Campaign Quotes, No Context Edition VII: (Edited for less context)

Prior Threads~
Here (I), Here (II), Here (III), Here (IV), Here (V), and Here(VI).

doc: that's not supposed to go there!
belsunce: isn't that what a mechanic is supposed to say?
louka: meh, the human body is a beautiful machine.

Sarah's snuck into enough movies to know that this can only end in one of two ways: She's not particularly interested in murdering a high school while covered in animal blood and she's too young for the other thing.

Playing Exalted. Some choice quotes so far...

ST: So... yeah. You got nine silver XP for making that one burger.
P1: Welcome to the crafting system, enjoy your stay.

P1: Meat sword. Not the kinky kind; the deadly kind.

P2: After all, it's not unlikely the circle (or at least the abolitionist members) may have to clash with the Guild.
P3: WHAT'S THIS?! CAPITALISM!?
ST: Capitalism ho!
P2: Burgermerchant and [P3's char], the capitalism hoes!
P3: MalReynoldsSpeechless.gif

P2: Can Hungry Ghosts enjoy burgers?

DM: you find 9 recoverable spears among the dead sahaugin
Me: great. How soon can I cut a few to length and start training Rizzo and his mousefolk kin to defend themselves?

They’re playing Secret Hitler at the historical wargaming table!

GM: *upon realizing that a high level animation spell that one of the player was planning on taking would be large enough to animate an entire mansion* When you said you wanted settlement building, this wasn't quite what I had in mind.

me: vb, could you please get your butt out of my field of view?
vb: come on, it's almost as attractive as my wife's!

dahrzull: vb, mind getting your butt out of my screen?
me: told you!
vb: that was the grenade's fault...

vb: gui, your butt is ruining my aim!
me: it was the grenade, i swear!
dahrzull: sorry about that.

i love dying light. i hate friendly fire, but those quotes are worth it.

Scientist PC: so ooc question since I missed the first hour, are we still on planet communism?

Spoiler

Show

Gathur Silkfire (Bard) is a recent addition to the team.

... it was one of those nights.

PC 1: Is a halfling part panda?
PC 2: No, you're thinking of Ling Ling
PC 1: So, are they one-quarter panda?

Symeon-OOC: So the gnome does a cannon-ball dive into the swimming pool
Arksbane-OOC: As the gnome dives in, Arksbane casts Vision of Hell on the pool
Killian-OOC: Killian lays back in the Hellpool, with a cocktail in hand
Symeon-OOC: We need to add an illusion of the drink being on fire
Killian-OOC: Oh, that turns it into real "fire water"

DM: The water of the pool has healing properties. For example if there are kinks in the back ...
Gathur-OOC: No! We're in another room!
DM: *facepalms*

Player 1 - "I'll cast speak with animals to wingman the bull with one of the cows."

__________________

Player 1 - "Why did I let you two go off on your own?"

Me - "You had to get back to wingman for the bull..."

__________________

GM - "You realise you're walking in a straight line, and that's never happened before."

Player 2 - "I've never walked in a straight line before!"

D&D

AEthelwyn: Should I add some brass gears?

Lizard!Magnis [OOC]: I'm envisioning myself being this extremely masculine dragon.
***several days later***
AEthelwyn [OOC]: *Is struck by a most disturbing mental image of a dragon with a messy beard and giant pectoral muscles sticking through his scales*


Dark Heresy
Spezzal-Furs: I come back from a hard day of hunting Eldar on our ship and find that you guys have stolen a tank!

World Eaters Terminator: I bet you a skull that our guy wins.
Mishka: Deal.

Mishka: I feel kind of bad about blowing up his spaceship. He was a nice guy.

Warlock: Here's the plan. We break into the castle, find Ireena, and rescue her from Strahd. Then we beat the tar out of her til she's almost dead, then use all of our illusion magic to disguise ourselves as her. Add a couple mirror images, and voila, a room full of badly injured Ireenas. Strahd won't risk hurting her, so we can all just walk out!
DM: Wait, say that plan again?

Cleric: “These are undead puppies, they are not the cute puppies. They are bad dogs.”
Paladin: “All dogs are good dogs.”

Sarah: "...So... Either we're in the matrix or we've stumbled into some kind of radically different parallel reality? ...Are we going to have to murder a tyrannical God-King? Please tell me that we are because I've had the weirdest urge to murder an overpowered jackass on an ego trip for a while now."

Koutarou: "I wouldn't be so quick to assume there's an overpowered jackass behind this. Or that if there is, that we can win. I also have no idea what this "Matrix" you refer to is."

Sarah: "...A shared dream of a false reality controlled by a person on the outside, which can be recognized by things that don't make sense. Like seeing a dozen identical snowflakes."

Much, much later.

Sarah: "...Me not dumb. You do bad to me, then you dumb. Me eat you and puke you back up just to make you hurt. Agree or no... dice? Head hurt, hungry, not brain well."

Myrmidon, disgraced town guard turned hardened fighter: So, how does Selûne feel about gambling? Sinful/not sinful?
Azora, professed moon-worshipper: Why? Thinking about confessing your sins?
Myrmidon: No. But there's no point converting if they don't allow fun.

"Look, unless you know how to sneak into a sanctuary or why an American girl without a drop of non-white blood has a Japanese-named sword spirit, I ain't got no business with you."

Charity: "You're my favorite dad."
Doc: "Uh, I'm your only dad."
Charity: "And that made picking favorites easy."

Charity: "Brushing my teeth made me think of all the times I threw up yesterday."
Doc: "It reminded you of throwing up?"
Charity: "No, just the brushing teeth part did."

dm: badgers aren't projectiles!
kami: they are if you've got my strength score!

free: anything is lunch if you're brave enough.
korinn: crazy enough, more like.
josé: jury's out on that one in our case.

dm: josé! what did i say about teabagging demons?!
josé: no more than my attacks this round?

While looking at minis on the table:
"Oh my good, look at the butt on this ogre! Did you paint the buttcrack or did it come with it?"
"Look at this one, his ass looks sculpted."

"And let's face it, do you want Hell under the control of a borderline edgelord teenager?"

Charity: "Oatmeal raisin cookies are the Dark Souls mimics of cookies."

Newly-infected Wereraven Warlock: Is that how lycanthropy is spread? I thought it was through bites.... oh...
Warlock's Wereraven boyfriend: *looks at floor, blushes in embarassment*
Monk: We left you alone for one night! ONE NIGHT
Cleric: At least it wasn't chlamydia


Ranger: So in the first corner we have Team Bird, with a kenku ranger, a newly-infected Wereraven Warlock, and her Wereraven boyfriend.
Cleric: Then we have Team Elf, with our full elf cleric and the two half-elves.
Paladin: The Agents Keeblar?
Monk: NO
Other Paladin: And finally, we have Team Cat, with our Tabaxi druid, our paladin who thinks she's a cat, and an actual Sabre-tooth Tiger.
DM: So you're... what? BCE?
Cleric: Nah. Varying degrees of people

This is over a couple of sessions.

Vocalae: Can you cast prestitididigate on me to clean my clothes?
Vorn: Not until you can pronounce the word correctly.
Vocala: Prestigate? Presditidigate? [several more tries] Prestidigitate?
Vorn: *casts the spell*

Nacris, OOC: I pity the poor stonemason when all the guards start checking the insides of rocks for drugs.

Vocala: Don't worry, it's clean
Vorn: Says the woman who slept cuddling a rat!
Vocala: I didn't know he was there, and I discarded him afterwards.
Vorn: Oh, so you just use men until they're not useful for you anymore.

NPC Werebear: The rest of the were-animals don't really like non-were-animals, so they're getting pretty antsy at your presence. You should probably leave.
Nacris: That's okay, Vorn's racist too.
Vorn: Exactly how is telling them that supposed to help?

Nacris: Why are you still breathing?
Vocala: Oh, right. Thanks! I should stop now.

Vocala: I leveled up, so I'm going to learn pres-[mumble]-gate!
DM: You can't cast it until you can pronounce it correctly.
Vocala: [continues struggling]
Queen, who's player is a non-native english speaker who has never played the game before: You mean prestidigitation?
DM: Queen, you now know the Prestidigitation cantrip. Despite playing a Ranger.

Vocala: Since it's been a few days, I'm down to 5 pocket sausages.

Vorn: Just so you know, the city we're just about to enter is extremely strict about magic use. Do not, under any circumstances, cast any spell. Not even a cantrip.
*Five minutes pass*
Nacris: Vocala, I'm not going to let you go off and talk to a smuggler in prison by yourself. We can't deal with you getting arrested.
Vocala: You can trust me!
DM: Vocala, you feel something hit your hair.
Vocala: I cast pres-
Nacris: NO!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Comissar

Player 1 - "I'll cast speak with animals to wingman the bull with one of the cows."

__________________

Player 1 - "Why did I let you two go off on your own?"

Me - "You had to get back to wingman for the bull..."

__________________

GM - "You realise you're walking in a straight line, and that's never happened before."

Player 2 - "I've never walked in a straight line before!"

---

Same player:
"Darn it, i shouldn't have fed all the stun guns to cats!"

Sarah suddenly has memories of being an ordinary pig, then a really hungry pig, then being butchered and accidentally fed to a human girl.

Paladin, clutched in the talons of a hungry Roc flying into the sunset: "It's ok bard! We're going on an adventure together!"
Wereraven bard, also clutched in the talons of a hungry Roc flying into the sunset: *screams in terror*

GM: You know this urchin is the son of the town drunkard. He's beloved by all the shopkeepers in the market. They would all adopt him in a heartbeat if anything happened to his dad.

STRIX: Is he human?

GM:...yes

STRIX: M'kay then

You notice with absolute clarity that the wall is moving. You can see each section move and writhe about seeming to call to you, and as you do you feel a presence watching from afar. Roll a will save.

malax mendez: "i seductively play with my abacus."

even with context, it makes no sense. hell, it's been 7 hours and i still can't figure it out.

MONK: Screw rescuing the dwarves! We're in it to kill goblins! No goblin lives matter!

WIZARD: Cast Charm Person.
SAMURAI: Did you do that out loud?
DM: I didn't see a Stealth check.
SAMURAI: <slaps self>
DM: Hey Monk, does an 18 hit you?


DM: He's charmed but you still have to persuade him to let you tie him up.
SORCERER: I'm a changeling with 20 CHA, I get naked and say "Hey, let's get tied up!"
MALE PLAYERS: Bwahahaha!
FEMALE PLAYERS: ...


HUNTER: I'm still in the woods looking for my animal companion.
RANGER: I'm with him, I hold up a badger. "Is this it? Hurry it's spraying"
HUNTER: Speak With Animals, I hear the badger cursing him.