Quote:
Originally Posted by
Thanqol
GETTIN' MAH REVIEW ON
Amishpirate's untitled whatever thing:
P1:
Punchline in the first sequence is lacking; a confused cough isn't funny. I think a lost question from somepony struggling to keep up would be better.
Aye, I can do better than that. Good catch.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Thanqol
"Polymorphed ponies"? Polymorphed into what?
I honestly thought specifying didn't matter here, as the sentiment is more, "spells could transform ponies into dangerous creatures, and they do not always behave rationally." But perhaps there is a better way to show this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Thanqol
Huh what? The sentences don't follow
It's saying that there are formal places where the students could hypothetically hold swanky parties, but those areas are off-limits to them. Does that make more sense, or should I change it?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Thanqol
The full stop, "Then again" transition is jarring. Think about it and verbalise it and come up with a more natural phrasing.
Same problem here.
And here
There is a time and place for the full stop. This is not one of them either.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Thanqol
Missing end quotation
Typo
Inconsistent "her"/referent
More good catches
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Thanqol
Overall;
Nothing stood out to me as wrong or inconsistent (with the disclaimer that I'm tired and not fully engaged with the world). I'm not hooked yet; I haven't encountered that moment that commits me completely to the story, but that doesn't mean it won't come. I don't think it should be delayed too much longer; the intro is solid, but now it's time to drop us into the real body of the story. Keep at it!
You're touching on my biggest worry for this story. See, because my Twilight isn't really ShowTwilight, I
need these opening scenes to show the reader what she is like. Set the stage, establish characters, start up long-running plots, those sorts of things. Unfortunately, that also means we're three chapters in and just barely getting to the meat of the story. And even the meat of the story, if you'll remember some of the chats we've had about it, is going to be a slow boil anyway. I'd say I should make this intro sequence shorter, but I just don't know what to cut. Maybe I should re-focus, re-write, get a better grasp of what makes these characters worth following, something to get more bang with less buck in these chapters? I honestly don't know, and that really worries me.
Thanks for looking this over, another pair of eyes is always appreciated.