Swordchucks, yo?

I'm currently playing in a 3.5 D&D campaign which is designed to be inherently ridiculous and over-the-top. To this end, I want to stat out 8-Bit Theater style swordchucks for my character to dual-wield, like Fighter vs. Kary. My current idea is to have them act like a two-bladed sword, with the option of wielding it in one hand. One-handed, it acts as a longsword that grants an extra attack during a full attack action, but all attacks are at -2, and on a miss you roll an attack with it against yourself.
Does this seem balanced, and if not, can anyone think of a better way?

*Cough*

Enjoy.

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Originally Posted by Krimm_Blackleaf

*Cough*

Enjoy.

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Err, right... search function. *fail*

Still, there doesn't seem to be a good way to dual-wield those, which is my character concept. Any help there?

Then do what you suggested: attacking yourself in a missed swing instead of on a natural 1 is more than enough of a disadvantage to wield two of them, in my opinion.

You'll end up attacking yourself all the time. Wear plate.

All right. Just checking to make sure it doesn't seem too overpowered. Now to run it by my DM and enchant all 4 ends with Speed...

The only problem is that if your AC is at least equal to that of what you're fighting, you'll never hit yourself. My suggestions:
-5 on all one handed double attacks, or:
-2 and if you miss, reroll an attack against yourself, or:
-5 and if you miss compare the result without the penalty against your AC to determine a self hit.

If you actually pull this off in game, I demand stories. Swordchucks ftw indeed.

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Originally Posted by Fizban

The only problem is that if your AC is at least equal to that of what you're fighting, you'll never hit yourself.

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Not really. The way he suggested was to reroll an attack against yourself, meaning if you roll low and miss against an enemy, you can still roll high on the second and slice yourself up.

i know this is old, BUT,
question: is one denied their DEX when attacking themsleves?