Long-awaited (mostly, or at least most vocally, by mebecronck, I think) critiques! Finally, you can stop doing the double-post-merge thing! Also, I'm glad I'm not the only one who does that :smalltongue:
@Lord Raziere
Spoiler
Quote 1
Oh, I like her already.Quote:
These are all last resorts in social manipulation, especially for a spell caster.
That comma should be a semicolon, since it's dividing two complete thoughts.Quote:
you have to use as little magic as possible, you have to know how they think
I'm with you until the end of this sentence--it's still technically okay, but a little twisty for my tastes. I might break it up in a sort of "the skill of a manipulator lies not in how much of her own power she can use, but in how little" way.Quote:
The skill of a manipulator lies in how much power she does not need to wield herself to get other people to wield power for her.
You're doing a lot of perspective-switching (between "you" and "she" and "they" and back to "you"). Try to stick with just one, or maybe two if you can get away with it smoothly.Quote:
The very best manipulators don't even need to lie. They just give the needed information for people to make the assumptions that you want them to make...
This is a really long sentence. It's hard to follow on the page, and if you imagine someone speaking it (as this is a quote), it's much more difficult. If you break it up into more discrete ideas, I would say this is probably at least three sentences.Quote:
They just give the needed information for people to make the assumptions that you want them to make and connect the dots you want connected, and then to act on their own conclusions, and thus even if you are found out, the only role in it they can accuse you of is being a bad informant, when most of the blame rests upon themselves for their actions.
If you want to keep the word order the same, you need a comma after "truth-twisting". I'd probably rearrange this sentence, though; it's not very natural-sounding (and you want a quote from a skilled manipulator to be natural-sounding!).Quote:
Of course, truth-twisting while great tool, is not the only one.
*capital TQuote:
there are times when an outright lie, or a spell is needed.
I'd also probably continue to emphasize the avoidance of spells: "or even a spell..."
*I, however, recommend... (or change the word order to be more natural)Quote:
I however recommend that one often include elements of the truth even in their lies.
You've got a couple other problems here: first, you've switched perspective again to a third-person impersonal ("one"), which just seems really out of place. Second, "one" is singular: it does not agree with "their lies". You've been using "she" as your go-to pronoun, so "often include elements of truth, even in her lies." (also note the comma)
This should be two sentences.Quote:
This makes them more grounded in reality, also don't go over board with lies.
No comma necessary after "Spells".Quote:
Spells, are a last resort
Don't introduce a paragraph about spells and then immediately change the topic to lies. It's jarring.Quote:
With lies, there is a higher risk of people finding out that what you said was false and thus doing something differently.
Comma after "sure"; you're missing an "of" after "risk", and break up this sentence a little.Quote:
Sure more power is gained in what you can tell them to do, but doing so runs the risk that very same power and control being broken or rendered useless.
*it'sQuote:
Always solve a problem with a dagger if you can, never be afraid to use a hammer when its appropriate, and always keep your sword at the ready when neither will suffice."
I might also change the end of this sentence since the "neither" is a little too vague--maybe just "when it's necessary". I do really like this phrase on the whole, though.
Quote 2
Commas before and after "however"Quote:
The true limit of a manipulator however is knowledge.
No comma here.Quote:
Being caught with equal knowledge to your foe, is like being caught in a fair fight.
Comma after "sure"Quote:
Sure its possible
That comma after "you" should be a semicolon instead.Quote:
Furthermore, know the people around you, know their capabilities and their weaknesses.
I know what you mean, but this is an awkward phrase.Quote:
what buttons they react to
Missing a "you" in there.Quote:
carry out any of your orders when don't even trust them
Capital P.Quote:
paranoia is a self-fulfilling prophecy
Quote 3
This is surprising news!Quote:
There are a few reasons I wield a trident.
This is a pretty long, convoluted sentence. I'd replace "don't know who I am" with "don't know me", and try to take out some of the other extraneous stuff ("and will", for instance, is not necessary). That, or make this two sentences so it might flow better. The same goes for the next sentence. While I appreciate the symmetry, you can keep the comparison while still making readable sentences.Quote:
One is so that people who don't know who I am will assume that I can and will use it and therefore will focus on the trident and will be surprised when I cast a spell.
I like this whole little quote, and all that it implies. I think this is actually the strongest of the three, because it's short and to-the-point, instead of being overly-expository.Quote:
The misdirection works both ways.
@mebecronck
I really wish there were a way to get notified when a post is edited. So far I have not found one.
SpoilerJessica 4 Response
SpoilerSo you're saying no one was interested in the angel in the interrogation room?Quote:
There were no officers on the other side of the window. They would only be present if this was an official interrogation. They are actually hesitant to officially admit that she is present in the building at this moment.
Jessica 6 Response
SpoilerOf course I did :smalltongue:Quote:
I don't know if you meant it this way, but I read that as Aladdin singing.
The Hostage Response
SpoilerHere's the problem: yeah, I was surprised, but that surprise doesn't have a positive effect on me. What it does is make me realize that my mental representation of the previous sequence was wrong, which breaks me out of the story. I'd have been no less surprised if you told me who he grabbed while it was happening, except that I would have been able to stay immersed throughout the scene instead of having to go back and recreate everything to fit with the new information. This kind of surprise reveal can work in a movie, where the visuals are being presented directly, but in text you're relying on the audience to create the scene, and leaving out information mostly just makes it more difficult for the reader to "get into it".Quote:
That "OH." tells me I did my job. I wanted you surprised that it was Mister Jefe at this point.
Critique of PM's Snippet
I also wanted to mention that your critique of PaperMustache's snippet is basically correct, in that Mya is the main character of the story, not Sam (the narrator in the latest snippet). It might make more sense if you read the preceding snippets in this series ("The Curse"). This snippet served to give the reader some distance from Mya, since she's (I'm guessing, anyway) going to go off the deep end eventually.
---Actual Comments---
JMHS 7
SpoilerOooh. The plot, she thickens.Quote:
"Of course she didn't take the offering." A calm voice comes from a shadowy corner of the room.
This is not a sentence.Quote:
A corner that was a moment before well lit.
No need for "well"; it's just awkward. For that matter, you use "well X" too much in general; I count three occurrences in this paragraph alone.Quote:
He moves with well practiced posture
lolQuote:
"You gave a horrible interview to the angel."
I'm going to keep harassing you about this, once per snippet, until it sticks: end the quote with a comma if the sentence continues, like this one.Quote:
"Just look at yourself." The man snaps at him.
Also, you don't need "at him" on there. There are only two characters involved. "Just look at yourself," the man snaps.
This is not a sentence. Also, flea-ridden should be hyphenated.Quote:
His eyes bloodshot and clothes flea ridden.
Comma, not semicolon.Quote:
"There; there." The man in the tuxedo says in a calming voice.
*breathsQuote:
Michael takes a few deep breathes
lol again. Now here you've got the comma, but it's not really appropriate! This is really two sentences, '"I will be honest with you."' and 'The man lays one hand on Michael's shoulder, "It sounds silly."'Quote:
"I will be honest with you," the man lays one hand on Michael's shoulder, "It sounds silly.
Uh. Hm.Quote:
"You said it yourself. The angel comes to reap the souls of two-thirds the population of the planet. That means one-third must be saved. You must prepare that one-third."
Naturally.Quote:
"And should you find some wanting along the way, I'm sure the angel wouldn't mind if you made her job easier." The man in the tuxedo summons an ebony dagger from his coat.
:smalleek: This is a great end to the snippet, and a very nice snippetty twist in general.Quote:
"Jack. Son." The man says with a wicked smile.
"I understand. From this day forth," Michael stands upright trying to imitate the tuxedoed man's perfect posture, "I am Pastor Jackson."
The Meeting
SpoilerUsing quotes here makes for a kind of strange cold-open, since we never see who he was talking to. The rest of this opening paragraph is great, though.Quote:
"I hate wizards." Though I don't have any other choice.
You've got plurality issues throughout this paragraph. It first sounds like you did one favor for a bunch of wizards, and then they (a bunch of wizards) do one thing for you... It would be cleaner if you stuck with the entirely-single thing you've got going on in the final sentence.Quote:
Calling in a favor with wizards is never a good idea. Their ego leads them to believe that their return service is always superior than whatever you did for them. You call in a favor with a wizard and you wind up in debt.
:smallbiggrin:Quote:
this place could pass for one the circles of hell.
Comic-Con.
Fair.Quote:
I can't argue with his reasoning, though. He will definitely blend in.
Quote:
He is dressed in red robes with arcane patterns coveringoverevery inch of it.
Quote:
They matchwiththe tattoos
Get rid of extraneous words. That last one isn't even a sentence until you take "that" out.Quote:
One thingthatdoes concern me.
lolQuote:
"Hey, grandpa! Your cosplay SUCKS!" Some foolish teenager shouts at the red wizard as he passes by.
*makes it easier for them... ?Quote:
It makes them easier to look down on me.
"studied extensively" works fine on its own, but since you're using "studied" in a transitive sense here, you probably want a different phrase. "he has extensive knowledge of", for instance.Quote:
he has studied extensively one of the more trivial fields of magic
Keep your plurality in check--this phrase indicates quite clearly that "soccer moms everywhere" share a single husband. Though in context, that's kind of funny, I don't think it's what you're going for.Quote:
soccer moms everywhere concerned over whether or not their husband is cheating on them.
This dude is getting creepy.Quote:
Devlin still smiles. Not once has the expression dropped.
Missing an "at", and you could probably stand to either remove "his finger" (redundant) or use a more evocative word than "point".Quote:
Thazar points his finger Devlin.
Classy. Fun snippet overall; I'm quite intrigued. I guess I'll have to wait for Devlin the creepy diviner to figure out what's up, though.Quote:
Devlin turns and walks away. Thazar hovers just long enough to say, "You owe us for this."
Football
SpoilerHas this crossover been going on the whole time and I just missed it until now?? I mean, I get that a lot of your stories are tied together in one way or another, but stil...Quote:
Thazar's magic
Oh my god.Quote:
goatball
Great image.Quote:
Jessica clings to her entry ticket with both hands. She is hopping with each step she takes.
*hits, and I was wondering how long this would take haha.Quote:
The aroma of grilled hot dogs and burgers finally hit him and he starts to drool.
hahaha what a nerd. :smalltongue:Quote:
Jessica pulls out a book and starts flipping through the pages. "It looks like both are correct."
lolQuote:
"You have never been to a football game before, have you?"
"No, sir."
It's always funny to see how many real-world characters you sneak into these.Quote:
"It's no problem. My name is Don Hayes, but my friends call me Donny."
Comma after "while"Quote:
All the while the guy behind them has been a complete nuisance.
No apostrophe needed here.Quote:
the Trojan's now have possession of the ball.
Now it's now completely clear, but it sounds like the Trojans got an interception? (based on the "now" in the previous sentence). If that's the case, it's pretty unlikely that the QB would be on the field. And if that's not what's going on, it's probably worth clarifying that the Trojans already had the ball.Quote:
The quarterback is running across the field and there is no one in his way to prevent a touchdown.
Had to happen eventually. And Cronc was being so well-behaved, too!Quote:
"Argh! You stupid bitch." The man in the shirt shouts, "I knew there was something I didn't like about you. Damn Trojan girl."
This man spent $200 before the game on his food arsenal.Quote:
The man throws his bag of peanuts at Jessica.
Ouch. Also, comma after the first "this".Quote:
"You keep out of this prick, this is between me and teen Barbie bitch here."
*clenches ("clinch" is to settle or confirm)Quote:
The shirtless man clinches his fists.
Oh my god Cronc is adorable.Quote:
Cronc does his best to restrain himself for even a moment. He grabs some money from his pocket and hands it to Jess. "U go git u snakks. Wi," Cronc pauses looking for the right word, "tawk. Wi tawk, yah." This is the most restraint Cronc has ever used in his life. To him, it is painful.
This line is really stilted; I cannot for the life of me picture this raging shirtless jackass saying "football is not for you".Quote:
Football is not for you valley bitches anyways.
You don't need "and start a fight". The intent is plenty obvious to everyone who isn't Jess.Quote:
"You loud mouth punk. I should knock your teeth out." Donny starts to remove his shirt and start a fight.
There it is!Quote:
Cronc turns around and slams one fist into the shirtless man, pinning him into the back of his seat. "U MAEK JESS CRIE!"
This doesn't make sense to me. I have no idea why this man would utter those words.Quote:
"Come ... on ..." the shirtless man chokes out the words, "It's just ... compe ...tition."
You don't need that comma, and *I. Also, is she saying this out loud?Quote:
"Maybe, I'm just don't fit in with these sports games." Jessica tries to hold back the tears.
lol. Wonderful.Quote:
"Is that ...," Jessicca says in disbelief. She sees a shirtless man flying between the goal posts.
haha.Quote:
"NO WUN MESS WIT CRONC ... eh ..." he looks for the word, "NICE!"
"Niece," Jessica corrects.
hahahaha what??Quote:
He will be in a body cast for a year, but he will be okay."
For some reason this snippet is a particular gem, even among the other Cronc shorts. Enjoyable on every readthrough :smallbiggrin:
The Hostage (second draft)
SpoilerOkay, I didn't mention it before but you're doing it a whole bunch now: the word is "ado", meaning "fuss", "activity", or "bother".Quote:
Without further adieu
"Adieu" means farewell in French (literally a dieu, [I commend you] to God).
This is an awful lot of really simple sentences back to back to back. Try to combine or rephrase a couple of them to make the flow of the prose feel a little less repetitive.Quote:
The guy I'm impersonating liked to smoke. That got him killed. His body is now in a dumpster outside the back door. I used the magic woven into my clothes to change them into his. The magic hides my tools and weapons. I used a few makeup tricks to make myself look exactly like him. I picked up his gun to complete the disguise. I don't know how to use the damn thing, but I can hold it like I know what to do.
I'm not allowed in the room that is holding the hostage. I can look inside thanks to my cat, Lucky. With a simple arcane spell I can look through her eyes. She is perched on a high window on the southern wall. She can see the man tied to the chair. Mister Jefe is taking a break from beating him in the face.
Comma after "eyes".Quote:
Through Lucky's eyes I examine the room in detail.
Well, not really. It does make your bomb more effective, though.Quote:
This helps my smoke bomb.
Motive! Huzzah!Quote:
I hate drug dealers with a particular passion
Comma after "room".Quote:
Lucky, still being my eyes in the room can see that the smoke is starting to clear up.
Comma after "thug".Quote:
A little smarter than the average thug in my opinion.
*tooQuote:
His tone of voice is not to far off from my natural speaking voice.
Capital S in "Spanish".Quote:
It is not a typical spanish accent.
I'd combine these. Also, good job setting up the whole fear thing before this. It makes this moment much more understandable. However, this scene lacks the intimate intensity that the previous version had. I think two things could help that. One, put the reasoning for what you're about to do in a new paragraph before this paragraph, and then group all your actions together like you had originally (knifing him, grabbing his head, stare into his eyes until he's dead). That will preserve the brutality of that moment better. Two, you could consider giving Master Jefe a little (very little) agency here; leting him have an action--choking, eyes rolling around frantically; etc.Quote:
I want him to know. I am not afraid.
This is a much better way to get out. Kudos.Quote:
"GET IN THERE AND KILL THAT PENDEJO!"
*"fireworks" is one word. Also, lol. So much for stealth, I guess?Quote:
I will be safely away from the building, watching the fire works with Lucky.
This is a good revision. You've definitely addressed the main points without overexposing, and we got to see a little more characterization for our "hero". Good stuff.
Ethereal
SpoilerI'd take this out. The Spook House is good on its own, and it was obviously named by children--but the effect is ruined if you call attention to it.Quote:
He creatively named the old building The Spook House. Appropriate for the imagination of someone almost eight.
SDT! This whole sentence could easily be condensed to a couple of words in the sentence where he's introduced.Quote:
Being oldest makes him feel like he is in charge, despite being the shortest.
Oh no sorry guys gotta go bye!Quote:
"I can't stay in there for an hour, my curfew is in thirty minutes," Bobby tries to escape, "Guess I will have to do it some other time."
Nope, stop mentioning the specific name.Quote:
gives the building the perfect atmosphere to call it The Spook House.
haha okay this is really good.Quote:
It also has the same effect as two magnets with the same poles pointing at each other. The closer Bobby gets to the front door, the slower he moves.
If only they could spell, though :smalltongue:Quote:
"Come on! CHIKEN!" All the kids start clucking and flapping their arms.
Whew. It's nice to put in this reminder that this is a kids' "folk tale" rather than necessarily a real thing. Yep. Definitely not a real thing.Quote:
The kids didn't even get detention.
Something is wrong with this sentence here.Quote:
The screen turns glows blue.
Awesome.Quote:
They are not crawling. They are hovering. Their wings are not even flapping. Cockroaches, spiders, flies, and other insects he doesn't recognize are hovering inches off the ground and moving in tight circles.
Quote:
The walls glow with the blue light,making everything seem blue.
Quote:
No iris, no pupils, just black.Ebony black eyes.
Get rid of redundant stuff.Quote:
She is looking right at him.Her whole head has turned to face his directly.
What does ghost girl sound like?!?!? Super important moment and I can't envision it!Quote:
Her mouth opens slowly and she sings.
Combine this into one thought. "Bobby can see right through her body to the TV across the room" or something.Quote:
Bobby can see her body is transparent, as he can see the TV through her dress.
Quote:
Her head hanging low, with her stringy hair covering her face.
Quote:
Her head inches away from his.
Quote:
Her stringy hair parting to reveal her face.
None of these are sentences. You tend to do this a lot. These sort of add-on descriptions can usually just be attached, as-is, to the end of the previous sentence, with a comma. "She lifts her head slowly, her stringy hair parting to reveal her face".Quote:
Just pure black.
This would be much more effective if you mentioned him leaving the flashlight behind as he's running from The Spook House. Then you just describe the flashlight now sitting at the end of the bed, with the note, without having to be explicit about "GET IT THE GHOST OF SUZIE SYDELL MUST HAVE BROUGHT IT BACK."Quote:
He stretches his arms and then looks down. His eyes open wide in terror. His flashlight is at the end of his bed. He didn't pick it up before he left The Spook House. How did it get here?
Anyway, I enjoyed it :smallbiggrin: Especially the meat of the snippet, set inside the house; that was very effective.
Teacher Parent Conference
SpoilerTthhhhhpoilerthhhh!!!Quote:
"Thank you," Jessica tries to hold back tears, "Do you think Janet will be mad? I still have to give her the letter."
...Man that word looks just awful all dragged out like that and with one capital letter. Man.
haha I like Isabelle.Quote:
"YOUR DAD!" Isabelle's voice breaks an octave in terror, "As in, rain death upon the legions of Hell, feel my wrath, stand before me and suffer damnation, DAD!"
"One and the same," Jessica sighs and walks up to him.
You could possibly replace the struck-out stuff with "instead" or something similar.Quote:
Isabelle takes several steps backaway from him.
This is way too exposition-y. First, we already know he's in human form because that's how you described him in the first place, standing between them and the bus. Second, we already know what he looks like in general, and third, even if we didn't, anything you say here is totally irrelevant compared to Isabelle's description of him. You probably don't need any part of this paragraph.Quote:
Jack is in a human form. His wings are gone and his eyes look normal, except the iris is pure white.
Comma after "here".Quote:
"What are you doing here father?"
"Tones" is plural; it should agree with "don't". Or else "in a flat tone that doesn't..."Quote:
Jack says in flat tones that doesn't match his angry expression.
Missing an s.Quote:
and enunciate each word perfectly.
Again, great moment for Isabelle.Quote:
Isabelle walks around Jack as he passes by, keeping a wide gap around him. She runs up to Jessica and asks in a panicked voice, "Your dad isn't about to kill Mr. Pierson, is he?"
Poor Mr. Pierson.Quote:
"I will stand."
Oh Jesus Christ. You really have no sense of subtlety at all, do you Jack?Quote:
"You will be silent, or I will silence you."
This is awesome.Quote:
The painted cinderblocks that make the walls slowly transform into polished marble. The carpeted floor becomes solid, smooth stone.
Heh. Well, it's hard to argue with his results. This was a good snippet; the only major thing I'd change is that this "epilogue" secion is needlessly long. All we really need to know is that Mr. Pierson changed his ways, but we get a whole lot more than that--seeing the formation of the study group is nice, but not super necessary. I think the snippet has more of a punch if we follow Mr. Pierson instead, transitioning from when he runs out of the room to when he walks back in the next day.Quote:
"Jessica, what did you have trouble with?"
My Impatience
SpoilerI hope you don't mind that I'm not doing a big critique on this one. I did really enjoy it, though :smalltongue: Poor Cat 4 and Cat 5. At least they died in the name of SCIENCE! Do you want it in the archive? Can used fondue pots access the internet?
JMHS 8
SpoilerI think you could just remove the second one.Quote:
Navy retired myself," he snaps himself out of recalling the old days, "Open the door. I want to speak with her myself."
*laughsQuote:
Janet laughes while looking at the attendee sideways.
How else would he wave her off? With his foot?Quote:
He waves her off with his hand.
More restraint than I have, that's for sure.Quote:
She restrains herself from opening the bag herself to check it out.
Comma after "says".Quote:
She says beaming a smile at The Chief.
That should be a semicolon.Quote:
You can call me The Chief, everyone else does."
Comma after "you", comma after "says", and that should be a comma after "Anders".Quote:
"A pleasure to meet you Chief Anders." Jessica says still beaminga smile.
*stand, I think?Quote:
She sees the guard stands at attention right in the doorway.
Oh my God what? Is the Chief that much of a history nerd??Quote:
"So your dad killed Hamilcar Barca?" Chief Anders says, laughing between words.
hahahahahahahaha. YES.Quote:
"What? No, I don't need Sherry anymore." Jessica's face turns red as she starts looking back and forth between Janet and Chief Anders.
I'm on Team Dad for Most Obnoxious Dad.Quote:
"Are you certain? I recall you have trouble sleeping without her."
Despite how you've written it, this is one sentence, and therefore it should only have one period. The other ones should be commas.Quote:
"Good night, father." Jessica says between her teeth. Hoping to end the conversation.
The rest of this scene is gold.Quote:
She whispers, "The teddy bear my dad made for me."
That should end with a "?"Quote:
"Okay," Chief Anders takes a long pause, "Is he still listening."
Should this actually be Janet both times, or should the second one be Jessica? I just can't really tell. If it's Janet both times, you can just refer to her as "She". Anyway, fun as ever and it's good to see that Jessica makes friends out of everyone she meets. I wouldn't be surprised if this ends up being an actual hidden benefit of being half-deva. One overall critique is that Janet seems overly... peppy, or enthusiastic, in this one. She spends an awful lot of time laughing, compared to previous snippets.Quote:
Janet answers, "Probably, but he won't answer unless we say something to him." Janet tries to hold back her laughter.
---Response to Critique---
Response to your critique of Slime, Muck, and Filth Part I
SpoilerI do try to slip in as much humor as I can, even though this is a pretty grim situation. I have to get some jokes in while I can though, because things are going to get pretty dark in a couple more chapters. :smalltongue:Quote:
Curse you Gods of Ironic Humor!
Pretty much, yep! Claaus is tough and loyal to his friends, but he's not awfully imaginative lol.Quote:
The Devil, "He really thinks Hell couldn't be worse than being submerged is sewage." He starts laughing, and nudges Jack with his elbow.
How would anyone have noticed? :smallamused:Quote:
Also, I'm disappointed in you. They are in the sewers, surrounded by crap, and you didn't make one fart joke. Not one! I had higher hopes for you.
:smallsigh: I know. part of that is his character and part of it is that the guy who plays him doesn't characterize him as well as the rest of the party, so I just don't have as much to go on. I've got some good scenes with him coming up, though, so hopefully I'll get a chance to work him out a little more. Though really what I need to do is fix this snippet, since he actually gets some spotlight in here.Quote:
Although, I feel Filbert wasn't as well developed as the others. I could tell a lot about Nim and our hero, but Filbert just seems a bit generic.
Anyway, one million thanks for your comments!!
@Winds
SpoilerThe Truth
Spoilerhaha.Quote:
They're both so dedicated to doing the right thing that I'm certain I can trust them.
*us?Quote:
Kol waves as to silence.
At the very least, the second paragraph needs a comma after "you". The real problem here is that this dialogue just isn't very natural.Quote:
What do you sense? Or you Aileph?
Generally speaking, use the same punctuation to set off an interjection on both sides. So "I chock back a scream--something I'm quite adept at now--and return to the group." I also prefer double-hyphens (in this format where you can't easily get long-dashes) to distinguish hyphenated words from long-dash-style hyphens.Quote:
I choke back a scream-something I'm quite adept at now...and return to the group.
:smallamused:Quote:
"Warlock...ya look like you've seen a ghost."
Oh good, I'm not the only one.Quote:
Jessica giggles at that.
This is a weird thing to say. From later on I gather than he meant "just open the door" but that's not at all clear from this phrasing.Quote:
Then...I guess we do it direct.
I feel like he'd say this whether or not he knew anything at all about a particular foe, lol.Quote:
"Kalach, can it hurt a ghost?"
"Almost certainly.
I'd clarify that this is the pedestal sword ("...free from the...") rather than the one the Pit Fiend is holding. I did a double-take when reading it the first time.Quote:
The quick-thinking scout managed to pull the sword free.
You should mention that this is Kalach talking. In fact, this is true in a lot of your snippets. You've got a cast that's large enough to cause confusion, and you tend not to mention who's saying anything in particular, which makes the scene hard to picture and hurts the characterization of the non-Kalach party members because I can't always attribute words to them properly.Quote:
"No one should, yet. This time, you need to listen to me."
I was wondering when he'd get around to telling people this, lol. Also, you need a new open-quote at the beginning on the new paragraph, to signal that someone is still speaking.Quote:
"I need to tell you more about the towers...and what happened to me when I drew from the deck.
You see, my soul was carried...well, to where we just were. Asmodeus...has been watching us. He did not care for my part in opposing his plans. He hurt me. A lot. But then, the balance card hit...and he made me a deal. He put me back...and told me to keep going. See, these towers...accidentally tied into the great magic that keeps him from working directly outside the Nine. Each tower lost weakens that spell...lets him use more power."
This is funny, though I think it could be phrased more strongly.Quote:
Kol looks concerned, which is about the same by his standards.
Hoo boy.Quote:
Jessica speaks up shyly.
"Um...we could claim it for my father..."
...huh. Now, here's another huge place where I need to know who's talking: is it Kalach or the guy stabbing him (Jack, yes?)? Incidentally yes, great cliffhanger :smallbiggrin:Quote:
I also feel a pain in my stomach. I look down to see the greatsword in the being's hands, and the fact that my ghostly body is already fading into ectoplasm.
"Interesting...choice..."
...And Other Returns
SpoilerSometimes I forget that this is the same world as the one mebecronck writes in. It probably has to do with the fact that mebecronck has at least twoish alternate-universe versions of Jessica, lol.Quote:
"I wish you had not done that" he says. "Our agreement may have kept me from interfering with your life, but I do not tolerate Evil in my presence."
*norQuote:
The deity continues as if neither Jessica not Aileph had interrupted him.
Why use a dash here? A comma would do just fine, no?Quote:
he grabs me by the head-and my head fills with something of the nature of the higher planes.
Alternate title for this snippet: Kalach Gets Out-Sassed.Quote:
"I will not be your patron. You will not pray to me."
For once, I can't think of a sour remark to that.
This... is kind of hard to picture. But I guess that makes sense.Quote:
Still like a flame inside me...but more like I'm surrounded rather than ignited.
Is Kalach feeling... happy?Quote:
It feels good. Better than I've felt about it in a long time.
Hahaha. Aaand the sass is back. Well done.Quote:
"Yes, Jessica. Just one problem."
"What is it?"
"I do not like your father."
@Arkhosia
SpoilerThis is a good description, but it reads as really long, essentially since it's dropped in between two bits of dialogue. I think I might split this into two sentences and set the description before the quote.Quote:
The dark elf, wearing a green blouse, purple cap and cape, and short blue skirt, leaning against the wall with her legs crossed and right arm holding a card deck, gestures toward her left where two figures stood.
Okay first, this is great, and second, it should be in a new paragraph since it's a new speaker.Quote:
"I thought we agreed that you wouldn't call us that!
:smalleek: Uhhhh...Quote:
Besides, your parents named you Roadkill!
hahaha. I like these guys. You've got a good barroom atmosphere going here.Quote:
The eladrin made a throwing gesture, and an illusory tankard of ale flew at Caelynn and shattered.
You need to either capitalize all the big words, or none of them. Doing just the leading "The" and the "Mage" is really awkward. Also, lol.Quote:
And I told you to call me The magnificent Mage and maelstrom of misorder!
:smallconfused: Is this... echoes of SleepyShadow's party? Do we have OOC text getting interpreted literally? Oh I do hope so; I miss those snippets. :smallbiggrin:Quote:
And my backstory is awesome! The readers love a party magician.
I like this intro/interview setup, haha. I'm looking forward to seeing where you go with this. Are you literally asking for people to give you character bios as "applicants"?
@Doxkid
First, let me reiterate my welcome, and clarify that I at least try to give some comments on every snippet that comes through here. If you have requests for a more in-depth critique, or one with a different focus, just let me know and I'll see what I can do. If you'd prefer I not critique your work at all, just say so! Now, onwards!
SpoilerI know what you mean here, but this still gave me the mental image of a forest where all the trees are Halflings :smalltongue:Quote:
In the small Halfling forest
Woah.Quote:
Merely carrying this baby had increased his mother’s power tenfold
This whole passage is lovely.Quote:
None commented on the small silver locket she carried...
Humbly, indeed.Quote:
elders humbly offered her their own names for the infant.
This is a great image.Quote:
His aunts and uncles laughed. “We’ve a little paladin in our midst!” they exclaimed.
You're doing a great job with this sand. It has just enough presence to be menacing.Quote:
Within months though, the sand returned to choking life from the forest.
This is a great cinematic event. Your descriptions please me.Quote:
Seven of the mightiest mages from the forest joined their magic and collectively purged the land of this subtle blight. Within seconds it was back, dripping from every creature and plant like morning dew disturbed from its place upon a leaf.
:smalleek: Well, that escalated quickly.Quote:
her answers were always vague and cheering, but her tone spoke of a horror none would survive.
This juxtaposition is pretty alarming. Did you intend it? The sentence itself is a bit garden-pathy, as well.Quote:
As the sun set and Barnabas came home to ask another round of questions about the ‘Why’ and the ‘How’ of life, his mother drew her sword
How was he sleeping like this? Or rather, how did he manage to sleep in a sand river without drowning?Quote:
waking Barnabas at her feet which had not once moved even though the sand now flowed like water over her boots.
There should be a hyphen after "once" to signify that it's part of the upcoming compound word-phrase, and "forests" should be "forest's".Quote:
once or twice-walked paths in the forests depths.
*begun, I believe.Quote:
afraid for the first time since their lives had ended and began anew.
*her, *theirQuote:
of a warrior isolated from their comrades by the ennobled deaths upon the battlefield.
*criesQuote:
as her cried finally fell silent
*illuminated?Quote:
a path of barely illuminating fallen foes
lolQuote:
employing complex tactics that afforded them true death by her hand half a second after their peers.
This is a little awkward, mainly the bolded part. It took me a couple of tries to figure out what you were saying here.Quote:
Even spells washed over her, painting the landscape but unable to slow her beyond the minor effort of shifting to weather magic meant for her son.
As we don't have an actual speaker yet, "a man's voice"? Also, I'd probably make that period a comma.Quote:
“Impressive.” A man chimed in
Hyphenate "life-eating".Quote:
life eating monstrosities
hahahaha. I like this guy.Quote:
two gentlemen and a gentle-gator
:smalleek:Quote:
releasing an overly long tongue tipped with sharp talons.
Ew.Quote:
Zombies released slow pulses of air that might have been giggles if produced by any other being.
I need more! This was a great snippet all the way through. Lots of history; lots of vivid descriptions. I hope you're planning to come back with more some day.Quote:
...
@Lord_Gareth
SpoilerHeh. I'm not sure I understand the implication at the end here, though. "We" prefer to work for people who do a good job? Who are thorough? What's the motivation? This could be saying a number of different things, but it's not at all clear which may not may not be intended.Quote:
she has a reputation for Standards - something that turns off most mercenary groups, but a sure sign to us that she was worth working for.
That's a great phrase.Quote:
His build was lean, not mighty
Uh. :smalleek: Incidentally, we've now moved to three days since the day the speaker met Sir Varren, but it's not clear why the speaker should already know "that Sir Varren was an unhappy person". It seems like they've barely interacted!Quote:
He seemed shy, not solemn, and avoided contact with us for as long as he could.
Three days out, we started finding the bodies.
Well written.Quote:
"Well..." I hesitated, then took in a deep breath. "I kinda wanted to ask why you're always apart. You're welcome around the fire any time, y'know?"
Pretty significant that they've been traveling "together" for at least three days, and he hasn't even actually met them yet.Quote:
"Miss...?" he inquired.
Jesus.Quote:
His own shadow huddled at his feet, cowering in terror, trying to avoid the crushing hooves and sweeping claws of the fiendish shadows around him.
Rhere's a lot of really intense possibility in this snippet. I really hope you continue this story; I'd love to hear more. Incidentally, I put this under Vivienne Kestrel in the archive since that's the perspective we have, but would it be more appropriate to label it with Sir Varren's name, or something else altogether? Anyway, this story feels like it has a lot of potential; I hope there's more to come. As ever, your pacing and tone are spot-on.Quote:
Sir Varren lit his cigar and took a deep drag, his eyes wet with shameful tears that refused to fall.
"No reason, Miss Kestrel," he muttered, his voice tight. He snuffed the tindertwig with his fingers. "No reason at all."
@PaperMustache
SpoilerCommas after "oh" and "one".Quote:
Oh I could think of a few things. For one she would never leave that library.
Heh. Good characterization of both of them, here.Quote:
Like she thought she was going to die not knowing everything there was to know about everything.
I believe "daydreaming" is one word.Quote:
I was day dreaming again
Haha. "You're totally not scared! Trust me!"Quote:
"Mya? You're sort of scaring me." I ventured.
"What?! No I'm not!" She said way too defensively.
Or rather, they didn't know her father like [I feel like they should for vague yet menacing reasons].Quote:
Her aunts and uncle would always say she was a miniature copy of her father. They didn't know her like I did.
hahaha.Quote:
"...so apparently my family is cursed and everybody here is crazy so I just need to leave town, okay? Because I'm the only sane one!" I had been daydreaming again. I had missed what she was so upset about!
"Uh...you sound real sane." I ventured.
This moment is very effective. However, the word you're looking for is "tenets".Quote:
"Good!" She said quickly. "Now pop quiz, what tenants do you vow to uphold as an agent of the Brotherhood?"
*neverending is one word as well, I think. Also, "tenets" again.Quote:
The entire walk back to her house was a never ending quiz on brotherhood tenants.
Either no commas, or put one after "quoted".Quote:
She barked, and quoted and recited the entire way home
Totally unrelated facts, here :smalltongue: I like Sam's characterization so far. The perspective shift is working fine.Quote:
It seemed Mya always knew where her father was, and it seemed like they were both always in the library.
That doesn't sound particularly modest.Quote:
It was a modest room with a massive bookshelf that took up the back wall.
haha.Quote:
"Sam, is this really what you want?"
"Um, yes sir!" I blurted out uncertainly.
This is another really good moment. I like Sam's totally carefree attitude towards ruining all Mya's pretensions.Quote:
I gave her a little squeeze from the side that I could tell completely ruined her attempt at looking confident and independent. She huffed, but her father smiled.
:smalleek: :smallfrown: This whole scene is very strange and very powerful. You were going for "ambiguously motivated?" Mission accomplished!Quote:
Gods, in this business, that statement could easily be a death threat!
I am reminded of this:Quote:
Their faces were obscured, but they wore the sigil of the Brotherhood, an eye open before a crescent moon, in silver around their necks.
*Capital OQuote:
in service to the world. ours is not to rule
*gaveQuote:
and the hooded figures muttered it with him, which have me a start.
This is a really good meaningless parting phrase, haha.Quote:
"May your eyes be open in the darkness."
Ah, youth!Quote:
My stomach turned at the thought of blood. "Ugh, I'm glad! I would have run screaming and your mom woulda had to kill me!"
Anyway, I think I can reiterate "mission accomplished". Sam isn't as developed as Mya is yet, but it seems like you have a good grasp on her personality and we should get to see more with time. Also, that is a hell of a prequel teaser, so I have to vote for it. Plus I like Dad anyway.