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1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (For Fun)
Let's come up with stupid/worthless magic items and sci-fi devices. I was inspired by a similar thread on /tg/ and want to see what kinds of things the Playground can come up with.
These items need not have rules. Most of them are stupid puns. This is just for giggles.
[NOTE: Items need not literally be totally useless. Just stupid and funny.]
1. Wand of Create Wand. (Comes with 1 charge, creates 1 Wand of Create Wand. Disintegrates into gas when out of charges.)
2. Orb of Detect Slope. Whenever placed upon a slope, this magical orb will indicate the steepness and direction of the slope.
3. Ring of Detect Fingers (glows in the presence of fingers.)
4. Key of Locking (whenever placed into a lock, the key locks into place and cannot be removed.)
5. Bag of Endless Puns (Once per day, reach into this small pouch to find a really bad pun written on a peice of damp parchment.)
6. The Rod of Sticking (This Rod, once picked up, will stick to things, but not in a particularly strong way. It's just pretty sticky.)
7. Temperature Detector (this device beeps if there is an ambient temperature.)
8. Beeping Box (this device looks exactly like a Temperature Detector, but it just beeps whenever turned on.)
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
9.The Dagger of Healing: You stab it into someone, and they are healed for a certain amount, but they also take the same amount as damage for being stabbed
10. The Cloak of Visibility: Just a very, very gaudy cloak
11. The Potion of Love, Half-Arsed version: Instead of falling in love with the first person you see, you fall in love with the last person you see, ever.
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
List of Mostly Useless Magic Items. From the 5e subsection, but many items are system-neutral anyway.
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
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1. Wand of Create Wand. (Comes with 1 charge, creates 1 Wand of Create Wand. Disintegrates into gas when out of charges.)
I could see a wizard designing this item while studying teleportation.
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2. Orb of Detect Slope. Whenever placed upon a slope, this magical orb will indicate the steepness and direction of the slope.
This one could be used as a level.
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4. Key of Locking (whenever placed into a lock, the key locks into place and cannot be removed.)
Single use but it might annoy pursuers.
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
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Originally Posted by
ImNotTrevor
4. Key of Locking (whenever placed into a lock, the key locks into place and cannot be removed.)
Whoever pulls the key out of its lock will become king...
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
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Originally Posted by
Millstone85
This one could be used as a level.
That was my first thought. Then I realised it was an orb, so the most obvious way it's going to indicate the gradient and direction of a slope is by rolling down it.
Having said that, some of the others could be useful in some, albeit niche, way. A glowing ring, for instance, could be useful for all sorts of reasons even if it glows all the time it's worn and doesn't "detect" anything. To an adventurer who only has space for two rings, though, I guess it's not really going to cut the mustard.
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
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Originally Posted by
goto124
The vast majority of them, I'd say. And of the comparatively few 5e-specific ones, most can be ported to any system by swapping out the name of a 5e skill for an appropriate one from the other system and/or using a system-appropriate bonus or penalty in place of Advantage/Disadvantage.
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
12: A magical ring which is red when magic is nearby and blue when it isn't. Well, the last part's theoretical, because the ring reacts to its own magic, of course.
13: A magically laden down feather. Has the weight of a lead feather.
14: Cloud remover. If you wave it around inside a raincloud, the cloud will eventually go away.
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
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Originally Posted by Aedilred
That was my first thought. Then I realised it was an orb, so the most obvious way it's going to indicate the gradient and direction of a slope is by rolling down it.
The item must be placed upon a slope. Nothing says you can't hold it in place. Just be sure to put your hand above it, not under it, or it might detect that slope instead. As for displaying the information, it would be just as obvious for a magic orb to do it crystal ball style.
Still pretty useless to a party of adventurers. But it might help set the tone of a world like Eberron.
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
15. Sword in the Stone. Whoever pulls the sword out of the stone will become the King of a long lost kingdom. The Swords stuck of course, but even if you do manage the feat, well you are the king of nothing.
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
15. The Bag of Less Holding: This bag has an interior space considerably smaller than its outside dimensions, roughly 2 centimeters in diameter at the mouth and 4 millimeters deep. The bag can hold up to 0.005 pounds, not exceeding a volume of 64 cubic nanometers. The bag weighs 15 tons, regardless of its contents. Retrieving an item from the bag requires 24 hours.
16. The Scallops of Private-Part Covering (Legendary (requires attunement by a female mermaid)): These scallop shells may be used instead of a bra to count as your underwear.
17. Wand of Bellybuttons: This wand has 4 charges (recharges 1d4 each dawn). You can expend 1 charge to create an additional bellybutton upon somebody within 15 feet, or alternatively, rob someone within 15 feet of his bellybutton. One person can have up to three bellybuttons, even with this wand's effects.
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
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Originally Posted by
hymer
14: Cloud remover. If you wave it around inside a raincloud, the cloud will eventually go away.
Adventurers can Fly, silly!
... let me guess, this "cloud remover" isn't better than any other non-magical object.
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
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Originally Posted by
goto124
Adventurers can Fly, silly!
And hang inside the cloud while it's pouring rain on them for an indefinite period? Why not just fly above the cloud, then? :smallsmile:
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
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Originally Posted by
goto124
Adventurers can Fly, silly!
Wind-shear and lightning, the reasons planes go around stormclouds.
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
18. The Cute Penguin: A wand that, when waved about, summons a penguin. On summoning, roll a d20:
01 - Emperor, Adult
02 - Emperor, Baby
03 - Emperor, Teenage aka Molting
04 - Emperor, Leucistic Adult
05 - Emperor, Leucistic Baby (this one is albinistic)
06 - King, Adult
07 - King, Baby
08 - King, Teenage aka Molting
09 - King, Leucistic Adult
10 - King, Leucistic Baby
11 - Gentoo, Adult
12 - Gentoo, Baby
13 - Gentoo, Teenage aka Molting
14 - Gentoo, Leucistic Adult
15 - Gentoo, Leucistic Baby (I also found this)
16 - African, Adult
17 - African, Baby
18 - African, Teenage aka Molting
19 - African, Leucistic Adult
20 - African, Leucistic Baby
This adorable creature will follow you around by waddling and tobogganing, sit on your lap, eat fish, honk every once a while, and generally look cute. It's useless otherwise, but who cares?
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
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Originally Posted by
goto124
18. The Cute Penguin
Aaaawwww! :smallbiggrin:
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
19. Manual of Reading: anyone who spends 1 week reading this book unassisted immediately becomes literate in the language it is written in.
20. Rock of the Kender: for every minute it is unobserved this rock will steal 1d4 random items it's carrier is carrying.
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
I updated The Cute Penguin with a bigger list of penguins, plus all the images I could find. Why did I do this?
21. Manual of Reading, The Sequel: Like the first Manual of Reading, except this book is blank.
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
22. Thought Translator: This item allows a person to think in another language. The user cannot speak or read in this language, just think in it.
23. Ring of Detect Buff: Glows in the presence of really buff dudes.
24. Ring of Detect Buff II: Glows in the presence of recently shined/waxed surfaces.
25. Ring of Detect Bluff: Glows in the presence of any steep promontory, bank, or cliff, especially one formed by river erosion on the outside bend of a meander.
26. Ring of Detect Bluff: Glows whenever the wearer is pretending to have a better hand in a card game than they really have.
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
27. Manual of Unreading: anyone who spends 1 week reading this book unassisted immediately becomes illiterate in the language it is written in.
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
28. Son Blade: only deals damage to men who's fathers are still alive. Okay, this one could be occasionally useful
29. Invisible Cloak: this cloak vanishes when a creature puts it on. All clothing, objects, and creatures under it can be seen as if the cloak was there. As can the cloak's clasp actually. Doesn't even have the decency to be a winter cloak.
30. Hat of Silliness: this hat will adjust it's design to always be the silliest in the room. I hope nobody else at the party is wearing one.
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
Does "system neutral" accept all systems or none? Anyway, I rewrote this one for D&D 5e.
31. Katana of Apparent Invincibility
Weapon (longsword), rare
You have a -4 malus to attack and damage rolls made with this magic katana. The malus is not of magical origin but the result of poor craftsmanship.
Curse. This katana is cursed, and holding the katana in your hand extends the curse to you. The katana can be held safely with long-handled tongs or in a thick glove. As long as you remain cursed, you are convinced that this katana beats all other weapons and means of offense in existence, despite any evidence to the contrary. You must keep the katana within your reach at all times, though you can willingly sheath the katana a number of hours per day equal to 12 + twice your wisdom modifier.
While you hold the katana, you are immune to the charmed and frightened conditions and you must use your action each round to either attack a hostile creature with the katana or make a DC 15 Dexterity (Acrobatics) check as you perform a stunt with the katana. On a failure with either roll, you take 1d4 slashing damage from the unnecessarily sharp crossguard of the katana.
While you do not hold the katana, a creature other than you can make an unarmed strike to deliver a swift blow to the back of your head. On a hit, you take no damage and you are no longer cursed.
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
32. Fig leaves of modesty. These somewhat-comfortable leaves can attach themselves to the owner's private regions as they desire, replacing conventional clothing. Nothing can be worn over or under the fig leaves.
33.Sword of trickery: This is a sword, cunningly disguised as another sword of similar make. You have a 4+ bonus to conceal with weapon, so long as you conceal it as a different sword.
34. Hydra's teeth. comes in bags with 2d4 teeth. Upon being thrown into soil, they immediately develop into the skeletons of warriors...which don't; do anything, as they're just skeletons. After 5+1d6 rounds, all skeletons decay into ash, or immediately upon casting a necromancy spell.
35. Pendant of failure: once per day, the owner of this pendant can replace any natural roll with a result of a natural one.
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
You know what, I'm going to try and go with sci-fi.
36. Remote Sensor Null Field Projector: Projects a field that hides all thing within it from all but the most exotic of sensors. Unfortunately the field itself has a broad band energy signature.
37. Tech. Scanner: Scans for signs of technology, the warning light will go on if it detects any electromagnetic disturbance nearby. Bug Fixes: No longer detects itself! (Still goes off near any creature that has electrochemical nervous systems however.)
38. Super Nova Bombs: If fired into the heart of a star will cause the star to go supernova. Has a tendency to melt as it approaches stars.Proto-Type Sun Crusher missiles.
39. Self-Replicating Nano-Bots: Nano Bots that replicate themselves... and that's it.
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
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Originally Posted by
Cluedrew
You know what, I'm going to try and go with sci-fi.
36. Remote Sensor Null Field Projector: Projects a field that hides all thing within it from all but the most exotic of sensors. Unfortunately the field itself has a broad band energy signature.
37. Tech. Scanner: Scans for signs of technology, the warning light will go on if it detects any electromagnetic disturbance nearby. Bug Fixes: No longer detects itself! (Still goes off near any creature that has electrochemical nervous systems however.)
38. Super Nova Bombs: If fired into the heart of a star will cause the star to go supernova. Has a tendency to melt as it approaches stars.Proto-Type Sun Crusher missiles.
39. Self-Replicating Nano-Bots: Nano Bots that replicate themselves... and that's it.
That last one's pretty much the Grey Goo doomsday scenario...
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
The Ring of Fate: The wearer's name is legally changed to Fate.
Trench Coat of Inconspicuousness: The wearer is made inconspicuous, but only in the presence of a crowd of people in trench coats. Otherwise, everyone notices them and assumes they are either a flasher or are hiding weapons.
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
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Originally Posted by
Anonymouswizard
28. Son Blade: only deals damage to men who's fathers are still alive. Okay, this one could be occasionally useful
28. Son Blade: Only deals damage to men whose fathers are still alive. Since the blade is transphobic, "men" actually means "biologically male creatures". Okay, this one could be occasionally useful
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
I wrote the first three for a contest in The Space Gamer, years ago:
29. Ring of Invulnerability: The ring can never be destroyed.
30. Quarterstaff of Never-breaking: When used as a weapon, this stout oaken staff turns into a bolt of raw silk.
31. Coin of Indecision: A gold coin with "Yes" on one side and "No" on the other. If flipped when asking a question, it always lands on its edge.
32. Heward's Unhandy Haversack: The haversack can hold twelve times its size in gear. When you attempt to reach into it to retrieve an item, that item is always on the bottom.
33. Ioun stone of Hiding: Gives +5 to Move Silently and Hide skills, which would be more useful if you didn't have a shining stone rotating around you at the same time.
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
29. The Sword of Zalda: A powerful enchanted sword that only works on somebody named Zalda.
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Re: 1001 Worthless Magic Items/Devices! (System Neutral)
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Originally Posted by
Jay R
32. Heward's Unhandy Haversack: The haversack can hold twelve times its size in gear. When you attempt to reach into it to retrieve an item, that item is always on the bottom.
That's very handy, the item I want is always at the same place!