier".
Okay, turns out none of them could drive, so they do have an escort. And Jamie's (rightly) being a stick in the mud and insisting they at least call the Doctor. And he's got literally "no idea" why they're in London in the first place either, so he's only gone along to make sure the Idiots don't do something idiotic. And seeing as how Miss Legs has her camera, the idiotic is just around the corner. What's the name for that again? Oh right. Zoe has the Idiot Ball at the moment.
Jamie's such a gallant.
Oh. Sgt. Benton was the driver. And he's now been ordered by the Brig (who has just found out via Sgt. Benton that Our Boys (still French gender rules darlings!) are now all but on top of Frollo's Villain HQ) to at least try to convince the Boys to report in. Sadly Benton's got no idea where they're at now, and Cpt. Jimmy Turner is hence ordered to the area to play Find the Idiots and Jamie.
And the Doctor hitches a ride to London with Cpt. Jimmy Turner's crew, "leav[ing his] three friends in [the Brig's] very capable hands." If this was Ten speaking he'd threaten to bring down unrighteous vengeance upon the Brig's head if so much as one hair on their heads was harmed. Two is such a calm character.
Down in the sewers, we get shots of the sewers. I think they're the real sewers and not fake sewers though. Ah, they were looking in via manhole covers.
Now here's the thing, they order Jamie down first and them climb down while he's still on the ladder.
No offence girls (offence meant) but if you're on a man-hater streak, maybe you don't want to send a man down a ladder first when you're wearing short skirts. Just a thought.
Then they're caught by a bobby in one of those proper police hats, so Sgt. Benton finds them, and they spend some time shouting down a hole in the road trying to convince Our Boys to get out of the sewers.
They don't come up. HEY WAIT! Miss Legs, if your camera is on a neck strap, why did you drop it down the manhole to Zoe, running the risk that she misses and breaks the very expensive equipment that you have, and ruining your Mission Objective? Girls: morons the lot of them.
To further the belief that women are idiots, Jamie suggests that maybe a man shouting loudly in(to) the sewers would attract the Cybermen. To which Zoe shushes Jamie (HERESY!) and says she thinks she see something up ahead.
And yep. Cyberman. I think it might be CyberLoony considering there's static playing over the scare chord. Also the Girls are ignoring Jamie's attempts to get them to retreat.
And now there's a bobby in the sewers. Perfect! He's dead then isn't he? And he had such a lovely moustache.
Also, Miss Legs was taking dozens of photos of the possibly CyberLoony,
including taking weird angle shots rather than hightailing it out of there like you were being chased by an alien!
Yep. Constable 'tache has just walked right into a pair of Cybermen, and then they used the negative film exposure to kill him. His 'tache shall be mourned.
And our Boys are cornered. And it
was the CyberLoony they saw first. He's . . . flailing around and squealing. And . . . well . . . look. The CyberLoony's acting exactly like a toddler having a tantrum, but without throwing itself on the floor flailing. And the screaming sounds more pained. (22.45) It's actually kind of heartrending. He was woken up from a cryogenic sleep, driven insane and is now lost on an alien planet, possibly trying to find some Cybermen to help it.
LOOK! I CAN IMAGINE THIS ALL I WANT, I KNOW IT WILL ALL END IN TEARS, BUT I FEEL REALLY SORRY FOR CYBERLOONY. Even if I did give him an unsympathetic nickname. But I mean it in all affection!
Oh, and those screams are also in my nightmares. Bloody Hell, the sound design is amazing. As is the lighting. And CyberLoony's actor.
End Credit Scream!
OH, AND IT'S BEING PLAYED OVER ZOOMING IN FOOTAGE OF SAID INSANE CYBERMEN FLAILING AROUND AND SCREAMING IN AGONISING PAIN! THANK YOU
DOCTOR WHO FOR ALL THE NIGHTMARES AND TERRIFYING IMAGES YOU HAVE CREATED EVER!
Jesus Christ. My mother saw this serial. She had barely turned seven when this episode aired. SEVEN!
HEY! WHERE WAS MY JAMIE/DOCTOR TOUCHING?! GIVE ME MY TOUCHY-FEELY GOODNESS!
Preview thoughts: No preview this time around.
Best Moment: Ummm, pretty much everything really, but for the scare factor I've got to go for the torture of the Cyberman (because yeah, let's face it, that's what it was) and its subsequent insanity.
Because who needs sleep? Not me!
Worst Moment: Feminism!
Best Special Effect: Not including stuff we've seen before? The Cerebral-O-matic is glorious in all its badness.
Worst Special Effect: Fabric Cybersuits with very obvious zips.
Best Actor: The usual suspects and CyberLoony! I wonder if he gets his own credit. Nope. Oooh. Terrence ***** was the script editor and Douglas Camfield directed.
Terrence ***** co-wrote 'The War games', 'The Brain of Morbeus', 'Horror of Fang Rock' and 'State of Decay' and a few other serials, wrote lots of novelisations. And also, 'The Five Doctors' was his creation too.
Oh. And lots of children's novels. I've read some of those!
And don't even get me started on
Douglas Camfield! Z-Cars,
The Sweeney,
The Professionals, helped produce the first two serials of
Doctor Who and its pilot
and loads of other really well known
Classic Who stories.
People, we are in the midst of
Doctor Who legends here.
No wonder this serial is so good with
all these names I recognise from really good things behind it. Literally.
Sorry. I got distracted. But all my usual suspects are
Best Actors here.
Worst Actor: The Girls just aren't very good. Although really that's more of a writing thing than anything, but Miss Legs' obnoxiousness just puts me off. A lot.
Most Punchable Character: No prizes for guessing that it's still Miss Legs.
Death Count: One.
Kink of the Episode: Jamie. And short skirts in general.
Thoughts overall?
I think Frollo's going insane, but in a calm, cool fashion - torture isn't really a Good Thing. I approve of his character development, he's still very clearly on top of things (even if his Secret Plan doesn't exactly work just yet) and has a very compelling presence.
Actually, now that I think about it, nothing actually
happened this episode, but it was really good padding (most of the time) that served to flesh out the characters and their motivations and actions fairly well. This review took me several hours to write, and even with all the starting and stopping it didn't feel very long, or like anything was being dragged out in an obvious fashion. This is a Good Thing.
I mean really, you could have cut this episode down to maybe five to eight minutes long and the
plot would proceed very well, but it would lose something in its atmospheric quality as well as all the things I've mentioned.
The only thing I'm honestly annoyed about (aside from the strawman's feminism) is that the Doctor and Jamie never came within more than three feet of each other after the first two minutes or so. And sadly, next episode keeps them apart too.
Backtracking to the atmosphere of this episode again, this one was all very Hammer Horror, and the sewers really do emphasise this very much. As does the sound design. Those screams. I don't know how they were made, but it was ingenious and may have involved causing pain to a small animal. Or maybe K9.
Look, you know I gush about this serial the more I watch it, and while this is definitely padding I honestly didn't realise it until I actually started thinking about the episode as a whole when I came to this bit of the review. This is some
really good padding.