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Thread: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

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    Default Re: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

    Quote Originally Posted by Dr Bwaa View Post
    @Eurus
    First, my customary welcome/warning! Welcome to the thread! I try my very best to comment on everything everyone posts. If you don't want me to critique your work, or if there's something in particular you'd like me to focus my critique on (style, tone, broad themes, close reading, etc), just let me know!
    Oh, awesome! That's always appreciated.

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    First, I really like the phrase "quiet blank vastness". Your two -ness nouns in a row here stand out a bit more than you probably intended, though, and the ending "that she couldn't stand" seems arbitrarily tacked-on; it doesn't flow with the rest of the sentence.[/quote]

    Hmm, fair point with the repetition, didn't notice that bit.

    *set
    "Sat down" is a thing you did; "set down" is a thing you did to something else.
    Whoops.

    You say this, and then follow up a full paragraph describing how good she looks.
    Heh, oops. Probably one of those times where I started writing a paragraph and it ends up going off in a completely different direction than originally expected.

    This sounds like Diane is the one who is older (because of the proximity of "herself", which makes it kind of a weird sentence. But, we find out next paragraph that actually the opposite is true. When there's a 20-year difference between characters' ages, it's important to make sure it's clear which one is which.
    Good point, I'll try and fix it.

    It's not clear who "she" is; the last subject you have is the waitress so that's obviously not right, but then before that it's Grace--which we find out later is also incorrect. There's nothing wrong with "the rumble of Diane's stomach".
    Herp. Pronouns, they vex me.

    Okay this is kind of weird given how much time we just spent ogling Grace's legs.
    Hah! Okay, yeah. The intention was for it to be kind of scathingly sarcastic, but I did a poor job of expressing that.

    That is some restraint!
    Well, "squee" generally refers to a sort of excited fangirl-y noise (like "oh my god I'm living in a fantasy novel this is so cool if I survive the next five minutes"), so it would have been a little inappropriate at the time.

    Lol. I like it, though Diane isn't showing as much discomfort with apparently being a demigod as I would have expected.
    Ah, the idea is that she mostly came to terms with that over the past week or so (had been corresponding with Grace by e-mail and phone for a while), but perhaps I didn't make that clear.

    This is very well-done. We're seeing the strength of Grace's personality in a way that didn't come through in her introduction, because that was exposition, whereas this is demonstration.
    Well thank you! I hoped that I wasn't too crude or heavy-handed with it, I was kind of trying to express the idea of "mortal shell or not, this is still a goddess, and she's been playing nice with you until now".

    Watch your tenses.

    The repetetiveness detracts from the otherwise very elegant description here.
    Ah, good catches. Will fix.

    I liked this snippet a lot! Your prose flows very well and you have some great descriptive moments. Both characters come off very well and you do a really good job with Diane's ambivalence. It's a great first contribution; I hope you're planning to stick around for more!
    Well thank you very much! I actually might write up some more Scion scenes in the near future, it's a very fun setting.
    Last edited by Eurus; 2012-08-16 at 12:38 AM.
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