Hi, I'm wanting to make the Shield of Wonder from the Goblins comic (link) so I can add it to my game - which is basically what happens when you cross a Rod of Wonder and a Deck of Many Things together in a shield. It is triggered whenever a weapon (but not an improvised weapon) strikes the shield whilst someone is actively holding it - making it act similar to the Rod of Wonder in having both a user and a separate target.

The author of the comic has already published a partial table of what it can do (found here as three images), but it's currently incomplete. As such I've come here to ask you all to help me finish it off!

I technically only need 71 other outcomes for what I want, which are in the same theme as those seen in the comic (if you're familiar with it) and/or the table I just linked - but basically it should be similar to the Rod of Wonder and Deck of Many Things - although there is also a Greater Rod of Wonder out there which fits in perfectly too.
Despite the fact that I only need 71 new outcomes, I can always extend the table to include more results - and others might wish to source from this thread for an artifact grade Rod of Wonder which does indeed have 1001 possible outcomes! So please, throw out as many ideas as you can think of!

I'm asking in this sub-forum because Goblins seems to basically run in a faux D&D 3.5 edition system, but you'll note that both items that are clearly the inspiration for the item (and the comic itself) produce many effects that are basically beyond the scope of the core rules - so please do suggest weird and unique things rather than lots of "casts x spell as a level 7 wizard".

Also note that the shield should be able to produce a range of good and bad results (some being highly dependant on the situation when it is triggered, and/or just the luck of the dice) with some flashy but pointless results for good measure. Also, although it is triggered from striking the shield with a weapon, it should be equally able to affect the person holding the shield or the person striking it - as well being able to just affect anyone near the shield when it is struck! (Or, as the original author has already set precedence for, the last person to verbally speak to the wielder of the shield! So other similar random connectivity of individuals is perfectly fine and encouraged.)

So, what wonderous things would you have it do?