[Asta Kask]

Originally Posted by Al'izh'dheg

Spoilered so I don't fill up the page with whining that nobody needs to suffer through.

Spoiler

Which is interesting to me as I have absolutely no interest in fashion. I've really been thinking about my gender lately. I've made friends with some folks on Facebook who are in the process of, or already have transitioned. What really scares me is lots of pictures really strike me as "guy in drag" not "transwoman." It immediately turns of me mentally and doesn't fit what I see myself as.

I feel really shallow when this happens, because I know that if I actually can't *look* like a woman, I would never be able to go through with transition. I mean I get that people have good and bad days. That's a given but... *sigh*

At first I struggled with what it means to be trans. Then I struggled with being a "real" woman. Now I'm struggling with being a "real" transwoman. No, I'm not trying to be offensive, I'm being sincere. I don't think my mind has wrapped around all of my issues.

Couple this with the fact that I'm a chameleon in society (meaning I change my behaviors (sometimes drastically) depending on the context I'm in and what is accepted) and what it boils down to is the fact that I have no freaking clue where the real me begins and where all the bs ends. Some days it feels like I'm all bs. That there *is* no "real" me.

Edit: Dang it!!! I just read Natalie's blog for the first time, and the very first thing I read is how horribly cis-biased what I just wrote was!!! Gah, I hate myself now. I'm so, so sorry to everybody I just offended.

If you read through my posts over there (that should take a while), you'll see just how wrong I have been. But that's not the point. The point is I'm willing to change and I'm willing to work for it. We are not born knowing all of this, we have to learn and we have to learn from someone.

Since I started reading Natalie's blog I have had to re-evaluate my opinions about drug abusers and the so-called working classes and thoroughly work through my thoughts about what is proper and improper behavior around trans people. It's difficult, sure. My cognitive dissonance from one of her posts was probably part of what sent me to the mental hospital. But the alternative is to live a lie and I'm not willing to do that.

I cannot believe that the goal of Natalie's blog is to induce shame and guilt in the readers. It is to open our eyes to a new world with new vistas and new opportunities. And whatever else I know, one thing is for sure - self-loathing is never the answer.

*hug*

Originally Posted by Lix Lorn

I sort of get that. There's quite a bit of difference between the internet-me, the internet persona I act, and the self I have in munspace. Sometimes I don't even know if any of them have any resemblance to me anymore.

Internet-me and meatspace me are two different things. They have many things in common, but I'm considerably more flirty on the Internet, for instance. But that's what humans do - we adapt to the environment. Things that are proper to say in one company are not proper to say in others. And that's fine.

*hug*