Originally Posted by Realms of Chaos
Thank you very much for that quick analysis. I've always wanted to be a better writer so something like this thread is something of a godsend for me. I am in your debt, good woman.
Edit: Now for a rewrite into the 1st person.
Finished? Probably worse than the original, though. GAH!
You're very welcome
I actually enjoyed the first person more. It was nice to get entirely into Flouzer's head. I noticed a couple of typos, but they were all things you forgot to change when you converted it to first person, so no biggy
One thing I will mention is to be careful of your tenses. This is something I have a hard time with as well, but I noticed in a couple of places you've used the wrong tense.
On a lighter note, I actually wrote something yesterday! Can't post it though, because I actually hand wrote
it (because husband was using my laptop to play Mount & Blade). I will type it up tonight and post it then
I have a new character I'm quite excited about, so I have a whole pile of backstory ideas in my head.
Can I make a snippet request? Pisha, I just read your post in the 'nasty things to do to your players' thread. Can you please,
pretty please turn that into a snippet? It's so awesome it just cries out to be written
more edits: have another snippet
first in a planned series.
or Quite Delightful and Enchanting
“Who is that child?” the speaker was a man from the local temple to ? He hadn’t said much beyond requesting new drinks and his voice startled me. I turned to follow his pointing finger and shrugged
“That’s just Lyra” I said, “she’s the daughter of one of my serving girls.” I pointed myself, drawing the man’s attention to where Merith was clearing the detritus of two solid hours of drinking.
“She is quite enchanting” he said, smiling in the manner of a man who has children of his own. One of my eyebrows shot up, seemingly of its own accord. I had never considered Lyra to be an ‘enchanting’ child. Still, the more I engaged this man, the more he was likely to spend. I could accept that familiarity might breed contempt.
I set down the glass I was cleaning and gave my attention to Lyra. Her black hair trailed down past her waist. She is small, but so is her mother. Big blue eyes, but tiny and pale. She is cute I will admit. In the way that all small children are cute. I very much doubt that she will grow up to be anybody’s idea of a beauty though. She was currently running through my tavern, using a piece of bright blue ribbon as a streamer. Alton held out a hand to her and she stopped immediately. they’re an odd looking pair, the five year old human child and the halfling man – barely an inch of difference between them. Lyra grinned and put the ribbon in his hand. Alton immediately stood on his chair and began waving the ribbon around and over his head. Lyra burst out with laughter, dancing around and trying to grab the ribbon.
Now that I think about it, they do this every time Alton appears in the tavern. How odd – Alten is a solemn, surely creature – the only time I ever see him smile is when Lyra is around. I watch her more closely as she reclaims her ribbon and dances off. Is that the halfling language she’s speaking? Now that is a surprise.
“She has her moments” I admit grudgingly. I’m not sure why it bothers me, and the cleric? Paladin? Priest? - I can never tell the difference. Anyway, he seems to recognise that I have no real reason for dissatisfaction.
“Quite delightful” he says, setting his mug back on the counter. “She brightens the room.”
The used mug finds its way into my hand while I find myself musing on the cleric’s (?) words. Merith catches my eye and makes a couple of incomprehensible hand gestures I have finally worked out mean she is going ot take Lyra upstairs. A nod to Tanner to take over the bar and I take the latest dishes out the back to the kitchen. I’m gone for barely a minute and yet as soon as I get back, I can sense the change in mood. Alten is growling into his mug and his companions are looking both nervous and exasperated. Tanner is leaning on the bar, drumming his fingertips on the polished wood. Men and women are finishing mouthfuls of food and drink and taking their leave.
Enchanting. Quite delightful. Maybe. Maybe not. But as Merith returns to the tavern floor I begin to think I should start convincing her to extend Lyra’s bed time.