A certain thread in the Roleplaying Games forum was heavily derailed by an attempt to collectively write a D&D-ified version of Bohemian Rhapsody, and after others chipped in with their D&D-ified songs it was decided to split the project off into its own thread to stop the derail. I've collected the songs posted in that thread for everyone's enjoyment; feel free to discuss and tweak them (Rhapsody still isn't quite in a complete form) and of course feel free to submit some of your own, the more the better.
D&D Rhapsody by the PlaygroundSpoiler
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Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Took 8d6 in a landslide...
No Plane Shift from reality...
Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see!
I'm just a VoP Monk, I need no sympathy...
'Cause I'm easy come, easy go.
rollin' high, rollin' low,
Any way the die rolls
Doesn't really matter to me. To me...
Mama, Coup-de-Grace'd a man
Put a crossbow to his head,
Failed his Fort save, now he's dead.
Mama, CharGen had just begun...
Throw away my sheet at level 1!
Mama oOoh, Didn't mean to cast that die,
Natural 1, I won't be adventurin' tomorrow!
Carry on! Carry on, cause this PC didn't matter.
Too late, my init has come...
Shivering Touch rolls down my spine,
Dex damage aching all the time.
Mama, the game had just begun.
But now I've gone and thrown my books away.
I don't wanna die, I sometimes wish I'd never rolled stats at all!
I see a little silhouetto of a mage!
Saving throw! Saving throw! What is your Fortitude!?
Fireballs and lightning! Fear is very fright'ning to me!
Gary Gygax (Gary Gygax) Gary Gygax (Gary Gygax) Gary Gygax wrote em all! He wrote them aah-ah-ah-all.
I'm just a VoP Monk, nobody loves me.
He's just a VoP Monk, from a lawful family!
Spare his HP from this monstrosity!
Easy save, easy hit, will you let me roll?
Saving throw: NONE! We will not let you roll.
(Spell Resistance)
Saving throw: NONE! We will not let you roll.
(Spell Resistance)
Will not let you roll!
(Spell Resist)
Will not let you roll!
(Penetratio-o-o-on!)
Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll! Roll!
Oh Bahamut! Oh Bahamut! Oh Bahamut, let me roll!
Asmodeus has a Pit Fiend set aside for me!
For me! For ME!
[Perform: Guitar, Solo DC: 24]
So you think you can stop me with that No-Save-Just-Die!?
So you beat my resistance by rolling real high!?
Oh baby, party got me res'd baby!
Just gotta port out, gonna teleport outta here!
This campaign's really ending, Tier 1's ruining my day...
This campaign's really ending,
This campaign really ends in...TPK
Cause that's the way the dice roll...
My Favorite Things by The_Snark
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Robes of archmagi and petrified kittens
Cloaks of resistance and spell-storing mittens
Bags of devouring tied up with string
These are a few of my favorite things
Rings of evasion and iron bands of binding
Ioun stones and fire staves and potions of finding
A deck of illusions that's missing the king
These are a few of my favorite things
Bracers of armor and rings of protection
Shields enchanted with arrow deflection
Those funny horseshoes that can give your horse wings
These are a few of my favorite things
When the hellhound bites
When the wyvern stings
When my health looks bad,
I add in the bonus from my favorite things
And then I don't feel... sooo bad!
If I Were a Mind Flayer by The_Snark
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(spoken)
"DM, I've made many, many human characters.
I realize, of course, that there's nothing wrong with being human.
But it's not that interesting either!
So would it be so terrible if I had just a +7 LA?"
If I were a mind flayer,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd biddy biddy brains,
If I were an il-li-thid!
Wouldn't have to learn things,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy squid,
Yidle-diddle-didle-illi-thid.
I'd build a great stone statue with thralls by the dozen,
Right in the middle of the town.
A twenty-foot monument with blasphemous runes below.
There would be one rune that's a four-sided pentagon,
And one sphere with 350º,
And a triangle with two right angles, just for show!
I'd eat my fill of wizards and leaders and rich men,
Just to absorb their juicy brains.
And each great sec-ret and PIN number and artwork,
Would further my long and glorious reign.
They would say "There goes an illithid."
If I were a mind flayer,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd biddy biddy brains,
If I were an il-li-thid!
Wouldn't have to learn things,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy squid,
Yidle-diddle-didle-illi-thid.
I'd see my party, those morons, suitably enthralled
With eyes fogged, blankly white and glazed.
Obeying my whims to my heart's delight.
I see them giving their lives many times to protect me.
Oh, maybe I'll even have them raised!
Scrambling to my bidding, day and night.
The most important people in the world would have to fawn on me!
They would need me to advise them,
Because I didn't leave them free will.
"If you please, Lord Illithid..."
"Pardon me, Lord Illithid..."
Giving me power that would give a devil chills!
And it won't make one bit of difference if I answer right or wrong;
When you're a mind flayer, you don't have to care!
If I ate brains, I'd have the knowledge that I lack
To cast spells and sneak and Know: Nature.
And listen to the gods gossip in their halls.
And I could suck secrets right out of anybody,
As an at-will ability.
That would be the coolest thing of all.
If I were a mind flayer,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
All day long I'd biddy biddy brains,
If I were an il-li-thid!
Wouldn't have to learn things,
Ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum.
If I were a biddy biddy squid,
Yidle-diddle-didle-illi-thid.
DM who governs the options of the players!
You decree when we go and where!
Would it spoil some vast detailed lair?
If... I were a mind flaaayeeer?!"
It's Still D&D To Me by PairO'Dice Lost
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What's the matter with the cloak I'm wearing,
Can't you tell it's Cha +5?
Wishin' I could buy more magic items....
Welcome back to the Sigil Hive.
What's the dark on where you've been lately, cutter?
You can't buy magic, are you some kinda nutter?
Everybody's talkin' 'bout the new game,
Funny, but it's still D&D to me.
What's the matter with the mount I'm riding?
That you pulled it from an Upper Plane.
Should I get a set of +1 flaming horseshoes?
Oh, sure, why not add demon bane?
In the old days, it was more than just a pony;
Now that it's a summon, it's just plain phony!
2nd edition,
3rd edition, either way it's my edition,
Still D&D to me.
Oh, it doesn't matter what they say in Dragon,
'Cause it's always been the same old scene:
There's a new game in town
But you can't play around with reviews in a magazine
Aimed at your average teen!
How about a charge-spec Paladin 5
With some dips for a feat or three?
You might really like a plain 10 Fighter...
...well, it always worked fine for me....
We didn't need feats from a half-dozen splatbooks,
Our Fighting-Men thrived on a good set of plot hooks!
THAC0, Base Attack, the difference don't mean jack—
It's still D&D to me.
What's the matter with the spell I'm casting?
Don't you know it has a range of touch!?
With the new rules I can cast in melee
And not worry about miscasts too much.
Don't you know new casters have it easy?
The thought of any damage used to make them queasy!
Armored mages, spellbook pages, even with all these changes
It's still D&D to me.
Everybody's talkin' 'bout the new game
Funny, but it's still D&D to me.
We Didn't Cast The [Fire] by Talya
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Melee combat, T.O.B.
3rd, Three Point Five, or Four-E
Wizards, Monks or Sorcerers
CoDzilla versus Rangers
Jarlaxle's wide brimmed hat
Monkey Grip don't work like that
D&D or Exalted?
Working as intended?
We didn't cast the [Fire].
But it's constantly burning
As the rounds are turning.
We didn't cast the [Fire].
No we didn't light her
Cause we play a fighter
Exalted is too anime
Dragonbloods are often gay
Small Daiklaives are epic fail
Hot Bikini Chainmail!
Should he run DMPCs?
Leadership is so O.P.
My DM makes me want to hurl
Physics slaughters cat-girls.
We didn't cast the [Fire].
But it's constantly burning
As the rounds are turning.
We didn't cast the [Fire].
No we didn't light her
Cause we play a fighter
Divination - Can we scry?
Evocation sucks, you'll die
Enchantment is hard to use
Illusion's easily abused
Will this make my Pally fall?
Can I drop an Iron Wall?
This game is to much like WoW
Damage calc from falling cows
We didn't cast the [Fire].
But it's constantly burning
As the rounds are turning.
We didn't cast the [Fire].
No we didn't light her
Cause we play a fighter
Faerun, Greyhawk, Eberron
Star Wars Saga will live on
Creation, or Shadowrun
Rokugan, maybe Dark Sun
Can I do this under RAW?
Good and Evil, Chaos - Law
Rabid, nasty version wars!
I can't take it anymore!
We didn't cast the [Fire].
But it's constantly burning
As the rounds are turning.
We didn't cast the [Fire].
No we didn't light her
Cause we play a fighter
The Day The Party Buffer Died by Morph Bark
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A long, long time ago
I can still remember how
Bardic music used to make me smile.
Give our bard//cleric just one round,
he'd pray a bit and strum a sound
That granted 4d6 damage for a while.
But in one combat we did blunder--
Let him get hit with a rod of wonder;
Before he cast a heal spell,
He got hit with death knell.
I can't remember if I cried
to lose death ward and battletide.
It was a loss for the PC side
The day our buffer died.
So bye-bye, buffer who couldn’t fly
Rode my warhorse to the guildhouse
But the guildhouse was fried
And them good ol’ boys were drinkin’ ale and wine
And singin’ “this’ll be the day that I die”
“This’ll be the day that I die”
Did you write a book of spells,
And can you cast antilife shell,
After preparing for an hour?
Do you believe in rocks fallin’,
Can music keep death stallin’,
And can you help me when things turn sour?
Well, I know that you’re in love with her
‘cause I saw you sparrin’ at the church.
You both let go of your magic boons,
Man, I dig those funky tunes.
I was a lonely teenage broncin’ gnome
With a crazy hat so far away from home,
But I knew I was out of luck
The day our buffer died.
I started singin’
“bye-bye, buffer who couldn’t fly”
Rode my warhorse to the guildhouse
But the guildhouse was fried
And them good ol’ boys were drinkin’ ale and wine
And singin’ “this’ll be the day that I die”
“This’ll be the day that I die”
Now for ten years we’ve been on our own
And moss grows fat on a rollin’ stone,
But gods know it didn’t use to be.
When the bardic one sang for kings and queens,
In a coat he’d stolen for its sheen
And a voice that came from you and me,
Oh, and while the king was looking down,
The bardic one stole all the crowns,
The courtroom was adjourned;
No stone was left unturned.
And while Vecna read a Book so Vile,
The party practiced in the park,
And sang dirges in the Underdark,
The day our buffer died.
We were singing,
“bye-bye, buffer who couldn’t fly”
Rode my warhorse to the guildhouse
But the guildhouse was fried
And them good ol’ boys were drinkin’ ale and wine
And singin’ “this’ll be the day that I die”
“This’ll be the day that I die”
Wibble wobble in a timely hobble,
The dragons flew up from the cobble,
Endless highs and falling fast.
It landed foul of Sigil’s crass.
The players tried for a forward charge,
With the bardic one far from the marge.
The adventure air was sweet perfume
While our fifth wheel played a marching tune.
We all got up to dance,
Oh, but we never got the chance!
‘cause the players tried to take the field;
The monstrous band refused to yield.
Do you recall what was unveiled?
The day our buffer died?
We started singing,
“bye-bye, buffer who couldn’t fly”
Rode my warhorse to the guildhouse
But the guildhouse was fried
And them good ol’ boys were drinkin’ ale and wine
And singin’ “this’ll be the day that I die”
“This’ll be the day that I die”
Oh, and there we were all in one space,
Squeezin’ in that tiny space
With no round left to cast a spell.
So come on: Gimble nimble, Gimble quick!
Gimble sat on a candlestick
Cause fire is low-light vision’s friend.
Oh, and as I watched him on the stage
My face contorted in a fit of rage.
No Solar borne of Abyss
Could stop all the haters.
And as the flames climbed high into the night
To light the sacrificial rite,
I saw Orcus laughing with delight
The day our buffer died
He was singin’
“bye-bye, buffer who couldn’t fly”
Rode my warhorse to the guildhouse
But the guildhouse was fried
And them good ol’ boys were drinkin’ ale and wine
And singin’ “this’ll be the day that I die”
“This’ll be the day that I die”
I met an elf who sang the blues
And I asked her for some happy news,
But she just stared and walked away.
I went down to the magic store
Where I first heard him play before,
But with him gone, the music no longer plays.
And in the streets the Halflings screamed,
The goblinds cried and the psions dreamed.
But not a word was spoke;
The temple bells had broken.
And the four men I admire so:
The wizard, cleric, fighter and rogue,
They caught the last train for the coast
The day our buffer died.
And they were singin’,
“bye-bye, buffer who couldn’t fly”
Rode my warhorse to the guildhouse
But the guildhouse was fried
And them good ol’ boys were drinkin’ ale and wine
And singin’ “this’ll be the day that I die”
“This’ll be the day that I die”
They were singin’,
“bye-bye, buffer who couldn’t fly”
Rode my warhorse to the guildhouse
But the guildhouse was fried
And them good ol’ boys were drinkin’ ale and wine
And singin’ “this’ll be the day that I die”
“This’ll be the day that I die”
Kobold Man by Asthix
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Kobold man, Kobold man
Doing the things that a Kobold can
What's he like? It's not important
Kobold man
Is he a gnome, or is he a bear?
Where in the heck did he get all that hair?
If we shave it all off is there a svart under there?
Nobody knows, kobold man
Illithid man, Illithid man
Illithid man hates Kobold Man
They have a fight, Illithid wins
Illithid man
Paladin Man, Paladin man
Doing the things a paladin can
Forced to be kind to smaller man
Paladin man
He's got a sword with a physical blade,
An ethereal blade and a truth telling blade
And when they meet to waste things are laid,
Powerful man, Paladin man
Flumph man, Flumph man
Hit on the head with PC's again
repeatedly dumped in a garbage can
Flumph man
When going out he has to risk
Before long he'll be shaped like a disc
Who came up with Flumph man?
My money's on Don Turnbull man
Illithid man, Illithid man
Illithid man hates Flumph man
They have a fight, Illithid wins
Illithid man
(*Rockin accordion solo!)
Con of the Rising Sun by Eldan
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There is a con, that's held each year
It's called the Ge-en Con
And it's been the ruin of many a gamer
And you know I am one.
My DM was a grognard
He played the oldest style
My DM, he invited me
To that Indiana Con
Now the only thing a gamer needs,
Is a pencil and some dice.
But the only time he's satisfied
Is with a ton of books.
Oh DMs tell your players
Not to do what I have done.
Spend your bucks on books and miniatures
At that Indiana Con.
Well, I've got a book in my backpack
Another book on the chair
I'm goin' back to that great Con
To buy two bags of books.
There is a con, that's held each year
It's called the Ge-en Con
And it's been the ruin of many a gamer
And you know I am one.
Henry the Eighth Fighting-Man by Ravens_cry
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I'm Henry the Eighth I am,
Henry the Eighth I am, I am,
I died to another Gas Spore,
I've been killed seven times before,
And every one was an Henry, (Henry!)
I wouldn't play a Willy or Sam, ( No Sam!)
I'm the eighth Fighting Man named Henry,
Henry the Eighth I am!
Second Verse, same as the first,
I'm Henry the Eighth I am,
Henry the Eighth I am, I am,
I died to another Gas Spore,
I've been killed seven times before,
And every one was an Henry, (Henry!)
I wouldn't play a Willy or Sam ( No Sam!)
I'm the eighth Fighting Man named Henry,
Henry the Eighth I am!
[guitar riff]
I'm Henry the Eighth I am,
Henry the Eighth I am, I am,
I died to another Gas Spore,
I've been killed seven times before,
And every one was an Henry, (Henry!)
I wouldn't play a Willy or Sam ( No Sam!)
I'm the eighth Fighting Man named Henry,
Henry the Eighth I am!
H-E-N-R-Y
Henry (Henry!)
Henry (Henry!)
Henry the Eighth I am, I am
Maybe next I'll play a ma'am!
Hellfire by Kallisti
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Lights--church interior. Parishioner/gamers are gathered around an altar on which rests a crucifix, a map, minis, dice, books, and an unholy amount of soda and chips. At the far end of the altar, behind the screen, stands a minister. Since this will never actually be performed, we'll cast Sir Patrick Stewart as the minister. Not because he does anything but stand there behind the DM screen looking vaguely menacing, but because Patrick Stewart is awesome.
Choir of Gamers:
Confiteor DM Omnipotenti,
Felicis Aleator Semper Virgini,
Beato Gygax Archangelo,
Sanctis Artifexis,
Omnibus Cultor,
The session freezes, spotlight ('cause of course there's a spotlight in the rafters of this imaginary church) on the gamer directly across the altar/table from the DM. This is Frollo.
Frollo:
Beata Maria, you know I am a righteous man,
Of my virtue I am justly proud
(Choir: Et tibi, Fortis:)
Beata Maria, you know I'm so much purer than
The common, vulgar, weak, licentious crowd
(Choir: Quia bravere nimis,)
Then tell me, Maria, why I feel it in my hand,
How my fingers still can itch to roll
(Choir: Cogitatione,)
I feel them, I see them,
The minis on their hand-drawn grid
Are moving in me out of all control
(Choir: Verbo et opere.)
Like fire,
Hellfire,
This fire in my skin!
This burning
Desire...
Are dice a deadly sin?
It's not my fault! (Choir: Alea jacta!)
I'm not to blame! (Choir: Alea jacta!)
It was that wicked man, Gygax, who set this flame! (Choir: Alea adusque jacta!)
It's not my fault (Choir: Alea jacta!)
If in God's plan (Choir: Alea jacta!)
He made the Dev team so much stronger than a man! (Choir: Alea adusque jacta!)
Oh, screw it, Maria
(To DM) I use my fifth-level spell
Let the fire sear their flesh and bone!
I admit I'm a gamer!
Now I cast Anti-Life Shell;
This chokepoint will be mine and mine alone!
(Another gamer, spoken): Hey, Mister Frollo? One monster has escaped.
(Frollo, spoken): What? Nowhere in the cathedral?
(Gamer, spoken): It's gone.
(Frollo, spoken): Goddammit, you were the tank, you idiot. I'll find it. I'll find it if I have to burn every last spell slot!
Hellfire,
Dark fire,
Finally it's my turn
I'll suffer the fire
I'll game though I must burn!
(Cut to: Frollo in FLGS, loading up on RPG supplies. He has accepted that he's hooked, and if Jack Chick is right and that's a mortal sin, so be it.)
(Choir: Kyrie eleison)
(Frollo looks at the assembled gamers in the store) God have mercy on them
(Choir: Kyrie eleison)
(Frollo realizes he has joined their ranks) God have mercy on me
(Choir: Kyrie eleison)
(Stares longingly at dice, books, etc.) But they will be mine or I will burn!
Wizard (Not Magic-User) by Pentachoron
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Wizard was Magic-User
Now it's Wizard, not Magic-User
Been a long time gone, Magic-User
Now it's specialist vs generalist
Every gal that's a Magic-User
Is now a Wizard, not Magic-User
So if you've a date with a Magic-User
You should be looking for a Wizard
Even D&D was once called Chainmail
Why they changed it I can't say
Gygax just liked it better that way
So take me back to Magic-Users
No, you can't go back to Magic-Users
Been a long time gone, Magic-Users
Why did Magic-Users get the works?
That's nobody's business but TSR's
Wizard (Wizard)
Wizard (Wizard)
Even D&D was once called Chainmail
Why they changed it I can't say
Gygax just liked it better that way
Wizard was Magic-User
Now it's Wizard, not Magic-User
Been a long time gone, Magic-User
Why did Magic-Users get the works?
That's nobody's business but TSR's
So take me back to Magic-Users
No, you can't go back to Magic-Users
Been a long time gone, Magic-Users
Why did Magic-Users get the works?
That's nobody's business but TSR's
Wi-i-zard.
I Love the D&D World by Morph Bark
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I love the dungeons
I love the blood red skies
I love planeshifting
I love when dire sharks fly
I love the Planescape
And all Perception checks
Boom-de-ah-da, boom-de-ah-da
I love the Oceanus
I love those mephit things
I love to get hasted
I love Dark Sun's kings
I love the Planescape
And Insanity rules
Boom-de-ah-da, boom-de-ah-da
I love the deathless
I love illithids
I love backstories
I love to fight in Pits
I love the Planescape
Its such a prismatic place
Boom-de-ah-da, boom-de-ah-da
Boom-de-ah-da, boom-de-ah-da
Boom-de-ah-da, boom-de-ah-da
Boom-de-ah-da, boom-de-ah-da
Boom-de-ah-da...
My Best Friend's Gear by JabberwockySupafly
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She's always storming down the halls
with my Elven chain +5
And now every new mook that you meet
doesn't know the real surprise
(Here she crits again)
When she's slashing up a new bad guy.
Oo, she didn't use a shield
(Here she hits again)
When she's putting an arrow through their eye
I kinda like the she dual wields
Well, it's my best friend's gear
It's my best friend's gear
But it used to be mine
You've got my ogre-strength gloves
and my haste-enchanted boots
When I have to roll a new character
It's my body you loot, o-oot,o-oot
(Here she saves again)
She's got my amulet of saves +5
Yeah, she did a flip
(Here's a success again)
She's got my ring that lets you always take 5
I can't wait for her to slip
Cause it's my best friend's gear
Well, it's my best friend's gear
And it used to be mine
The DM says I whine.
She's always storming down the halls
with my Elven Chain +5
And now every new mook that you meet
doesn't know the real surprise.
(Here she cleaves again)
She's using power attack +5
(Here she charges again)
Oh, she'll leave 'em prone
(Here she crits again)
Her last attack left nothing alive
(here she rolls again)
I can't believe, can't believe she got my Luck Stone
Cause it's my best friend's gear
It's my best frined's gear-a-ear-a-ear
It used to be mine
The DM says, don't whine
(My best friend's gear)
Oh
(My best friend's gear)
It used to be mine
(My best friend's gear)
Yeah yeah
(My best friend's gear)
I said it used to be mine
(My best friend's gear)
Oh, yeah yeah yeah
(My best friend's gear)
It used to be mine
(My best friend's gear)...