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Thread: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

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    Dr Bwaa's Avatar

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    Jan 2008
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    Default Re: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

    Re: editing:

    On to the comments.

    His ship has been commandeered by a giant and his followers
    Yeesh. Giants are scary business.

    galleon warship
    A galleon is a warship by definition, no?

    "Fighter Saitomi assessment: minimal threat," it droned.
    Insulting the fighter while mauling his cleric/potential love-interest? Classy!

    "Targets eliminated. Objective complete," the assassin droned as he dropped Saitomi's lifeless corpse to the ground.
    an otherwise doable fight
    0_0 I'm... not sure I agree with your assessment here! This was incredibly one-sided, even one vs two! Will we ever get to find out what the deal was here? (Also I really just enjoyed reading this snippet, as painful as it was. I kept hoping Saitomi would get lucky even though you prefaced the thing with "they all die").

    Yeah, yeah, keep your shirt on.

    I don't care how drunk we were, there is no way that was my idea.
    hehehehe. I'm glad you brought that back up

    Anderson put the VTOL done on a building, so we could go find the tower thingy.
    ...what? I'm just really confused here.

    Like I care!
    I like that we're getting to see more of Elle's personality here.

    So are you done with the crappy reporter deal yet?
    This being on its own paragraph and so abrupt was a bit jarring. It felt like the speaker should have changed, but it didn't. I think if Elle had mentioned the "reporter" jab earlier once so this would be a callback, or if she'd expressed some annoyance at having to recount their adventures, it would be a bit smoother. Overall, sounds like they had a hell of an adventure while Kalach was out

    First, my customary welcome/warning! Welcome to the thread! I try my very best to comment on everything everyone posts. If you don't want me to critique your work, or if there's something in particular you'd like me to focus my critique on (style, tone, broad themes, close reading, etc), just let me know!
    The windows were squares of blackness, thin barriers to hold back that quiet blank vastness that she couldn't stand.
    First, I really like the phrase "quiet blank vastness". Your two -ness nouns in a row here stand out a bit more than you probably intended, though, and the ending "that she couldn't stand" seems arbitrarily tacked-on; it doesn't flow with the rest of the sentence.

    the teenage waitress ... sat down a pitcher of coffee.
    "Sat down" is a thing you did; "set down" is a thing you did to something else.

    At this rate she'd be spinning lines about love-lorn hearts and drinking alone within--

    Ah. Grace is here.
    Nice moment. "Spinning lines" is a bit of an awkward phrase in my opinion, though.

    On the surface, she was unimpressive enough.
    You say this, and then follow up a full paragraph describing how good she looks.

    Diane couldn't help noticing that Grace probably looked better than she did herself, at almost twenty years older.
    This sounds like Diane is the one who is older (because of the proximity of "herself", which makes it kind of a weird sentence. But, we find out next paragraph that actually the opposite is true. When there's a 20-year difference between characters' ages, it's important to make sure it's clear which one is which.

    the rumble of her stomach got the better of her. She ordered a too-big plate of greasy breakfast food
    It's not clear who "she" is; the last subject you have is the waitress so that's obviously not right, but then before that it's Grace--which we find out later is also incorrect. There's nothing wrong with "the rumble of Diane's stomach".

    "So what's up, Mom?"
    Okay this is kind of weird given how much time we just spent ogling Grace's legs.

    her inner twelve-year-old actually had to restrain a squee when that giant brass-feathered condor swooped down on her a few days ago.
    That is some restraint!

    "Younger than what, exactly? Western civilization?"
    Lol. I like it, though Diane isn't showing as much discomfort with apparently being a demigod as I would have expected.

    She'd do it, too. Diane could already feel herself trying to slide off the booth, to throw herself down and beg for forgiveness. All she felt was an icy spiral of shame and fear. She would give anything to make Grace happy, to erase that pain, to see her smile.
    This is very well-done. We're seeing the strength of Grace's personality in a way that didn't come through in her introduction, because that was exposition, whereas this is demonstration.

    Diane unfolds the small bundle
    Watch your tenses.

    with an oddly curved shape and an apple-shaped pommel
    The repetetiveness detracts from the otherwise very elegant description here.

    Turn the blade on yourself tonight, and the ties of fate and lineage will be severed.

    I liked this snippet a lot! Your prose flows very well and you have some great descriptive moments. Both characters come off very well and you do a really good job with Diane's ambivalence. It's a great first contribution; I hope you're planning to stick around for more!
    Last edited by Dr Bwaa; 2012-08-15 at 06:28 PM.
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