So, I started college about five weeks ago. Moved across America, from Northern California to Philadelphia. Have been having absolutely no fun.
A pretty big source of anxiety here: I'm a pretty extroverted guy, but as those of you who've known me for a while can attest, I have approximately the personality and likeability of a rusty hacksaw, as well as more or less nonexistent social skills. I can join all the clubs in the world, spend every night at parties; meeting people isn't a problem. But all around me I'm watching kids at school, and my friends at other schools, forming (or starting to form) close friendships and having a good time. I think that's great, and I don't think I deserve anything better than what I've got, but what I've got is pretty minimal. A small handful of "friends" who'll put up with me, but would never, for example, ask me to hang out with 'em.
Meanwhile, I feel totally abandoned by my friends. With a tiny handful of exceptions, none of my friends back in California have made any effort to get in contact with me. Yeah, I can and do instigate contact with them, but you know how great it'd be if one of my friends would just IM me out of the blue and ask how I'm doing, or god forbid, that they miss me?
I'm upset because I feel deprived of attention and affection and I feel lonely and isolated. Vain? Absolutely. Entitled? Absolutely. Enough of you have told me on no uncertain terms that I'm vain and entitled that I guess this is pretty predictable.
I'm lonely and confused and overwhelmed and, from a rational point of view, I know this is probably temporary and in a few months I'll have made some real friends and found a niche to fill. But right now, I'm lonely and confused and overwhelmed. I'm so homesick it's physically painful, and my depression is worse than it's been in over a year.
I want one of my "friends" at this school to ask me if I want to hang out with them. I want one of my friends at home to ask me how I'm doing. I want a hug.
I wish I knew how to be the kind of person who deserved any of that.
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Yeah, I think I have an idea of how melodramatic and self-pitying this post is. I'm really sorry guys, but I've been here for more than five years and I try to be pretty good about NOT posting this kind of thing. Cut me some slack, I promise it won't happen again.