Quote Originally Posted by Coidzor View Post
I don't know if it's a single scale and my sliders are all out of whack, but it's really frustrating to feel like I hate myself with every fiber of my being while simultaneously far too enamored of others and caring about them & wanting to help when there's trouble.

I'm also sick of having bigotries that I know don't even make sense and actively know to be false. It's like a black spot on my soul that I can't tear out or fix and can only bury deeper and deeper and hope that it takes too long digging back up into my thoughts that I'll be able to distract myself onto something new before it can get out.

And I'm a colossal hypocrite because I'm a philosophical pacificist and yet I'm possessed of a terrible bloodlust and believe in what I know to be intellectually foolish views of love and yet am still constantly beset by my mind trying to trick me into thinking I'm falling for somebody new.
You have, in a nutshell, summarised exactly what it means to be human. To want to be better while being aware of your own failings can be a good thing because at least you know what to work on. It's horribly stressy though.

There are two ways to greatly warp someone's perception of reality. One is to be an epic level illusionist and the other is to have them fall in love. The latter is considerably more effective as the changes are subtle and the person in question may not even realise it.

Falling in love is easy. Climbing back out again is damn near impossible.