First, I really like the phrase "quiet blank vastness". Your two -ness nouns in a row here stand out a bit more than you probably intended, though, and the ending "that she couldn't stand" seems arbitrarily tacked-on; it doesn't flow with the rest of the sentence.[/quote]
Hmm, fair point with the repetition, didn't notice that bit.
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*set
"Sat down" is a thing you did; "set down" is a thing you did to something else.
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Whoops.
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You say this, and then follow up a full paragraph describing how good she looks.
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Heh, oops. Probably one of those times where I started writing a paragraph and it ends up going off in a completely different direction than originally expected.
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This sounds like Diane is the one who is older (because of the proximity of "herself", which makes it kind of a weird sentence. But, we find out next paragraph that actually the opposite is true. When there's a 20-year difference between characters' ages, it's important to make sure it's clear which one is which.
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Good point, I'll try and fix it.
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It's not clear who "she" is; the last subject you have is the waitress so that's obviously not right, but then before that it's Grace--which we find out later is also incorrect. There's nothing wrong with "the rumble of Diane's stomach".
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Herp. Pronouns, they vex me.
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Okay this is kind of weird given how much time we just spent ogling Grace's legs.
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Hah! Okay, yeah. The intention was for it to be kind of scathingly sarcastic, but I did a poor job of expressing that.
Well, "squee" generally refers to a sort of excited fangirl-y noise (like "oh my god I'm living in a fantasy novel this is so cool if I survive the next five minutes"), so it would have been a little inappropriate at the time.
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Lol. I like it, though Diane isn't showing as much discomfort with apparently being a demigod as I would have expected.
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Ah, the idea is that she mostly came to terms with that over the past week or so (had been corresponding with Grace by e-mail and phone for a while), but perhaps I didn't make that clear.
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This is very well-done. We're seeing the strength of Grace's personality in a way that didn't come through in her introduction, because that was exposition, whereas this is demonstration.
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Well thank you! I hoped that I wasn't too crude or heavy-handed with it, I was kind of trying to express the idea of "mortal shell or not, this is still a
goddess, and she's been playing nice with you until now".
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Watch your tenses.
The repetetiveness detracts from the otherwise very elegant description here.
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Ah, good catches. Will fix.
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I liked this snippet a lot! Your prose flows very well and you have some great descriptive moments. Both characters come off very well and you do a really good job with Diane's ambivalence. It's a great first contribution; I hope you're planning to stick around for more!
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Well thank you very much! I actually might write up some more Scion scenes in the near future, it's a very fun setting.