Summer- 18 - XXX1
This morning, I'm trying to shake off yesterday. I don't want to live always worrying about stuff, after all.
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Especially not when I have corn!
As I'm in the mountains, I hear a voice...
"Up here, Fox!"
Popuri's voice descends as if from heaven above. It's an odd moment. I mean, there's a tree above me and....
A cliff.
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I look up. Popuri's up on top of the cliff, waving brightly.
"Hi-ho! <3"
"...How did you get up there? There's that big gap and..."[/color]
"That big tree. It's very strong, so you can shimmy up it. Come on!"
I look at the tree. Sure, it can support Popuri... But I'm taller and I'm pretty sure I'm more muscular than her. I used to be pretty skinny...
"Don't you want to see the world from above?"
She looks down at me, her hair falling and framing her face, the bright sunlight streaming around her...
Popuri, in that light, looked a bit like an angel. Like an angel who wants to show me a world.
I have, I think, a problem.
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The problem is this: Here I am, trying to find footholds in the branches, clinging to the trunk for dear life, getting smacked in the face, and I bet I'm going to fall and break my spine and all my leg-bones and there are like 4 of them...
Because a girl -- an insightful, odd, pretty, special girl asked me to.
I am a lunatic. A lunatic who is going to suffer death by tree.
When I slide down or fall back onto a lowe branch with a thud that freaks me out, Popuri says something encouraging.
And eventually, with what I think will be a lot of bruises piling up, I manage...To get up top. I'm soaked in sweat.
"...H-how...How did you manage..."
"Well, everyone who grows up here can climb a tree better than that... I guess it was a new experience, huh?"
"I thought I was going to die."
"I wouldn't let that happen. Anyway, come look."
From here, we can see the distant layout of the town, the rooftops emerging from the sea of trees, the streets as gaps in among the world... It makes the path I run, full-tilt, every day feel...Very small. And there's still mountain to climb, too.
The air up here is cooler than below, the wind playing at our hair. It feels so much more peaceful up here than it usually does.
"I love coming up here in the summer. I can't stand the heat too much...And...I wanted you to see things up here. I wanted you to get the chance to feel climbing that tree; it's no good, just working and not experiencing. Experiencing's about play!"
"...Yeah. I think I used to feel that way."
She puts a hand by the nape of her neck, lifting the cotton-candy mass of her hair.
"Used to?"
"Yeah. I dunno...I guess I kept playing around, but I sort of...Didn't feel like I was experiencing anything. Or something. Living wasn't working, but...I guess I wasn't moving there, either.
I enjoyed it, though."
"Then I think that was good enough, at least for then. What do you think of the view? And the climb?"
"The view is great. The climb was...Well, it was certainly a thing. A painful, painful thing. How are you?"
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"Keep on keeping on, I guess. You're tougher than I thought you'd be when we first met, actually."
"Thanks! <3"
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"By the way...How do I get down?"
"Jump. <3"
...
...
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FFFFFFFFFFFFFF----
*crash*
...I...I'm OK. Maybe. Ow.
The day pretty much proceeds as normal from there...
The bakery manager, Jeff, nods when he sees me come in to talk to Elli.
"You look like you've had a rough morning."
"...So, I've learned I can climb a tree. I didn't know that."
"Sounds very rough...Well, why don't Elli and I give you something on the house?"
"I know; he can try my macaroon recipe. I've been working on it."
She rushes into the back and comes out with sticky white macaroons. I pop one in my mouth, watching her expectant face.
"How is it?"
"It's really good, duh."
"It's not a duh. Whether something is good or not depends on a lot of things like..."
"It's baked by you, so it being good is a given."[/color]
She looks surprised, but then she smiles and fiddles with her apron.
"It needs work. I'll keep working on it."
And she vanishes into the kitchen. I turn to Jeff.
"Why the freebie?"[/color]
"Well, when you're tired like that..."
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"I see...Thank you."
"Hey, Maria."
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"...Something wrong? You're not...Upset with me about earlier?"
I don't know why she was crying the other day...But she did, and that's sort of my fault.
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...I have a second problem.
Fact of the matter is...I like where I am.
I like hanging out with Maria and Karen and Popuri and everyone. I don't want...To make everything complicated, and full of feelings and junk.
Just keep it simple for now. I know myself pretty well: that guy who never has a girlfriend because he's after a different girl every week...Just casual, just fun. Always. That's all I can be...
And I know enough to know no one here wants that.
So I'm not doing anything.
Don't make any sudden moves, and maybe life can go on like normal.
I end up feeling a bit guilty about my choice, so I go see Ann. A bastian of cheerful stability. Of course, I run into Gray first, though.
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"...I just came to talk to Ann, OK?"
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"Listen, I've had a rough day, and am not in the mood for the over-protective country-mouse brother shtick, OK, Mr. Grim? I jumped off a cliff today. What are you doing?"[/color]
He looks taken aback.
"...Dying wool....Go 'n have your talk; I got real work to do."
I edge past.
"So, dying wool, huh? How's that going?"
"Oh, Hi, Fox! It's going well. We've actually got everything we need for the dyes for a change...We do it all-natural, so sometimes it's tight."
"All-natural?"
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"Oh, I see..."
"Why the long face, Fox?"
"Do you think it's better to not do something when you think doing it will ruin everything?"
"It's not better, but...Don't stress out about it! If something needs to happen, it'll be clear, right? Just keep going and..."
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...
...
"Thanks, Ann."
Anyway, I head to the bar, then log a bit, then head ho...
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And Maria's there, standing in the moonlight, her dark hair vanishing into the night, her pale dress fading into moonlit brightness and twilight shadow. Maria's always a pretty small girl, but in the darkness, she's even smaller.
"Maria? What are you doing here? And in the middle of the night?"
"W-well...I-I thought...Maybe...That is..."
She flutters like a moth. I wait.
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She comes up to what she wants to say in a rush.
"The mountain? Why?"
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"A-And...W-well, you're not still working this late, are you?"
"...No, I'm not. I'm curious."
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She leads me into the mountain. We don't stop near the fisherman's tent; we cross the bridge. At first, I think maybe everyone's out to torture me, and she wants me to climb that tree again.
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But we go past it, towards the clearing of the goddess. She takes soft little steps. My boot-steps sound clumsy behind them.
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"We're getting very close..."
You're telling me.
We walk between the trees, and for a moment, I feel like I lose her in the darkness. All I see is the shadows of trees. I stumble forward, trying -- like Orpheus -- to attach a figure to those tiny shadows of footsteps.
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And then there's light.
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They bob up and down, filling the darkness up with flickering. I feel like I'm in a starscape, like the world's been replaced with these little stars in the darkness. My breath is gone out from under me.
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Eventually, my vision focuses. We're in the goddess's grove, with fireflies flickering around us. Maria stares out at them, not meeting my gaze. She's looking at the flashing insects with a breathless tenderness, her body relaxed and at once on the verge of an action -- to reach out, or to flee. Eventually, she speaks to me.
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"really clean water... They can't live in dirty places...So I thought...You wouldn't have seen as many fireflies as we get out here this time of year."
I shake my head and close my eyes for a moment. I want to engrave this moment in my mind. Eventually, I say...
"You're right. I never had...In this city, you don't see fireflies at all."
"I know...I..."
She almost turns to me, but she trembles a little, the light glinting off her glasses, and she doesn't just yet.
Whatever she was going to say becomes lost in the darkness, and she looks up into the light.
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"I wanted you to see them, because...I wanted you to see this, while you lived here. I wanted to see you and these fireflies..."
She trails off, her voice wavering slightly.
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"W-we sometimes find circumstances too much...Or get afraid...Or the little, fragile world that lets things like this exist breaks..."
Maria looks lost in her thoughts tonight. I can't describe it. She's seemed so sad and scared lately. Maybe my being around her has just made her feel worse, because that fragile world of hers got intruded on...By some clumsy city oaf.
"But I want to keep the world where I could see you again, again and again, in these woods...I want to keep that. I don't want it to close off and die." She says it with a sudden strength that I saw when she was speaking to the salesman -- the way the delicate ceramic of her heart is fireproof, and stronger than glass.
"Because when I saw you in these lights...It all just felt so beautiful. Like all the troubles melted away...And the world was bright and innocent again."
I felt the same way. Not because of the fireflies, but because of her...But Maria probably means it like, well, like she means it.
R-right?
"Yeah."
She flushes and fidgets her hand, her fingers seeming like fluttering leaves.
"I-I-I m-m-m-mean...Fireflies are so nice. L-like stars."
"We need to try and keep this world a place for them, don't you think? A place where the water is clean and the woods are deep."
She at last looks at me and offers a thin smile. I find myself smiling back, even though I had been trying to keep my face neutral as I listened.
"Absolutely." I crouch down on the cool, dew-soaked grass, leaning back to watch her and the fireflies. "Come on. Sit with me. I'm used to staying up late...And never for anything quite so pretty."[/color]
She smiles more sincerely and settles down next to me. We watch happily for a while.
"Maria. I'm sorry I've upset you recently."
She shakes her head vehemently, her braid sliding off her shoulder. And she begins to laugh.
"No, no!...I...I was crying because...I was so happy."
"...What?"
"I was so happy, to hear you say you believed in me. I-I tried going to a college in the city, for a while...It didn't work. There was so much noise...So many people...The world was so big, and I was so small...I couldn't..."
Her smile becomes a little bitter, her eyes narrow and the light reflecting off her glasses. Underneath that light, she could be hiding anything.
"No matter how good at my schoolwork I was, I couldn't accomplish anything... I finished what I could back here...But I couldn't believe in myself. I had dissapointed everyone. 'Maria's the smart one.' 'Oh, Maria may be shy, but she's so clever'...It all turned out to be a lie."
"That's not true. How you do at some dumb school doesn't decide who you are."
She smiles again.
"You believe that. So I was happy...I know it's silly, to be so happy you could cry...Just from one person saying something like that."
...I remember my grandfather, saying that he wanted me to have a wonderful life. That he thought I could...Felt implicit in that. It was the first time in a long time someone said anything like that... So I think I understand.
I changed my whole life, chasing this.
Just one person, huh?
"Look at the fireflies," I say, trying to capture something that seems far away. "Each of them is flashing, trying to look for someone to see it and be impressed. They don't think it's dumb, to spend their whole lives looking for someone who believes in their light. Maybe your book should be about a firefly."
She laughs into her hand, her mood buoyed up.
"Maybe so...The fireflies are so amazing." She seems much lighter when she says that, like the weight on her's lifted.
I nod, and we watch them dipping and spiraling in the darkness.
We stay like that, pointing out favorites or semi-constellations in the bobbing spiral of stars, for a long time.
...You know, today's been pretty good.
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Even if it is a little short.
Summer - 19 - XXX1
I check my mail first thing this morning.
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I call it "Lovers of the Firefly Night." I was simply stuck by the beauty, and had to take a shot. Here's a...
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What. the. Heck?????
Some...Someone was spying on me...
As I made a total fool of myself!!!!
You jerk!
She looks...So beautiful in this picture, though. Even if we're always just friends, for both our sakes...
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I guess I'll always have a memento.
And maybe a cameraman to kill.
Nothing really happens of note until I see Maria at the library.
"Hey...About last night...I had a really nice time."
Except for all the bits that were full of feeling.
"Ohh...Y-yes...I admit, telling you all that was so emberassing. I...I...Uhh...Um..."
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Things here have gotten a little uneasy, haven't they? This is why I didn't want to like anyone like this. Ever.
...Much less...Karen says she likes me. Maria hasn't said it, but...I think she means it. Or maybe she's just shy because she's picking up on me.
I don't want to hurt anyone. This is why I just stick to sex.
I spot an old lady from the funeral as I walk by, and wave at her.
"Wait now...Who are you, huh, boy?"
As I walk over, she grins.
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"I didn't even recognize you! Well, you keep healthy, boy."
So there are still people I haven't met yet, huh?
I come down to the beach to see Karen looking out at the ocean with a thoughtful smile.
"Oh, hey...I was just thinking about stuff."
"Stuff?"
"...Well....Wine."
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"Everybody becomes sunny and happy when they drink it."
"Not everybody." I've seen some rough drunks. And I'm more of a cheerful pontificator -- the line between my quiet-ish external self and my really wordy internal self breaks down. I guess that's sunniness.
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"I know things change...But there's a sort of freedom in it. I've been thinking about that."
Seeing her talk about wine...She really does seem brighter somehow. I don't know if she realizes it...But it's something she loves.
"I think that freedom sounds nice, when you word it like that."
She laughs, the noise making its way up my spine like a line of feathers.
"Yeah, so do I. It's...I feel like my path splits up ahead. And I don't know...How to live without regret just yet."
"Is it necessary? I think everyone has some regrets."
"...Maybe so. But...I don't want so many I can't move anymore. And...I don't want to miss out on hapiness."
Karen says. She gestures out at the world.
"I finally get why you're here. To live without regret. That's magical, too."
She smiles warmly at the water, not looking at me exactly. It feels like a weight's lightened, when I'm understood that way. I'm not sure I can describe it exactly.
...But for all the confusion it causes, I carry that warmth and thoughtfulness with me for a while...
A man stops me on my way up, though.
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"Oh, yeah...I'm just a skinny guy by nature."
[darkslategrey]"Yeah, but all the same...Be careful, man. Don't stress yourself out."[/color]
"...Yeah."
It's just complicated. I can't help but re-stress, and keep trying to tell myself I'm making the right call.
Maria and Karen...They make me feel good in different ways. I like them in different ways.
And then there's Popuri, too...I'm not sure I'd have climbed the tree if I didn't...Sort of...Like her.
Summer 19 - Summer 20
I'm dreaming again. In my dream, a slight figure wobbles somewhere, reaching out an arm...
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Under the cliff... She's barefoot, her pale feet sliding on the rocks. The ground is wet from a storm... I see her begin to slide forward, in dream slow-mo.
She screams as her feet loose their grip. I reach out my hand and grab her, but then the world goes sick and topsy-turvy, and I'm falling too.
She's going to die, the me in the dream things. She's going to die like Mom. The me dreaming know that's not true -- I landed terribly the other day...
But all the same, I want to protect the girl as she's crying. I try to shield her in my arms.
We're falling together...
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We end up on a lower ledge, looking down at that man. He looks furious. I sigh with relief, wiping tears from my eyes and trying to hide them. The girl laughs and waves her prize.
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She seems...Completely unafraid, now. Completely at ease. But she doesn't laugh that I was crying -- she just puts her arm around me as she waves her flower and waits for her dad to bring us down...
That girl was...
Summer - 20 - xxx1
I wake up and try to shake off the dream. Or was it a memory, like before? I don't really know for sure.
The carpenter from last night stops me again.
"I know what you need!"
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"...I'll do my best." I admit...I feel like I kind of do. I've just been so busy with farming and girls and farming and girls.
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"Sweet and sour?"
"...Maybe?"
What, some sort of chilli glaze, or some variation on a sweet and sour sauce? Actually, that sounds kind of nice. Sort of a tart flavor...It'd go well for a variation of sweet-and-sour chicken.
But this is clearly not what he meant.
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"Try and find them."
He advises cheerfully.
"...I'll try."
Wait. Did he mean those berries I've bought and gotten? They were kind of sparkly...
Anyway...
At the flower shop, Basil's also apparently worried after me.
"I bet it's girl trouble that's got you down, right?"
"How'd you guess?"
"Because like a flower, a relationship with a girl is delicate. It drives a man to woe."
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"What I say is true. I've travelled the whole world looking at flowers, but the bloom most worth the trouble's in the room with me."
This turns Lillia into giggling jelly.
"Oh, Basil..." She snaps her fingers.
"Well, we'll just have to give Fox our help, too! Popuri can be such a stubborn girl..."
Wait. That isn't...
Oh, boy.
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I buy some grass while I'm here.
And I find Elli fishing at the beach.
"Heya. Catching anything?"
"I'm not even baiting the hook...When I feel lonely, sometimes, I go fishing."
"...Why?"
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"...But I never had the chance. So when I fish, I think of him."
"...I see. It sounds like a nice way to feel connected."
"Yeah. He was a big fan of fishing -- that's how he met Jeff and he started working at the bakery, before my father passed...I remember missing my father, and being tought to fish...So all the things and people I love end up connected."
"Then I'll have to try fishing sometime."
"You should,"
she said with a soft smile.
After a while, I move on to the vineyard. There doesn't seem to be anyone there, which is...Odd. I'm heading toward the tree in the back when I spot Karen, nursing her ankle.
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"Karen? You OK?"
"No...My ankle twisted when I fell." She tries to stand up, but a jolt of pain runs through her when she puts her foot down.
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"Uneven ground? Here, lean on me." Karen's the sort of girl who probably wouldn't tolerate being carried. That's the vibe I get. I doubt she'd even tolerate leaning on someone.
"Oh, alright..."
She tries to lean on my shoulder, but winces and collapses back down.
"That's gotta be bad..."
I'm a little surprised how easily she accepted that, though...
"Y-yeah..."
"Well, then..." I scoop her up.
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Karen's lighter than I expected. I guess it's the dancing. She looks surprised that I'm picking her up...And then she blushes and scowls.
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"It's embaressing..."
"You need help so I'm giving it. What's embaressing about that?"
"W-well...That's...It...Quit being logical about that!"
I laugh.
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"I don't want you thinking that I can't do anything without you, you know. I mean, you've helped a lot just listening..."
"I don't think that. You're tough -- you're the one who's trying to push everyone to keep what you love alive...So of course I want to help when you need it. That's tough."
If I think about it...Isn't that how I've lived? Anything to get away from Dad. Anything to not rely. Out here...That seems dumb. I can't help Karen help her family without someone else. It's like Elli was saying -- the things you care about are connected.
She smiles and blushes.
"Well, maybe that's true... I guess we'll count this as pre-paying for dancing lessons, alright?"
"Sounds good." We laugh. She sinks a little into my arms, turning my fireman's carry into an impromptu hug.
"...You know...Sometimes it feels really safe, talking to you. It's felt that way...Maybe since we met. That's why I can't lose. I won't lose to anyone."
"H-Hey! What's that about?"
"I bet you're the sort of guy who wants to play the field...And I guess that's just how you are. But I won't give up on you until I know for sure what I want...Is that alright?"
...I...
I feel safe, too, holding her in my arms.
"Alright. I can't control what you feel, right?"
"Exactly!"
We head into her house. Her mom rushes over.
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"Fox helped me back here."
"Oh, let me get the first aid kit..."
We end up taking a while to get first aid together; it's twilight when I leave. The scent of her skin is lingering in the air around me...
But that's it for today.