@Kaun
I'm glad I haven't frightened you off too much. I usually don't unleash any really crazy critiques until at
least the second snippet. I definitely know the feeling when it comes to not being able to see obvious errors in your own work--like, I'll break rules that I
hate when people break and just completely not notice no matter how many times I edit it.
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people pay me to get yelled for a living
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Your job sounds... unpleasant.
@Winds
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...Pun intended, I suppose? 
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Of course! Looking forward to the next bit (as always, but if time shenanigans are involved? Sign me up).