The "Rolled a 1" Game III - I Don't Want to Set This Thread on Fire

You decide to expose yourself to a concentrated bust of radioactive particles in order to give yourself superpowers. After all, it worked in all those comic books you... oh, wait. You just melted. Oops.

I roll to clean the nasty reddish goo out of the particle accelerator.

You eat the nasty red goo and turn into nastier red goo. And now the red goo is self-replicating...

I roll to prevent an NK-class "Grey Goo" scenario by deploying all the MTFs and having them shoot at the goo.

The SCP Foundation gives up on the current timeline. They use SCP-2003 in advance to go to an earlier date to rig the particle accelerator, making it explode before Ironsmith can get melted in it. The sabotage is blamed on Asmotherion and the superheated plasma he made in the coffee pot.

I roll to stop Ironsmith from wrecking another timeline.

Um... it was like this when I got here.

I roll to blaive.

You start a J-Rock band. You find a vocalist named Jeckyll, a guitarist named Pretty and a drummer named Sorrow. They make thoroughly average perform checks and your Youtube channel sucks.

I roll to insert unnecessary apostrophes everywhere.

You completely butcher your attempt at speaking Klingon by not including enough apostrophes. You just inadvertently told the Klingon ambassador that his mother is a disgusting pile of garbage who sleeps with wild animals. He tears your head off with his bare hands.

I roll to reattach Dr. Gunsforhands’s head.

You remove the guns on his arms.

I roll to upgrade Dr. Gunsforhands by attaching tank cannons to his arms.

Now I have heads for hands and a cannon for a head!

I roll to make friends with the head on my other arm.

It’s actually a Tyrannosaurus Rex head and it bites your regular head off.

I roll to get a picture of the Loch Ness Monster.

...Moose, that's a pickle.

I roll to make memes.

You get turned into a shadow demon at 2am looking for BEANS.

I roll to get infinite good karma.

You start by brutally killing 15 puppies, 7 kittens and a baby. Well, I suppose you get plenty of some kind of karma...

I roll to track down the homicidal maniac responsible for the murders of a small child and 22 family pets.

...Moose.

That is a pickle.


I roll to find the Pet Semetary.

Ironsmith, that's a pickle factory.

I role to write about SCP-586 without making a typo somewhere.

You type with your fingers offset one key to the right and thus get every single letter wrong before you notice.

I roll to comprehend the report bug_sniper wrote.

You go mad from trying to comprehend what this eldritch tome has truly become.

I roll to cure Dire Moose's pickle problem.

You cure a pickle of its dire moose problem. No, I don't mean Dire Moose; I'm talking about a completely different moose, which happens to be dire.

I roll to find a pickle.

You find a dire moose. It tramples, bites, and gores you.

I roll to figure out where I am.

Moose.

That is not a compass.

It is a pickle.

I roll to summon the unholy elder god Cthulhu.

You summon a pickled sea cucumber.

I roll an athletics check to run away from the pickles.

You trip over a pickle, into a pickle bucket, which tips over and rolls down the street into a pickle truck bound for the pickle warehouse.

I roll to get my name changed to Dr. T. Rexhead.

Your name is changed to "Mister Treexhead". You heard that right; no doctorate for you!

I roll to go build something.

...Ironsmith, that's a pickle.

I roll to change the pickles to olives.

Georger0171.

Those are bananas.

I roll to do a high dive.

You attempt to dive into a pool of pickle brine, naturally. You actually end up diving into concrete. From eighty feet up.

I roll to lure someone to my workbench.

2 hours later, a party of 4 adventurers fell into your pickling vat.

I roll to open a door to get out of here.

In your haste, you tear the door handle out of the door and knock yourself unconscious with it.

I roll to reattach the door handle.

Sure. You just get your screwdriver pickle and use it to screw the doorknob pickle back into the door other pickle.

I roll to terminate the running gag.

You attempt to gag a running Terminator. It objects to this and shoots you.

I roll to create a documentary about prehistoric creatures.

You create Jurassic Park and get sued for 300 billion dollars, your soul, and your firstborn child.

I roll to object to the lawsuit, Phoenix Wright style.