I don't know if it's a single scale and my sliders are all out of whack, but it's really frustrating to feel like I hate myself with every fiber of my being while simultaneously far too enamored of others and caring about them & wanting to help when there's trouble.

I'm also sick of having bigotries that I know don't even make sense and actively know to be false. It's like a black spot on my soul that I can't tear out or fix and can only bury deeper and deeper and hope that it takes too long digging back up into my thoughts that I'll be able to distract myself onto something new before it can get out.

And I'm a colossal hypocrite because I'm a philosophical pacificist and yet I'm possessed of a terrible bloodlust and believe in what I know to be intellectually foolish views of love and yet am still constantly beset by my mind trying to trick me into thinking I'm falling for somebody new.