A short story I wrote

This is a little short story I wrote about the five main characters in a book I'm writing playing Dungeons and Dragons.

Characters
Charlie: Smartass. Playing a rogue.
Thomas: Charlie's brother. Generally a nice guy. DM.
Jacob: Stoic. Playing a silent fighter.
Constance: Nature lover. Playing a druid,
Biff: Arrogant genius. Playing a wizard.

Spoiler

Show

19 minutes in the session…
Charlie: I look at the princess and I tell her “It must’ve been lonely, being up in that tower.”
Thomas: “It really was. Five years without seeing another person.”
Charlie: “You must be really grateful that I rescued you.”
Thomas: “I really”-wait, you can’t do that!
Charlie: Hey, when we started this you said we could do anything!
Thomas: You can’t do the elf princess! People don’t have sex in Dungeons & Dragons!
Constance: That why everyone runs around holding giant warhammers or huge swords.
Thomas: I don’t know how to respond to that. Look Charlie, you can do anything else that isn’t…that.
Charlie: [thinks for a moment] I want to go watch TV. [gets up and leaves]
Thomas: I guess I’m going to have to take over his character as a DMPC.

In between these two parts, Biff googled what a DMPC was. Upon finding out, and how they're usually treated, Biff killed Charlie's/Thomas' characters in the middle of the night. Since none of the other players liked Charlie's character, they let it slide.

53 painfully long minutes later…
Thomas: Alright, you’re all at the tavern now. What do you guys do?
Constance: Is there vegetarian food in the tavern?
Thomas: What?
Constance: Is there food for vegetarians?
Thomas: Yeah, sure.
Constance: Well what is it?
Thomas: ….tofu.
Constance: Ooh, great! I go to the counter and ask the guy for a bowl full of it!
Biff: Your setting is meant to harken back to the European middle ages, but with a fantastical twist. Tofu, while it has existed in China for thousands of years, did not spread from it until the 1800s.
Jacob: Obviously tofu spread much earlier in this setting because of magic.
Thomas: Yeah, let’s go with that. Biff, what do you do?
Biff: I go ask the bartender for a big jug of beer. That way, I can get inebriated and forget about the tofu.
Thomas: Fine, you’re at the counter asking the guy when this other big patron who looks like Shrek, but Caucasian, gets behind you in line and says “Stupid sorcerer! Move out of the way so I can get my drink!”
Constance: Shrek, but Caucasian?
Biff: I tell him “My good sir, a wizard gets a drink whenever he damn well feels like it. You will wait your turn patiently.”
Thomas: He snorts and says “Bah! I won’t take orders from a guy in a dress! You know what, I bet you’re not even a real wizard. I bet you’re a hedge mage!”
Biff: “A…I have never been so insulted! Burn in the Nine Hells, foul man!” I cast Fireball. [rolls dice]
Thomas: …you hit him and he turns to ash. People begin running out of the tavern to summon the guards. The bar tender pulls out a crossbow that was behind the counter. What do you do Jacob?
Jacob: I leave.
Thomas: What do you do Constance?
Constance: I finish my tofu and leave as well.
Biff: How very sweet of you.
Thomas: The bar tender fires it, [rolls dice] and the bolt hits you and you take 9 damage.
Biff: I only have 6 hits points.
Thomas: Too bad. You are now dying.

21 minutes later…
Thomas: …I still can’t believe you managed to roll a natural 20 to lock pick your cell door open.
Biff: Now that I’ve escaped from prison, I will head to wherever Constance and Jacob are to seek my revenge.
Thomas: …you have no way of knowing where they are.
Biff: A wizard always knows where his targets are in the name of revenge!
Thomas: …where are the two of you?
Constance: The fountain in the middle of town.
Jacob: A weapons store.
Constance: [dirty look]
Jacob: The fountain in the middle of town.
Thomas: Biff, you arrive in about nine minutes. What do you do?
Biff: I yell at the two of them “You abandoned me! You let me go to jail! Now you will die!”
Jacob: [googles Wizards fighting fighters in D&D, quickly reads a few forum threads] I’m dead.
Constance: Bah, I’m a druid! Nature always wins in the end!
Charlie [from other room]: What are you going to do, put a flower in his hair?
[everyone]: Shut up Charlie!

4 minutes later…
Thomas: Biff, since you killed every other party member, I think I’m going to have to end this campaign. Fifty years later Biff, you die at the age of 106. In jail. Your body is thrown into the sea.
Constance: Where it is eaten by a shark. Nature always wins in the end.
Thomas: We could play another session next we-
Jacob: I'm uh, busy. I have...a thing.
Biff: No. I have to upgrade one of my gadgets.
Constance: Busy, going to a convention for animal lovers.
Charlie [from other room]: No. Not a chance in hell.

Please critique :smallsmile:

Are you writing this book in script format? Because a script is a lot more than just dialogue.

Nope. It's written the "normal" way.

Okay, the issue is that it isn't a story - it's a fragment of a story and not a whole lot happens. I guess without seeing the rest of the story (or even the bits just before or after) it has no context so is literally just a transcript of some people who don't seem to like each other much sitting around playing D&D.
Then they stop.

Yay? :smallconfused:

Don't get me wrong, there's nothing horribly wrong with it, but there's not much to comment on. As Enemy said, there's dialogue, but nothing else (and being written like that is really weird to read if it's not going to be a script).
A section of prose that is just people sitting and talking can still have huge amounts of descriptions attached - facial expressions, body language, inner monologues etc. These are tools to give character to the cast - if you have to tell a reader beforehand a character is a smartass for them to realise it he's probably not a very good at it.

If we had more idea what the scene was meant to convey or what this interaction is setting up (eg conflict in the group or somesuch) I'd be able to say if it works or not. Sadly, as a standalone piece it is lacking in any narrative.