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    Titan in the Playground
     
    TheAmishPirate's Avatar

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    Feb 2009

    Default Re: My Little Pony LVI:S Has Left the Playground!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Thanqol View Post
    GETTIN' MAH REVIEW ON

    Amishpirate's untitled whatever thing:

    P1:

    Punchline in the first sequence is lacking; a confused cough isn't funny. I think a lost question from somepony struggling to keep up would be better.
    Aye, I can do better than that. Good catch.


    Quote Originally Posted by Thanqol View Post
    "Polymorphed ponies"? Polymorphed into what?
    I honestly thought specifying didn't matter here, as the sentiment is more, "spells could transform ponies into dangerous creatures, and they do not always behave rationally." But perhaps there is a better way to show this.

    Quote Originally Posted by Thanqol View Post
    Huh what? The sentences don't follow
    It's saying that there are formal places where the students could hypothetically hold swanky parties, but those areas are off-limits to them. Does that make more sense, or should I change it?



    Quote Originally Posted by Thanqol View Post
    The full stop, "Then again" transition is jarring. Think about it and verbalise it and come up with a more natural phrasing.



    Same problem here.



    And here
    There is a time and place for the full stop. This is not one of them either.


    Quote Originally Posted by Thanqol View Post
    Missing end quotation



    Typo



    Inconsistent "her"/referent
    More good catches

    Quote Originally Posted by Thanqol View Post
    Overall;

    Nothing stood out to me as wrong or inconsistent (with the disclaimer that I'm tired and not fully engaged with the world). I'm not hooked yet; I haven't encountered that moment that commits me completely to the story, but that doesn't mean it won't come. I don't think it should be delayed too much longer; the intro is solid, but now it's time to drop us into the real body of the story. Keep at it!
    You're touching on my biggest worry for this story. See, because my Twilight isn't really ShowTwilight, I need these opening scenes to show the reader what she is like. Set the stage, establish characters, start up long-running plots, those sorts of things. Unfortunately, that also means we're three chapters in and just barely getting to the meat of the story. And even the meat of the story, if you'll remember some of the chats we've had about it, is going to be a slow boil anyway. I'd say I should make this intro sequence shorter, but I just don't know what to cut. Maybe I should re-focus, re-write, get a better grasp of what makes these characters worth following, something to get more bang with less buck in these chapters? I honestly don't know, and that really worries me.


    Thanks for looking this over, another pair of eyes is always appreciated.
    Last edited by TheAmishPirate; 2012-11-16 at 11:55 AM.
    I'm developing a game. Let's see what happens! Complex.