Relationship Woes and Advice 21: Time To Go Bar-Hopping

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Serpentine

Can't give you any, but I feel ya.
But how old are you? Cuz it is okay to just have some not-serious stuff, especially in, say, high school.

---

As long as she's up front with the guy that it's not going to be "serious" stuff. While not everyone in HS is interested in serious relationships, some people are(I dated my wife when she was in 11th grade, and married her several days BEFORE she graduated HS), and if he's one of them, he could end up very hurt if he goes into it thinking this is a "serious" thing, and she doesn't feel the same.

To me though, It sounded more like a college-type thing, which is even more-so of a "Be up front and tell him it's not serious" if you're not serious. Other then that, do what your heart tells you. If it's conflicted, ask him for some time to think it over, and try to figure out if you are interested what-so-ever. If he really likes you/enjoys your company, he won't mind being asked to wait for a little while(as the old saying goes "Good things come to those who wait").

@Ceric: Here's my advice. And believe it or not, this is really very hard advice to follow. Most people don't get it, and even if you remind them constantly, they tend to screw up, but I want you to listen, and I want you to try anyway.

Do what makes you happy.

Don't do what makes you feel socially accepted. Don't do what makes you feel a sense of self-worth. Don't do what makes you feel safe.

Do what makes you happy.

And be honest with everyone.

That's romance (and, well, life) in a nutshell. When you're flopping about uncertainly like a Magikarp that just got sent in against a level 60 Venusaur (don't worry, you're getting XP and you'll totally be a Gyrados someday), just go back to the basics. Do what makes you happy, and be honest with everyone. If spending time with this guy makes you happy, then screw all life has told you about relationships being difficult. Just spend more time with him.

After a bit, you'll have narrowed down your problems to nice specific ones.

That's where we come in.

See you soon :smallbiggrin:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Ceric

I want to give him a chance. He's really nice and he's kinda cute too. But I don't want to lead him on >.>

---

It's been said already, but I just want to reiterate: whatever you decide, make sure you don't lead him on. That's never a nice thing to do. Do what you feel is best for you, but make sure he is aware of the situation.

Other than that, I can only say good luck :smallsmile:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by DeadManSleeping

When you're flopping about uncertainly like a Magikarp that just got sent in against a level 60 Venusaur (don't worry, you're getting XP and you'll totally be a Gyrados someday), just go back to the basics.

---

That is the nerdiest and most accurate advice I've heard all year :smalltongue:

2nd-year in college. So I guess I'm still at the not-serious stage. He's a 5th-year though if it makes a difference...

Okay so... go on a few dates, feel out how I feel about him, see what that leads to, and above all make sure he knows how I feel so I don't lead him on? :smallsmile:

I didn't think of this earlier, but it's possible that a lot of my problem is because I actually like being single... Not necessarily that I don't like him but that I might not want a relationship at all right now >.> So that's the part I really have to figure out :smallredface:

Thanks, everyone :smallsmile:

Well, I can't see how the bit where he's at an age where either A. he's settling in to being a womanizer in the long term or he's starting to consider getting serious about relationships would be completely irrelevant to everything, but I can't really think of a way that it would really have anything pertinent in regards to whether you wanted him.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Feytalist

It's been said already, but I just want to reiterate: whatever you decide, make sure you don't lead him on. That's never a nice thing to do. Do what you feel is best for you, but make sure he is aware of the situation.

---

Yeah, considering you've apparently been physically reciprocating bycuddling with him, it's possible that it's already too late for you to have clean hands in this regard, Ceric, but it seems like something that bears establishing regardless.

So, my situation seems to have worked itself out, as the girl I made out with seems to be focusing a lot of her attention on another guy. So, um, yay? :smallsigh: Back to square one...

Despite my best efforts at scouting ahead, it appears I have fallen victim to the old-fashioned "I have something going on with someone else". Finally plucked up the courage to ask out a girl I've been crushing on for a few months out for a cup of coffee.

Ah well. Too bad, so sad.

Mmm. So. I attempted to, y'know, talk to a girl with the intention of trying to be her friend because we had a lot of things in common, or so I thought.

And she flat up rejected me.

And that was the magical moment. I realised that had I stopped caring if one single girl doesn't like me enough to want to be friends. Plenty of fish in the sea and all that jazz.

It actually feels kinda liberating NOT letting rejection get me down :V

(posted in the wrong topic to start, oops)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Moonshadow

Mmm. So. I attempted to, y'know, talk to a girl with the intention of trying to be her friend because we had a lot of things in common, or so I thought.

And she flat up rejected me.

And that was the magical moment. I realised that had I stopped caring if one single girl doesn't like me enough to want to be friends. Plenty of fish in the sea and all that jazz.

It actually feels kinda liberating NOT letting rejection get me down :V

(posted in the wrong topic to start, oops)

---

Shame you moved it, Moony. There's one or two folks that could have learned a lot from you. Keep that cheerful outlook on the world and I guarantee you won't be single for long! :smallsmile:

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Moonshadow

Mmm. So. I attempted to, y'know, talk to a girl with the intention of trying to be her friend because we had a lot of things in common, or so I thought.

And she flat up rejected me.

---

Yeah, there's self esteem and then there's being full of yourself. Always weird to run into people like that, but, definitely better off letting them inflict themselves on other people, yeah.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by The Succubus

Shame you moved it, Moony. There's one or two folks that could have learned a lot from you. Keep that cheerful outlook on the world and I guarantee you won't be single for long! :smallsmile:

---

Oh, uh, I really wouldn't call me cheerful <_<;;; And I moved it because I didn't want to make things worse. Things are kinda heated in that topic at the moment, and I don't want to make anyone else feel bad :/

And I'm okay with being single, really. I still have lots of things to work out for myself, so if something happens, cool. If nothing happens, that's cool too.

It's nice, but... I guess I don't need someone else in order to validate myself?

I just wish I'd learned these things sooner <_<;

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Coidzor

Yeah, there's self esteem and then there's being full of yourself. Always weird to run into people like that, but, definitely better off letting them inflict themselves on other people, yeah.

---

Mmm. It's okay. I do understand that I am not everyone's cup of tea. But I'm okay with that. I'm just not gonna take it to heart :smallsmile: Best thing to do, really.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by The Succubus

Keep that cheerful outlook on the world and I guarantee you won't be single for long! :smallsmile:

---

You can be cheerful and still be incredibly undesirable. Even the most cheerful person can be single until the day they die. It's not like people choose the partner with the biggest smile.

And sure people don't need a relationship to validate themselves. It's a fact though that human beings are hard wired to desire companionship and being in love is a magical experience incomparable to any other. Not being in a relationship doesn't necessarily lead to unhappiness, but you're really missing out if you die without ever being loved.

Seriously, the only reason people want us to stop feeling down is because they don't want to be reminded of the fact that the world is a negative place. It's like the people who think the homeless shouldn't show their faces because it ruins the pristine environment of their hometown.

The world is a negative place BECAUSE of people who consider it negative. People who, when bad things happen to them, do bad things to someone else to get their own back.

People who consider the world a happier place do something that makes them happy when something bad happens, and ADD to the amount of happy in the world.

And if you do nothing but just let the anger stew inside you for as long as you possibly can? :smalltongue:

So.

I have a date.

It may not be for little while because of family issues, her basically being her grandmothers carer at the moment, but it will be happening.

I.
Am.
Happy.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by AtlanteanTroll

And if you do nothing but just let the anger stew inside you for as long as you possibly can? :smalltongue:

---

You become like me.

Don't become like me.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Coidzor

You become like me.

Don't become like me.

---

Anger leads to suffering... suffering leads to...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mr. Mud

Anger leads to suffering... suffering leads to...

---

a lust for take fives.

And a lust for take fives leads to gaining about 20 pounds.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Coidzor

a lust for take fives.

And a lust for take fives leads to gaining about 20 pounds.

---

♫ Eat, Eat, Eat: Eat the pain away!" ♫ :elan:.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by term1nally s1ck

The world is a negative place BECAUSE of people who consider it negative. People who, when bad things happen to them, do bad things to someone else to get their own back.

People who consider the world a happier place do something that makes them happy when something bad happens, and ADD to the amount of happy in the world.

---

That's an extremely simplistic interpretation of life.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by term1nally s1ck

The world is a negative place BECAUSE of people who consider it negative.

---

Therefore, the world is not really negative, you just consider it negative :smallconfused:?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mr. Mud

Therefore, the world is not really negative, you just consider it negative :smallconfused:?

---

That's the idea of perception. The problem is, it's also the same idea behind delusion.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Coidzor

You become like me.

Don't become like me.

---

Eh? Why not?

The idea 'The world is a negative place' is a concept that you will always get out of life less than the effort you put in. This results in an attempt to minimise your losses, which means for each setback you must try and find a way to minimise your fallout for that setback.

If you think completely that you get more out of life than you put in, then it's extremely obvious that if you have something bad happen to you, you can easily make it up by doing something good for yourself. This means that the people who want to take petty revenge over issues, who pass on their woes and unhappiness to others, are the ones who subscribe at least partially to the first theory. They're causing the negative feedback by trying to minimise their own problems.

By comparison, if you respond to something bad by doing something happy, you're in a positive feedback situation, making your world, at least, a positive place. After all, you can only consider the world a negative or positive place based on your own input and output. If you're in a negative feedback situation, I can only suggest doing things that make you happy. If you don't have many of those, then go try things until you have enough to use when called for.

I also suggest making yourself aware of what activities cause you unhappiness, and quite simply not doing them, to as reasonable extent as is possible.

Y'know I'd like stuff to be simple.

So the girl I'm after, calling her K for simplicity, told another friend that she doesn't want a relationship right now and that she doesn't want guys going after her, of which she does have a fair few. She also told him that she didn't say no to me because she thought I would get too upset by it.

Despite this, she kissed me, twice. When we talked about it she told me that she liked the fact we'd kissed and that she'd also fantasized about us doing...well you can probably guess, quite a lot. We jokingly refer to ourselves as various will-they-or-won't-they sitcom couples. We both admit they we are incredibly compatible.

I guess the problem is that she thinks I want us to be together now. But I don't. I love being around her, mainly because I can actually be me around her and that she's one of the only people that I can assertive to. I want to tell her that I'm completely fine with how we are now and don't need our relationship to go any further but she's.... delicate. I'm not sure how she'd react to the confrontation.

So yeah. This sucks a bit.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Malfunctioned

Y'know I'd like stuff to be simple.

So the girl I'm after, calling her K for simplicity, told another friend that she doesn't want a relationship right now and that she doesn't want guys going after her, of which she does have a fair few. She also told him that she didn't say no to me because she thought I would get too upset by it.

Despite this, she kissed me, twice. When we talked about it she told me that she liked the fact we'd kissed and that she'd also fantasized about us doing...well you can probably guess, quite a lot. We jokingly refer to ourselves as various will-they-or-won't-they sitcom couples. We both admit they we are incredibly compatible.

I guess the problem is that she thinks I want us to be together now. But I don't. I love being around her, mainly because I can actually be me around her and that she's one of the only people that I can assertive to. I want to tell her that I'm completely fine with how we are now and don't need our relationship to go any further but she's.... delicate. I'm not sure how she'd react to the confrontation.

So yeah. This sucks a bit.

---

I think you should tell her man, but address it in the correct way. Don't make assumptions based on what your friend said... Instead of presenting it from the "Everything is cool where is stands!" angle, go for the "K, is everything cool between us? What do you want from me and our relationship now and in the near future?" Asking her how she feels, and then going from there seems to be a much gentler solution than telling her about your satisfaction and contentedness right off the bat.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by qbit

Oh god this is so frustrating.

Spoiler

Show

I want to talk with someone that apparently has no desire to talk to me. Never explicitly said so, but hasn't yet been open to a conversation in about 9 months. Despite my, lets call it, 5 attempts.

I know logic tells me that it's pointless to try to initiate a conversation again. And I keep telling myself that. But I honestly can't see the upside of not trying. It's not as if the other person will contact me for a conversation if I don't for a while. But if I pick just the right moment, and say just the right thing. We might be able to get past what has happened, and forge a new friendship. Even if that is an unlikely outcome. I don't really have more to loose than not doing anything.

But I don't like in myself that I want to have that friendship. But I do, so where does that leave me?

I hope some of you might be able to provide me with some insight that has eluded me so far.

---

Fraid you need to move on. It's a lost cause. If they want to get back in contact with you, they would have taken one of the opportunities you gave. Cut your losses, get on with other parts of life.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by term1nally s1ck

The idea 'The world is a negative place' is a concept that you will always get out of life less than the effort you put in.

---

My two cent: The world is inherently neutral. Things happen, then more things happen, and sometimes even more things happen as a result. The assignment of "good" and "bad" to a situation is an entirely human choice.

Thus, any kind of interpretation of good and bad is perception (you could call it delusion, but let's be fair - delusion is just an extreme form of perception).

This infintely multiplies the importance of those judgments. You are never trying to convince yourself against better knowledge, or trying to delude yourself from facts. Whenever you choose an approach to a situation, you do so entirely from scratch. You are the complete master of whether or not you find this situation good or bad.

At least that's how I view it. It's harder in practise, but I find it a good starting point.

And yeah, it's pretty much Terminal's point ("be positive"), just on a more basic level.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by qbit

Oh god this is so frustrating.

Spoiler

Show

I want to talk with someone that apparently has no desire to talk to me. Never explicitly said so, but hasn't yet been open to a conversation in about 9 months. Despite my, lets call it, 5 attempts.

I know logic tells me that it's pointless to try to initiate a conversation again. And I keep telling myself that. But I honestly can't see the upside of not trying. It's not as if the other person will contact me for a conversation if I don't for a while. But if I pick just the right moment, and say just the right thing. We might be able to get past what has happened, and forge a new friendship. Even if that is an unlikely outcome. I don't really have more to loose than not doing anything.

But I don't like in myself that I want to have that friendship. But I do, so where does that leave me?

I hope some of you might be able to provide me with some insight that has eluded me so far.

---

I want to point out that you are losing time, thoughts and emotional energy on this. It obviously bothers you enough to write here. That peace of mind is a precious thing that the fight for friendship takes away from you.

I don't know what went down between the two of you, but as a general rule: if you're getting clear signals to back off (and haven't been obviously wronged in suddenly being ignored), you back off.

I'd give them a letter saying that I'd like to stay friends, but respect their desire not to (include an apology, if appropriate), and if they at some point decide on a second chance, I'll be there.

Then put it behind you and focus on the friends who want to be yours.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mr. Mud

I think you should tell her man, but address it in the correct way. Don't make assumptions based on what your friend said... Instead of presenting it from the "Everything is cool where is stands!" angle, go for the "K, is everything cool between us? What do you want from me and our relationship now and in the near future?" Asking her how she feels, and then going from there seems to be a much gentler solution than telling her about your satisfaction and contentedness right off the bat.

---

Well I tried this tonight, we were at a friend's and my friend Brain's boyfriend was meeting K for the first time. The first thing out of his lips was "Are you two together?"
He was promptly glared into silence by Brain but still, it made it a little awkward.
But anyway, me and her ended up getting the train back together, and after a few mishaps, a long walk and a bus. She ended up having to call a cab to get home and so I waited with her. As we were sitting I decided to bring it up. I got as a far "So, K, I was-" Before her cab pulled up. We got up, hugged and then she paused for a second before kissing me again.

I think she feels the same way about us as I do. I should just try to actually find out.

Call her?

Seriously I think the best thing to do would be to call her up and talk to her about it, as the longer you delay the more complicated it gets once you do finally bring it up.