Well, as far as life I guess things are well. School going okay, up to general stuff, no huge issues with family or stuff like that. But...well I guess I am not doing so well. No don't guess. I'm not. Just the last few days mostly. It's a lot of things. Some small things and some big things and I have just been almost perpetually depressed. :smallfrown: My girlfriend is having some problems with certain friends, and I can't really help her out. Part of it is the distance, part of it is that one of the guys I hate, she's calls him her best friend but from everything I have heard about him he is a crap friend. :smallmad: And the other is kinda a friend, but a friend who definitely has strong feelings for her, and he won't stop with it, despite knowing she can't and won't be with him. And so naturally I don't care for him either. :smallsigh: And I can't say all this to her, it just aggravates her more. So she tells me all this and I am helpless to console her or give advice and I can't even just listen to her vent well because I am fighting to keep thoughts she doesn't want to hear in. So yeah...nothing bad happening to me, but being so worried for her that it sucks. It doesn't matter that things will get better. It always just happens again with them.
Or one of my friends who constantly fights horrid depression, and I can't do anything for her either. Talking doesn't help her, just hanging out being a good friend isn't helping her. And there's not a lot she herself can do about it that she isn't already. So I see another update from her about how terrible she feels and worse, and she won't even respond to me messaging her, and it's the same helplessness, not able to help people very important to me and just being expected to accept that.
Not to mention all the small day to day reminders of all my doubts and regrets in life. I don't know if I will be able to get the money to move out to where my girlfriend is without her just deciding she can't wait anymore for me and moving on (we have discussed this, it is a possibility), my education online will take years to pay off after more years of failings, and just more. :smallfrown: I'm subjected to all this constantly now. And then something happens to cheer me up again, but then again something comes around and I feel down once more. And now the risings back up are not being worth as much as they were before, and yet the depressing moments are still just as bad. The cycle has just gotten worse lately.
And I guess the worst part of it all is just how no one around me seems to have any hope or faith in anything. The aforementioned depressed friend, who I see frequently as well as her family, have clearly shown that they have no hope for things being good in this world at all. The only joy they seem to have is small moments with each other, and I see them often enough that I don;t see those moments lasting long usually. Another friend is just waiting for the world to fall apart more so he can just sit back and watch, that is how certain of it he is, all his other political and moral talk aside from just that. And even my grandma that I live with considers the fact that I am so doubtful of the world and wary and cynical to just mean that I am smart in this day and age. The only person that I consistently deal closely with that has a lot more hope and optimism in the world is my girlfriend, which is wonderful and helps, but I have already mentioned some of the problems I see her dealing with, plus recently these thoughts of her just going have made even this bit of hope seem flimsy. I just...I wish I didn't have to see all this and feel all this anymore. :smallfrown: I'm not a suicide risk, I stay the heck away from those thoughts. But still some days....it just sucks.
I was very close to not writing all this. But I read the rules on the first page. Nothing is too small or inconsequential to be mentioned. So...yeah. Here is all this, to whoever read this far, and I thank you for even that much. I suppose most of this is all venting really, I'm not exactly looking for advice for the above mentioned situations. Maybe just a little advice on how I can stand this even a little longer please. If you can't that's fine. I'm not going anywhere. I already know the biggest bit of advice, speaking to a doctor. Sadly that just isn't possible right now. But I am taking steps to make it possible. So that is something. So...yeah. Done ranting now.
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No really, I finished. No more to say. All worn out.
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I have no clue why you are opening these. Maybe just because i put them here.
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I've always wanted to do one of these. Sorry. Just had to once.:smallwearysmile: No more now, honestly.