[Drowlord]

Originally Posted by Dr Bwaa

@Drowlord
Welcome! This snippet was very enjoyable; I sincerely hope you stick around! It sounds like there is a lot more to this story--I hope you decide to keep telling it!

Thank you. It is a part of a long story, and I do intend to keep writing snippets of it.

Originally Posted by Dr Bwaa

Spoiler

Heh, very nice. I like this opening a lot.

Spoiler

Thanks.

Originally Posted by Dr Bwaa

"green lights" and "cones of cold", I think, could be more descriptive. You're describing an ongoing, rather chaotic battle here, and some more vivid descriptions of the spell slinging around would be nice. They don't even have to be particularly faithful to the spells they're describing; in fact I think this sort of thing works better if descriptions do not conform exactly to spells. A cone of cold, for instance, is unlikely to actually look like a code of cold except to someone with the knowledge to call it by its spell name--it's really more of a blast of elemental ice.

Good advice. I sort of added it to show where the other members of Kylorin's party were. To make it more descriptive would add a lot to the story. I will add that.

Originally Posted by Dr Bwaa

This whole passage is fantastic, except that the part I bolded is unclear and feels very game-mechanics-y. First, "the strong fighter" seems like it might apply to either of them--who is the subject here? If it's Kylorin, the exposition is a little too forced. We already know that he's a sword-wielding type with a battered crown, so we can assume he is both strong, and a fighter. However, in the next sentence, "he" clearly refers to Jantus, so now I have to wonder if that's who was being described, instead. I think you should get away with just using a name here, or else just describing him less explicitly but more clearly (refer to something about him that elicits a feeling of strength, rather than stating it outright, then use Jantus' name in the next sentence. Or if the whole thing is describing Jantus, give a description that clarifies that; something that would apply to Jantus but not to Kylorin).

Yeah, that was one of the confusing points. Kylorin was the main character here, Jantus being a lower-level fighter who escaped the ruin of Kyloria. I will change that to show the scene more clearly.

Originally Posted by Dr Bwaa

The same goes here. If he's conjuring a shield of white fire, it's obvious that he can use magic. In this case, though, the explicit statement reads better, since I (as the reader) am caught somewhat off-guard by the shield of white fire coming from a warrior type (and since the phrasing could be a little more vivid in general). I think this passage would read more smoothly with the order switched around a bit, something like "Hundreds of arrows hissed through the air at him, but Kylorin was not only a warrior, but a king wise in the ways of magic, and every shaft that approached him was consumed in a flicker of white fire."

Changing the wording around is very much clearer; thanks for mentioning it.

Originally Posted by Dr Bwaa

When did he get wounded? Just now? This could use some clarity.

Yes, just then.

Originally Posted by Dr Bwaa

*principles, though I think a different word might be better here, anyway.

I will change that to 'honor' or something similar. Good catch.

Originally Posted by Dr Bwaa

This is a good moment, but as a reader I really want to know who that woman is. In a moment you mention Kylorin's queen--is this her? If so, I would expect a reaction from Kylorin, even though he's at the edge of death. If it's not her, then who is this random person? She gets a bit of description, but no name or context, and is then disintegrated. I want to know more!

She is indeed Kylorin's queen. That should indeed be stated. I will put that in.

Originally Posted by Dr Bwaa

I like this final scene; it feels a bit rushed though. The repeated "shell" is a little awkward, and I assume that final "crow" is supposed to be plural. In general I'd like this ending paragraph to be just a bit longer--it's supposed to (unless I'm mistaken) give a sense of desolation and stillness, and force the reader to reflect on the battle. Just another sentence or two of description would be nice; it's good to make the pacing of the prose line up with the feelings you're trying to convey. Picture this snippet as the final scene in a movie--this shot of crows pecking at the dead, perhaps with a couple of widows/children appearing to look for survivors, would be a pretty long closing shot, all things considered, even though nothing is actually happening. I find that to be a helpful way to think about how much time to spend on a given description; obviously there are exceptions.

The second 'shell' will be changed to case now. I cannot think of a better word here, strangely. The second 'crow' was indeed intended to be 'crows', and I indeed forced the end. Will put in more description. Thanks again for the good advice, and I will edit the original and put in the second snippet in the series soon.

Kingdoms Will Fall II

Spoiler

The night had fallen on Kyloria.
Jantus stood on the deck of the flagship of the fleet, the Glitterscales. The shadows were ink of the gods, stirred into the water by the pounding of the huge storm that had roared from the heavens. Tongues of lightning shot from the sky, careening madly across the surf.

Night had fallen.
Jantus' cloak fluttered in the wind, and he shivered in his armor as the sky split open with winds of death. He knew Kylorin was dead, deep in his heart, and that meant Kyloria was doomed. So was he. The demons had slain the mightiest and noblest warrior he knew. Jantus had lived long, and seen many things, but he was the last hero of Kyloria the fallen, doomed among doom. Green Island, the last city of Kyloria, remained, with a shipload of refugees coming towards it.

Kyloria had fallen.
The welcoming yellow light of the lighthouse shone into the night, and the ship swung towards it. The fleet glowed with eerie blue fire as it docked in the harbor. Armored men, small children, and frightened women poured out on the docks, stumbling to places to stay with their families, huddled for warmth against the booming sky.

Honor had fallen.
Jantus roared over the storm, "There are dry rooms and food for you all in the fortress. We have been making them comfortable for you. Please go there, save the Knights of Kylorin."
Most of the masses on the docks slowly shuffled along the crowded timbers, as lightning staggered and reeled in the sky overhead. A small force, armored but cloaked to keep the rain off, stood awaiting orders.

Justice had fallen.
Jantus ordered them to ready positions along the coast. They were the elite soldiers of Kyloria, and they would be alert whenever the enemies came. Jantus knew better than to hope they would be stopped by the water. He set off down the windings of the huge city to the palace-fortress of the Six of Kyloria; Kylorin, his queen Alenta, the witch Hexila, the paladin Kalah, Aline the cleric, and him. Now he alone ruled the forces of Kyloria. He alone could save them or destroy them. His fingers hefted his axe's handle as he walked to the army in front of the fortress.

Bravery had fallen.
"Men of Kyloria, I come to you today to state one thing. We are strong.
The demons are strong, and intelligent, and deadly. We are mere men. They are menace incarnate. What have we they have not?
We are brave, and they are not. Let us shield ourselves with bravery. We have love. Let our love power us into defending our country and loved ones. We have honor. Our honor will be a cleansing flame to their wooden lies. We shall set their straw trickery alight, and we will be a beacon of glory and goodness."

Light had fallen.
He walked among them to thundering applause. No thunder of earth, though, could drown the heavens' mad howl of death and darkness. He began ordering groups to different sections of the city walls, putting only a small elite guard in the fortress, which was in the very center of the city. He walked into the central bastion, into the bedroom prepared for him. His armor clinked as he fell into bed in it, too tired to take it off, too depressed to bother, too worried to think of it. The guards spread out through the palace, taking care not to wake the last hero of Kyloria.

Twilight had fallen.
Long after, a quiet hiss echoed through the palace as a glowing swirl appeared in the air in the back of Jantus' room. The demon general Kalarah, with a troop of demon warriors, slowly marched through the portal.
Jantus' eyes opened as one dropped a shield, clattering among the floor's stones. He sprung out of bed and roared in shock, swinging his now-glowing axe at a demon soldier, cleaving through dark leather and demonic flesh. The soldier screamed and clawed at his mail coat, entangling its claws. It hissed frustratedly as he poleaxed it to the ground, knocking it out of his way. The demon general smiled, pulling out a long, barbed whip that glowed with abyssal fire. Cracking it, he sent his troops out to combat the elite guard in the fortress.

The sun had fallen.
Jantus swiped at the demon with the axe, but Kalarah coated it in fire, reducing the metal blade to bubbling puddles on the floor and the handle to a charred stick. Jantus managed to whack the demon on the side with the handle, creating a spray of blood that dripped down the demon's cloak, but Kalarah leapt at the human, his hands burning with dark flames. They burned into his chest, melting metal and setting cloth on fire.
The hero stumbled back, melting metal baking his chest, two burning handprints in his skin. Black spots danced before his eyes, and he didn't move as Kalarah slowly charged a fire in the palm of his hand.
He kicked out with an armored boot, smashing the demon's already-bruised side. Kalarah howled and clutched his side in pain. In a flash the human was at the demon's throat, gripping hard enough for Kalarah to see red.
A whip curled around his hands, burning them deep with fire. He leapt back, his hands dead, his chest burned with demon fire and with melted steel welded to it.
The demon cracked it across his shoulder, then realized his mistake as the human used the momentum to trap the burning whip in the crook of his shoulder and ripped it from his hands. The human savagely kicked the off-balance demon in the same spot. He sank to the floor, doubled over. The human raised his iron boot to kick in Kalarah's face.
"Fool. Look where your honor is now."
"Honor? You lost yours millennia ago."
"You deserve better, Jantus. I see fate for you. Death is at your door."
The last hero of Kyloria kicked with savage derision, cracking the grinning face below him. The body dissapeared in a blast of hellfire.
He sank to the floor, burning with pain and loss. Honor gone, life gone. He had nothing to live for. He had killed without honor, had been mocked by a demon righteously. His heart slowly ceased to beat, and a dull nothingness spread over him.

The last hero had fallen.
The elite guard had defeated the last of the demon warriors infiltrating the palace. They went to report to the chief general, out ton the ramparts of the greater fortress.
They saw they were too late. The last of their soldiers were fighting desperately with the hugely reduced demon horde.
Their leader knelt, tears in his eyes. "The rest of you, go and fight for your country. I have something to do."
They obeyed wordlessly, understanding his grief and rage. With a swirl of his cloak, the leader ascended the stairs to Jantus' room.
The lone warrior knelt before the dead hero. Jantus had been their last hope. He had destroyed the second-in-command of the demon army, though. No hero could hope for much more.
He focused, and stepped into a swirl in the air.

Night had fallen on Kyloria.