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My godfather came on Saturday to visit me. I really like him, he's a great person and it's a pity we meet so rarely, only one or two times a year. I was happy that we had found a weekend where I wasn't too stressed with school stuff and he didn't have to work (he is a nurse so he has to work often on weekends) but I felt already awkward before he was here because we would be alone for about 4 hours until my father came home and I'm terrible at talking with people and he is not so talkative either. So it came as I feared, after a bit of taking about school, what I plan for the summer holidays ect., we sat there and were silent. He tried to restart the conversation some times, but I'm just not able to keep talking. We went for a walk through the forest then, so it wasn't so bad that we didn't talk much, but as soon as we were back home, we once again only sat there and didn't talk about anything, until he decided that he needed some sleep and I should wake him when my father came home. I was glad and felt terrible at the same time.
I was reading a book when he came back, my father still wasn't here. We shortly talked about books, but even that didn't last long for because our book taste is so different. We were just about to start reading each one's own book, when my father came home. My father is the exact opposite to me. He happily started chatting with my godfather. I was relieved that the awkward silence was over, but also so sad that I hadn't managed to entertain my godfather for four hours.
That's just an example like it's always if I'm supposed to talk with someone. There are only few people I can talk with: my parents, my sister and few of my friends. With everyone else, my mind just seems empty when I try to talk to them, teachers, friends, my grandparents, everyone. Or the few things I could say seem so irrelevant.
It's worst if I'm alone with someone. If there are other people it isn't so awkward because then I just sit there and listen and it isn't so obvious that I don't talk.
I think my parents don't realize this problem, because I have no difficulties talking to them, they think I'm just shy. But I'm not shy (well, maybe I am, but not really), I can talk to strangers, ask strange people for the way or whatever. I just can't keep a conversation going, can't chat with people, talk longer than a few sentences.
This makes it also hard for me to get to know new people. All of my friendships exist only because my friends were stubborn enough to keep talking to me and didn't turn away bored, or I know them forever, from when talking wasn't important and we just played together. Last year I was at a meet-up of a ffrp-community, with lots of nice people with similar interests to mine, and I felt lonely all four days because no one was able- no one tried long enough- to break trough my 'speechlessness'.
And so starts a vicious circle. Someone tries to chat with me, I'm not able to respond, they think I'm boring and leave me alone. Then I start dreaming and when then someone starts again talking to me, I am again not able to talk to them because my thoughts are somewhere else. My thoughts always are far away, as soon as I am not directly part of a conversation, sometimes even then. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in another world ( currently mainly in the world where my stories are set.) . That leads to the frequent question of my friends "Lucy, where are you?", because of course they notice if I seem absent. I usually respond "Somewhere else". And then they talk to each other, not actively excluding me, but not including me, so I feel lonely again. I feel lonely when I'm in the company of my friends (or parents, or anyone. The single small exception is my sister, but she is so rarely at home). And then I start dreaming again, in my head, in my world, I have friends who fully understand me and help me, I have someone who loves me and I can love, in my dreams I'm not lonely. So of course I have no real interest to pay more attention to the real world. So when my friends address me, I'll be all "Huh, what?" -> "Lucy, where are you?". Vicious circle. :smallsigh: