Quote Originally Posted by SleepyShadow View Post
Thanks. Writing horror is a bit tricky for me, so I'm glad to know I could pull it off well enough.
You did it very well

Quote Originally Posted by Dr Bwaa View Post
Ehehe. As Lady Moreta said, it's great when they're genre-savvy without necessarily being OOC
Yes! That's what I was trying to say before. I couldn't find the right words, but I'm glad I got the intent across. It's something I miss a bit in my game. We're all (well, okay, myself and one other player) are pretty genre-savvy, but we have a hard time doing it in character. A lot of meta-gaming goes on at our table.

Quote Originally Posted by Dr Bwaa View Post
No, wait--it's a Gnoman Candle (awwww yeeaaaaaa)!
Oh you didn't...

Quote Originally Posted by Dr Bwaa View Post
I don't get an "angry halfling" vibe from Lupin here, more of a "disgruntled babysitter" feeling. Just saying.
And actually, saying 'spurred on by a disgruntled babysitter halfling' is much funnier I didn't mind the 'angry' so much, but the potential for humour compelled me to comment on this anyway.

Quote Originally Posted by Dr Bwaa View Post
This is very effectively-phrased; you communicate a lot with few words.
Indeed... I am jealous...

Quote Originally Posted by Dr Bwaa View Post
He has to squeeze to get between gauzy screens? I don't actually understand how that works at all.
I would imagine that the screens are fairly close to the wall and that he's trying to avoid touching them, hence the squeezing. Of course, I could just be reading a lot more into it than is there, based on my own experience in a high school production of A Midsummer Night's Dream where I did, in fact, have to squeeze between a wall and a screen (mostly to stop the screen from waving, as other people were on stage acting at the time).
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Quote Originally Posted by Dr Bwaa View Post
I've grouped this snippet with the other "Terryn" one, but if it belongs with the Celadians, let me know )
She belongs with the Celadians I got lazy naming characters a while ago and consequently ended up with two named Terryn.

Quote Originally Posted by Dr Bwaa View Post
When you get to "Ironic really", it sounds kind of like you're correcting/amending the previous statement. It becomes clearer that you mean the honesty is ironic, but it's a little garden-pathy.
But I'm so fond of gardens... and paths Seriously, I waffle... and I know that I waffle. It is the bane of my writing existence. I can't be succint to save my life.

Quote Originally Posted by Dr Bwaa View Post
I.... have no idea what would make a room "pokey". I cannot envision this at all.
I could... but now I can't...

Quote Originally Posted by Dr Bwaa View Post
Typo in bold. This is a very interesting paragraph; I didn't like it when I quoted it but I'm appreciating it more as I look at it. It's very disorganized and has a lot of self-contradiction (especially concerning surprise/expectation), but I think maybe it actually works as a way to communicate a state of mind.
I'd like to say it was deliberate, but it probably wasn't... I will say though, that she is a little messed up, so deliberate or not, it still works.

Quote Originally Posted by Dr Bwaa View Post
I don't know what exactly I want there, but I definitely want something. Line break, actual statement of a pause, "...", something, because I definitely read a beat after the question, and it feels like the continuation comes too fast.
Good point. There is meant to be a substantial pause there... and there always is one when I read it to myself... I just - forgot to actually write it in there.

Quote Originally Posted by Dr Bwaa View Post
The tense shifts bug me. I know you're doing reflection on a flashback, but I generally like to go with past perfect for those sorts of things; I find it less abrupt when you have to switch back to the present (so "Instead I'd gotten...", "But I'd done as I'd been told", etc).
What is this 'past perfect' you speak of? Seriously, I can generally look at a piece of writing and say whether or not the tense is appropriate, but I don't really understand grammar rules and I haven't the foggiest when it comes to nomenclature. Having said that, I hate writing flashbacks because of the tense trouble, so please, educate me!

Quote Originally Posted by Dr Bwaa View Post
I've never seen "farewell" used as a single, transitive verb before? I don't think I mind it, though.
Neither have I now that you mention it... don't know what I was thinking there, but hey, if it works it works!

Quote Originally Posted by Dr Bwaa View Post
Aww. Lance is sweet (also you've got double "warm"s going on, but I'm mostly distracted by enjoying the moment).

Aaaand it's gone.
Oops

Quote Originally Posted by Dr Bwaa View Post
I get the image but the words don't flow.
They really don't, do they?

Quote Originally Posted by Dr Bwaa View Post
I want... something between the first and second sentences here. The nonsequitur bugs me. I don't know what I want, but I want it a lot.
I'd say I'll go back and fix it, but honestly? I probably won't. This was purely a case of 'get it out of the way' and I'm not sure I care enough to do anything to fix the darn thing... I can be lazy like that. Maybe I'll make it an experiment.


Okay, here's something I wrote last night... I'm doing homework for my game Long story short, my character has been possessed by a demon and we're going to have to find an out-of-the-box solution. This is from the perspective of the npc paladin (who I apparently get)... coming to some realisations about my character and her past.

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Telia.

Lord of Light could it get any worse?

Silver looks horrified, confused – and angry, which seems odd, though I suppose if I’d just found out someone else had been controlling my actions for the last two minutes, I would probably be angry myself. Nera looks dismayed, and a little worried as she casts glances towards the crack in the floor the voices had just come from. Rifus is looking from Tanc, to Silver and back again – he looks almost relieved – as if he’s glad to know he’s not the only one who succumbed to this demon, and guilty for feeling relief. His eyes also flicker up to the phylactery on his forehead – the intelligent phylactery, if-you-please. I wonder what it thinks of all this? Tanc looks worried and a little ‘what are we going to do now?’ and I notice that he too, is flicking his eyes towards the phylactery, where I suppose he, it, and Rifus are having a council of war. Silver still looks confused, though now she’s added guilt and uncertainty to her expression. Her mouth is open slightly and she’s looking at each member of the party in turn, like she wants to ask a question but isn’t sure who she should ask, or even if she should ask.

“Are you all right?” I move closer to her so I can ask my question quietly, but I still see Tanc’s eyes flick briefly to me, before returning to his telepathic conversation with Rifus’ phylactery. Silver jumps a little and her hands pause in their frantic motions – moving through her pack, her gear, her belongings I realise, wanting to see if anything is missing.

“I’m fine.” She mutters, her hands flying back into action. “I don’t remember the last two minutes and I have no idea how that demon-” the word hisses through her teeth, “got its claws in me. But I’m fine.” She’s moved on to searching her pouch of spell components now, pulling out each little parcel, unwrapping it, counting the contents and putting it back in again. She swears angrily at herself when she accidentally pulls out the same package twice, and even goes so far as to stomp her foot. I’m about to point out that she is clearly not fine, when her expression goes from unhappy to stricken so fast I wonder what just happened, if the demon has tried to take control again. She doesn’t have anything in her hands, but her face when she turns to me is full of guilt.

“What was I doing?” She whispers, almost too quietly to hear. “Before – all this…” she gestures towards the rest of the group. Nera, still looking worried, has appointed herself guard, and is kneeling by the crack in the floor, head tilted down, Persephone on her shoulder also angled towards the ground in a way that would look comical if it weren’t for the circumstances. Tanc and Rifus are still holding their quiet council and Silver – Silver looks like she’s just realised something and she desperately wants to be wrong.

“Ahhh, we were moving quietly.” I start, trying to think back over those last two minutes and finding it much harder to remember than it should be. “We knew the Dark Servants were up ahead, Tanc and Rifus were scouting ahead and they heard the chanting. You were dancing; you said you were warming up for- What? What is it?” For Silver has gone white, paler than I think I’ve ever seen her before, and I have seen her dead. One hand reaches for the wall behind her and she curls her fingers around the rock like it’s the only thing keeping her upright. She looks horrified and angry and guilt-stricken… and quite frankly, she looks like she might throw up.

“It was me…” again, her voice is so quiet as to be non-existent. “I did it.”

“You did what?” I keep my voice quiet and gentle and take a step towards her, as much as Silver detests men (and is not afraid to tell them), she looks like she needs the support. “Silver? What did you do?”

“The noise.” Green eyes, darkened with emotion, stare up at me. “Tanc said- someone said… there was some noise and then the Dark Servants realised we were here. It was me. I did that… I- I betrayed us…” her voice trails off and she sags back against the wall, and I finally realise what she means.

“No you didn’t. Telia did. The demon used you. That doesn’t make you responsible.” She stares at me with hollow eyes and I can tell she is not convinced. “Silver… She possessed you. You are not responsible for what Telia did using your body.”

She doesn’t answer, and as I lean forward to see her more clearly, I realise that she is no longer even looking at me. She is staring blankly ahead, at something I cannot see. For one moment I think that Telia has taken control again, then common sense – and my training – reasserts itself and I remember that with both Silver and Rifus, we had no indication there was anything wrong until they suddenly couldn’t remember past events. Clearly Telia is subtle and prefers to remain hidden as long as possible. And my training reminds me that a demon cannot exert control again so soon. No, this is all Silver – and yet, it is not. I have known this woman for almost a year now, and she never loses control. She is grace, and charm, and poise; she has a ready answer for everything and everyone. In fact, the only time I have ever seen her at a loss for words was when…

And suddenly I know. I know what it is that has been disquieting me – so quietly, so subconsciously that I didn’t realise something was wrong until I also realised what was wrong.

I have seen this expression, this blank nothingness, on Silver’s face before.

When Telia confronted her and claimed to be her daughter.

Of course, we knew Telia was evil at that point. And it was not long afterwards, that her true nature was revealed and she fled. After she had -- exerted control over Silver and drained her of life force… after she had spent all that time with Rifus. I suppose now I know why Telia chose these two for her attacks. Clearly prior contact has something to do with it. But now my subconscious is my conscious and I must examine the facts if we are to find a way out of this.

One. Telia is possessing Silver, in the same way she possessed Rifus, though it appears she can only exert control for limited periods of time and not consecutively.
Two. We no longer have the scroll that enabled us to summon the Deva which expelled Telia from Rifus. And as I recall, Silver herself cast that spell… I am – doubtful that any of the company would be comfortable having her in that role again. No, we must find another method to cast out this demon.
Three. Silver is clearly distraught over this situation – beyond what it warrants, in my opinion. She, and her friends, have been doing this long enough that surely she must know they won’t hold her actions while controlled against her? Yet it is clear she feels she has betrayed them.
Four. Her reaction now is very similar to her reaction then. So is it simply Telia as the common link, or is there some other reason? Something to do with her sense of betrayal?

I turn my attention back to Silver; she seems to have returned to the present, for her eyes are focused on me – still green, but dark and shadowed and haunted. Even as I think the word and wonder why I chose it, I sense that it is the correct one. Silver is haunted… but by what?

“Silver…” I hold out my hand towards her, hoping she will take it. Hoping she will let me help her, for I believe I am the only one who can. I am left staring dumbfounded when she shrinks away from me, her hands flying up defensively – that same angry expression back on her face. Only this time… this time it looks a lot like fear.

Fear. Betrayal. Loss of control. Telia claiming to be her daughter. That blank expression.

It suddenly occurs to me how little I know about Silver. I have heard little snippets, stories from the others, details of home life, funny stories, sad stories – reasons why they left, reasons why they stay. But none from Silver. And it occurs to me, how much more do her friends know about her? I would wager – if I were a betting man – that it’s not much more than I know, if any. And it occurs to me that sometimes – fear? Looks a lot like anger. Or hatred.

Fear. Betrayal. ‘You were possessed’. ‘You are not responsible for what Telia did using your body’.

I am beginning to see a picture here, and it is not one I like.

That blank expression. Anger. Hatred. Fear. Grief. Loss of control… and a daughter.

Five. What if…? What if Telia knew something about Silver that none of us knew? What if she used that then because she knew Silver would not be able to stop herself from responding… to the idea of a daughter. And what if…?
Six. What if those – truths, for I am near-certain they must be, can be used to free Silver from Telia’s influence? If Silver can learn to be truthful, open and vulnerable – perhaps she can be freed.

… in more ways than one.