Relationship Woes and Advice 23: Answer Unclear, Try Again

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Originally Posted by Faulty

I really dunno how I'd read that situation other than she talked a lot, and there may have been a reason for it? Hopefully. I like her.

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Talking a lot is a good sign, I'd think. It means that she wanted to talk with you (or at you, but that's also okay, probably).

I actually like it when the other person does all the talking. You can then do the listening intelligently thing and not have to worry about what to say other than "still interested" noises. And when you look interested, the other person feels interesting. And that's good in a budding relationship. But I'm a quiet sort of guy, maybe that's just me.

So I have had recent and not so recent girl troubles. This past summer I broke up with my girlfriend that I had been dating for a year and a half. She had moved to another state over 500 miles away and she was still in high school whereas I am in college.

Over time the distance proved to be difficult and she had thought about breaking up with me a couple of times when things got tough. Eventually I broke up with her because the financial constraints grew too much for me to bear. I was the only one flying and until she finishes high school it will continue to be that way, until perhaps this summer upcoming her mom might let her come out. Her parents did give me some money to help but for me it was just too much. However, I still care about her love her even and I don't care about the distance I just want to be with her breaking up with her was a mistake I feel. We haven't talked since we broke up but I'm wondering should I break the silence and tell her how I feel? We broke up in July for reference.

The second girl is the one that I'm dating. I told her from the start I was getting over a relationship. We dated since near the end of August She had sex with me fairly early on and we were both virgins. However, she has since micro-planned our life out and wants us to go to the same college or ones that are close together besides other things. I do love her and care about her, but its creepy and I feel like I don't have a choice. I've talked to her about it and how I don't like it and she still does.

So what should I do should I tell the first girl how I feel? When I was with the first girl I felt far happier and when I was with her nothing could ever get me down.

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Originally Posted by Imbasel

So I have had recent and not so recent girl troubles. This past summer I broke up with my girlfriend that I had been dating for a year and a half. She had moved to another state over 500 miles away and she was still in high school whereas I am in college.

Over time the distance proved to be difficult and she had thought about breaking up with me a couple of times when things got tough. Eventually I broke up with her because the financial constraints grew too much for me to bear. I was the only one flying and until she finishes high school it will continue to be that way, until perhaps this summer upcoming her mom might let her come out. Her parents did give me some money to help but for me it was just too much. However, I still care about her love her even and I don't care about the distance I just want to be with her breaking up with her was a mistake I feel. We haven't talked since we broke up but I'm wondering should I break the silence and tell her how I feel? We broke up in July for reference.

The second girl is the one that I'm dating. I told her from the start I was getting over a relationship. We dated since near the end of August She had sex with me fairly early on and we were both virgins. However, she has since micro-planned our life out and wants us to go to the same college or ones that are close together besides other things. I do love her and care about her, but its creepy and I feel like I don't have a choice. I've talked to her about it and how I don't like it and she still does.

So what should I do should I tell the first girl how I feel? When I was with the first girl I felt far happier and when I was with her nothing could ever get me down.

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With the first girl: LDRs are very difficult. They usually don't work out... But they can. She made you happier. That's a good thing. Financial constraints can be difficult, certainly. Skype can help a lot.

Second girl: When people lose their V, things will often change a bit. It is not uncommon for this to result in an over-attachment or planning too far into the future. Your description of this relationship makes me want to link a picture of "Overly Attached Girlfriend".

At the same time, going to colleges near one another would help prevent the problems you had with the first girl.

The important thing is though, she isn't making you happy. That's important. If you stick with her, you are likely to resent her later. Your negative feelings towards her won't be her fault, she means well, but you'll keep thinking back to the first girl. The one that makes you happy.

Cheesy romantic movie line: "Follow your heart."

some people like to be micromanaged..everything you say, and what little I know about you, makes me think you don't. you told this new girl that you don't care for it..
she didn't/doesn't listen.
that's a serious thing.
if she doesn't listen this early on in your relationship and insists on behaviour that you don't care for..who's to tell what she will make you swallow later on?
so..the second girl..either you find a way to change her attitude and teach her to listen, or you should seriously reconsider making long term plans with her. also, it seems to me you are at an age when long term plans should only be undertaken about things and with people you're 100% certain about.. the fact that she seems to be planning your entire life already either tells me she's inexperienced relationship-wise and thinks that's how you're supposed to behave, or that she's in a different place in the relationship than you are.
either way.. this deserves serious consideration, serious talks and may be an indication that no matter how much fun/how comfortable she may be to be with..maybe you're not right for one another.

as for the previous girl.. I remember you writing about it back when the long distance thing first became an issue.. if you're still thinking about her even throughout dating with the new girl.. maybe it means something.
then again..maybe not.
long distance is difficult always, despite skype...especially when you're both at an age where you can't throw a stone without hitting an alternative

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Originally Posted by Feytalist

Talking a lot is a good sign, I'd think. It means that she wanted to talk with you (or at you, but that's also okay, probably).

I actually like it when the other person does all the talking. You can then do the listening intelligently thing and not have to worry about what to say other than "still interested" noises. And when you look interested, the other person feels interesting. And that's good in a budding relationship. But I'm a quiet sort of guy, maybe that's just me.

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Yeah. She certainly seemed to enjoy talking to me. Haha. So hopefully it goes well in the future.

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Originally Posted by Faulty

Yeah. She certainly seemed to enjoy talking to me. Haha. So hopefully it goes well in the future.

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Though talking a lot could just mean she sees you as a friend. That's what seems to keep happening to me, anyways.

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Originally Posted by Sholos

Though talking a lot could just mean she sees you as a friend. That's what seems to keep happening to me, anyways.

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Bah. All of the relationships that I've been in that I would be willing to go back into if the opportunity arose, started with several hours of solid chatting.

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Originally Posted by Sholos

Though talking a lot could just mean she sees you as a friend. That's what seems to keep happening to me, anyways.

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And this is why I said earlier to make your intentions clear. And this involves being honest with yourself. Do you really want this person as a friend? Or do you want a romantic relationship. Looking back, there were times where I had certainly done the whole "become friends with intentions of it becoming something more" when in reality I didn't want the "just friends" part. In which case you're just causing yourself problems by confounding friendship with a romantic relationship.

This is not to say romance cannot come from a friendship first. It can. But if the intent is romantic FIRST you want to make sure the friendship part isn't just a means to an end. If it is, you are FAR better off just stating your romantic intentions to begin with and let things fall as they may.

Moved this from the LGBT thread. I would have posted it here but I honestly didn't even notice you guys. Mea culpa, indeed. Anyway.

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Originally Posted by AllIHaveIsCrunk

Hey guys, would it be totally weird of me to take out the son of an ex? I'll probably just do it anyway regardless of the response but I want to get a consensus on this so I know whether or not to grandstand and feel persecuted.

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and...

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Originally Posted by AllIHaveIsCrunk

So what's the protocol here? Just stay away from family gatherings or what? I was gonna wing it but I figure I'm this far, a second opinion can't hurt.

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Crossing my response over, too:
Like I said, it depends on a lot of details. For starters, how was and is your relationship with your ex? How and why did it end? Are you on good terms? How long did the relationship last, and how long ago did it end? What sort of relationship does the son have with them? etc etc etc...

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Originally Posted by Serpentine

Crossing my response over, too:
Like I said, it depends on a lot of details. For starters, how was and is your relationship with your ex? How and why did it end? Are you on good terms? How long did the relationship last, and how long ago did it end? What sort of relationship does the son have with them? etc etc etc...

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In order: Decent at the start, I suppose. I don't have a whole lot to compare it to. It was one of my longer relationships, if not the longest. It ended because we realized that (towards the end at least) we didn't like each other as much as we thought and we were staying together out of habit. The nail in the coffin, though, was when he threw a ceramic rooster at me during a fight. He apologized for that but it's still not cool. This month is November? I'd say it ended a good six months ago. It was definitely before my birthday which is in June so there's that. Honestly I have no idea what their relationship is like. I only saw the son in passing while I was going out with his dad, mostly small talk. Didn't have enough time to get a handle on their relationship.

For completeness' sake, how long did it last, approximately?

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Originally Posted by Serpentine

For completeness' sake, how long did it last, approximately?

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I am totally winging it here. Just under a year. Between a year and nine months. If it was a year or more I will be gobsmacked.

EDIT: Holy crap! I do say "totally" a lot!

Totes :smallwink:

Hm... It's hard to say whether 6 months is enough at the best of times. I'm not going to discourage you from going ahead with it, but I urge a great deal of tact and sensitivity. Unless you receive very strong indications that your ex really is fine with it, I'd keep it out of their view as much as possible. If you do receive those indications, still be tactful, and be conscious of the possibility that their okayness may change.

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Originally Posted by Serpentine

Totes :smallwink:

Hm... It's hard to say whether 6 months is enough at the best of times. I'm not going to discourage you from going ahead with it, but I urge a great deal of tact and sensitivity. Unless you receive very strong indications that your ex really is fine with it, I'd keep it out of their view as much as possible. If you do receive those indications, still be tactful, and be conscious of the possibility that their okayness may change.

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That was possibly the best answer I could have hoped for. I may use you for future relationship woes.

Imagine my luck, though. Two generations playing the same team?

Should probably check my personal experience before taking me on full-time :smallwink:

And for heterosexuality at least, it's a pretty common occurrence :smalltongue:

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Originally Posted by Serpentine

Should probably check my personal experience before taking me on full-time :smallwink:

And for heterosexuality at least, it's a pretty common occurrence :smalltongue:

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That sounds an awful lot like work. Can't you just praise yourself, put it in quotes and claim it's from the New York Times?

Oh I bet you think you're pretty clever. Even so, both on this particular side, I can't overstate how awesome that is. I don't know what I did to deserve such tremendous luck. I'm a pretty terrible person. But I'll take it where I can get it. Thank you, distributors of luck!

"She's bangin' at bangin'."

- J. Depp

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Originally Posted by Serpentine

"She's bangin' at bangin'."

- J. Depp

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Yeah, I got nothing. I usually don't when people quote Johnny Depp at me. It's my Achilles heel. Also saying "totally" a lot.

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Originally Posted by Serpentine

"She's bangin' at bangin'."

- J. Depp

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I'm laughing so hard at this.

Wish I could set the thread to be a humourous-response magnet. :smallbiggrin:

Speaking of which, I just got my first-ever OKCupid ask-out :smallredface:
...two days before I leave the area :smallsigh:

Do you got time? Are they cute? If so, no harm in having a good time until you leave the area, right? :smalltongue:

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Originally Posted by Serpentine

Speaking of which, I just got my first-ever OKCupid ask-out :smallredface:
...two days before I leave the area :smallsigh:

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Yay/boo! That actually sounds really similar to the only useful exchange I've had on OKC - asked her out, then ran into one of us being out of town more than half of the next month, while she was looking for a job, until she actually got a job a few hours away before we actually managed to go out. :smallsigh:

And now, I've gotten 0 'hits' from OKC in the last month or more... and can't decide if that's a good thing, considering I'm trying to finish up my MS in the next 6 months before moving across the country (to an area whose population isn't >50% college students like it is here). Free time isn't exactly a common occurrence for me right now...

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Originally Posted by Morph Bark

Do you got time? Are they cute? If so, no harm in having a good time until you leave the area, right? :smalltongue:

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I did, barely, but apparently he has night shifts and it makes him poor company during the day or something. Looks like it ain't happening.
I can't decide whether he's cute... I don't think he's bad looking by anyone's standards, but I can'd decide whether he's cute by my standards - I generally likes 'em prettier :smallwink: But eh, he's not bad, and if I started fancying him he'd become more attractive to me.
I would but, alas, 'tain't to be.

If you don't have free time and you're moving soon, I'd say it's a good thing. Wouldn't it be terrible if you found the love of your life and then moved across the country a few weeks later?

The only relationship I managed to forge through OKC end after a few dates because she moved about 3 hours away and went to seminary, so got insanely busy. That ended up working out for me because I'm now in a VERY good relationship with a girl I met IRL instead of on a dating website...and she likes me BECAUSE of my nerdliness.

She's a legend of zelda fangirl for crying out loud. I have me a keeper. :3

And at the other end of the spectrum...

"wanna mak lov to u.."

That's hot, thanks 9.9

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Originally Posted by Serpentine

And at the other end of the spectrum...

"wanna mak lov to u.."

That's hot, thanks 9.9

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O.o ? :smallconfused:

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Originally Posted by Serpentine

And at the other end of the spectrum...

"wanna mak lov to u.."

That's hot, thanks 9.9

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It's as if Shakespeare himself arose from the grave....and had left his brain six feet under. :smallyuk:

Help me random people of the internet! I don't know how vague I have to be on here so it is spoilered and possibly removed later. According to the rules perhaps I should ask for PMs?

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I am 22 and something of a sexual nature between myself and my 44 year old roommate occurred last night. Alcohol was involved.

Problem is her "boyfriend" (26 years old and she only keeps him for "relief") walked in on us and broke up with her. Now I don't know what to do. I don't really want to be in a relationship with her but I feel bad for sabotaging her purely sexual relationship. Another problem is we both work at the same place (which is how we became roommates) and she doesn't want anyone to know what happened last night. Word will probably get out anyway since her former boytoy knows other people at our workplace although he doesn't work there.

Not going to lie, you've got some pretty choppy water ahead of you. That said, it's easier to deal with this sort of stuff if you break it down into bits:

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1) Your female room-mate. What were your feelings towards her a month ago and what were your feelings about her last night?

2) Do you want to be in a relationship with her? I'm guessing "no" from what you've said. If you talk completely and openly with her about this (and this might be easier than you think because I'm certain she wants to talk to you about what happened) then the rest of this becomes a lot easier to deal with.

3) Be direct about this. Seriously. If you talk to her with allusions it's going to make things even more awkward and complicated. Something along the lines of "While I like you as a friend, last night was a mistake and I do not want to repeat it, given how awkward it has made things for all of us. I hope you understand."

4) Once you've smoothed things over with your room-mate (and the sooner you do this the easier it will be), you need to ask her about her "friend with benefits" (I dislike the term "boytoy" immensly). Again, this is just a guess but give her a chance to speak with him first before you do because he's going to be very annoyed with you. I would say avoid him for the moment if possible, at least until your lady friend has done this.

5) The only thing scientifically proven to travel faster than light is workplace gossip, especially if it involves a love triangle. If your colleagues don't know now, within the next day or two they probably will. It all depends on the 26-year old. If he's feeling angry, he's probably let the cat out of the bag.

6) It will be a lot easier to deal with your workmates if you've spoken to your room-mate and cleared things up between you. Once you're clear about what's going to happen between you two, you can just repeat that until your colleagues get bored. If they keep poking your for sordid details, do your best to ignore them or tell them to get lost.

7) The key thing to remember is this: what happened was between you and your room-mate. That's the relationship you need to fix right now. Work on that.