The Tale of the Twice-Fought Hydra
(or Of Slow Paladins and Civilized Barbarians)
another Lelk story of mine, it actually happened in game, over the course of three sessions.
Ok, so my party, (Lelk (me), Al the paladin, and the monk) had gone out to fight a Hydra. problem was, once we got to the Hydra wefought it for a while and it wasn't dropping, it was stronger than we thought and we got out of there before the Hydra could kill any of us.
So we went to this barbarian village to get help to kill the hydra. the paladin arrived there first on his mount, he sort of ran over what he called a "pimp barbarian" said barbarian had a leopard skin hat and cape so...whatever...
the pimp barbarian sorta got mad and Al had to run to the local paladin fortress which had been stationed there to watch the barbarians for some reason to get away from the angry imp barbarian,and the paladins basically told him he was being a bad paladin and such.
Lelk and the monk arrived next of course. Lelk sort of failed on some roll, and gone into a tavern and started drinking and soon started singing on stage, (he had a picked up a tendency to sing over the course of his adventures)
and basically became an instant celebrity through my own warped luck. the monk meanwhile fruitlessly tried rallying the populace of the barbarian town to kill the hydra.
next sessions, I go find the barbarian leaders place, but his door guard person stands in the way and prevents Lelk from getting in, the monk goes in instead, tells him about the hydra, the leader guys kicks the monk out and then forms a committee on killing the hydra- like I said, oddly civilized barbarians.
So seeing as how Lelks attempt at getting to the barbarian didn't really work and he didn't know the monk did stuff, I decided that since the barbarians didn't really like the paladins stationed at the fortress, and Lelk didn't know where the fortress was and since the barbarians did know but hated the paladins, I decided that Lelk would go "hey, I hate paladins! who here also hates paladins?" and so I succeeded in like gaining people to help me tell me where the paladin fortress was, I just, succeeded too well and formed this anti-paladin barbarian mob....who just began to tour me around
meanwhile the monk did.....I dunno I forgot what exactly, the important thing is, that when the tour was over and the anti-paladin barbarians had shown me where the fortress was then decided to go home, cause they weren't stupid and try and assault that place, so I just slinked off from the group, met up with the monk then gone to the fortress, paid a copper to get in.
So then I decide that the best way Lelk gets to be known as good and such is by singing songs and so he starts singing a song called "Oh My Paladin Buddy" basically an upbeat song about awesome paladins are, dedicated to his good friend Al the paladin. the paladins of course like it, so now Lelk is a musical celebrity to both the barbarians and the paladins.
During the paladins dinnertime, I tell the paladins that they should help us go kill this hydra we found (Al couldn't because they thought he was a bad paladin and such) and so the next day we go to slay the Hydra with a bunch of paladins.
Problem: these paladins are slow. Seriously, first they take all morning to get ready, my DM described the paladins as one of those large families taking a vacation and generally being disorganized and taking their sweet time, they go along the roads, through the barbarian town (I evaded being discovered by the barbarians there) and we gone down the roads to the monastery where we set out from in the first place to kill said Hydra, then they spent two days there giving the monks a lot of tribute cause the paladins receive tribute and yadda yadda yadda, meanwhile cooking nice foods with lots of spices that the monk generally don't eat cause they are ascetic monks and such, but they soon finally get going towards the hydra.
problem: in the woods we run into the barbarian horde the barbarian hydra committee had sent out and while they were faster, the barbarians were stupid and got lost in the woods. So now, we were surrounded by two factions armed to the teeth...with me right there, who had kinda manipulated them both...
now in the final session, a new player had arrived int he group playing and elf ranger, the Dm said that the elf ranger had led the barbarians through the woods cause she didn't like stupid barbarians being in the woods.
I then tried singing a song about killing the hydra, it fails, the monk spots the ranger tries to get a better look at her but it also fails and basically the monk and ranger just interact with each other while important was happening.
and, while all this was going on, Al while in the middle of the paladins for some reason decided to weave a basket of flowers, three rolls, he rolls all of them well,finding the best wood, the best flowers, crafting it very well....and declares it that he is going to give it to....the hydra. that we are trying to slay.
I have no idea what was going through his mind.
Meanwhile, negotiations wasn't going well, if I didn't unite the barbarians and the paladins we wouldn't have enough manpower so I decided to sing "Oh My Paladin Buddy" on an absurd gambit.
To a bunch of barbarians.
That hate paladins.
The DM rolled a d100 and I got an 86. turns out they all liked the song weird.
A few more turns pass before I decided to try and speak a speech to unite the two factions to team up and work together.
I rolled and got a 20.
Instant unity, they put aside their differences to fight the hydra, my poor DM hung his head at my absurd luck.
meanwhile on the way to the hydra, Al ran ahead, put his flower basket in front of the hydra and ran away, the Hydra just looked at it, completely confused. (still have no idea what was going through Al's head). then the barbarian-paladin horde descended upon the hydra and killed it, I just stood admiring that my plan had worked, then the barbarians went back into the woods to get lost, again, and the paladins and us went back to the monastery.