The shadows were ink of the gods, stirred into the water by the pounding of the huge storm that had roared from the heavens.
Great image. As before, this snippet begins beautifully.
he shivered in his armor as the sky split open with winds of death from the battle that had slain the mightiest and noblest warrior he knew
There's a lot going on in this sentence; the beginning is great, but somewhere in the middle it loses focus a bit. I think this would be stronger if you broke it up; on the one hand you've got Jantus shivering in his armor agains the ugly ocean breeze off the land; on the other you've got the battle and the loss of a companion. They're related, but they don't need to be smashed together quite so closely, I don't think (or maybe I just object to the verb "split" used here as a thing that "winds of death" can do. Either way, I'd prefer Jantus shivering (not from the cold, but from the reminder, yes? Again, this is a good moment), then another sentence of reflection on the fallen Kylorin.
had lived long, and seen many things. But he was the last hero of Kyloria the fallen.
This comes right after a partial-switch to talking about Kylorin, which makes the subject of these sentences unclear. I assume you're still referring to Jantus, but it's not very clear.
One city remained, with a small fleet of refugees coming towards them.
This sentence confuses me. It just needs a touch of cleanup; the only thing we know about is the ship. What city (or does this refer to the fleeing population of the fallen one)? Who is "them"?
Armored men, small children, and women
Parallelism is a way of making your phrases and sentences more cohesive; here, by not putting an adjective in front of "women", you break the parallel structure you had set up with the beginning of the sentence. It's not wrong by any means, but the sentence will be smoother if you put something there (even better if you can make each phrase have the same number of total syllables (lush berries, tart apples, and sweet peaches)).
poured out on the docks, wandering to comfortable places to stay, huddled for warmth against the frothing sky.
This is a little ambivalent. "Wandering" and "comfortable" suggest calm and perhaps melancholy, whereas "poured", "huddled", and "frothing" are all very energetic.
Most of the masses on the docks slowly moved
along the crowded timbers
Shuffled, pressed, something more descriptive. Try not to use bland verbs like "moved" or "went" unless there's really no alternative.
A small force, armored but cloaked to keep the rain off, stood in the deluging rain, waking
*Awaiting. Also, I would take out "in the deluging rain" altogether: "A small, armored force, cloaked to keep the rain off, remained on the dock awaiting orders." We already know it's pouring, and you mention it once already in this very sentence. Repetition without really hammering it intentionally just makes it feel awkward.
Kylorin, his queen, Alenta, the paladin, Kalah, Alina, the cleric, and him.
I can't make six out of this no matter what I do. You don't need commas when you're describing someone twice in a list like this (so "...Kalah, the cleric Alina, and him." Also, just a note: I'm pretty sure her name was Aline in the last snippet).
"Men of Kyloria, I come to you today to state one thing. We are strong."
"The demons are strong, and intelligent, and deadly. We are mere men. They are menace incarnate. What have we they have not?"
"We are brave, and they are not. Let us shield ourselves with bravery. We have love. Let our love power us into defending our country and loved ones. We have honor. Our honor will be a cleansing flame to their wooden lies. We shall set their straw trickery alight, and we will be a beacon of glory and goodness."
I'm assuming you don't mean for him to get interrupted in the middle, but that's how this reads. If that's intentional, it could be clarified a touch. If not, you should remove the end-quotes from Jantus' first two paragraphs (this shows that when the next quote arrives, it's still the same guy speaking).
putting only a small elite guard in the fortress
. He walked into the fortress
Are they not all in the fortress, if they're guarding the walls? Perhaps you're referring to the inner keep here?
He sprung out of bed and yelled
, swinging his now-glowing axe at a demon soldier
Just "yelled"? His axe lights up and he springs out of bed, but "yelled" falls a bit flat.
It hissed frustratedly as he poleaxed it to the ground
When did he get a polearm?
Jantus swiped at the demon with the axe
Over the course of this fight, you say "the demon" about fifty times. We even know its name already; mix it up a bit and try to avoid the needless repetition. Obviously there's only so much you can do; it's a fight scene and it's important to avoid confusion, but still. The same goes for the word "fire".
causing a highly painful bruise at least
There has got
to be a more descriptive way to say this. Or, if this is mean to be Jantus thinking semi-ironically to himself, say that! "Well, at least he'll have a bruise there in the morning. Probably
, thought Jantus as the demon leaped at him, flaming fists outstreched." Of course, you haven't done any thought-process stuff yet, so even that may not flow so well without a touch of setup.
The last hero of Kyloria kicked with savage derision on the grinning face below him.
Do you really kick on
He sank to the floor, dying of pain and loss, of all. Honor gone, life gone.
I can see what you're doing here, but I don't think it comes across as clearly as you'd like it to. "Dying" is not as descriptive a word as you could use here, and the "of all" really breaks up the flow. A little more time on this description--he's essentially making a conscious decision to give up on life here (if I understand correctly--or else he's just dying with sorrow and grief as the last things in his heart). That's the kind of thing that deserves at least a little more description than you're giving it here.
He focused, and with not a sound, created a swirl in the air he stepped into.
Ahhhhh what? Who is this guy? I understand why he's leaving; that's fairly clear (apparently he doesn't think much about honor himself, though...), but who is he and why was his reaction to run to Jantus, see him dead, then gtfo? I really liked where this thing was ending, except that this left me just incredibly confused.
I like what you did with these; just thought I'd mention it. The very first one seemed a little awkward; I figured it would mirror the last one but it still doesn't parallel the rest of them, where it feels like it should. I don't really know how you could fix that though; maybe I'm just obnoxious that way.
I liked this snippet a lot! It does seem like you rushed some things; there are some miscellaneous typos and tense/agreement issues, but I certainly enjoyed it. I was kind of expecting chapter one to be the end of the campaign--and now it seems like it's even ended-er--but now I'm mentally hooked into the past and
future of this campaign, so well done. Looking forward to seeing where this goes/comes from!
Holy cow these comments got away from me, didn't they.