@Kaun
I'm glad I haven't frightened you off too much. I usually don't unleash any really crazy critiques until at least the second snippet. I definitely know the feeling when it comes to not being able to see obvious errors in your own work--like, I'll break rules that I hate when people break and just completely not notice no matter how many times I edit it.

people pay me to get yelled for a living
Your job sounds... unpleasant.

@Winds
...Pun intended, I suppose?
Of course! Looking forward to the next bit (as always, but if time shenanigans are involved? Sign me up).