I think this is everybody; let me know if I missed you.
Also any comments on my last couple snippets? Since the next one isn't going to be ready for a little while because I'm slow?
@Gareth
SpoilerThe "for" is unneeded/redundant/awkward here.speaking to a man many would kill for just to get a chance to meet.
This sentence, however, ends too quickly for my liking; I had to reread it to be sure I knew what was going on. Not the biggest problem in the world, but when you're in the middle of a flowing dream montage you want to avoid that sort of thing. "...intent on letting me do so" would make this much clearer. Otherwise, this dream sequence is great.I am here to kill him, and I am very surprised that he seems intent on letting me
As Nyarai mentioned, you say it a three times in two sentences.wood, wood, wood
This is great.My arrow pins the apple to the inside of his mouth, half-bitten and bleeding juice.
This was pretty unexpected. The cadence change doesn't bother me, but I had to go back and reread the paragraph before to understand why that might have happened (still not completely clear how you break your knife in someone's eye). If he's literally driving the blade pretty much full-length through this guy's skull, I'd mention that before this line.I bent the tip. Damn. That's going to take forever to fix.
This is good stuff. "Hurts" is a little weak though.I take an arrow in the shoulder and the force knocks me back. I go with it, let it spin me to the ground, and tear it out roughly. It hurts and sends bright spots swimming in front of my eyes, but I can't have it stuck in me when I drink my potion.
Very, very nice.I sheathe my blade and keep walking away. I need to set a good example, even if no one that matters can see me. Assassins cannot thrive in chaos, and discipline starts at the top.
Overally I liked this snippet a lot. Honestly the only thing that I felt was a little out of place was the Shout; it seemed almost like you only put in the actual words to say "hey readers this is skyrim!" Otherwise, Jalrissa's characterization (everyone's, really) is great; it really comes together well at the end when she's ended up fighting people hand-to-hand and complaining that it's not what she's "supposed to be doing". As always, your handling of a chaotic battle scene is inspiring.
@SleepyShadow
SpoilerYay more Clarice!
I expected this to be the setup for a joke ("Then she realized that the last thing she remembered was being beaten. Mercilessly.") As it isn't, the sentence falls a little flat--a little too much exposition without description, (ie. what did she feel?), or maybe because you're using a truthful simile (ie. there's weirdness because she was beaten, nearly to death. "It felt like she'd fallen out of an airship" would be a more enlightening comparison).It felt like someone had mercilessly beaten her.
Heheheheh. Also I don't think I've mentioned this before; I love that she yells the names of her maneuvers."I've had it with your Tome of Battle crap!"
God I love your party."You could try doing something other than **** out cats."
"Preposterous!"
...oh god. For someone with a tragically low INT, Ed sure does care about etiquette"You turned into a doggie-girl and tried to eat our faces," Ed answered as best he could. "Face eating is rude, doggie-girl."
Ahahahahahahaha.--Fluffy/Clarice "exposition" conversation--
Can't tell whether to d'awwwww or D:Clarice's hand slipped away from Ed's sleeve, and the man rose to his feet. He patted her on the head, then turned and walked out of the clearing. Clarice stared after him for several long horror-struck moments. Eventually, she let her head fall against her knees and she began to weep bitterly.
This is a great moment. Also, I'm surprised Shane & Fluffy haven't made some comment about her new level adjustment yet"I'm so sorry," Clarice said quietly as she quickly made her way up the trail ahead of the group, her cheeks burning with shame.
Oh, Strahd von Zarovich is great. Great great great. Also, poor Ed. For a rogue, he's pretty terrible at staying out of harm's way.--session ending--
Very fun snippet as usual. I like seeing more real interaction between the party; Shane/Fluffy's abuse of Clarice and Ed's pretecting everyone while Clarice struggles with her new bloodlust are all very well done. I hope that magic sword is pretty great, because otherwise I'm not seeing much of a way out of way out for our intrepid heroes!
@Kaveman26
SpoilerRather than drop these titles so explicitly, why not let their actions show what they are? Especially when you've got people like a barbarian and illusionist--these positions should be exceedingly easy (and fun) to show the reader without stating it outright.Kyr their fighter ~ Corwin their barbarian ~ Caramis their illusionist
Same thing here; "spilling drinks" is good but then "causing mayhem" lacks any real descriptive power. Replacing this with another example of the sorts of destruction occurring would make the scene more vivid.spilling drinks and causing mayhem
This is a great line, and a good reveal of the party's plan.I suppose we can extract at least another thousand for wrongful imprisonment and unnessecary search.
Overall, very nice first snippet! There are a couple typos here and there, but nothing world-shattering. This party is certainly entertaining; I look forward to more!
@Nyarai
SpoilerFixed that for you.The King's Other Castle. It was such aridiculousfantastic name for a tavern
::shudder:: This is a great description; love the details (though I believe slovenly is generally used to describe people, rather than things).His clothes were slovenly, and he had unwisely kept his long locks despite a very receded hairline. Even more atrocious than his fashion sense were his table manners. The sot could barely keep food in his mouth, and sauce dribbled down his chins.
You know, I was worried about this guy the moment he gave his name..."No dearest," Cyric replied, and there was an edge to his voice. "You're actually one of the better mortal poisoners I've met."
Wait what? Who is Vaalfar? I had assumed this was actually Cyric, randomly messing with some mortals. Is Vaalfar an agent of his, or is the name just coincidence. Suddenly I understand nothing.Vaalfar laughed as he shoved the woman aside.
Awesome."Ah well. Live and learn." Vaalfar cast an eye over her corpse and chuckled. "Figuratively speaking."
Great first snippet! The last line left me a touch confused (what stories?), but overally this was great. I really enjoyed the voice & the language, and the pacing was excellent. Many more to come, I hope?
@Tavar
SpoilerIt might be my lack of Exalted knowledge getting the better of me here, but I can't make heads or tails of this sentence. Otherwise, this is a very nice slice-of-life/flashback snippet; I'd love to see more from this story. I really like some of the things you've done with the descriptions of Heaven, both politically and physically. The final conversation starts a little abruptly, which is perfect for the scene, and I love the ending lineMaidens, but one relatively recent Chosen of Endings survived fighting in that whole Bull of the North Debacle.
@Winds
SpoilerComing from a typical D&D adventurer who later in the same snippet admits that he damned himself in return for mortal power--great opening line. And completely reasonable from his standpoint, of course.These people are all mad.
Heh. Good reminder here.We are to take out whatever air defenses they have. I hope Elle knows what that means.
Good question.How is it that these people took over and rebuilt a nation without knowing about pacifists?
Fun snippet; it seems a little departed from the more recent ones in terms of content--a little less detailed, I think, since you're covering so much. I would have liked to see some of the other party members' reactions to this situation (admittedly a little difficult because of the journal-entry format). Uh... good luck against the God-Emperor?