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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
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Originally Posted by
Comrade
Pardon me for sort of interjecting here (I'd like to offer some manner of useful or productive input soon, just don't quite have the time to respond yet), I just found the premise real pertinent to myself because I've been kind of puzzled lately over the question of attraction. Three times this year I've found myself sufficiently attracted to somebody to think 'I should/would really like to ask them on a date' (though in only one cases have I ended up doing so). That feels kind of excessive, but I don't know if that's just because I went from zero cases of attraction to three in just a year. Or maybe I really am just really flighty with my affections. I feel like I have no real context or lens for that.
Compared to the neurotypical, allosexual population for number of people whom one wants to bone and/or date per annum, that is not flighty at all, though it's hard to judge the actual substance of those crushes/attractions/affections.
Well, some people who are neurotypical and allosexual will actually only have a few instances of someone they are interested in pair-bonding with, but barring extreme circumstances, they'll encounter someone sexually attractive with at least some regularity even if they don't have the time to stop and enjoy it.
Come to think of it, I'm curious if polyamorous people find more people they'd be potentially interested in romantically than average.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
One thing I've noticed for myself is that after my first relationship, physical looks matter, but not to the same degree they used to. And because of that, I've found myself generally only rarely attracted to anyone because it requires repeated exposure to get to know them. Or at least a thorough conversation, and I'm just not social enough for either to happen save online where I filter everything through a lens of 90's paranoia about strangers on the internet.
I often seem to find that my search criteria are out of sync with others. Likely because my values are atypical, but I'm unsure. I remember being younger and being interested in women physically, but while that still happens it feels.... distant. I feel detached, like I'm just acknowledging "Yes, she's good looking." And then it ends there because I know nothing about them.
Sometimes it feels like I'm trying to find a person while everyone's trying to offer me mask wearing flesh puppets. Yes, you have nice [insert female sexualized feature here]. So does roughly 50% of the population. Why should I care?
Well, that got a bit off tangent... but yeah. Three people a year sounds about right I suppose. Presuming those numbers aren't inflated by deliberate search.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
Well, my relationship went down in flames (again). I was kind of in free-fall and feeling nothing about it for a few days, but now I guess it's hit home. I feel hurt, confused, bitter, lonely, disappointed, discarded, and rather pathetic (just like I was repeatedly warned I would).
I guess I'm mostly venting here, but any how-to-get-over-a-breakup advice would be welcome.
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Also, while I'm here: wkwkwk1, you need to empty your inbox if you want me to reply to your message :smallsmile:
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
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Originally Posted by
AuthorGirl
Well, my relationship went down in flames (again). I was kind of in free-fall and feeling nothing about it for a few days, but now I guess it's hit home. I feel hurt, confused, bitter, lonely, disappointed, discarded, and rather pathetic (just like I was repeatedly warned I would).
I guess I'm mostly venting here, but any how-to-get-over-a-breakup advice would be welcome.
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Also, while I'm here: wkwkwk1, you need to empty your inbox if you want me to reply to your message :smallsmile:
I solved the feelings about my first breakup by channeling the anger into bettering myself. Perhaps not the healthiest thing to do, use anger like that. But still. By the time I'd finished what I set out to do, the hurt was gone along with any lingering attachments.
Though at least in my case, there was a fairly legitimate cause to the breakup. I was stalled in a dead end job.
As I recall, the schism between the two of you was more ideological and religious, though I haven't been following closely, so that might not be an option.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
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Originally Posted by
druid91
I solved the feelings about my first breakup by channeling the anger into bettering myself. Perhaps not the healthiest thing to do, use anger like that. But still. By the time I'd finished what I set out to do, the hurt was gone along with any lingering attachments.
Though at least in my case, there was a fairly legitimate cause to the breakup. I was stalled in a dead end job.
As I recall, the schism between the two of you was more ideological and religious, though I haven't been following closely, so that might not be an option.
Sounds like the healthiest thing to do with anger, honestly. Either suppress or channel, and channel into either creative or destructive things . . . anyway. It's definitely an option - there are a thousand and one areas of my life that could use a spring cleaning - but right now my feelings seem more like a dead weight than a fuel source.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
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Originally Posted by
Coidzor
Come to think of it, I'm curious if polyamorous people find more people they'd be potentially interested in romantically than average.
I don't know about other people, but with me it seems to be about one every couple of years, although that's the average and it tends to cluster. For instance, four-five years without meeting someone new, then meeting two new people within a few months and being interested in dating them both. Using just my personal experience, I would think that the number of people found is probably not higher than in monogamous people, it just happens both while already dating and while single? Some of my monogamous friends meet more people they are interested in dating, and do date more people than I do (although one at a time in their case), so I would say there is a huge range even within the same relationship preference, which makes it harder to know the answer to your question. I don't think I've ever seen any statistics about it, at any rate.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
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Originally Posted by
druid91
One thing I've noticed for myself is that after my first relationship, physical looks matter, but not to the same degree they used to. And because of that, I've found myself generally only rarely attracted to anyone because it requires repeated exposure to get to know them. Or at least a thorough conversation, and I'm just not social enough for either to happen save online where I filter everything through a lens of 90's paranoia about strangers on the internet.
I often seem to find that my search criteria are out of sync with others. Likely because my values are atypical, but I'm unsure. I remember being younger and being interested in women physically, but while that still happens it feels.... distant. I feel detached, like I'm just acknowledging "Yes, she's good looking." And then it ends there because I know nothing about them.
Sometimes it feels like I'm trying to find a person while everyone's trying to offer me mask wearing flesh puppets. Yes, you have nice [insert female sexualized feature here]. So does roughly 50% of the population. Why should I care?
Well, that got a bit off tangent... but yeah. Three people a year sounds about right I suppose. Presuming those numbers aren't inflated by deliberate search.
That's fairly concerning. Have you spoken to anyone professional to make sure there's not something going on psychologically or hormonally?
I'm no psychiatrist, but viewing people as not being people seems like very dangerous territory.
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Originally Posted by
AuthorGirl
Well, my relationship went down in flames (again). I was kind of in free-fall and feeling nothing about it for a few days, but now I guess it's hit home. I feel hurt, confused, bitter, lonely, disappointed, discarded, and rather pathetic (just like I was repeatedly warned I would).
I guess I'm mostly venting here, but any how-to-get-over-a-breakup advice would be welcome.
Delete Facebook and otherwise make sure you can't get information about and fixate on your ex or the past relationship.
Mourn.
Hit the gym and otherwise invest in your physical health and fitness, since if you don't make a point to take care of that, it's liable you might slip in that regard and then feel even worse, compounding the problem.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
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Originally Posted by
Coidzor
That's fairly concerning. Have you spoken to anyone professional to make sure there's not something going on psychologically or hormonally?
I'm no psychiatrist, but viewing people as not being people seems like very dangerous territory.
Delete Facebook and otherwise make sure you can't get information about and fixate on your ex or the past relationship.
Mourn.
Hit the gym and otherwise invest in your physical health and fitness, since if you don't make a point to take care of that, it's liable you might slip in that regard and then feel even worse, compounding the problem.
Exaggerating for emphasis rather than litteral.
They're definitely people, I'm quite sure of that. The issue is they try to act like a stereotype of what's considered attractive rather than themselves.
You see or hear lots of people describe themselves in the exact same terms over and over again and it gets... Annoying. Hence my distaste for the words Feisty and Witty.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
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Originally Posted by
druid91
Exaggerating for emphasis rather than litteral.
They're definitely people, I'm quite sure of that. The issue is they try to act like a stereotype of what's considered attractive rather than themselves.
You see or hear lots of people describe themselves in the exact same terms over and over again and it gets... Annoying. Hence my distaste for the words Feisty and Witty.
Would you prefer "I'm just me," or something? It's less that people are putting on a mask as we have limited ways to describe ourselves. Like, I'd be willing to bet there are a bunch of profiles out there that sound like yours, not because you're dull or you copied someone, but just because there are millions of other people using online dating.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
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Originally Posted by
georgie_leech
Would you prefer "I'm just me," or something? It's less that people are putting on a mask as we have limited ways to describe ourselves. Like, I'd be willing to bet there are a bunch of profiles out there that sound like yours, not because you're dull or you copied someone, but just because there are millions of other people using online dating.
That's also annoying. I'd prefer a long ramble over something short and empty.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
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Originally Posted by
AuthorGirl
Well, my relationship went down in flames (again). I was kind of in free-fall and feeling nothing about it for a few days, but now I guess it's hit home. I feel hurt, confused, bitter, lonely, disappointed, discarded, and rather pathetic (just like I was repeatedly warned I would).
I guess I'm mostly venting here, but any how-to-get-over-a-breakup advice would be welcome.
I'll send you a PM by tomorrow!
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
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Originally Posted by
druid91
That's also annoying. I'd prefer a long ramble over something short and empty.
Length doesn't indicate depth though. Or rather: as any politician or Polonius could tell you, it is an eminently human quality to be able to drone on and on with the most creative verbiage without saying anything of substance, communicating messages that would be better served in fewer words :smallwink:
To put it another way, there are certainly people that use short stock phrases because they think it's what you put on a dating profile. There are others though that do so because it's a quick way to sum up a part of themselves they think is important, and they would much rather get to know people with actual interaction than profile skimming so don't try to condense their life story into a ramble.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
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Originally Posted by
georgie_leech
Length doesn't indicate depth though. Or rather: as any politician or Polonius could tell you, it is an eminently human quality to be able to drone on and on with the most creative verbiage without saying anything of substance, communicating messages that would be better served in fewer words :smallwink:
To put it another way, there are certainly people that use short stock phrases because they think it's what you put on a dating profile. There are others though that do so because it's a quick way to sum up a part of themselves they think is important, and they would much rather get to know people with actual interaction than profile skimming so don't try to condense their life story into a ramble.
This comes with two presumptions though.
1.) That efficiency of communication is important.
Which it isn't. In fact, efficiency of communication is downright detrimental. Information overload in the early stages of dating is more likely to scare someone off than it is to encourage them. And secondly the pathway to what's said is often far more interesting than what's being said.
For example. What can be said about someone who claims to be Witty? You can either agree or disagree. That's it. There's nothing of substance to it, nothing to communicate about. It's an empty compliment.
Meanwhile someone who goes to the trouble to SHOW their supposed wit, will often give you something to talk about. For example, there was once a girl who had as part of her profile, a riddle. While I never did solve the thing entirely. We talked back and forth for weeks about interpretations of various lines in the riddle.
The point is to show who you are. Not tell who you are.
2.) That what they have to communicate is accurate.
Again, the problem with descriptors like Feisty or Witty, is that while they may view themselves that way, you on the other hand might not. They are in effect TELLING YOU what to think of them rather than showing themselves and letting you draw your own conclusions. Now, their self descriptions might well BE accurate. But they'll always show a shallower picture than allowing you to look for yourself.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
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Originally Posted by
druid91
Again, the problem with descriptors like Feisty or Witty, is that while they may view themselves that way, you on the other hand might not. They are in effect TELLING YOU what to think of them rather than showing themselves and letting you draw your own conclusions. Now, their self descriptions might well BE accurate. But they'll always show a shallower picture than allowing you to look for yourself.
They take far less time though. And both wittiness and feistyness don't really come off well in text anyways. The simple words alone may attract some and not attract others. As georgie said, some people write this because they feel that is what is supposed to be written while others do so because it is more expedient and efficient. It's arrogant to say one ways is right and the other is wrong.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
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Originally Posted by
Chen
They take far less time though. And both wittiness and feistyness don't really come off well in text anyways. The simple words alone may attract some and not attract others. As georgie said, some people write this because they feel that is what is supposed to be written while others do so because it is more expedient and efficient. It's arrogant to say one ways is right and the other is wrong.
That's kind of the point of a profile after all: "here are traits that I say I have and ideally pictures to demonstrate said traits." "Show don't tell" is all well and good when you have as much space as you need, but I've yet to see a profile expansive enough to give me that kind of picture. Like, I wouldn't expect a single conversation to show me all that much about a person either.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
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Originally Posted by
FinnLassie
I'll send you a PM by tomorrow!
Much appreciated, thanks! :smallsmile:
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
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Originally Posted by
Chen
They take far less time though. And both wittiness and feistyness don't really come off well in text anyways. The simple words alone may attract some and not attract others. As georgie said, some people write this because they feel that is what is supposed to be written while others do so because it is more expedient and efficient. It's arrogant to say one ways is right and the other is wrong.
And they may. As I said before, maybe this works out for them. I certainly don't expect them to change the way they do things just to suit me. But in the end, I still feel that Efficiency of wordcount is not exactly what you want.
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Originally Posted by
georgie_leech
That's kind of the point of a profile after all: "here are traits that I say I have and ideally pictures to demonstrate said traits." "Show don't tell" is all well and good when you have as much space as you need, but I've yet to see a profile expansive enough to give me that kind of picture. Like, I wouldn't expect a single conversation to show me all that much about a person either.
Perhaps we see Profiles as having a fundementally different purpose then. See, to me, the profile is meant to be full of conversation starters. Are they about you? Sure! But they're still meant to be less "Basic Description of Self" and more "These are things I enjoy talking or thinking about. Let's talk about them!"
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
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Originally Posted by
druid91
Perhaps we see Profiles as having a fundementally different purpose then. See, to me, the profile is meant to be full of conversation starters. Are they about you? Sure! But they're still meant to be less "Basic Description of Self" and more "These are things I enjoy talking or thinking about. Let's talk about them!"
See, in that language I will totally agree with you. Give me sign if I should open up with a question, small talk, or a cheesy pickup line! :smallcool:
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
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Originally Posted by
druid91
...Again, the problem with descriptors like Feisty or Witty, is that while they may view themselves that way, you on the other hand might not. They are in effect TELLING YOU what to think of them rather than showing themselves and letting you draw your own conclusions. Now, their self descriptions might well BE accurate. But they'll always show a shallower picture than allowing you to look for yourself.
One can give a solid glimpse of personality while still being concise, and one can ramble on interminably without saying anything of substance. In a real-world situation, concise beats interminable simply because people get bored.
I think what you're talking about has less to do with being concise and more to do with being lazy, though. Try making a female profile to look over male profiles, and you'll see the same thing. (Hell, profiles whose entire text consists of "ask me" are not uncommon in either sex.) A lot of people are lazy and uncreative. A lot more simply don't understand the nature of the platform. They're not people I'm particularly enthused to meet, but their motives are still very comprehensible.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
Wittiness and feistieness are definitely things where you need to show them, not just tell them.
It's akin to declaring yourself very smart. Misses the point at best, and can ring hollow or seem boorish or worse.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
Blargh. Two friends appear to be getting flirty with one another in a way that is making my own lack of romantic interaction uncomfortable, compounded by still having a lingering crush that was rejected on one of said friends. Any advice on potential ways to more quickly get over a crush, bearing in mind that losing either of them as a friend is undesirable? The discomfort is on my end; they're not doing anything wrong.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
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Originally Posted by
georgie_leech
Blargh. Two friends appear to be getting flirty with one another in a way that is making my own lack of romantic interaction uncomfortable, compounded by still having a lingering crush that was rejected on one of said friends. Any advice on potential ways to more quickly get over a crush, bearing in mind that losing either of them as a friend is undesirable? The discomfort is on my end; they're not doing anything wrong.
I would tell them that I think it is great and that I approve. It let's them know it's okay for them to hae a relationship, that you aren't harboring any resentment or desire to intervene, and that they are being super obvious.
Then not only will they know they are being obvious but you can object to them acting coupley without seeming like the objection is jealousy.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
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Originally Posted by
Tvtyrant
I would tell them that I think it is great and that I approve. It let's them know it's okay for them to hae a relationship, that you aren't harboring any resentment or desire to intervene, and that they are being super obvious.
Then not only will they know they are being obvious but you can object to them acting coupley without seeming like the objection is jealousy.
Thanks, but I really don't see their behavior as a problem; my holding onto a crush that was unrequited in the first place isn't exactly good for me.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
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Originally Posted by
georgie_leech
Blargh. Two friends appear to be getting flirty with one another in a way that is making my own lack of romantic interaction uncomfortable, compounded by still having a lingering crush that was rejected on one of said friends. Any advice on potential ways to more quickly get over a crush, bearing in mind that losing either of them as a friend is undesirable? The discomfort is on my end; they're not doing anything wrong.
The best way is the standard way. Distance yourself. Get laid. Find someone else to be interested in.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
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Originally Posted by
georgie_leech
Thanks, but I really don't see their behavior as a problem; my holding onto a crush that was unrequited in the first place isn't exactly good for me.
I misunderstood then. My apologies.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
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Originally Posted by
Tvtyrant
I misunderstood then. My apologies.
No worries. Such a situation would be easier to deal with, since...
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Originally Posted by
Coidzor
The best way is the standard way. Distance yourself. Get laid. Find someone else to be interested in.
Yeah, that's what I was afraid of. Such are the perils of crushing on your friends, I suppose.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
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Originally Posted by
georgie_leech
Yeah, that's what I was afraid of. Such are the perils of crushing on your friends, I suppose.
And remember, this doesn't have to mean you don't see those friends at all. Just maybe sit out a bit more often than you would.
You can also try to change your perspective a bit. What I mean is, here are two good friends of yours, who are getting together with people who you genuinely know are good people. (I assume, since you're friends with both of them.)
Friends having good partners is, of course, great for them. But it's also great for you. You don't have to be worried if the person they're dating is an *******, or that they'll be hurt by someone malicious. And you don't get the stress of having a friend in a bad relationship pushed onto you.
So although it of course sucks that your crush wasn't returned, this sounds like the second best option?
.
And finally, if you're still having trouble, it can also help to have a spotter. Is there another friend that hangs out with the same group? Tell them the situation, that you don't want to come between anything, and ask them to tell you if you're being weird about it. A quick kick under the table can do wonders.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
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Originally Posted by
ve4grm
And remember, this doesn't have to mean you don't see those friends at all. Just maybe sit out a bit more often than you would.
You can also try to change your perspective a bit. What I mean is, here are two good friends of yours, who are getting together with people who you genuinely know are good people. (I assume, since you're friends with both of them.)
Friends having good partners is, of course, great for them. But it's also great for you. You don't have to be worried if the person they're dating is an *******, or that they'll be hurt by someone malicious. And you don't get the stress of having a friend in a bad relationship pushed onto you.
So although it of course sucks that your crush wasn't returned, this sounds like the second best option?
Oh yeah, rationally this is a fine state of affairs. Alas, good ol' hind-brain hasn't quite caught up with the rest of me :smalltongue:
Quote:
And finally, if you're still having trouble, it can also help to have a spotter. Is there another friend that hangs out with the same group? Tell them the situation, that you don't want to come between anything, and ask them to tell you if you're being weird about it. A quick kick under the table can do wonders.
And this is a fantastic idea, as that actually is one of my concerns, and this is an eminently sensible course that I hadn't considered.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
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Originally Posted by
georgie_leech
Oh yeah, rationally this is a fine state of affairs. Alas, good ol' hind-brain hasn't quite caught up with the rest of me :smalltongue:
And this is a fantastic idea, as that actually is one of my concerns, and this is an eminently sensible course that I hadn't considered.
No worries, man. And knowing there's a pair of eyes watching you can help you watch yourself, too.
You'll be fine, in the end. It just takes some time.
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Re: Relationship Woes and Advice XXVIII: Happy and Perfect!
Quote:
Originally Posted by
georgie_leech
Any advice on potential ways to more quickly get over a crush, bearing in mind that losing either of them as a friend is undesirable? The discomfort is on my end; they're not doing anything wrong.
Consider going out and interacting with people of whatever gender you prefer. It'll take time for you to go back to friendly feelings, but giving your system a jumpstart by flirting (or even browsing!) other options might be good for you. Even if you aren't intending any sort of relationship, just noticing traits in others that you might desire or need in a partner that your crush lacks can sometimes help.
Also, you'd be giving the couple some room. I don't advise not spending time with them, but less frequently may also help.