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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Heliomance
I was raised well and lovingly, in a supportive and safe household. I enjoyed make believe, reading, and (when I got older and they started being a thing) computer games and the Internet. I'm really not seeing how any of that can possibly say anything about my gender.
Keeping in mind we see the world in two very different ways, I can understand why you don't perceive my explanations.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Heliomance
I've already worked out that I'm genderfluid. I don't like this fact. I would be completely fine with any gender identity, if it would only stay still. What it's just done is dive fairly deep into female, and then just as I was starting to get comfortable with a female identity, changing my chosen name, wearing skirts and breast forms etc, it's taken a sudden swing back towards male, and the accompanying thoughts of "stop being stupid, this is who you are, you can't change it."
Look at how far you've gone though! What I think this is is that last barrier, and just before you go through with it, your mind is telling you "think about this for a while!" If you back out now, you may never know what would've happened if you stuck with it.
Are you really confused, or are you quitting? You'll have to work for everything, ever your own identity.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Heliomance
I had a really annoying feeling today when I didn't know what name to use for myself. I didn't know whether to use the new name that I'd chosen, which I had chosen to be gender neutral, or to stick with my old name because that's who I "really" am, and I'm stupid to be trying to change that.
That's because it's your name. Did you think it was easy for your parents to pick your name? Hell no, that's why it carries so much meaning! My parents thought about my name nearly a half-year in advance. Do you think that you'll just come up with a good name in a month? A day? That's not going to happen, you need time. Give it time, and the name will come to you.
Who you really are is what you've made yourself to be. In my eyes, you're a woman, and it's hard to change that view. I'm sure everyone else here views you as that. Not a woman born a man, but a woman who is a woman, and wants to be that woman.
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
But that's not who I am. My identity is not consistently female, and never has been. For years, my satisfaction or dissatisfaction with my own body has come and gone in cycles. I'm not confused about my identity, I understand that it keeps changing. That sometimes I feel mostly male, sometimes I feel mostly female, and most of the time I'm somewhere in between. So no, this isn't a final hurdle of uncertainty rearing its head before I take the irreversible plunge into femininity. This is the cycle of my genderfluidity continuing as it ever has done. But just because I understand now that that's what's happening doesn't mean that I have to like it. Every time I come to terms with who I am, who I am changes. And that is maddening beyond all belief.
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
Poor Heliomance. That's pretty much how I feel about my sexual orientation, so I can sympathize with the hair ripping frustration such things can induce. All I can suggest is seize moments of non-identity-crisis when and where you get the chance, and weather the other moments as best you are able.
Which I acknowledge as being completely non-helpful.
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Heliomance
Hmm. I suspect my identity may be reversing again, heading back malewards. This inconsistency is REALLY BLOODY ANNOYING.
*hugs*
Genderfluidity seems like it might even be worse than transsexuality.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Qaera
Y-yes, sir. Dinner will be finished in about 20 minutes.
~ ♅
XDDD
I enjoy some good satire of sexism. I like it even better when the other party plays along.
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
Quote:
Originally Posted by
noparlpf
*hugs*
Genderfluidity seems like it might even be worse than transsexuality.
Yep. All the downsides, none of the certainty.
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Heliomance
Yep. All the downsides, none of the certainty.
I dunno, seems like there'd be expensive surgery and hormones much less commonly.
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
Quote:
Originally Posted by
noparlpf
XDDD
I enjoy some good satire of sexism. I like it even better when the other party plays along.
That's what I said after I read A Modest Proposal, but the police disagreed. :smallfrown:
~ ♅
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Coidzor
I dunno, seems like there'd be expensive surgery and hormones much less commonly.
NHS. Also, not helping.
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Coidzor
I dunno, seems like there'd be expensive surgery and hormones much less commonly.
I think the last thing we should have is an "easier than thou" (or vice versa) contest amongst the various LGBTA groups.
Heliomance, I wish I had more to say you specifically, but I have nothing to say beyond that we're still here to support you. I can try to ask some genderfluid folk in my LGBTA social circles if they have any advice for you, if you wish
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Heliomance
NHS. Also, not helping.
Complaining that you have it worse than other people isn't either. What with the dwelling on it if nothing else. :smalltongue:
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Coidzor
Complaining that you have it worse than other people isn't either. What with the dwelling on it if nothing else. :smalltongue:
Heliomance, you shouldn't dwell on it, because if that's all you focus on, then it'll eat at you. I don't know what it's like for you, but I know it's incredibly hard.
I'll put this into one of the harshest analogies I've ever made. If you don't think that you can deal with it, don't open it:
Spoiler
Show
The people of Belize live in the middle of a hurricane zone. They get hit by hurricanes literally every year of their lives. They lose their homes, members of their family, all of their possessions, and get to watch as the more fortunate people, with their fancy resorts and establishments make cheap repairs. They build shacks out of scraps of homes lost the previous year, and look at what everyone else has made. More shacks. Desperate people. Pain and loss, and they're forced to ignore it, because they have businesses to run, workplaces to go to, and other jobs to fulfill. It doesn't matter if they just lost a child, they have to go back to work like any other person. But they don't complain. Why they don't do that, I don't know. But I saw it with my own eyes, and it made me realize that my world is so insignificant to theirs, that I can't compare. I lost my iPod one Summer. I met a girl who lost her dog. A puppy that her family gave to her. Stolen away by the waters of the ocean she lived on.
My point is, you're dwelling on the negatives, and refusing our help. You're refusing your therapist's help, you're refusing what you made your post here for: Help. If you ignore it, and choose to say "I have problems, but you're not helping", then we can't help you. It's frustrating to see, and text can't convey it.
I'm really, truly sorry, but I had to put it into perspective. If you keep lamenting, then I don't think that you'll get what you want.
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Coidzor
I dunno, seems like there'd be expensive surgery and hormones much less commonly.
Or much more commonly. Out of curiosity, Helio, if you could biologically transition to some sort of halfway point (not sure what that would be in your eyes, but a couple possibilities present) would that be acceptable for you? I.E. do you think it would it make the dysphoria go away, lessen, stay the same, or get worse?
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Heliomance
Yep. All the downsides, none of the certainty.
Yea….I know that….my version of genderfluidity is weird- its going back and forth between not being gendered at all, and being girl-gendered.
for me, its a question if I want to care about this at all. you at least are certain that you want to be a gender.
which sums me up a lot actually. while everyone else is questioning which choice to pick, I'm questioning why should I care about any of the choices at all…..strange. Why doesn't everyone else question the why to?
Don't mind me. I just see the entire world as a way of comparing and reflecting upon myself through observation, and are mostly just saying this out loud to anyone willing to listen.
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Triscuitable
My point is, you're dwelling on the negatives, and refusing our help. You're refusing your therapist's help, you're refusing what you made your post here for: Help. If you ignore it, and choose to say "I have problems, but you're not helping", then we can't help you. It's frustrating to see, and text can't convey it.
I'm really, truly sorry, but I had to put it into perspective. If you keep lamenting, then I don't think that you'll get what you want.
:smallconfused:
I'm not refusing my therapist's help, I don't have a therapist, because to get a therapist I'd have to be registered with a GP here instead of 50 miles away. And I'm registered with a GP 50 miles away because I'm on some unusual medication that the doctors here wouldn't guarantee they'd keep prescribing for me, and the last time I tried to stop taking it I failed a year of uni.
Nor am I refusing your (plural) help. I told Coidzor he was being unhelpful because a contest of "worse off than thou" helps no-one, as Rappy pointed out.
You say I'm dwelling on the negatives. I don't know if you've ever been hit by a wave of dysphoria, but it's not rational. It's a visceral feeling that everything is Wrong, and rational thought can't get you past it.
I didn't make my post here for help. A bunch of strangers on the Internet, no matter how well-meaning, are almost certainly not going to be able to help me get my head straight. I made it because I needed someplace to vent. If one of you does manage to say something that makes everything better, that'd be great, but I'm not holding my breath. What I'm looking for is sympathy, understanding, and confirmation that I'm not an utter freak.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
golentan
Or much more commonly. Out of curiosity, Helio, if you could biologically transition to some sort of halfway point (not sure what that would be in your eyes, but a couple possibilities present) would that be acceptable for you? I.E. do you think it would it make the dysphoria go away, lessen, stay the same, or get worse?
Yes. In a heartbeat. I don't think it would eliminate the dysphoria, but it would almost certainly lessen it.
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
Quote:
Originally Posted by
pffh
Well I guess you can have some too. It's rare enough these days that I meet someone that can appreciate a good whiskey and not this horrible whiskey and soda or the even worse whiskey in an energy drink.
Ugh, I know, right? I just don't understand it. The only thing I would put in whiskey is a drop of hot water if I'm sick. Otherwise, neat all the way.
Helio is much more patient than I am. If someone tried saying that I should try to have perspective because at least I'm not losing family members to flooding, I would be angry. Since we're not telepathic, for all we know, Helio's gender dysphoria is worse than losing a dog.
I still recommend some kind of meditation. Some way of acknowledging the thoughts and then letting them go away. I really think that you'll find the right balance over a couple of cycles, as you become more familiar with your "end points". It hasn't been very long, so you can definitely sort out the name situation. I'd say keep a list of nice, gender neutral names; ones that you think could work for you when you're more masculine as well as more feminine. Since you seem to oscillate quite quickly, you should be able to think about the name as feminine-Helio, midpoint-Helio and masculine-Helio to try it out.
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
Helio seems a pretty gender neutral name to me, and an awesome one. But that might just be by associated with you :P
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
Quote:
Originally Posted by
KenderWizard
Ugh, I know, right? I just don't understand it. The only thing I would put in whiskey is a drop of hot water if I'm sick. Otherwise, neat all the way.
Helio is much more patient than I am. If someone tried saying that I should try to have perspective because at least I'm not losing family members to flooding, I would be angry. Since we're not telepathic, for all we know, Helio's gender dysphoria is worse than losing a dog.
I still recommend some kind of meditation. Some way of acknowledging the thoughts and then letting them go away. I really think that you'll find the right balance over a couple of cycles, as you become more familiar with your "end points". It hasn't been very long, so you can definitely sort out the name situation. I'd say keep a list of nice, gender neutral names; ones that you think could work for you when you're more masculine as well as more feminine. Since you seem to oscillate quite quickly, you should be able to think about the name as feminine-Helio, midpoint-Helio and masculine-Helio to try it out.
This. Losing a dog would be sad and all, but it probably wouldn't be "arg my head why does nothing feel right" in the same way. And mourning is finite in duration. Sooner or later, you get over it. There is every possibility that I'm going to be dealing with this my entire life.
Kender, I know nothing about meditation. How would I go about learning that?
As for my speed of oscillation, it's usually over a cycle of months. I have noticed before though that having a girlfriend tends to stabilise me on male, and yesterday I realised that a rather attractive (though sadly unavailable) girl was interested in me, activating the same parts of my brain and kicking me unceremoniously back towards male. See the RWA thread for more details.
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Astrella
Edit: Remember
that story about that 11 year old trans girl? Her mother apparently
lost the case. :smallfrown: :smallmad:
oh god :smalleek: You think she'll have more power to get out once she turns 18 or something?
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Heliomance
This. Losing a dog would be sad and all, but it probably wouldn't be "arg my head why does nothing feel right" in the same way. And mourning is finite in duration. Sooner or later, you get over it. There is every possibility that I'm going to be dealing with this my entire life.
Is it that feeling of "something is wrong and I don't know what it is and I have to find out and no one can help me and something is wrong and I don't know what it is and I have to find out and..."?
Because I have that as part of my depression. Only I tend to fix on a single solution to all my problems. And of course I will probably have to deal with depression the rest of my life.
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
No, not quite. I know exactly what's wrong: I don't fit in my body. But every time I try and do something so that I do fit into it, I change, so I'm not fitting in a different way.
I don't know who I am, because who I am keeps changing. Self discovery is much harder when the goalposts keep moving.
EDIT: Okay, it might not be as bad as I thought at first. I don't think I've done a complete 180, I seem to have stabilised (for now, anyway) back in androgyny. Where I go from here is anyone's guess.
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Heliomance
Kender, I know nothing about meditation. How would I go about learning that?
Well, there are a few ways. There are loads of different techniques and methods for meditating, so there are lots of options.
The most professional way to go about it would be to make an appointment with someone who is trained to lead someone in meditation or relaxation techniques. This could be someone like a counsellor or psychologist, or someone who uses meditative techniques and might be able to guide you, like a yoga instructor, or a pastor. Or a friend.
There are CDs or DVDs or MP3s or books you could get, that would lay out a particular technique. They often come with music or soothing noises, plus some steps you follow, to learn to relax your mind. That might be very helpful if you want to learn by yourself but want to make sure you have a "script" to follow until you're confident to take your own steps.
Or you could just do it yourself. The best way to do this seems to be to find a time to set aside every day. Some people like to do it right after getting up or right before going to bed, or you could do it when you come in after work/school/whatever, or at noon, or whenever works. You make a ritual that prepares your mind, so you know you do the same thing every time and it gets you ready to relax. This could be as elaborate as going to your special corner, rolling out your special mat, lighting 5 candles and an incense stick and playing The Flight of the Bumblebee*, or it could be as simple as lying on your bed and closing your eyes. Then you lie or sit in a comfortable position. Concentrate on your breathing. It might be helpful to imagine or visualise your breath, imagine your slow inhalation to be filling you with light and your slow exhalation to be allow your body to drift as the stress seeps away. When thoughts rise to the surface, don't fight them, acknowledge them, and let them drift away with an exhalation when they're ready. Keep breathing steadily and deeply, and let your mind and body completely relax. When you are ready, you rise back to the world, open your eyes, and sit or lie until you want to get up. Do your reverse ritual of coming back to normal life, putting away your candles and such. Then you're finished! You can do this as long or as often as you want. I've heard ten minutes a day works well for a lot of people, but you might want twenty minutes, or even an hour, or just on weekdays, or anything at all. It's whatever works for you, that allows your mind and body to relax and allows you to become mindful about your own self.
*I don't actually recommend this particular piece of music, but hey, whatever works!
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
I hear that a couple fingers of whiskey can also get you to an altered mind state... :smallsmile:
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
Quote:
Originally Posted by
KenderWizard
Ugh, I know, right? I just don't understand it. The only thing I would put in whiskey is a drop of hot water if I'm sick. Otherwise, neat all the way.
Helio is much more patient than I am. If someone tried saying that I should try to have perspective because at least I'm not losing family members to flooding, I would be angry. Since we're not telepathic, for all we know, Helio's gender dysphoria is worse than losing a dog.
I still recommend some kind of meditation. Some way of acknowledging the thoughts and then letting them go away. I really think that you'll find the right balance over a couple of cycles, as you become more familiar with your "end points". It hasn't been very long, so you can definitely sort out the name situation. I'd say keep a list of nice, gender neutral names; ones that you think could work for you when you're more masculine as well as more feminine. Since you seem to oscillate quite quickly, you should be able to think about the name as feminine-Helio, midpoint-Helio and masculine-Helio to try it out.
Yeah one of my pet peeves is when people say you can't complain because some people have it worse off then you. Of course it's silly to complain about really small things, but gender dysphoria isn't a small thing. I mean if every time I complained, I had to check to make sure someone out there had it worse than me and I wouldn't be able to complain at all. And honestly, I really like complaining. It lets off steam.
So I have no idea if that made sense or not, but what I'm basically saying s people should be able to complain about whatever they want.
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Heliomance
This. Losing a dog would be sad and all, but it probably wouldn't be "arg my head why does nothing feel right" in the same way. And mourning is finite in duration. Sooner or later, you get over it. There is every possibility that I'm going to be dealing with this my entire life.
Kender, I know nothing about meditation. How would I go about learning that?
As for my speed of oscillation, it's usually over a cycle of months. I have noticed before though that having a girlfriend tends to stabilise me on male, and yesterday I realised that a rather attractive (though sadly unavailable) girl was interested in me, activating the same parts of my brain and kicking me unceremoniously back towards male. See the RWA thread for more details.
I agree. I've lost dogs, and I've had some bad depressive episodes, and the latter were worse for me.
My version of meditation isn't the "empty your mind" version. I just focus on my breathing and a single thought to force whatever is bothering me out of my head.
But that doesn't work when I'm in the middle of a really bad depressive episode, so I don't know how much help that is.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Asta Kask
Is it that feeling of "something is wrong and I don't know what it is and I have to find out and no one can help me and something is wrong and I don't know what it is and I have to find out and..."?
Because I have that as part of my depression. Only I tend to fix on a single solution to all my problems. And of course I will probably have to deal with depression the rest of my life.
I have two different kinds of episodes. Which seems odd to me, but neither is manic, so I don't have bipolar. One sort, I just feel empty and sad and like I should just curl up somewhere and die because I can't care about anything and maybe then the sadness will go away. The other sort, I feel like what you just described. And that's actually when I'm more likely to hurt myself, because usually my body will feel like it doesn't quite fit and I can't even get physically comfortable while my brain is screwing with me.
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
The dog had been starving. It was a puppy. The girl was 4. A hurricane swept her home and her dog away.
It's not your home country, it's Belize. It may look pretty, but it can be very sad too.
And Heliomance, I admire your tolerance, and it should be unclear that through my stupid, misguided attempts to help a person who din't require help that you aren't a freak. You're just going through something I have no name for. Does that make you a freak? Of course not! I didn't have a name for what I went through, so why do you?
Whatever you're going through, buddy, we're friends. See us as strangers, but we are anything but.
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
"We must, indeed, all be freaks together, or most assuredly we shall all be freaks separately."
That was funny in my head.
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Heliomance
I told Coidzor he was being unhelpful because a contest of "worse off than thou" helps no-one, as Rappy pointed out.
I just brought up a point to illustrate the futility of that argument, what with you having already started doing it.
I suppose I could've just told you to knock it off for doing it directly like you did to me, but I imagined that would've just made you angry and focus on that instead of realizing what you guys had been doing.
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
I think the official name is Oppression Olympics.
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Asta Kask
That's a thing? That's honestly really screwed up.
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Re: LGBTAitP - Part 22: The Best There Is
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Musashi
Most of my pastimes are absolutely not stereotypically girly in nature (they include action video games!).
And I'm a ciswoman.
And not lesbian, for those who think ciswoman are only allowed to have masculine hobbies if they're lesbian.
Well, lesbians are practically dudes anyway. SARCASM
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Heliomance
*snip*
Have you thought about transitioning? (Transitioning doesn't have to be MtF or FtM after all.) I would imagine things like lasering would help reduce the dysphoria a bit?
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Heliomance
NHS. Also, not helping.
Well, I wouldn't call NHS a hugely good thing. >.> (Their treating of trans* people isn't that great; and they are pretty out of touch with the trans community.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Asta Kask
"We must, indeed, all be freaks together, or most assuredly we shall all be freaks separately."
That was funny in my head.
I giggled.
Quote:
Originally Posted by
Triscuitable
That's a thing? That's honestly really screwed up.
You've never been in a LGBT+ related discussion on Reddit before have you? :smalltongue: