This made me go do research. Before now I'd only used "dived" (as opposed to "dove") in past-perfect constructions, but according to every source I have, the two words are actually identical and "dived" is considered the more correct. So good job.
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He saw shining sigils, symbols of war and peace, of law and chaos, flying around him at first. Then dark red pentagrams emerged from the portal, coating him in darkness and smoke.
The part I bolded seems awkward and unnecessary. We've got these images kaleidoscoping through the air, so "flying around him" doesn't give much more information, and the "at first" is simply awkward--it reveals too early (in my
humblefantastic opinion) that the images he's seeing will change--saying that he sees something BUT OH WAIT SOON IT WILL BE SOMETHING ELSE all within the same sentence doesn't have a very strong effect. Better is just "...law and chaos. Then they were replace by dark red pentagrams emerging from the portal, coating him in..."
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He cried out once, then was silent as the leering images overtook him.
I have difficulty picturing a "leering" pentagram. Also, the pentagrams themselves are kind of cliche. Double also, why is he crying out? There's no stated reason for this, or for the symbols doing bad things besides obscuring him from sight--if something's happening to him, we should know about it!
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A grey portal in the shape of a four-pointed star emerged from the writhing air of the half-dead plane.
This is great. I'd like to see "portal" replaced with something as descriptive as the rest of the passage, though.
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The commander fell from it, easily landing on the soft red soil of the dark plane.
I get the impression that he didn't land on his feet (after all, last we heard of im he was screaming, and also elsewhere. For that matter, a *** sort of section break might be appropriate before this paragraph, since we're plane-shifting.). The "easily" makes it seem like he's just effortlessly hopping out of the portal, which is pretty incongruous with someone who was just screaming and being eaten by pentagrams.
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The demon-guards better not spot him, or he was toast. Then he'd never report to his master.
This is really awkward; our narrator has not been omniscient up until this point, and suddenly we're getting stilted inner dialogue. Make this a proper internal thought or get rid of it, in my opinion.
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his features became more and more demonic in the red light of the fuming torches that lit the dark realm.
After hours of darting past lone sentries
...but... you can't leave me hanging like that! Is he actually becoming more demonic, or is it a trick of the light? That's the kind of thing that's pretty important to let the reader know!
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he spotted the bleached white fortress that was the home of his master. His master had carved it out of the skull of his predecessor as the Lord of Karanta while his opponent was still living.
We need another name for this guy really badly. Also, (un)holy badass castle, Batman! The castle itself is great, but the second sentence here could be rephrased; it's pretty hard to read.
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giant demon caused the ground to shudder. However, the demons of the plane were more pragmatic then that, and ignored the deathless heartbeat of the elder demon.*
That's an awful lot of that word. I realize we're in Hell, but really. Also, what is that asterisk doing there?
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the commander shrugged it off. But then he did a double-take
This is probably the most awkward possible double-take. You want it to read as a sudden realization, but putting a period after "shrugged it off" closes that thought, and "but" is a bad way to reopen it ("but" should also never be the first word in a sentence). "The commander was about to dismiss it as such a heartbeat when he noticed the true cause of the shaking ground."
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Standing, ghastly in the infernal light from greasy torches their leaders carried, were millions of demonic denizens.
I like this a lot, except for "Standing", which is a fine word but sort of needs something else with it--if you just said "Before him, ghastly in the etc" I'd assume that they're standing.
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whipped from behind by the cowardly imp-soldiers.
"cowardly imp-soldiers" don't strike me as taskmasters with whips.
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averaging ten feet tall
So he's taking the time to identify all the berserkers, measure each of them, and do an average?
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patchwork armor that was covered in abyssal blood
Extra words reduce clarity.
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Behind them all, the blood-giants marched
Blood giants marching while the rest are standing seems like a recipe for disaster (for everyone but the blood giants). Reading on a paragraph, we find that the army is, in fact, marching--so why did you start the paragraph with "standing"? (and you have them standing in a couple other places, too).
ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTERISKS!
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He nimbly hid behind two boulders
nooo. "nimbly hid" is so bland, and doesn't give the reader any credit. You're telling us what the consequences of his actions were, and telling us how to evaluate them. Instead, just show the actions themselves; him spotting the army, eyes widening, leaping behind a boulder.
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evil horrors uncounted by rank and file went by.
Well, there are definitely millions of them. And few enough berserkers to average. :smallwink:
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taller than the mountain that the commander hid on the slopes of
awkward.
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cased in black armor and carrying a sword as big as a warship that emitted an aura of pain and torture strode in yards-wide strides, came up behind his army.*
Sword the size of a warship: awesome. "emitted an aura of pain and torture" = you're telling again. Who even knows this fact? Does the commander know about the sword already? If so, why wouldn't we just learn that outright? Reading ahead we learn that he does, and that reveal is fine, but this kind of telling is just really awkward--there's no basis for the reader knowing that. "
strode in yards-wide
strides, came up behind his army.*" Besides the repetition, you've also got too many verbs. If the sentence is getting away from
you, the chances of your readers understanding it are pretty slim.
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The huge demon turned to him, red eyes blazing with soot and flame.
I'm not sure what "blazing with soot" looks like, but I don't really mind it here. The image isn't clear, but the feeling is.
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The deomn lord's voice was louder than an explosion.
Give me a more direct comparison; this feels clunky. Again, you're using a lot of unnecessary words. You can just say "his voice was an explosion" and we'll get it.
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They currently were in the features of a bestial smile.
What? I mean, I know what you mean, but this is just awkward ("his teeth... were in the features of a ... smile"???)
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"YEAH, LIKE A PERSONIFICATION OF CHAOS KEEPS DEALS ALL THE TIME."
Is he... really this sarcastic? Sarcasm doesn't come across as threatening. At all.
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"I. Will. Kill. You. So. Freaking. Hard."
This is well done (but I'd replace "freaking" with a setting-appropriate analogue. No time like the present for world-building!
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I AM SOUL-BOUND TO YOU, SO I CAN CONTROL YOU WHENEVER I WANT.
"you are soul-bound to me". If the demon is the "bound" one, that implies the warlock in a position of control.
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The commander sighed and widened the portal.
How? Again, show us the actions; don't tell us the result.
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a cloaked figure wove through the shadows to his countrymen.*
"You!"
"Yes, me. I know what you saw; I made a deal with the demon lord to try to save you, and it backfired. You can join me to fight the evils I have unleashed, or you can escape and try to resist them in hiding. Your choice."
His voice was weary but full of his former nobility and strength. His eyes scanned the crowd of warriors.
I know we're supposed to be somewhat in the dark here, but giving the reader
no information about
either person in the conversation just makes me lose interest int eh conversation, because it's happening between people I don't know and therefore can't care about.
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About twenty of the very best stepped out and fanned around him, forming into a guard around him. The eldest of them, a mage only known as Old Timothy, rumbled, "We're with you."
How do we know? Again, random-yet-trivial omniscience from the narrator is disconcerting.
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They were disgusted at their former commander, and didn't care about him any more. They just wanted to save their lives and as many civilians as possible with them.
Yes, obviously, since they just left. Take these two sentences out and replace them with description of the journey to the docks, or a few specific actions that showcase their disgust.
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The devils had reduced the demons in number greatly but fled
You're mixing tenses here because of the weird construction. "...greatly reduced the demons in number, but were eventually routed".
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dispatch with the puny humans.
You dispatch things; you don't dispatch with them.
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The warlock channeled all of his strength and leaped at the demon's eye, swinging his fist with fury. The human burst through the flames that were his outer eyes, landed in the area that was his slimy inner eye. With savage fury, he bit and clawed into the center of the eye socket, tearing into the demon lord's brain.
The demon howled and tore at the eye, ripping deep into his own brain. The mountainous demon collapsed, fires spurting from his dead eyes. The dying, powerless, deep-burnt commander walked out of the eye and grimly smiled with his remaining teeth.
This could stand to be expanded a bit; you've also got a lot of your usual word repetition making it kind of stilted to read. One specific thought: the commander just walks back out, but he's missing a few teeth? Have him crawl or stagger or something; anything but "walked".
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The final fight for Kyloria was on, and, though it was doomed, it would go out in a bang.
This is a weird phrasing; can a fight "go out with a bang"?
And really, where did all these come from?
Sorry for seeming super-critical on this one; it's really just the same couple things in several places, but they're things that really bug me so I feel compelled to point them out every single time. Don't get me wrong--I definitely enjoyed this snippet; I really want to see the events that led up to all this mayhem. Sounds like quite an adventure.