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Thread: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

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    Default Re: D&D Snippets II: The Snippetting

    @Dr Bwaa

    "Argh! Ego bruised ... the pain ..."

    Just kidding. Thanks for the critique. As for the grammar/spelling issues ... I blame the late hours. Surely it couldn't be me.

    (Ego restored)

    Now to the rest of the critiques.

    Spoiler
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    There's a tense issue here; "have" should be "had", or better yet, just "silent monks". You may have noticed people (especially Lady Moreta and I) praising people here and there for particularly concise phrases; as a rule, less is usually more.
    Personally, I don't think "Silent Monks" would tell the same story. Saying "Silent Monks" makes me think of them as being particularly quiet, instead of "Vow of Silence", which says they never talk. That's just my opinion.

    For some reason I can't quite put my finger on, this phrasing bugs me.
    As for the issues that result from any and all revelations of Jessica's father. I am intentionally not shedding any light on him. The character is ... well ... ummm ... over the top? *shrugs* I just don't want to tell anything about him until I delved a little more into the world and ... once I'm more comfortable with writing. I'm also quite sure that if I do give him details a lot of people are going to point and shout "Marty Stu/Mary Sue".

    Probably well deserved, too.

    So, whenever I came to a point were I felt I had to address him, I tried my best to find a way to get through as quickly as possible while covering all detail I thought was necessary.

    Where did she live before this? Was her father part of the monastery? If she was otherwise just a regular kid (albeit daughter of a war hero), this would be a huge transition for her--expound on that maybe; give us some insight into Jessica as a person by showing how she deals with this sort of upheaval.
    I am thinking about writing some short stories about all the things she been through between her leaving the island and meeting with the party. So, I am leaving some things out so I might give more details later.

    Plus, she lived with her dad before. Ref. Prev. Ans.

    Hahahaha. Great detail (but I think you can leave out the parenthetical; it doesn't really add anything in my opinion.
    The parenthetical was for emphasis. Trust me, you still have no idea.

    You will soon, though. More Cronc later in new backstories. I can write a whole book on just this one character. For good reason, he was one of my first characters as a player.

    Hrm. I... guess I understand this? Was Cronc still quite young at the time, I assume? I think this would be easier to accept if you went into more detail about the girl's drowning and Cronc's efforts to save her. Make it very clear (at least to Cronc) that the water was the culprit in the situation; personify it; make it feel threatening to Cronc's happiness in an ongoing sense. Then Cronc's fear is much easier to swallow.
    I always thought of it as an escape for Cronc. Deep down he blames himself for his friend's death, but admitting to it would mean that the townsfolk that chased him off were right. He doesn't want to accept that, so he blamed the only other than that would make sense.

    The water.

    This horrific thing that was able to stop him from saving his friend. He views it as something that is stronger than him; something that he can't smash.

    ... but anyways ... I didn't go into much detail here because "The Psychology of Cronc" was not the title of this work. I went into further detail than I planned, but I blame it on the fact that I like this character so much.

    Best book club ever. Question though--Jessica is visiting? I thought she lived there by this point?
    You will understand when I post my next world piece, "The Island". For now, "the monastery is bigger than you are imagining it."

    I like the sentiment, but "succour" is not the word you want it to be; it means aid or assistance in a time of great stress.
    DAMMIT! Where are you Thesaurus! How dare you betray me again!

    "pointed out" doesn't feel like a lot of effort. This makes it feel like she went "but daaaaaaaaaaaaad I can't grow up for real on an island in the middle of nowhere!" and her dad went "oh, you know what, that's a really going point that I'd never considered before! My other arguments are now invalid; go and be free!" Obviously I'm exaggerating, but generally speaking, no one reverses a decision based on one small thing (especially a particularly philosophical point like that one, coming from a sixteen-year-old). Honestly I'd probably either leave out the how of her convincing him, or else put the lofty words in the father's mouth--that gives you a chance to characterize the father a bit too, by showing how he reacts to his daughter's choice. Does he rationalize? Patronize? Support? Later on you seem to lean toward the latter, but there's a good opportunity here to show more about her home life (such as it is).
    Ref. back to generic dad answer. It doesn't feel like a lot of effort, because it was a lot of effort. A lot of effort as in, "Pull the tooth out as quickly as possible, dentist. I want this over with."

    This is a great ending line. I think I'd like it more if you alluded to her wings a bit more throughout the story; how she wasn't allowed to fly more than a league from the island; something to demonstrate in a concrete way that she's been wanting to "stretch her wings".
    I thought I did describe her wings ... didn't I ...

    ...

    Ah! Here it is ... all ... the ... way ... back in the first paragraph.

    Huh?

    Yeah, perhaps I should have said more about them.

    Also, loved how you "Dawwed" at every point where I intended. Shows that I did something right in there.


    I have applied some of the fixes to the "snippet". The rest would require a rewrite to certain sections, so, it will have to wait until I'm more in the mood.

    @Everyone

    I feel a bit of inspiration. This is going to be a short one, and not a real snippet. It never happened in any campaign, but I think might be a fun read. I might start a series of shorts on it ... that is if it takes off. For now, I'm just treating it as writing practice.

    Cronc goes to Anger Management
    Spoiler
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    "Now, Mr. Cronc, let me begin by saying how happy I am with you for coming in to see me." Dr. Rhodes says in a calm voice, hiding his fear by flipping through his notebook, "This is the first step in managing your anger issues."

    "Wuy Cronc lae on cowt?" Cronc barked.

    "You don't need to lay down if you don't want to. Would you prefer to sit, or even stand?"

    "No! Cronc wunt lae on cowt!"

    "Okay?! Now, the first thing I would like us to focus on is how to turn your anger into more constructive means of of expressions. As opposed to destructive outbursts of rage."

    "CUN ... STRE ..." Cronc tries to repeat the word, forcing each syllable. He does not know what it means and thinking about it is giving him a headache.

    "Constructive" Dr. Rhodes interrupts, "it means to make things, not break things."

    "OHHH! Cronc bracke tings reel gud!" Cronc shouted with joy, as he jumped up from the couch, axe in hand.

    "No! No! DON'T! CRONC!"

    ***

    A sign in front of a lot filled with debris. Reads simply, "Practice of Dr. Rhodes - Closed due to lack of building."

    Dr. Rhodes stands in front of it. Slumped forward with a frown upon his face. Cronc approaches him and pats him on the back, knocking the doctor down.

    "Cronc du reel gud, yah!"
    Last edited by mebecronck; 2012-09-22 at 09:19 PM. Reason: Update and removal of something that offended a reader.

    Some of Murphy's other laws.
    "Professionals are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs."
    "No plan survives the first contact intact."
    "If it's stupid, but it works, it isn't stupid."
    -Capt. Edward A. Murphy-
    Newton's Law of the Road
    "The object with more mass has the right-of-way."