I found a blown-up picture of that newspaper clipping and did a transcription of what I could read. Not including the caption.
SIMON PETRIKOV UNEARTHS ANCIENT TREASURE
Silly Man Returns From Expedition With Marginally Exciting Discovery
By Bruce Guese
It was [a _____] morning that greeted the [gathering] of hard-drinking journalists and curious pigeons. The impromptu press conference was conven[ient for?] professor of archaeology and bon vivant Simon Petrikov. You may remember Petrikov for that thing Fa[__]u[__]nva. Well that guy is [back] from his [____] expedition in the [Hindu _____] or whatever.
With much pomp Petrikov unveiled the most significant [piece] from the dig to a rapt audience. [Turns] out it was just a book. A ratty-looking leatherbound manual whose title [Petrikov] had translated as 'The Enchiridion'.
The cover [impressed?] with a still life and inset [with] a variety of gems was alright to look at.
"The book seems to contain rules of [______]
The pic cut off there.
But look at the reporter's name. Bruce Guese? Choose Goose? Coincidence? I think not.
Also turns out that the newspaper was called the Andersonsonian Standard.