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I just feel as though somehow my entire high school experience has been a lie, that for all the time I put into it I have nothing, material or immaterial, to show for it. I haven't grown up. I haven't learned anything. I have nothing to show for it.
What!? Are you drunk!? Just by reading this; I can see you have a firm grasp on spelling, grammar and syntax. Do you know where you learned (I
refuse to say 'learnt') that? Yeah. School. I'm also going to assume that that 'decent amount of friends' you have also originate from school. I'm also going to assume that what you want to do in college (although I can't seem to find what that is) you originally learned about in school? You also
got into college by going to school. You gained
Knowledge. Knowledge is power, don'cha know? :smallwink:
You should have a High School certificate at some point in the next few weeks which is something physical. Sure, it's only paper; But, it means a
lot to employers.
A High School certificate is one of those things that's only important if you
don't have one, because you can't get far without it.
EDUCATION IS IMPORTANT! Just because you don't
feel like something isn't important, doesn't mean it isn't. Us humans are quite rational at times. But, our complex brains also give us the ability to be
irrational, and, just because we believe/feel something, doesn't make it true.
Just about everything you ever do in life, can often be attributed to 'I learned this in school'. I learned how to read and write in school. As time progressed, I understood more complex words, I learned how to use a dictionary, I then went on to learn how to use a Thesaurus. I learned how electricity works (yay science!). I learned how to touch-type in Typing class. I learned spatial reasoning, I learned complex problem solving.
I read an instruction manual on how to build a computer, I read how to connect my modem. I built my computer from scratch. Some bits wouldn't fit how I wanted them to, Spatial reasoning taught me to move stuff. I learned how to play D&D, I found GiantitP, I came onto the forum.
...All thanks to school.
Think of it this way; Primary/High School is like a Base Class. Sure, you can live all your life without ever going to college (go all the way to level 20 on base classes). But, it's nowhere near as fun/interesting/rewarding as going to college (taking a few levels in a PrC). But, remember; You can't get to PrCs without taking Base Classes first. :smallwink:
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And because I think I'm better than everyone else and also think that I'm worthless, where does that put other people's opinions?
That makes exactly zero sense to me. I can see why you'd think you're better than everyone else. But, that's entirely the wrong attitude to have. As you'll quickly find out in college. The attitude you
should have, is "How can I help everyone be as good as me?" When you get to college, ask people how they're doing on the subjects that you're doing. If they say "X is so hard."
that's the part where you offer to help them, instead of saying that you find it easy.
a) You get a
ton more friends that way.
b) I don't know if it applies to you, but most of my friends are girls, and, since I'm doing a Science course, and (usually), girls aren't that great at science. Well, if you're into that sort of thing, play that out to it's conclusion.
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That's right, I can't put stock in them. Even when my friends say that I'm a good guitar player, a good song-writer, a good friend, a nice person, whatever, I can't believe them because I think I'm better than them.
So...Someone you think is 'less good' than you, says that you're good. And you don't believe them? I fail to see the logic in that.
OF COURSE SOMEONE LESS-GOOD THAN YOU WILL SAY YOU'RE GOOD!
Secondly, I despise the sentence "I'm better than everyone else." And people who say it make me...Angry. That, sub-textually, says that you put value (not currency, but an arbitrary value) on human lives. That somehow you're more important than they are. And that's just asinine (Words are awesome!) and reeks of arrogance.
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The problem with being analytical is that I know I'm not better than them, I know that most of them are in fact much more admirable and beautiful and kind people than I am. And I know that if I told them about my problems they would sympathize, but I also know that I'm too proud to ever do that.
Me too! I have a Napolean Complex (which has been misdiagnosed a few times as both Inferiority Complex and Superiority). I can't ever let my friends see how truly messed up I am, because I
need to project an Aura of Awesomicity. That's why I have my blog (which has been referenced on this thread a few times). I can explain, logically and concisely how I'm feeling, why I'm feeling this way and sort through it.
People will
never see me huddling in the corner, sitting in the dark staring at the ceiling. They'll never hear me talking to myself, trying to sort out the questions/problems in my life. But, all my friends know that I have insomnia. What people think after
reading something, is vastly different to what they think after watching someone cry for an hour.
The glorious part of the internet is, if I say something wrong, that's what Edit/Backspace/Delete is for. There's no Backspace in real life, and once you say something you can't un-say something.
Like when you're talking to a psychologist and you say "My Dad did this..."
The psychologist leans forward like a rabid dog. "Let's talk about that." When
you know that that event was totally minor and had nothing to do with anything at all.
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Case in point; I feel bad even posting this up here, because there are people on here who's problems are much more significant and meaningful than my nuclear family upper middle class suburban white boy faux-angst.
The good part is, that you know you're being illogical and irrational (unless you don't know what 'faux' means). I think what's extra-helpful, is that there appears to be no underlying
cause of why you feel depressed. You just
do.
So, now, I have to recommend a healthy diet, exercise and fresh air. Since if there's no
cause, it means the chemicals in your brain aren't working right. A few months of activity - of anything. Of
achieving something (like Bor's project) will make you feel better. Or a dose of medication. Your depression appears to be acute, rather than chronic. So, getting better is uo to
you. Not your surroundings.
(Although, even people suffering acute depression have been known to commit suicide.)