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I've just had a scream at my dad, for the first time in years. I feel @$£!ing awful, because he was only trying to help, but I was pissed off already, and me being obstreperous escalated his worrying which meant we both raised voices at each other. In a way, me having to storm off in tears has helped me realise that I need to get my thoughts in order. I'm a bastard to be around at the moment, and I need to change that. To do that, I need to get to the source of the problems. So this will be working out what my issues are, and how best to solve some of them (I won't be able to solve all of them).
Before I came home, I was a very happy person. The last year has been the best in my life so far. I met new people, found I actually had a social life, and had the time to go forth and do the things I enjoy. The work was tough, and at times that got me down, but it didn't take much for me to be happy again. I had my friends, had things going on, and was very happy, compared to the content I was before university.
I've been back home... 21 days. while it's been 25 days since I returned from uni, 4 of those were spent at the uk meetup, which helped me retain my sanity for a bit. Wonderful people to talk with, and being able to live my own life. Set me back a lot on my finances, however.
Cue now. I have a camping trip set up with some university friends for early August - going to see the meteor showers and mess around and have a generally good time. Should be good. Again, very worried about the finances of it - I think I've got enough, but I am not doing well for money at the moment.
Now we have the first main worry - I was awful with money at uni for my first year. I spent and had fun and did crazy things - mid way through semester one, I ended up pretty much acting like I was self-catered, despite having catered accommodation - this didn't help, and I'm hoping next year now I have my own house that I'm sharing I'll be better off in that respect. At the end of the year, I had about 200 pounds. 100 of which went on the UK meetup, due to transport and food costs. So I have 100 pounds left for the camping, and then I'll have only my savings left, which I already had to dip into for the beginning rent for my house. Which is an awful feeling to have, because it means I'm going to be living on savings when I go back in September, at least until the student loan comes through. I have vague ideas for how I'm going to make sure I spend less when I go back to uni, and will put more detailed plans in place closer to the time. Or I might do it now, actually. Mum has been very worried about money - she worries about money in general. If I have my plan written out and my finances planned then it might put her mind at rest in that regard.
Because that's the second problem I have at the moment. My parents are both worried sick about me. I recently had flu, on top of hayfever, and I'm still recovering - I'm pretty much fine, but when I get upset my hayfever flares up, I find it difficult to breathe, and I can't stop coughing - which then gets worse because coughing irritates my throat so I cough more and ughh. Then I get my period problems - went to the doctor wednesday, will be calling in friday to see if they have test results back. That's worrying me, because I'm sexually active, and my partner is bisexual, and has had (and has) same sex partners before - so there is a chance that I have something. Which terrifies me. I can't deal with sickness well - I don't have an amazing constitution score, and I also have with more serious illnesses a psychological block (is that the right word?) which causes panic attacks, fainting, and thanks to my vivid imagination a wonderful set of stories that can come up in my head of worse case scenarios that make everything worse. It doesn't help that I don't understand a lot of the sicknesses and such. Due to my phobias I've not paid much attention when people have been explaining medical details, due to my fear of fainting and panic attacks - my self-esteem isn't the greatest, and I also get terrified of being seen as attention-seeking or needy. I like being independent, so use other coping techniques so that I don't end up collapsing on someone's floor.
Which brings me to the third problem. I've had a year where I've had my independence, lived on my own / with my friend with benefits. I'm having difficulties being back in a family household. It isn't anything that I can put my finger on, just... small things. They sound stupid, but things like being in a room next to my parents, and the bathroom next to my little brother, meaning I can't stay up as late as I did back at home.
And the fourth problem. I can't sleep at the moment. As soon as I get into bed, the coughing starts. Probably the state of my room, haven't really unpacked quite honestly, so haven't been able to tidy it much. But it takes me a couple of hours to be able to sleep, despite my regular bedtime being 11pm. But then falling asleep at 1 or 2 in the morning doesn't help my temper or my health when I have to get up early. If I can work out a way to sleep better, then that'll help that. I've tried reading before sleeping - last night ended up going to bed about midnight (later than before, was rather pissed off). Spent about half an hour reading through my maths textbooks - useful stuff, went over a chapter that I'd just finished reading, and hopefully consolidated what I had read before - which means that today I can get on with the questions for that chapter. I'm taking it slow with the work - I have until 1st September, pretty much, to get this work sorted.
Which is the fifth problem, and in all honesty the one that's causing me the most problems. I have this resit in September which if I fail to get 40%, I fail the year. Which in all honesty, probably would mean I beg them to transfer me to another course, and I'd be a first year again. Intellectually speaking. My thoughts just turn to failure, being unable to go back to uni, losing the life I had last year. I can tell the thoughts to bugger off, but they'll always be in the back of my mind no matter what I do. I can't seem to "enjoy" the games I play - I've been addicted to minecraft and tekkit and have been going away at those. But while they're fun, I just don't seem to be getting much pleasure out of them. I restart worlds, try doing the same things again and again. I play a little too much, while I have been working it hasn't been enough. Until this shouting match this morning, I had plans for exactly what I was going to do work-wise. I had finished reading through the chapter for the second time the night before, before I went to sleep, and I was going to play for the morning to calm myself and hopefully put myself in a bit of a better mood, and then spend the afternoon going through all the questions.
The argument I had was over work. My parents can see that I wasn't doing as much work as I could be. They didn't see that I had been doing work, and I have been trying. It's damned difficult when you have mental blocks and a constant black cloud telling you "nope, you can't do this, you're going to fail, you can't do maths, this module was the most important of last year and you failed it, you miserable little git." I do the work I can before the depression hits and I can't do more without welling up. I had hoped that last night's readthrough would give me confidence to step up and do what was needed. This argument has set me back a bit, but the plan will go ahead.
So that's five problems. Money, Illness, Independence, Sleep, Work. Whelp, that's most things in life isn't it.
Money problem, I can't make them go away instantly, but if I spend this morning setting up a plan, checking on how much things are likely to cost, then that'll put my mind at rest, and hopefully my parent's as well. Which means I should be able to enjoy the camping trip with less worries on my mind.
Illness, I just have to wait for the tests, keep taking the hayfever tablets and keep my spirits up. If I can't be happy then at least content would be good.
Independence I can't do anything about until September. Then, combined with my money, I can hopefully save enough money and talk to my landlords about staying in Leicester over the summer next year. I just have to stick it out, live by the rules of the house as best as possible and wait.
Sleep, I have no clue. I'll keep going with reading my textbook at night - if I can set it up so that I'm reading the textbook in the day and doing work, then rereading what I read at night, then that'll help both work and hopefully calm me down enough so I can sleep easier.
Work, see above. I need a strict routine which I can set up. I also need to when I've calmed down a bit and parents are back from work to go through with them what I need from them - which is basically, less talking about it. Both the nagging and the congratulations end up to me feeling very patronising and irritating and don't help, so if I can discuss with them about that. Might be easiest if I just ask them not to talk about it with me unless I bring it up. And then go to the effort of bringing up my rants about the work I've done that day.
Thanks for reading. I could use a hug, but otherwise I think I have everything under control. If you want to give advice go ahead, but I most likely will be doing what I've detailed in the last paragraph. Mum and dad both read the forums, so I'll probably point dad at this post as an explanation to my blow up at him this morning, and also a pointer as to what I'm going to do to try and help myself. It isn't much of an explanation, and not an excuse, but it might help. They worry about me, and want to help, but in all honesty, I think I'm going to do better if I work on helping myself rather than trying to rely on other people - if only because I hate having to rely on other people. Too stubborn and independent for my own good, heh.
Time to get to work.