Oh my word... I'm going to be pretty details-lite. Some older posters may remember my past woes concerning A, or not, ah well. In summary: an eight year long best friendship/romance-thinger has come to a screeching, abrupt end with absolutely no warning. A decided, for a number of reasons that I don't care to discuss, to cut me out of her life entirely yesterday. Her single most important reason (which I didn't even understand until today), is actually right. The bottom line is, there are some things I need to learn, and some areas I need to grow in, and she isn't the girl for me to learn them from. Apparently, there was some negative quality I was casting on her life, and her as a person, but I still don't understand that part. I suspect, I'll have to leave those questions unanswered for the immediate. So, she just... cut me out. More than once in the last couple months, she assured me, even promised me, that I would not lose her... and now she's gone.
I'm... doing okay... I think... I haven't spoken to her since yesterday, and I don't plan to... at least for a week. Maybe longer. I'm hurting, but in a stunning turn of events, in losing her, I seem to have regained my old social mask. For the moment, only two people know that I'm down; one I explicitly told, and one SHOULD be A... but, things sort of turned into a tiff at the end. My fault. She may know and not give a damn, or she may just not give a damn. No idea. Nobody else (well, other than you guys) knows what's going on in my head and heart right now... I think I'm going to keep it that way, at least for now.
It's a sort of cold comfort, knowing that I've found my mask again. My poker face, if you will. Rationally, I know it's not necessarily healthy in the long term... but I can't say how long I'll be wearing it.
Chin up, and keep a stiff upper lip, they say. It's a phrase I haven't had to tell myself in quite some time.